preparing myself for therapy

[Jdeisher]

As everyone should see or may have read quite a few of my threads since I am obsessed with the autism subject atm, I am currently self diagnosed, but Very very confident that I am on the spectrum. All the research I have done this past week, and all the information I got from my mother should set me up with a pretty solid starting point come Monday when I visit my therapist again.

Most of you that have been keeping up with my lengthy threads(I'm sorry lol) know that I have very big communication issues with my wife. It's not her fault at all,but it is something that I need to fix. I love my wife very much, and the past year has been a stressful and tiring one. My son was born, and I got injured pretty bad at work within a 2 week period. My anxiety with everything skyrocketed, our relationship with each other was hard to focus on, and it got to the point of me having a major breakdown in April. This also put a strain on our already strained marriage. I had to see a therapist again. It was kind of an ultimatum, but I agreed completely and this was long before my findings on autism(It was only brought to my attention this past week).

After meeting with my new therapist and getting used to her she said that she believed I definitely had ADHD. So I saw the P.C. that I was recommended to in the same office and he agreed. Started ADHD medicine soon after(June-present). my focus was definitely increasing and helping in being able to do my job and handling house stuff after work, but of course the relationship with my wife still wasn't improving.

I did not mention that after my son was born in September, my wife had quite a long healing process. Intimacy was non existent from July-January. That was a long long time. I definitely struggled because I had worked so hard on building an intimate relationship in the first place. We were together a total of 11 years at that point. So 11 years on closeness and intimacy. And then this pause.

I did not know that I could regress into not even enjoying cuddling again, and I thought I was just a weird guy with all kinds of mental disorders, so anyway, I kept telling myself when January came I would be back to normal. the feeling or desire for touching or affection never showed to me. My feelings had not changed for my wife, just the approach and thought of contact gave me anxiety. My anxiety built and made it not happen, every month got worse and after the breakdown, I knew things would be even harder.

My anxiety with intimacy has definitely reached an all time high, and maybe my wife thinks that me obsessing about and completely believing that I am on the spectrum is going to be an excuse to not be intimate or affectionate. Whether that be the case or not, I am definitely terrified to have both my wife and therapist hearing my childhood, both staring at me, maybe doubting everything I'm saying, or completely ignoring all of the signs and symptoms, and having to listen to my wife describe how I act or react to things, how I am on a daily basis, and how I have acted before last year's events.

I am trying greatly to prepare myself for an evening which could turn out either way. Will my wife be understanding, and accepting? Will they tag team me and make me look like a fool? Will I finally get an answer to all of the questions ive been stuck with since I can remember?

With what happens next week, I will be able to progress with my wife and be able to try harder with the affection knowing what I need to do to be able to successfully communicate my needs. I would like her to prepare for next week too, but the last time I mentioned autism, it turned into an argument. Maybe if she researched it and understood it more, maybe she could start to see what I see. But I do not know how to even bring the subject up again without causing mayhem.

OK, so there is my newest rant.

 

[Suzanne]

I couldn't vote, because each therapist is different ie have different approaches. But you are certainly on the right path, if it is a clear cut that you have ADHD.

Personally, I wouldn't mention aspergers. If a therapist is a good one, just by you describing your behaviour habits, will make your therapist ponder. There is this sense of they like to have the upper hand and that is what frightens me, because I know more than them, but have to hold myself back.

I would go alone to your therapist and explain that your wife believes that you are making excuses and perhaps, by the time your wife arrives, the therapist will be able to convince her of your authenticity.

Nt's love formal diagnoses.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

1. What experience does your therapist have with autistic patients?
2. Is her expertise more relationship counselling?

More difficult talking about 1 if her study is 2.
Rephrase things without referring to autism if the expertise is 2 or ask if she knows an expert.
If you mention 1 it may be easier for your wife (possibly therapist) to think (incorrectly) that you are the focus and the one that needs to be 'fixed'
When relationship problems are relationship problems.
Usually down to communication, autism although difficult, is not the primary problem.
And a relationship involves two people accepting responsibility-not just you.

Read up about how to use 'I ' statements instead of 'you'
As it can help avoid defensive reactions.

Tough days ahead.

Autism is something for you to understand first imo. Banging the drum is getting her defensive.
She might think your problems have a different source. How easy will it be for you to listen first?

Hope your therapist is a good one !

 

[ksheehan88]

The biggest issue with therapists is they are not fully qualified to diagnose. A Psychiatrist or Psychologist who specialises in diagnosing ASD is your best bet, but I know in the US its expensive to do so.

 

[Ming of Mongo]

From what you wrote, I'd say anxiety is a far more pressing problem than ASD stuff. You are living totally in the future, and not at all in the present. One thing at a time.

 

[pjcnet]

Based on your posts so far I think it's very likely that you're an aspie and I get the impression that you are hoping for confirmation (this is NOT a criticism, being diagnosed can be very helpful). Even though I voted that your therapist will "definitely agree", it would have been better if it was worded "probably agree" because I'm afraid there's no definite. I also agree with others here and question whether your therapist is qualified, some medical professionals have a good understanding of the autistic spectrum even though they're not qualified to diagnose, but I've come across a few with a very poor understanding. In other words if your therapist isn't qualified and doesn't send you for further tests, you could still be an aspie and ideally you would still get a more qualified opinion. I wish you the very best of luck and I hope you get the outcome that you want (please keep us updated).

 

[dragoncat16]

Your options are very black and white: either your therapist will totally agree with you or totally deny what you are saying. Things are usually more grey than that, and there is no way for us to know how your therapist will react because we have never met her. That is why I was not able to vote.

Perhaps you could gently introduce the idea, saying that someone you know had suggested you might be on the spectrum, and that you have taken some online tests, and much of what you have read about ASD matches experiences from your own life, including your childhood. I really don't see how someone could deny the possibility of your being on the spectrum without official test results, but the same goes for confirming that you are on the spectrum.

The purpose of the therapy is to help you, so approach it in that way. Be relaxed, open, and honest, and know that everyone there wants the best possible outcome.

 

[Chance]

as everyone should see or may have read quite a few of my threads since I am obsessed with the autism subject atm, I am currently self diagnosed, but Very very confident that I am on the spectrum. all the research I have done this past week, and all the information I got from my mother should set me up with a pretty solid starting point come Monday when I visit my therapist again. most of you that have been keeping up with my lengthy threads(I'm sorry lol) know that I have very big communication issues with my wife. its not her fault at all. but It is something that I need to fix, I love my wife very much, and the past year has been a stressful and tiring one. my son was born, and I got injured pretty bad at work within a 2 week period. my anxiety with everything skyrocketed, our relationship with each other was hard to focus on, and it got to the point of me having a major breakdown in April. which also put a strain on our already strained marriage. I had to see a therapist again. it was kind of an ultimatum, but I agreed completely. and this was long before my findings on autism(It was only brought to my attention this past week). after meeting with my new therapist and getting used to her. she said that she believed I definitely had ADHD. so I saw the P.C. that I was recommended to in the same office and he agreed. started ADHD medicine soon after(June-present). my focus was definitely increasing and helping in being able to do my job and handling house stuff after work. but of course the relationship with my wife still wasn't improving. I did not mention that after my son was born in September, my wife had quite a long healing process. intimacy was non existent from july-january. that was a long long time. I definitely struggled because I had worked so hard on building an intimate relationship in the first place. we were together a total of 11 years at that point. so 11 years on closeness and intimacy. and then this pause. I did not know that I could regress into not even enjoying cuddling again, and I thought I was just a weird guy with all kinds of mental disorders, so anyway, I kept telling myself when January came I would be back to normal. the feeling or desire for touching or affection never showed to me. my feelings had not changed for my wife, just the approach and thought of contact gave me anxiety. my anxiety built and made it not happen, every month got worse. and after the breakdown, I knew things would be even harder. my anxiety with intimacy has definitely reached an all time high, and maybe my wife thinks that me obsessing about and completely believing that I am on the spectrum is going to be an excuse to not be intimate or affectionate. whether that be the case or not, I am definitely terrified to have both my wife and therapist hearing my childhood, both staring at me, maybe doubting everything I'm saying, or completely ignoring all of the signs and symptoms, and having to listen to my wife describe how I act or react to things, how I am on a daily basis, and how I have acted before last years events. I am trying greatly to prepare myself for an evening which could turn out either way. will my wife be understanding, and accepting? will they tag team me and make me look like a fool? will I finally get an answer to all of the questions ive been stuck with since I can remember. with what happens next week, I will be able to progress with my wife and be able to try harder with the affection knowing what I need to do to be able to successfully communicate my needs. I would like her to prepare for next week too. but the last time I mentioned autism, it turned into an argument, maybe if she researched it and understood it more, maybe she could start to see what I see. but I do not know how to even bring the subject up again without causing mayhem. ok so there is my newest rant.

J...

I think we think a lot a like... your mind is running full speed on 10 different subjects... and a million subtopics, and countless other things, like what people think, and what is wrong, and its an upside down spaghetti bowl up in your head... JUST SLOW IT DOWN, you got too buddy. I say this not to insult you, but to truly try and help you..

I see this picture of me in what you say, but it was like 10 years ago and my whole life was just a train wreck. I knew I was losing control. I was scared to death. My wife didn't understand and I had 1 son. It all went bad in a hurry. I started freaking out having massive panic attacks, sort of blacking out at times, and then I would just shut down...

I had learned to fake being a typical person. I wanted to be normal so bad it hurt. It took so much energy and thought that over time my body or my mind simply couldn't do it anymore.

I basically came way too close to just ending it. I made it through that, but I have never been the same since. My marriage has never been the same. Not even going there...

When people you love don't support you... it messes you up! I don't have the answer, I don't even know how to describe that level of hurt... When their non-support turns into a sheer hate it crushes you... Try and talk to your wife. If she is truly not with you, then maybe she needs to counseled and not be a part of the counseling.

My wife who is sexy, smart, and beautiful... Became my worst enemy the day we were told what all was wrong with me. Something changed in her, it was nearly like I seen it on her face and I suck at reading expressions. It was like she was ashamed of me, and she would have been better off never knowing...

ASD does not set well with lots of people... You need to understand that a diagnosis isn't going to fix anything... Yes, it will answer a lot of questions, but it carries a stigma that isn't some badge of honor.

Some of it isn't going to make sense right now, or 10 years down the road. Yet other stuff will fall into place as you slow down and allow it. Therapy is cool. I speak with a counselor every Wednesday (thats today, geez)...

Sometimes its good, sometimes it makes me wonder about myself, and about his ability. However, over time we have basically become actual friends. We play golf sometimes. Or sometimes he will just randomly call me and pick my brain on something he is working with on another patient to just see and compare... He loves his job, and that makes him wonderful at his job.

Once we sort of become friends, It was at that point he started doing his best work, because I finally got real and took down all the walls I had built from thoughts that were destroying me.

Please know I am for you in what you say... I just maybe feel too much of what you say and it worries me FOR YOU... Just slow down and breathe every time you think about it...

Its gonna be okay... : )

I see so many people wanting a diagnosis... I wanted to give mine back and still do.
I dont care about labels... I care about what helps me become the best version of me possible.
You basically know somethings are out of whack - so do you really need to be labeled?

Start sorting and calming things back down and it won't matter to you one way or another.
Your health and happiness are not in the FUTURE they have to be fixed in the now, or they suck in the future also. : )

 

[Sabrina]

You said : “my wife and therapist hearing my childhood, both staring at me, maybe doubting everything”.
I don’t think going with your wife is a good idea. First, because it doubles your anxiety, second, because IMO this should be an issue you should tackle on your own. You need time to reflect on everything and figure things on your own. Having somebody else’s opinions in the middle (specially if they are not supportive) just makes the whole process almost impossible. You have to find confidence in yourself, and figure things out on your own BEFORE going with all this to your wife.

Also bear in mind that not all therapist are good for you (even if they are experts). I tried two therapists before sticking to the one I have, who’s been great.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

The biggest issue with therapists is they are not fully qualified to diagnose. A Psychiatrist or Psychologist who specialises in diagnosing ASD is your best bet, but I know in the US its expensive to do so.

I was going to say the exact same. I do not think many therapists specializing in counseling, if any at all, is qualified to diagnose ASD. They would have to do a referral to a specialist for that. We finally found a "Pediatric" Psychologist specializing in Autism five hours away from us that accepted cash, and it a was very reasonable cost. Less than two $200 dollars. That is a rarity yes. Most others wanted to charge between $500 and $2000, for diagnosing something so easy to diagnose, if they ask the right things, do the right questionnaires, and/or are trained to look at and observe, analyze and look at the medical history and other supporting facts properly.

As you are an adult, and you already have diagnosed ADHD, my first choice would be the psychologist specializing in Autism and not a psychiatrist, as many psychiatrists like pushing drugs, thus there is a chance they may just try to reconconfirm the ADHD, without looking for a new non-drug type condition, or without wanting to say you could have a dual condition, that included ASD, too. A psychologist may be more apt to come up with their own independent diagnosis, and observe and analyze with fresher eyes and form new medical opinion. When we lived in another state next to you, there was a comprehensive psychologist for adults and children who did lots of questionnaires and observations, to confirm one of our sons did meet the criteria for ASD.

Most likely an effective psychologist or psychiatrist would compare their observations, with your answers from various questionnaires given, and looking at past medical and witness information to form their opinion, to rate it up against the DSM-V. If you satisfied the criteria of the DSM-V for ASD in their eyes, you have ASD.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

You said : “my wife and therapist hearing my childhood, both staring at me, maybe doubting everything”.
I don’t think going with your wife is a good idea. First, because it doubles your anxiety, second, because IMO this should be an issue you should tackle on your own. You need time to reflect on everything and figure things on your own. Having somebody else’s opinions in the middle (specially if they are not supportive) just makes the whole process almost impossible. You have to find confidence in yourself, and figure things out on your own BEFORE going with all this to your wife.

Also bear in mind that not all therapist are good for you (even if they are experts). I tried two therapists before sticking to the one I have, who’s been great.

I agree the wife should not go, to create more calm and less interference in learning the truth. I feel having the mother go to any evaluation should be a consideration, if that is possible, and if she would be supportive there, and it would be far more ideal than the wife. She would have knowledge of his childhood, too, those things he cannot remember. If the wife gets upset at that, too bad. She is getting upset anyway at him for even talking about ASD. He should not repress that, and he has every right to not feel bad for bringing up such issues.

 

[OkRad]

By the way, it WAS an autism specialist who Dx me as Autism, and another one who took it away. The one was female who had two kids on spectrum who said yes, and an arrogant prick male Dr NT who took it away. He, by the way, got a multi million dollar grant for the co he works for. So yeah....who to believe? Beats me.

I know I do not have autism proper. But I am on the Spectrum. For me, the Karyotyping gene testing saved me. Drs respect that a lot, it tells me who I am , I met others like me, and it answers many more questions than this fuzzy autism dxing that my drs are doing on me!

 

[xudo]

I didn't vote, because there's no right answer. There's no way to know what any therapist on any given day will say.

Just wait and see what she says.

 

[Katleya]

I can't vote, because it all boils down on whether your therapist has extensive knowledge of autism or not. And, along with that knowledge, it depends on whether they have prejudice (in your case, it would be prejudice on autism existing only in children, as some specialists still seem to believe, or in adults as well).
You could spend one hour not saying the A word with an autism specialist, and this would be brought up, just like you could see a series of specialists who had no autism training, raise your findings to them, only to see them not taken into account, or worse, much, much worse.
Trying to discuss autism with any therapist that doesn't have extensive knowledge and training on autism is like mistakenly going to your pharmacist for open-heart surgery. Yeah, they're wearing the same white lab coat, but that's about all that they have in common.

I spoke about autism with one psychiatrist years ago, after I'd already self-diagnosed; ended up in a mental clinic on antipsychotic medication that did nothing because surprise, surprise, I wasn't any kind of psychotic, schizoid, or anything. They didn't care about the concept of differential diagnosis, I was an adult and a woman, not a young boy, so it HAD to be mental illness, and therefore my opinion on the matter was void.
Years later, I tried therapy with another psychiatrist for 6 months. I raised autism, and I raised the question of IQ. She didn't bat an eyelid. Never even suggested that maybe we should try for an IQ test to figure out if I was claiming intellectual skills or if it was for real. Never referred me to someone who could handle me better, either. But back then, I had no idea that not all psychiatrists were able to assess me, and I never could have imagined that most of them actually rejected the idea.
I finally got my diagnosis through another specialist, that my mother found.
And then, a few months later, I tried therapy again, with a regular psychiatrist closer to where I live, who specialized in cognitive behavior therapy and performance anxiety. We had 3 sessions total. I stopped going when he said he didn't believe in autism, because what's the point, then?

Find the right therapist first.
Discuss it with them.
If you feel you really need the assessment, go ahead.
But maybe keep your wife out of it, at least for now, until she digests the news... keeping in mind that she might not (it can be a concern for her on so many levels, especially because of genetics factors; maybe some part of her is now freaking out that maybe you passed on those genes, for all I know).

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Find the right therapist first.
Discuss it with them.
If you feel you really need the assessment, go ahead.
But maybe keep your wife out of it, at least for now, until she digests the news...

Read this about ten times.

Katleya, you seem to have lived it and breathed it.
From your experience a saying comes to mind 'a sword that is well forged never loses its golden color'
Hope it applies to you as i like the saying!

May I ask...... Where did you pick up your sense of humor?


(Im confident you'll take this the right way)

 

[Jdeisher]

The vote thing was just something I added because I was bored after typing everything. I do appreciate all of the input and I have tried filling my mind with other things to slow down. Maybe a legit diagnosis isn’t the best way to go, I know that, what does hurt though is the fact of me telling my wife, hey I started doing this research and just about every single one of these symptoms feels like me. Obvious things that I do, when she is the one telling me the things I do and the ways I act and think, I thought she would agree. My only support system, doesn’t agree with me. So as of now I’m a one person support team with racing thoughts and no one to help(other than everyone here). A self diagnosis only holds my chances of support. When I’m not believed or I’m being turned away, it sucks. I also can’t express to my wife that I would like alone time to follow my interests, or to just refresh, but then I’m told, well I never get alone time, I have the baby up my ass all the time. So why do you get to have it? It hurts, video games used to be my relaxation, my me time; but I constantly got yelled at or scolded to the point that I NEVER play anymore. Maybe I’m so stressed out because the things I loved to do for so long, are no longer there for me.

 

[Katleya]

Read this about ten times.

Katleya, you seem to have lived it and breathed it.
From your experience a saying comes to mind 'a sword that is well forged never loses its golden color'
Hope it applies to you as i like the saying!

May I ask...... Where did you pick up your sense of humor?


(Im confident you'll take this the right way)

I picked it up from the cellar, because I like my humor cold & dry

I like your saying a lot, by the way. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Sabrina]

The vote thing was just something I added because I was bored after typing everything. I do appreciate all of the input and I have tried filling my mind with other things to slow down. Maybe a legit diagnosis isn’t the best way to go, I know that, what does hurt though is the fact of me telling my wife, hey I started doing this research and just about every single one of these symptoms feels like me. Obvious things that I do, when she is the one telling me the things I do and the ways I act and think, I thought she would agree. My only support system, doesn’t agree with me. So as of now I’m a one person support team with racing thoughts and no one to help(other than everyone here). A self diagnosis only holds my chances of support. When I’m not believed or I’m being turned away, it sucks. I also can’t express to my wife that I would like alone time to follow my interests, or to just refresh, but then I’m told, well I never get alone time, I have the baby up my ass all the time. So why do you get to have it? It hurts, video games used to be my relaxation, my me time; but I constantly got yelled at or scolded to the point that I NEVER play anymore. Maybe I’m so stressed out because the things I loved to do for so long, are no longer there for me.

I've been you but I also have been your wife (my still husband -we are separated- is aspie too). This is my advice:
F I N D
H E L P
with house shores or with the baby, or (even better) both; find a nanny, a housekeeper, or a family member to help out, so both, you, but also your wife, can have each, alone time.

 

[Sabrina]

If I were you, I would negotiate with my wife: instead of going to therapy, we use that money to hire a once-a-week-housekeeper or a nanny, that helps her out and in exchange you get three or four hours of FREE (alone) time weekly’ (OUT of the house, do not stay inside of the house, she will never leave you alone and she will unconsciously get mad at you).

Chances are she we will be more supportive of you in general (maybe not the AS issue) because she will see that you care about her, and you are not concerned only about yourself.

 

[Jdeisher]

Ok so I have decided I’m not going to bring my wife with me. I am going to be going by myself. Every single one of you have already been the therapy I’ve needed for so long, and I cannot Thank you enough!!!! I am truly beginning to understand who I am. And I would not change it, just adjust to everyone who doesn’t have the understanding of who all of us are! I had a big meltdown this afternoon at work. I work for a small metal re-rolling mill. And I used to love it. But the way they manage and prioritize the place agitates me alone. Well anyway my production has been down, and I was already at the tip of a meltdown after struggling to get a job run through(the tooling and knives I use to cut the coils of metal are not properly sharpened or maintained because my boss is not smart! But thinks he knows everything) and my boss calls me into his office, the moment he told me to shut the door-you guessed it=Meltdown! He yelled, tried make me look stupid (like he ALWAYS does) and I don’t take that when in a MD!! I yelled back, proved him wrong, flipping the script! Told him everything I am sick of, the way I’m treated, the way my machine runs, the way my precision tooling is garbage! Inside my head I was concentrating on not taking things to an extent that would get me terminated, by the end of it, he shook my hand and told me to go directly to him if I need something or there’s something wrong with the machine!! So I still have a job, but I need to get back onto my programming interest so I can get out of that company! It seems the only time I can truly express myself is in MD mode. And that’s only anger. It’s always been that way! That MD was very mild compared to normal ones, I usually end up inflicting pain on myself to calm down...and my job is not aware of my ADHD or self diagnosed ASD, they just assume I’m a quiet non smiling loner. Lol