Past determining my future

[Markness]

None of my grandparents ever saw me in a relationship nor get married. They even eventually stopped asking me if I had a girlfriend or if I was ever going to start my own family.

I just still can’t let go of never having that special bond in my life. I don’t want all the time I’ve spent thinking on it and the attempts I’ve done to be for naught. I keep feeling like I am being told I need to let go and just accept being single for the rest of my life. It’s too much for me.

 

[Aspychata]

When l think back, l didn't see myself in a relationship either. Because just meeting someone turned out to be the biggest issue. So l think keep putting yourself out there. Alot of men say they go thru a 1000 "no's" until they finally get a yes for a date. So first separate yourself from this and realize lots of women and men have this issue. Just keep going out, keep talking to others, and stay open to the possibilities that you may meet someone. I didn't meet a serious boyfriend until my late 40's because l worked, then came straight home. l did absolutely nothing else because work took all my energy l had. I thought l would never meet anyone, and would be single forever.

 

[Aspychata]

Markness, don't see this as a reflection of yourself. See this as so many women work and we are tired when we finally get home. You have to bring out the best in a woman, because we spent our day trying to just get thru work. So step outside of yourself. Ask the cashier, the bank teller, the waitress, how are you doing today? Have you gone to any movies lately? Have you gone out for a cup of latte? Did you see the museum exhibit in town? Ask them questions, get them to open up. You maybe surprised.

 

[Markness]

I can definitely interact with women on casual and platonic levels. It’s getting to the romantic stages that I find difficult.

 

[Markness]

I got suggested to use Facebook Dating once again. I’d rather not go down that route again. I tried it for a whole summer and didn’t get a single date using it.

 

[Judge]

I got suggested to use Facebook Dating once again. I’d rather not go down that route again. I tried it for a whole summer and didn’t get a single date using it.

I get that. Having been in relationships before the Internet, I can't imagine using it as a premise to meet potential romantic partners. It's too detached without the element of physical presence. Reminding me as well of my brother who met someone online and got along famously with her. Right up until they met in person and then it was over in a hurry.

Whether you meet someone at work (risky business) or at leisure under far nicer circumstances, I think there's that element of meeting in person that makes or breaks the possibilities whether it involves friendship or romance.

And you're not alone in knowing how frustrating it can be in guessing when someone is interested in you beyond jut being friends. When the both of you still have your defenses up, reticent to expose how you really feel. And yes, in a culture that tends to assume it's always up to a male to advance things, if the possibility exists.

Personally I came to the conclusion that to be successful in most cases required me to stick my neck out and be willing to deal with whatever happens, for better or worse. That otherwise in most cases nothing would happen. Though sometimes I got lucky given meeting some more socially/sexually aggressive women. Something that I couldn't "read" of them in interacting with them.

 

[Markness]

Do people who want relationships and don’t struggle with socialization just go out for the exclusive purpose to initiate them?

 

[Hypnalis]

Do people who want relationships and don’t struggle with socialization just go out for the exclusive purpose to initiate them?

People who don't struggle with social interaction and the mating game have many options.
Most of their options aren't available to you at the moment, and some of them will probably never be available to you.

Some XY's can be at places with a lot of people (XX and XY) "on the prowl" and get approached by XX's with no or very little effort.
Or the same people can "turn off" their approachability by modifying their body language, and walk around in the same place without being accosted.

Amusingly, while "hot" XX's can't completely turn of those interactions, they can cut them way back if they want to.
It's much easier to simulate being less attractive than it is to simulate being more attractive.
Oddly there are few, if any, products for supporting that preference, while the hotness-buffing industry is huge /lol.

If you're not in denial about this, you're probably thinking that it's unfair. Which is reasonable: it is unfair.

But the whole mating game is, and has always been unfair. We're evolved to compete for mates, and competition is axiomatically not about fairness for individuals.
Another reliable human-domain heuristic: you can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself, and you can learn to improve your skill at the game.

You have right to choose how you play, if at all. And you have every right to have feelings about it.
But the game itself continues regardless of your feelings.

 

[JayLapointe]

I've said it before to other folks in other posts here but I've often found relationships happen when you aren't trying to force one. I have looked for relationships in the past with virtually no success. But I've been in relationships, and every single one of them was random. I wasn't looking at the time, but I was always open if an interesting person came along that I clicked with.

What I've also found is that sometimes you also just have to take the plunge and be direct. Recently I wasn't sure if a woman I know was being just friendly, or if there was more to it. So I asked straight up, "Am I picking up on something here". The answer was a yes. I wasn't looking to date anyone or start anything, but I was open. I'm not going to say they and I are an item yet, but we're exploring the idea and I had a lovely weekend with them on my vacation just spending time together.

This may ultimately go nowhere, but it happened because I stayed open, wasn't trying to force anything, but still took a risk when opportunity came. Now previous to this, I hadn't been on so much as a date or talked to anyone like that in 3 years.

I think the best thing you can do if you are looking to meet someone is just work on yourself. Your own well being and self confidence. Put yourself out there trying new activities you think you'll enjoy. Because it's putting yourself out there more into the world which is how you'll run into someone you eventually click with, that enjoys some of the things you do as well. And until then, you'll may even have some fun trying out a few new things.

 

[Isaac]

I don’t know if this will help you as much as it did me, but I found this on Facebook a while back and saved it in my “Notes” app:

“Your brain is constantly predicting who you are. Every habit, reaction, and repeated thought reinforces an internal model of your identity. Neuroscience suggests that one of the most powerful ways to build a new identity is by consistently creating prediction errors in that model.

A prediction error happens when reality contradicts what your brain expects. If you believe you are “not confident,” but you speak up anyway, your brain experiences a mismatch. That mismatch forces it to update its internal model. This process is central to how learning works. The brain relies on prediction and correction to adapt. When behavior repeatedly challenges old beliefs, neural pathways begin to shift.

From a scientific standpoint, this process involves dopamine signaling and neuroplasticity. Dopamine is released not just when you succeed, but when outcomes differ from expectations. Each time you act in a way that contradicts your old identity, you weaken the existing neural pattern and strengthen a new one. Over time, repeated small actions reshape self perception more effectively than motivation alone.

The practical takeaway is structured discomfort. Choose small behaviors that reflect the identity you want, even if they feel unnatural at first. If you want to be disciplined, complete a task when you would normally procrastinate. If you want to be confident, take small social risks. Keep the actions realistic and safe.

Identity is not fixed. It updates based on evidence. When you consistently create new evidence, your brain has no choice but to adapt.”

 

[Hypnalis]

I don’t know if this will help you as much as it did me, but I found this on Facebook a while back and saved it in my “Notes” app:

“Your brain is constantly predicting who you are. Every habit, reaction, and repeated thought reinforces an internal model of your identity. Neuroscience suggests that one of the most powerful ways to build a new identity is by consistently creating prediction errors in that model.

A prediction error happens when reality contradicts what your brain expects. If you believe you are “not confident,” but you speak up anyway, your brain experiences a mismatch. That mismatch forces it to update its internal model. This process is central to how learning works. The brain relies on prediction and correction to adapt. When behavior repeatedly challenges old beliefs, neural pathways begin to shift.

From a scientific standpoint, this process involves dopamine signaling and neuroplasticity. Dopamine is released not just when you succeed, but when outcomes differ from expectations. Each time you act in a way that contradicts your old identity, you weaken the existing neural pattern and strengthen a new one. Over time, repeated small actions reshape self perception more effectively than motivation alone.

The practical takeaway is structured discomfort. Choose small behaviors that reflect the identity you want, even if they feel unnatural at first. If you want to be disciplined, complete a task when you would normally procrastinate. If you want to be confident, take small social risks. Keep the actions realistic and safe.

Identity is not fixed. It updates based on evidence. When you consistently create new evidence, your brain has no choice but to adapt.”

This is interesting, and it might well be correct. The suggestion to take small, directed steps to improve yourself is solid, and it's "tried and true". The mechanism makes sense, which (in my experience anyway) is rare in "self-help material - and it tracks with some information @NeoNatalNNT has provided, which is also a good sign

But it's definitely incomplete.

There's certainly a mechanism for change, and it's certainly "high-inertia".
But there is equally certainly a mechanism for stability. And both of them be hijacked.

In normal times, that wouldn't matter, but the world is currently full of malicious people and ideas trying to hijack both processes: i.e.
1. Accelerate and control the direction of the dynamic "adaptive/improving" part
2. Destabilize the nearly-static "defensive/stabilizing" part.

I don't have a simple conclusion for this post, but FWIW I think that in the 21st century, teaching "post-subversion" defense and recovery is as important as learning to develop and improve.
:
:
And a question:
The process you describe is similar to the original meaning associated with the resolution of "cognitive dissonance". ("Cognitive Dissonance" as a term has been hijacked by airheads, but the original concept is real and still deserves a name

So a simplified example (not quite the same as Wikipedia's "Fox and Grapes" one, but the mechanism is the same).

1. A person is presented with a fact that contradicts an existing belief
2. Cognitive Dissonance kicks in, causing mental discomfort
3. They resolve the mental discomfort, but not always in a good way. It can be to double down, switch, deny (that's the Fox and Grapes case), treat both as uncertain, etc.

The wide range of outcomes, the the odd body language people display when the process "runs in real time" are what promoted me to ask the question

The question: Do you think this process the related to the mechanism you described above?

 

[Isaac]

This is interesting, and it might well be correct. The suggestion to take small, directed steps to improve yourself is solid, and it's "tried and true". The mechanism makes sense, which (in my experience anyway) is rare in "self-help material - and it tracks with some information @NeoNatalNNT has provided, which is also a good sign

But it's definitely incomplete.

There's certainly a mechanism for change, and it's certainly "high-inertia".
But there is equally certainly a mechanism for stability. And both of them be hijacked.

In normal times, that wouldn't matter, but the world is currently full of malicious people and ideas trying to hijack both processes: i.e.
1. Accelerate and control the direction of the dynamic "adaptive/improving" part
2. Destabilize the nearly-static "defensive/stabilizing" part.

I don't have a simple conclusion for this post, but FWIW I think that in the 21st century, teaching "post-subversion" defense and recovery is as important as learning to develop and improve.
:
:
And a question:
The process you describe is similar to the original meaning associated with the resolution of "cognitive dissonance". ("Cognitive Dissonance" as a term has been hijacked by airheads, but the original concept is real and still deserves a name

So a simplified example (not quite the same as Wikipedia's "Fox and Grapes" one, but the mechanism is the same).

1. A person is presented with a fact that contradicts an existing belief
2. Cognitive Dissonance kicks in, causing mental discomfort
3. They resolve the mental discomfort, but not always in a good way. It can be to double down, switch, deny (that's the Fox and Grapes case), treat both as uncertain, etc.

The wide range of outcomes, the the odd body language people display when the process "runs in real time" are what promoted me to ask the question

The question: Do you think this process the related to the mechanism you described above?

Yeah, that's an interesting question. If I'm understanding your reply correctly, I have actually experienced what you're talking about. I would do something that "defied expectations", or created a "prediction error" in other words, and I would rationalize it later on as "just a 'one-off' thing/circumstances were different, and I don't think I have the energy to do that again." and thoughts like that. So yeah, I think the process in the quote I mentioned can be maladaptive. It's all dependent on how you think about it and how dedicated you are to accepting that maybe you are capable of more than you think. Plus, the idea that we need some sort of stability in our identity is definitely true - that's probably why I told myself that it was just a "one-off" thing whenever I've been more confident and sociable. So it's probably best to take small steps in the direction you want to go instead of jumping right into the deep end.

Also, you mentioned the process when it "runs in real time". I can definitely relate to how actually trying to socialize in real time can mess up everything. I wish there were an easy way to exercise our mirror neurons so it would be easier to understand people and know what to say or do in real time.

To answer your question in short: Yes. I think the process of resolving cognitive dissonance is probably very closely related to, if not exactly the same, as this "prediction error" learning process.

Edit: Found this study that connects cognitive dissonance with predictive processing - A Theory of Predictive Dissonance: Predictive Processing Presents a New Take on Cognitive Dissonance - PMC

 

[Markness]

If I could just finally break the cycle I am stuck in, I would be able to move on from my past.

How it happened in the first place was being socially ostracized in high school while my older brother was constantly getting attention.

 

[Hypnalis]

Thanks for the Link!

I'll have to read that twice, but looks good and relevant at first glance.

The "Generative Model" references look uncomfortably like AI jargon though, and might be a challenge /lol.

 

[tree]

If I could just finally break the cycle I am stuck in, I would be able to move on from my past.

What cycle is that?

 

[Markness]

What cycle is that?

The vicious cycle of being socially isolated and hitting walls when I do socialize.

 

[tree]

What you refer to as hitting the walls
seems to be the difference between
your expectation and whatever the
immediate result is.

Consistently mistaking what you do as a
failure, because it didn't lead to-----ta da----
a girlfriend.

You've mentioned going places lately.
Don't you enjoy the activities for themselves,
quite aside from the agenda of gf seeking?

Otherwise, why go?