Pros and Cons of Being a Loner

[Judge]

'Worse than any,as he knew what they were and he walked along with them'

Didnt know Burt was as good as that. Cowboy film 1-47 and the swimmer put me off.
Great clip.

I thought it was his best role. Too bad the film clip didn't go to the rendering of the verdict, where as a jurist he simply didn't understand his own conviction. A very thoughtful film, IMO. A great performance by Spencer Tracy as well.

"Judgment At Nuremberg" (1961)

 

[Alaska]

Researchers have done studies that spewed out statistics. They say that people who have a good social network live longer and are happier. This is likely to be quite biased towards NTs, so may not even apply to us.

I prefer quality over quantity both in social network and in longevity. I do not want a long lifetime. I prefer a short happy one if I have to choose. Since I am in the range of life expectancy for me, I will just do what seems good to me.

It is just practical to have a little bit of a social network. I think even us antisocial Aspies need some human interaction. It is also a good idea to have some people who care about what happens to me if i fall, metaphorically and literally.

I may have more of a nurturing urge than most Aspies, since most are male. I am not sure about other Aspie females. Some on here seem to be outstanding in this regard.

I can get my fill of nurturing my cats, but i have enough to go around to some humans as well, and like to help out humans too. It is also satisfying to get some of that in return, not to mention other social needs.

I seem to attract predators and have not always recognised them soon enough. This has made me tend to err on the side of caution which can make it harder to develop a relationship.

 

[paloftoon]

If you have trouble with social interaction, best to start off with public events or groups that meet in public places. Go to as many different things as you can, and exposure and lots of practice can lead you to want to take a risk on someone else or others.

 

[Judge]

Researchers have done studies that spewed out statistics. They say that people who have a good social network live longer and are happier. This is likely to be quite biased towards NTs, so may not even apply to us.

Indeed. With the CDC backing up the math. That for every one of us, there are 68 of them. And if this is anywhere close to being accurate, what are the odds of Neurodiverse people being adequately represented in much of any "random" study?

It's why I reject any premise of mental health that isolation is inherently toxic for everyone.

Without some degree of solitude I would likely go mad. Something that "shiny happy people holding hands" would not likely appreciate.

 

[Sherlock77]

I've always been a loner, really for as long as I can remember, although I do have times when I can be social as well, I go between being a loner and with other people, but I'm no social butterfly at the same time... I can be with other people at times, but find I need my alone time and I really don't think it's that unhealthy, just seems to be the way I am.

 

[Flinty]

Indeed. With the CDC backing up the math. That for every one of us, there are 68 of them. And if this is anywhere close to being accurate, what are the odds of Neurodiverse people being adequately represented in much of any "random" study?

It's why I reject any premise of mental health that isolation is inherently toxic for everyone.

Without some degree of solitude I would likely go mad. Something that "shiny happy people holding hands" would not likely appreciate.

Well, there are those for whom socialization is not necessarily the best: Highly Intelligent People Are Less Satisfied By Friendships | Inverse

Or, at least, that's my excuse.

 

[The Penguin]

Well, there are those for whom socialization is not necessarily the best: Highly Intelligent People Are Less Satisfied By Friendships | Inverse

Or, at least, that's my excuse.

The article sums me up very well.

 

[Mia]

Have seen those statistics and homilies most of my life, and for a long time I believed them. But now I have to consider the idea of what it actually means. And ask the question, what is it in and of itself? What is the purpose of continually suggesting to people that they require friendships? What purpose does it serve for society? It creates society. Without friendships, people wouldn't marry or have relationships, not as many children would be born. It is in the best interests of a social group to perpetuate it's own existence.

At different points in people's lives, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, they might require or want friendships. In the business world and the working life, it's necessary to have ersatz friends and acquaintances. And I have had friends for different reasons, childhood friends that I played with, teenage friends who I talked with, went places with, learned things from. As an adult I had and have friends who I worked with, went out with, socialized with. The few friends I have now, are off living in different places in the world. And I see or visit them once a year at most. Many of the friendships I've had in the past benefited the friends much more than they did me. Haven't derived all that much from friendships.

So why are friendships so lauded by scientists? I think it's because it's a way to control other people, to keep an eye on others. Social mores control people and keep them from doing things that society doesn't approve of. Likely why the idea of friendship keeps reoccurring in our conscious and unconscious minds.

 

[8398]

I would go back and forth between "Friends are a distraction" and "I'm lonely" sometimes. But I've been content for awhile now. Family and nature is good enough. But embarrassingly honest: I want someone to hug at night or be romantic towards. That's probably the only thing that bugs me. I CAN'T HELP IT IM A TEENAGER OKAY

 

[@liamod]

The main problem (for me at least) is that you need someone that can understand me and that won't get scared off by my interests or by my "aspie" syndrome. The popular culture today makes people reluctant to be friends with Aspies.

I am a loner, but I always wish that I had friends I could hang out with. Even cyber friends. Preferably in Western Australia.

 

[OlLiE]

if you can enjoy the benefits of solitude, selectively choose one's contacts, and choose when and how you expose yourself to stimuli, then i think its great

absolute and total isolation, not so great, well not for me though, but to each his own

 

[SusanLR]

I'm a loner that doesn't want to be truly alone.
I never had friends growing up. Still don't. My parents and pets were all I wanted along with my hobbies.
I know why my parents were the only people I cared for being with and could be comfortable with now. They were the only ones I trusted with my heart.
It is a vicious cycle for me. I want one or two people to do things with even though I enjoy my alone time. I want to feel love and loved. I didn't trust anyone else in the world for this except my parents.
If you can't believe in others then how can you be yourself, be comfortable or feel truly loved/accepted or love them?

Think of a circle in a circle. In the center circle is me. No one except my parents were in that circle with me. All others were in the outer circle. I could interact with them, but, they were just that... People to interact with and usually wearing my masks of acting .
Now it's only me in the center circle. I do miss someone to be myself with, do certain things with, and feel love, security and comfort with.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Have seen those statistics and homilies most of my life, and for a long time I believed them. But now I have to consider the idea of what it actually means. And ask the question, what is it in and of itself? What is the purpose of continually suggesting to people that they require friendships? What purpose does it serve for society? It creates society. Without friendships, people wouldn't marry or have relationships, not as many children would be born. It is in the best interests of a social group to perpetuate it's own existence.

At different points in people's lives, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, they might require or want friendships. In the business world and the working life, it's necessary to have ersatz friends and acquaintances. And I have had friends for different reasons, childhood friends that I played with, teenage friends who I talked with, went places with, learned things from. As an adult I had and have friends who I worked with, went out with, socialized with. The few friends I have now, are off living in different places in the world. And I see or visit them once a year at most. Many of the friendships I've had in the past benefited the friends much more than they did me. Haven't derived all that much from friendships.

So why are friendships so lauded by scientists? I think it's because it's a way to control other people, to keep an eye on others. Social mores control people and keep them from doing things that society doesn't approve of. Likely why the idea of friendship keeps reoccurring in our conscious and unconscious minds.

'All that we are is a result of what we have thought'

This sort of joins in with my thoughts of society and community.
Family then social lives have been politicised over a period of time.
Counting figures and incidences,recording the changing rukes of how it should be.

In a way politics killed communities as it divided people from each other by putting itself in the middle of every family.
It reduced crime a lot in the west, blood feuds etc etc... but creating an expectation or dependence...

So once theyve destroyed community.... they want us all to make friends for a similar purpose to what youve described.

Its not 'scientists' as such but the scientists you get to hear about.

Theres generally a reason you hear about everything. Most tning are true but theyre used for either propoganda or to generate eyeballs for advertising money,

Aaah, i digress. Have found a path that almost noone walks on, so am going to walk on it

 

[Tyrantus1212]

From personal experience, being a loner for too long can get very boring and tiresome. I've been mostly a loner when I was a kid, and I was very socially awkward and shy too. My only friend in childhood was another socially awkward and shy one, and it was just the two of us before he moved away. I actually preferred a mostly "lone wolf" style - until I grew out of my shy phase and came out of my shell. I can never find a middle ground, you see? Thus I ended up becoming TOO social and tried way too hard to make friends in college, because I really wanted friends by that time. It did NOT turn out well at all and I ended up behaving in a very annoying and obnoxious manner without even being aware. People started avoiding me and even hating me, and I ended up being more lonely than ever. Few actually did appreciate me fully and thought I was cool. After this trainwreck though, I resorted back to lone wolf style with the only friends in my life being my parents. I graduated and just focused on work, started a month after graduation.

I did make a few friends in recent years, several years after I graduated and started working - and I did improve a bit after my bad college experience. My social skills are still quite bad though, but these new friends never put me down for it or make me feel bad about it. That's what I want!! I still don't like being a lone wolf. Being lonely for so many years can take a toll eventually and one would want to have friends eventually - at least, in my life. Thanks to my college disaster though, I was actually FORCED to remain a lone wolf. Due to the fact that I had trouble making friends my entire life and just really bad social skills in general, I tend to be very clingy and very needy towards my current friends.

This is a big catch though, because I worry that I might scare them away eventually. My therapist recommended to tone it down a notch, and I've managed to do that for the time being - but if I don't get to see them for too long it all comes back. The doc said that hanging out twice a month is fine, it wouldn't demote them to acquaintance status - and they have such busy lives; I don't want them to think that I'm an extra wheel with a blown out tire. After being FORCED to live as a lone wolf, I cannot afford for the life in me to lose these friends. I have to do what's right; I used to expect so much from them, which included daily communication and hanging out EVERY weekend. It probably stems from the fact that I have to make up for my loneliness, but also due to the fact that they are such awesome folks and have never made me feel bad about myself being the way I am.

To add to this, in some cases I still want to be left alone - like when I'm at my computer. At other times I buzz around my parents like a fly, talking about my narrow interests and just uttering random stuff. I really cannot stand NOT being with my friends for so long, and my doc described that as "buzzing like a fly" around them.

So this summarizes the lone wolf experience for me, and of course everyone's experience is different.

 

[Chance]

Pros of being a loner:
(when I am allowed to be alone) No one bothers me or upsets me with their drama or comments.
No one is telling me what to say, or that I need to say something, when I don't want to say anything.
Its quiet, or I can listen to music, or be boring, or sleep
I can be me, the real me, the me that doesn't have to worry over 1000 things at a time to make sure I don't look and sound like some ASD goof ball.
There isn't a TV blaring and hurting my ears... or a bunch of people talking over each other.

Cons of being a loner: .............. I'm trying very hard, I got nothing! I only hear crickets.... : )

 

[DarkAshtar]

I'm a loner by nature, I have 1 friend I text to alot. But I also live with my sister and her husband, and my nephew. I get to spend time with them but I have my own room as a place that is mine. I spend most of my time in my room, I need to live with someone, because when I did live on my own it was terrible, I mean the emptiness almost over took me and IdI tried many times to kill myself. You need something to tether yourself to humans. But that's just my opinion.

 

[Gracey]

Pro : get to regulate the amount and intensity of social contact throughout ‘recovery’
(Push myself to find and break through boundaries)
Currently happiest 80% loner, 20% social.
- not ideal for current skill set and obtaining employment.

I get to use my time to my advantage. No interruptions.

Gives my hearing a break.
(Can hear myself think)

Giving me a better idea about how long it takes me to withdraw, restore calm and then get back ‘out there’ - the idea being how not to get so anxious in the first place - still working on that.

Cons: identity.

 

[tlc]

When I am alone is the only time I am sure of everything, and am the happiest. I can do things that make me happy, even if it would bore other people or drive them away. I can read or play music for hours and hours. Or try to figure out a project. Or watch weird programming I find on my big old satellite dish, or zone out to the comfort of looped programming.

Bring other people into the mix and there is always stress and I have to question everything, or stop what I am doing and try to be considerate to please them.

Looking back over the years (yes I've done that a lot lately), my greatest accomplishments, and happiest and most memorable times have been when I was alone. So now I am going to stay that way. I'm finally at a house and property where nobody tells me how to live and I want to make the best of it while I am still young enough to do things.

Oh wait there are supposed to be cons. It's tougher if I actually need help with something. Some things are easier accomplished with 2 people. I've learned to figure out ways of doing everything alone. Either ways of moving things, making fixtures to hold parts, etc.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Tyrantus1212 You won't scare them away they will couple up with each other and leave you. Whatever friends I made in my life all did this.

 

[paloftoon]

I am a loner, but a forced one and for many years, I learned to enjoy my own company, but I guess as I get older, reality steps in and I fear being alone, despite the fact, that I am better on my own. The occasions I am not alone, I feel too surreal and so happy when the person leaves me alone, but I envy others, when I see how full their lives are.

I am married, but my husband is such a hard worker, that in fact, we spend VERY LITTLE time together and we do not have children. I am unable to go out on my own very far, due t chronic social anxiety and have not got a licence and so, truly have to rely on others.

I find that when I do get to spend time with people, I long to be back alone again.

I think if one is a loner, but has a great support system when the it is needed, is the good balance.

Even a when I do find I am ok with someone, I still have this burning need to be on my own. I guess it comes down to habits. Again, I have had no choice but to learn to accept my own company and so, instead of collapsing, I have found things to do that bring me pleasure on my own.

My husband's barbed wire comment is usually: you might as well be single, since all your pleasures are for a single person. But, well what does one expect, when they are left to their own devices and I mean: not see my husband from 7am to often 8pm and that was all week and occasionally, he would try to get away with working saturdays, but for some reason, I NEED to have company at the weekend.

Have you considered a pet or adopting?
Maybe this would work in your situation as long as you feel you could handle the responsibility.