"Rejection is part of life"

[Mary Terry]

8/10 and your complaining.
I had a 0/10 for 6 years. I can't even get one solo hang with a woman as a friend to do anything.

I thought you recently made a new female friend at a meetup. What happened?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I thought you recently made a new female friend at a meetup. What happened?

That's a damn joke. She cancelled every plan and now rarely messages me.

 

[thejuice]

Even if she had social anxiety, she was still giving indirect signals that she wasn't interested in friendship during your first meeting. It's not something likely to be said out loud and it's hard to erase those first impressions. Try not to catastrophise, treat it as doing you a favour that she has self deleted herself from your pool of potential friends. How's the walking group?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

How's the walking group?

Sucks, I don't like it anymore.

 

[FeatherBird]

Isn't this one of the main impediments to establishing a relationship, generally?
BTW: Would you agree that males tend to focus more on appearance than females?

I am not saying this is happening with you, but I have seen a number of situations on that other website where this was the case.

My focus, due to my age and social/cognitive/circumstantial disabilities, is primarily on companionship, btw.
Would a deeper companion/platonic/soulmate-relationship be something worth pursuing?
How important is the sexual component?

I'm not sure how valid the idea of "leagues" is.

I've been turned down by gals with worse looks than me, yet I've also managed to successfully punch above my weight on the looks scale (even if not very often)

All in all though, if a man (or a woman) focuses entirely on those who look significantly better than him/her (in other words, aiming out of their league), it could certainly impede their chances of succeeding.

Worth mentioning is that social standing impacts your league too; not just looks. Even though my looks are a 6-7/10, my social standing (on account of having autism) is pretty low.

As for which gender places more importance on looks, there's evidence to suggest a man is more looks-oriented. Yet there's also evidence to suggest a woman is more looks-oriented. One thing that's true, however, is: A woman is more likely to focus on more than just looks.

As for whether a companionship arrangement is worth pursuing (and how important sex is), those are questions only you can answer for yourself. Some men would be ok with the type of arrangement you're describing. Some men, not so much.

 

[FeatherBird]

Could you elaborate why that is?

Gladly.

If a woman I don't know turns me down, the rejection is far less personal. It's highly likely I'm getting turned down solely because the woman doesn't know me. On the other hand, if a woman I know turns me down, that means there's probably something specific about me the woman finds repulsive.

Also, if a woman I don't know turns me down, I can easily forget about her. I'm highly unlikely to ever cross paths with her again. On the other hand, if I get turned down by a woman I know, I'm going to run into her again (and the mere sight of her will serve as a reminder of my inadequacy)

Lastly, if I go to the hassle of asking out a woman I actually know, that means I've probably picked up on some clues that she's into me. If it turns out I misread the clues, I'd become self-conscious (and blame my autism for misreading the clues).

On the other hand, if I ask out a woman I don't know, there are no clues that she's into me (therefore I have no reason to become self-conscious about my clue-reading ability if I get turned down)

 

[FeatherBird]

8/10 and your complaining.
I had a 0/10 for 6 years. I can't even get one solo hang with a woman as a friend to do anything.

The 8/10 woman was a one time thing 4 years ago.

In the 4 years since then, the only successes I've had were one date with a 7/10 (who ended up hating me less than a week later) in 2023, as well as a mini-date with a 7/10 after an organized singles event in 2025.

I'm aware some have even worse luck than me. But seeing as I could sum up my successes from the past 4 years into a short post, I'm struggling too.

Everyone's problem is unique. My problem is keeping a woman on the rare occasion I'm able to initially pique the interest of one.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

At least you had a date. I can't even get a girl to get a coffee with me but guys no problem, that is what I keep saying.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

At least you had a date. I can't even get a girl to get a coffee with me but guys no problem, that is what I keep sayin

yeah, i think Tony, you said your sister has never dated before either, but i think she struggles more socially than you ever did right?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

yeah, i think Tony, you said your sister has never dated before either, but i think she struggles more socially than you ever did right?

I am not talking about my damn sister again.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I am not talking about my damn sister again.

i apologize for bringing her up, did you and your sister have a falling out with each other or don't get along with her anymore? Yeah, even before the internet existed, i believe this, and that is, DNA and Genetic studies have confirmed that, more women than men throughout history have passed on their genes/DNA, i think if you do the math, that alone confirms that more men than women throughout history have ended up forever alone.

 

[thejuice]

DNA and Genetic studies have confirmed that, more women than men throughout history have passed on their genes/DNA, i think if you do the math, that alone confirms that more men than women throughout history have ended up forever alone.

If theyre lucky to live long enough to be a forever alone old man. Men are expendable, getting killed in wars, hunting, expectation of self sacrifice etc.

There is a social expectation that men will step in to defend others from danger, work the most dangerous jobs, and risk death or serious injury by doing so

Male expendability - Wikipedia

Could be worse, could have been born in 6000BC

8,000 Years Ago, 17 Women Reproduced for Every One Man

"people inherit Y-chromosome DNA exclusively from their male ancestors and mitochondrial DNA exclusively from their female ancestors. By analyzing diversity in these parts, scientists are able to deduce the numbers of female and male ancestors a population has. It’s always more female.

“It wasn’t like there was a mass death of males. They were there, so what were they doing?”​

Was there some sort of weird virus that only affected males across the whole globe, 8,000 years ago?” Wilson Sayres asks—a hypothesis the team found unlikely.

To further test the wealth-and-power idea, the researchers plan to look for other genetic markers that would indicate that something cultural, not physical, kept those early male farmers from reproducing.

Nature is a harsh taskmaster, but so, it seems, is human culture."

Maybe those early farmers without wealth and power had bad attitudes.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Had to share it

 

[FeatherBird]

At least you had a date. I can't even get a girl to get a coffee with me but guys no problem, that is what I keep saying.

I acknowledge some are less fortunate than me (and I totally have sympathy for your struggle)

I'm not nearly as successful as I'd be if I were neurotypical though. Same goes for you; you'd be a lot more successful if you were neurotypical.

 

[FeatherBird]

i apologize for bringing her up, did you and your sister have a falling out with each other or don't get along with her anymore? Yeah, even before the internet existed, i believe this, and that is, DNA and Genetic studies have confirmed that, more women than men throughout history have passed on their genes/DNA, i think if you do the math, that alone confirms that more men than women throughout history have ended up forever alone.

What you're saying doesn't surprise me. Genghis Khan, for example, had kids with many a woman. What that means is: For every woman Genghis Khan reproduced with, a different woman's genes were getting passed on every time, yet the same man's genes got passed on every time.

 

[Jonn]

I'm not sure how valid the idea of "leagues" is.

I've been turned down by gals with worse looks than me, yet I've also managed to successfully punch above my weight on the looks scale (even if not very often)

As I said, it seems women aren't as influenced by looks as most men.
Financial independence is a positive factor, of course.
Where do you stand here?

All in all though, if a man (or a woman) focuses entirely on those who look significantly better than him/her (in other words, aiming out of their league), it could certainly impede their chances of succeeding.

Looks without a personal connection usually end up in a rather empty relationship, but it can be a stepping-stone.

Worth mentioning is that social standing impacts your league too; not just looks. Even though my looks are a 6-7/10, my social standing (on account of having autism) is pretty low.

There are a number of factors involved, yes.
Age is another one.

As for which gender places more importance on looks, there's evidence to suggest a man is more looks-oriented. Yet there's also evidence to suggest a woman is more looks-oriented. One thing that's true, however, is: A woman is more likely to focus on more than just looks.

Personal experiences suggest women are more forgiving.
Perhaps it is a cultural thing to some degree.

As for whether a companionship arrangement is worth pursuing (and how important sex is), those are questions only you can answer for yourself. Some men would be ok with the type of arrangement you're describing. Some men, not so much.

I was asking specifically about you.
Well?

 

[Jonn]

Gladly.

If a woman I don't know turns me down, the rejection is far less personal. It's highly likely I'm getting turned down solely because the woman doesn't know me. On the other hand, if a woman I know turns me down, that means there's probably something specific about me the woman finds repulsive.

A damn big leap there.
I doubt that is usually the case.
I'd say it is more likely that you are simply not their type.

Also, if a woman I don't know turns me down, I can easily forget about her. I'm highly unlikely to ever cross paths with her again. On the other hand, if I get turned down by a woman I know, I'm going to run into her again (and the mere sight of her will serve as a reminder of my inadequacy)

Have you considered other factors why a woman wouldn't be interested in a relationship with you?
Perhaps they are focusing on their careers?
Perhaps they experienced painful relationships in the past, or that they simply value their freedom "too much".
I fall into that category myself, so don't ask me out.

Lastly, if I go to the hassle of asking out a woman I actually know, that means I've probably picked up on some clues that she's into me. If it turns out I misread the clues, I'd become self-conscious (and blame my autism for misreading the clues).

Asking will clarify the situation.
I don't understand your problem.
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained..." <shrug>

On the other hand, if I ask out a woman I don't know, there are no clues that she's into me (therefore I have no reason to become self-conscious about my clue-reading ability if I get turned down)

Someone above alluded to a simple strategy:
"I am bad at reading people, so I will be straightforward and ask if you are interested in going out sometime to get to know each other."

BTW:
You seem to know a lot of single female acquaintances/friends.
Is this correct?

In conclusion:
To put it concisely, you seem to put the worst spin on why women aren't interested in a relationship with you.
Have you noticed that?

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I acknowledge some are less fortunate than me (and I totally have sympathy for your struggle)

I'm not nearly as successful as I'd be if I were neurotypical though. Same goes for you; you'd be a lot more successful if you were neurotypical.

yeah not just this forum, but on reddit comments or youtube comments or social media comments everywhere, for years now, whenever i hear or read of a guy on the autism spectrum making comments, i quite often of many of them reaching certain ages, lots of times, reaching 30+ years of age and having never dated or never been in a relationship before, it sadly just comes with the territory.

Me and people wonder why autism hasn't been bred out of the gene pool through natural selection, or if autism occured in primitive prehistoric times as well

 

[Jonn]

Me and people wonder why autism hasn't been bred out of the gene pool through natural selection,

I have thought the same thing.

 

[thejuice]

Humanity had a good go at eliminating those who were different, but luckily for us it didn't work out. Apparently 20% of autism is not inherited but a random genetic mutation, so I expect we'll always be around.