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Pretenting to be nice

Aspergers_Aspie

Well-Known Member
It makes me very annoyed but I control it, it's difficult. But sometimes in a bar or cafe customers or bar staff sometimes try to pretend to be genuine and nice but later you hear them mocking a customer, they are wolves in sheep clothing, lying cowards
 
I hear it at jobs I've worked, after the colleague hangs up the phone, then they start swearing and insulting the person they just spoke to.

Ed
 
Part of their job is to be nice and smile to customers, if they are having a bad day they have to pretend they are in a good mood and smile. I have had jobs like that, you can run into the worst and most difficult person on earth and you just want to smack him, but you have to be professional and polite and nice. So pretending is normal. But they should of course not mock anyone, that's wrong.
 
I think it goes a bit too far to think of them as 'wolves' or cowards'. I believe if we are honest a large majority, perhaps a very large majority, of people talk behind someone's back. And jobs involving dealing with people all the time likely bring it on even more so. So I see it as basically natural, though some are particularly mean spirited about it. Those I would consider not nice people.
 
I think @Tom and @Forest Cat have really good points, but it still doesn’t make much sense to me. Yes we must adapt our behavior to be tactful sometimes, but a modicum of authenticity and honesty can still withstand, in my opinion.

But of course, none of us are perfect, and I am guilty of some of these things. I have written to change that because it does feel so disingenuous.

I think the best way to quit talking behind someone’s back is to hear someone talking behind yours. Knowing how hurtful this can be prevents me from doing this behavior anymore.
 
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I think @Tom and @Forest Cat have really good points, but it still doesn’t make much sense to me. Yes we must adapt our behavior to be tactful sometimes, but a modicum of authenticity and honesty can still withstand, in my opinion.

I think part of it is that you'll just be fired from your job if you're not polite and nice to people/customers/guests. For example, I worked at a place and ran into some really unpleasant people. If I had done what I wanted to do, they would have complained to the managment about it, the managment would then swiftly have called me in to a meeting and said "Forest cat, you're sooo incredibly fired, get your stuff and get out!". So sometimes being yourself just isn't an option. :) You have to put on that professional mask and be nice.
 
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This is simply masking in the customer service industry. When l work in such positions, it's just my public persona l slip into.
 
I think part of it is that you'll just be fired from your job if you're not polite and nice to people/customers/guests. For example, I worked at a place and ran into some really unpleasant people. If I had done what I wanted to do, they would have complained to the managment about it, the managment would then swiftly have called me in to a meeting and said "Forest cat, you're sooo incredibly fired, get your stuff and get out!". So sometimes being yourself just isn't an option. :)

This is simply masking in the customer service industry. When l work in such positions, it's just my public persona l slip into.

I see what you guys are saying.

We call it masking.
We call it tact.
We call it customer service.

An outburst of less kind emotions is probably a form of venting, too, so that you can maintain your composure for the next customer or situation.

I can see it does have value at times.
 
Gossip can apparently be a pretty powerful bonding technique. It's almost like you're saying to somebody: "We're cool, but everyone else really gets on my nerves" even though it hardly means anything when you do it repeatedly.

I don't think they're pretending to be nice so much as they're pretending to be annoyed just to have some common ground with coworkers so they can all relate to each other. What usually comes next is "I know, right? The same thing happened to me last weekend!"

Most people aren't that mean, but they'll do anything to fend off feelings of loneliness. I should also mention that studies show that people would rather shock themselves with electricity than to feel boredom, so we're all just a bunch of dumb animals at the end of the day.
 
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Working with customers has been mentioned many times. But I’m surprised that no one mentioned the importance of working with colleagues. It’s called teamwork :D
 
I think part of it is that you'll just be fired from your job if you're not polite and nice to people/customers/guests. For example, I worked at a place and ran into some really unpleasant people. If I had done what I wanted to do, they would have complained to the managment about it, the managment would then swiftly have called me in to a meeting and said "Forest cat, you're sooo incredibly fired, get your stuff and get out!". So sometimes being yourself just isn't an option. :) You have to put on that professional mask and be nice.

This is simply masking in the customer service industry. When l work in such positions, it's just my public persona l slip into.

Totally.

One of my favourite Sara Bareilles songs is Opening Up (2015) where she's singing about the drudgery of working as a waitress, and putting your best face on day after day.

The day starts like the rest I've seen
And all the carbon copy of where I've already been
Days keep coming one on one
And they keep coming
Don't know what I wish I had
But there's no time now for thinking things like that
I've got too much to do (Too much to do)
We've got too much to do (Too much to do)
Opening up
Letting the day in
Pour you a cup
And say, "Hello, how ya been?"
Looking around
Seeing the same things
It's comforting how
Some things never change
Never change
Never change
Do they?
I wouldn't call this place a happy end
But I've been 'round the block
And just came back again
Could be worse
So make it work
No place is perfect
Hey
No good in the outside world
Because I feel too much
And find it usually hurts
I like the way most of the days
Look exactly the same
Opening up
Everyday starts
Over a cup
Served with, "Hello, how ya been?"
Welcoming in
Whatever the day brings
More of the same things
Check the clock
Tick, tick, tock
Don't stop
Serve with a smile
Hurry up
Fill the coffee cup
And then in a while
Take a breath
When you need to be reminded
That with days like these
We can only do the best we can
And do it all again
It's the heartbeat
The center
The lifeline
You enter
It's the heartbeat
It's the center
The lifeline
You enter
It's the heartbeat
The center
The lifeline
You enter
Opening up
Letting the day in
Pour you a cup
And say, "Hello, how ya been?"
Looking around
Seeing the same things
It's comforting how
Some things never change
Never change
Never change
They never change

 
I can explain at least part of it.

For workers who are talking mean about customers, well... let me put it this way: Spend just a short time in customer service, in cashiering, in any thing like that where you're directly involved with that basic interaction with customers at a high frequency and, well... sooner or later you will become just as jaded as they are. I dont work anymore, but from my experience back when I did, I know *exactly* why they get so judgmental about customers and such. Anyone working retail knows that customers as a whole are, honestly, pretty horrible. It's very hard NOT to have a super negative view of them. And sooner or later, you're gonna start to vent a bit.

It may happen less for those on the spectrum, but for most... yeah, it happens.

It's not that the workers are secretly awful people or something like that. It's that the nature of the job and frequent abuse from customers will eventually get them into that perpetually sour, angry state while on the job. But they *must* pretend to be super friendly even to someone who is screaming at them, or they get fired, and that just makes it even more infuriating.

It's just a natural response to the abuse and stress that comes with working retail. Or many other customer service positions.

If you dont want people talking nasty about you... always be polite with them. I guarantee you, that cashier you're working with is probably having a bad day (I know I always did... not even once did I *not* have a bad day when at work). Dont make it worse, and they wont think you're terrible.
 
I can explain at least part of it.

For workers who are talking mean about customers, well... let me put it this way: Spend just a short time in customer service, in cashiering, in any thing like that where you're directly involved with that basic interaction with customers at a high frequency and, well... sooner or later you will become just as jaded as they are. I dont work anymore, but from my experience back when I did, I know *exactly* why they get so judgmental about customers and such. Anyone working retail knows that customers as a whole are, honestly, pretty horrible. It's very hard NOT to have a super negative view of them. And sooner or later, you're gonna start to vent a bit.

It may happen less for those on the spectrum, but for most... yeah, it happens.

It's not that the workers are secretly awful people or something like that. It's that the nature of the job and frequent abuse from customers will eventually get them into that perpetually sour, angry state while on the job. But they *must* pretend to be super friendly even to someone who is screaming at them, or they get fired, and that just makes it even more infuriating.

It's just a natural response to the abuse and stress that comes with working retail. Or many other customer service positions.

If you dont want people talking nasty about you... always be polite with them. I guarantee you, that cashier you're working with is probably having a bad day (I know I always did... not even once did I *not* have a bad day when at work). Dont make it worse, and they wont think you're terrible.

When interacting with service-sector workers and another customer just gave them a hard time, I'll usually apologize for them and share my sympathies. Many start out optimistic and keen to give the benefit of the doubt, but dealing with too much... bullock manure... will lead one to become jaded.
 
Most people are like that. They mask in front of someone, then complain or gossip behind their back. Often, they don't actually feel that way, they are using it as a device to connect to people or up their social status. Gossiping doesn't make you popular, but you have the interraction and connect (I think). The opposite is virtue signaling, equally insidious, but at least with gossiping you're not trying to hide what you are actually doing. Nasty.
 
It makes me very annoyed but I control it, it's difficult. But sometimes in a bar or cafe customers or bar staff sometimes try to pretend to be genuine and nice but later you hear them mocking a customer, they are wolves in sheep clothing, lying cowards
It is very interesting when people think they can talk badly about someone else just after being nice to their faces. I had an ex-colleague who did that a lot. There seems to be a face that they want to show to others but then, they can’t keep it and it falls. One day, this behavior will catch them and they‘’ll do it to someone who wont ignore it.
 
Just about anybody who has worked in retail, food service, or hospitality industries has their 'customer service face'. It is a defense mechanism developed as we deal with the general public. Most of us work the job to pay the bills, not for the social interaction.

I've worked frontside retail at a bookshop for years and most folks are pretty decent and easy to assist. There are, however, people who can only be described as spectacularly stupid and in some cases are down right cruel to employees just because they think they are entitled to be.

People who are genuinely nice in such situations have way more character than I do. People vent about difficult customers because it is how they release a build up of emotions, it is one of the most common ways to stay sane.
 

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