Recently Broken or Always been Faulty? I don't know which I am.
I'm hoping by the time I finish this I will have a better idea.
Am I on the spectrum? probably, everyone is from what I've read, however some are probably blissfully unaware they might be further away from the NT end than they realise.
Why I'm here...
Some harsh words from my boss recently have led to me being here, my job involves fixing machines but along with that I also have to deal with the owners/managers of factories and of course I have colleagues.
Apparently I am too "abrupt", seeing things as black or white and can be difficult to work with, worryingly I was also accused of pushing colleagues aside in my haste to get a job done, not violently but still not a good thing.
However it's not the first time I have been advised to phrase things differently "It's not what you said it's the way you said it"???
I always try to be polite especially with the customers so it was a shock to learn I had completely failed!!
A little history...
Aspergers has crossed my mind a couple of times in the past, I was reproached for not talking at a party, apparently it made others in the group nervous but small talk isn't easy and I was hoping the conversation would get back to something I could talk about..I probably waited too long. I briefly considered it then even mentioned it to my wife but she reacted badly (through fear for me and also not knowing what Aspergers was, I think she might have thought it was fatal), so I put it to the back of my mind and continued with life.
Fast forward some years and I'm out drinking with a colleague, his idea not mine, but you have to be socialable don't you. Anyway after a few pints he proceeds to tell me how I had been rude to someone and how he had to smooth things over.... I broke down crying, not because I had been rude, but because I didn't know it (I've just realised why we never went drinking together since). Anyway one hangover later and it's all buried again.
There are probably other times I've thought of it but back to the present...
I was numb all weekend after my boss reprimanded me (I'm not in any immediate danger of loosing my job, and even if I did I'd manage ok), had a nice quiet weekend watching TV with a couple of glasses of wine.
The Monday morning was harder, fortunately I had a long drive to the job so I was alone for a few hours. I cried a few times on the drive up!!!! What's wrong with me????I got to the job and worked OK, not my usual self, but functioning.
I am working with a new colleague, seems a decent guy and I'm glad we drove up separately (I value my time alone in the van now). The usual pattern when working away is to have a nice dinner and a few social drinks in the hotel bar. All week away and I didn't even have one drink, partly because I want my mind clear to deal with this, partly because I'm terrified I'll loose control and breakdown completely.
I had hoped that by now (more than 10 days since the trigger event) that I would be back to normal...I'm not, tears still leak out (I'm almost 50, I shouldn't be crying as I type this).
I've done a couple of the online tests, they point to me having Aspergers but of course they don't prove anything, but whether it is or not doesn't change the fact that I feel broken.
I have been more or less happily living my life up to now, but now I feel like a method actor, so engrossed in the role that he forgot he was acting but suddenly got distracted and can't remember the lines and get back into character.
Amateur drama is my "social" hobby, and have gained acceptance within the group because my technical skills, lights, sound, photography etc. After much coercion I even acted in a play once, many were surprised I wasn't frightened being onstage, but I also didn't get the thrill from it that everyone else seems to get. Reflecting on this I'm wondering was it easy for me because it was just another performance and instead of playing "Kevin" I was playing someone else (with the added bonus of having all my lines written for me).
I'm starting to think I've always been faulty and that it's my mask that has broken, however it wasn't a perfect mask, I was convinced it was, but no doubt others know better.
As I've indicated the mask has cracked before, but those cracks were quickly covered over. However each time the crack has gotten wider, I'm scared that if I just cover the cracks again the next time it will break completely.
I'm obviously slightly faulty, but the mask I see in the mirror is badly broken. Time to get the glue out?
It's been said to me that I'm always polite here and in other online forums I also seem to get on OK, I think that's because I can read, delete and rewrite the words until I can clarify my meaning. Unfortunately not so easy when speaking.
Can I learn to compensate for my faults, maybe, but it's not as if I haven't tried. I want to though....
And I certainly don't want to feel this way again, but realistic to know better.
(Thank/Blame @LogicalMind for this blog/rant existing, he suggested I do it, but the contents are all mine so thanks for staying awake to the end. Thank you @LogicalMind)
I'm hoping by the time I finish this I will have a better idea.
Am I on the spectrum? probably, everyone is from what I've read, however some are probably blissfully unaware they might be further away from the NT end than they realise.
Why I'm here...
Some harsh words from my boss recently have led to me being here, my job involves fixing machines but along with that I also have to deal with the owners/managers of factories and of course I have colleagues.
Apparently I am too "abrupt", seeing things as black or white and can be difficult to work with, worryingly I was also accused of pushing colleagues aside in my haste to get a job done, not violently but still not a good thing.
However it's not the first time I have been advised to phrase things differently "It's not what you said it's the way you said it"???
I always try to be polite especially with the customers so it was a shock to learn I had completely failed!!
A little history...
Aspergers has crossed my mind a couple of times in the past, I was reproached for not talking at a party, apparently it made others in the group nervous but small talk isn't easy and I was hoping the conversation would get back to something I could talk about..I probably waited too long. I briefly considered it then even mentioned it to my wife but she reacted badly (through fear for me and also not knowing what Aspergers was, I think she might have thought it was fatal), so I put it to the back of my mind and continued with life.
Fast forward some years and I'm out drinking with a colleague, his idea not mine, but you have to be socialable don't you. Anyway after a few pints he proceeds to tell me how I had been rude to someone and how he had to smooth things over.... I broke down crying, not because I had been rude, but because I didn't know it (I've just realised why we never went drinking together since). Anyway one hangover later and it's all buried again.
There are probably other times I've thought of it but back to the present...
I was numb all weekend after my boss reprimanded me (I'm not in any immediate danger of loosing my job, and even if I did I'd manage ok), had a nice quiet weekend watching TV with a couple of glasses of wine.
The Monday morning was harder, fortunately I had a long drive to the job so I was alone for a few hours. I cried a few times on the drive up!!!! What's wrong with me????I got to the job and worked OK, not my usual self, but functioning.
I am working with a new colleague, seems a decent guy and I'm glad we drove up separately (I value my time alone in the van now). The usual pattern when working away is to have a nice dinner and a few social drinks in the hotel bar. All week away and I didn't even have one drink, partly because I want my mind clear to deal with this, partly because I'm terrified I'll loose control and breakdown completely.
I had hoped that by now (more than 10 days since the trigger event) that I would be back to normal...I'm not, tears still leak out (I'm almost 50, I shouldn't be crying as I type this).
I've done a couple of the online tests, they point to me having Aspergers but of course they don't prove anything, but whether it is or not doesn't change the fact that I feel broken.
I have been more or less happily living my life up to now, but now I feel like a method actor, so engrossed in the role that he forgot he was acting but suddenly got distracted and can't remember the lines and get back into character.
Amateur drama is my "social" hobby, and have gained acceptance within the group because my technical skills, lights, sound, photography etc. After much coercion I even acted in a play once, many were surprised I wasn't frightened being onstage, but I also didn't get the thrill from it that everyone else seems to get. Reflecting on this I'm wondering was it easy for me because it was just another performance and instead of playing "Kevin" I was playing someone else (with the added bonus of having all my lines written for me).
I'm starting to think I've always been faulty and that it's my mask that has broken, however it wasn't a perfect mask, I was convinced it was, but no doubt others know better.
As I've indicated the mask has cracked before, but those cracks were quickly covered over. However each time the crack has gotten wider, I'm scared that if I just cover the cracks again the next time it will break completely.
I'm obviously slightly faulty, but the mask I see in the mirror is badly broken. Time to get the glue out?
It's been said to me that I'm always polite here and in other online forums I also seem to get on OK, I think that's because I can read, delete and rewrite the words until I can clarify my meaning. Unfortunately not so easy when speaking.
Can I learn to compensate for my faults, maybe, but it's not as if I haven't tried. I want to though....
And I certainly don't want to feel this way again, but realistic to know better.
(Thank/Blame @LogicalMind for this blog/rant existing, he suggested I do it, but the contents are all mine so thanks for staying awake to the end. Thank you @LogicalMind)
