Your worrying about the past is wasting time today. Please try to get on with your life and stop dwelling on the past. You can't change the past but you can control or significantly influence your future.
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Past determining my future
- Thread starter Markness
- Start date
Your worrying about the past is wasting time today. Please try to get on with your life and stop dwelling on the past. You can't change the past but you can control or significantly influence your future.
Only if you aren't learning from the mistakes. What is working? What is not working? What problems have you noticed in yourself in self-inventories? What problems have you fixed? What problems are you working on fixing? What things can you learn that will help? What are your short and long-term goals?
I am short on time currently but I can say this.
What seems to work but only temporarily: Attending Meet Up events or other social events through social apps like Discord.
Being an outsider in what’s supposed to be my culture (Central Texas Christian) has also been extremely difficult. However, even when I used to buy into Christianity, I just couldn’t get excited about church services, American football games, drinking beer, giant trucks, guns, and country music.
That's fair. I don't like any of that, either. (And I drive a big truck.)
@Markness
What's stopping you is a strategic issue.
Tactical suggestions aren't necessarily wrong, but they're not going to directly address the real issue(s).
But that statement implies something that probably isn't the case: that there are no other "outsiders", or none of the other outsiders have achieved the goals that elude you.
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Denial and avoidance are easy and comfortable in the sort term. But they're not good for solving problems.
What's stopping you is a strategic issue.
Tactical suggestions aren't necessarily wrong, but they're not going to directly address the real issue(s).
It's true that being an outsider is often difficult.
But that statement implies something that probably isn't the case: that there are no other "outsiders", or none of the other outsiders have achieved the goals that elude you.
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Denial and avoidance are easy and comfortable in the sort term. But they're not good for solving problems.
Usually when I’ve asked women if they wanted to go out with me, the responses have been “I am too busy.” and “I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.”
Women in the culture I live in also tend to regularly have boyfriends as well as marry early.
This has really stacked the deck against me.
Women in the culture I live in also tend to regularly have boyfriends as well as marry early.
This has really stacked the deck against me.
Both of those sound like unproductive excuses
It's very common for such refusals to include a plausible excuse as a defensive measure against the small minority of men who react badly to a refusal.
If you didn't know that already (or have ignored it when it comes up here), you urgently need to put some time into learning the basics.
Note that imbalances are fairly common (NYC supposedly has more unattached XX than XY, while places that pay well for physical labor are often XY-biased).
But if there's a significant bias in your community, it will be well known locally.
If you want to avoid your past looking like your future, you need to establish better objectives than "I want a GF", identify constraints and requirements, make a plan, and get to work on it.
BTW "past determining future" is more of an excuse than a useful perspective.
The past is a foundation. It influences your future, but doesn't control it.
And in your case you frequently say you want something you don't have, which implies you're hoping that your past doesn't predict your future.
Those are normal "no" answers. They didn't want to date you.
It's very common for such refusals to include a plausible excuse as a defensive measure against the small minority of men who react badly to a refusal.
If you didn't know that already (or have ignored it when it comes up here), you urgently need to put some time into learning the basics.
The M/F split among unattached people in your local environment should be approximately even.
Note that imbalances are fairly common (NYC supposedly has more unattached XX than XY, while places that pay well for physical labor are often XY-biased).
But if there's a significant bias in your community, it will be well known locally.
If you want to avoid your past looking like your future, you need to establish better objectives than "I want a GF", identify constraints and requirements, make a plan, and get to work on it.
BTW "past determining future" is more of an excuse than a useful perspective.
The past is a foundation. It influences your future, but doesn't control it.
And in your case you frequently say you want something you don't have, which implies you're hoping that your past doesn't predict your future.
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“The best revenge is living well.”
“You need to love yourself first.”
“It’ll happen when you least expect it/aren’t looking.”
“As long as your alive, anything is possible.”
“Women settle down in their 30’s.”
Things I’ve been told historically and still get told today. Sadly, my life is still the same.
“You need to love yourself first.”
“It’ll happen when you least expect it/aren’t looking.”
“As long as your alive, anything is possible.”
“Women settle down in their 30’s.”
Things I’ve been told historically and still get told today. Sadly, my life is still the same.
Xinyta
☆Being my weird self~♡
Personal responsibility makes changes, Markness. Words alone do nothing. Just because this advice comes to you. Doesn't mean it'll magically make things instantly better. But seeing the context of this advice, is also important.
These three are advice that come from life experience. The most important thing is loving yourself. If you dislike something about yourself, you'll never gain anything.
You are stuck in this idea that you are endlessly single. Putting energy in this self-deprecating thought is what sabotages you. You are waiting for rejection, before the interactions even begin. And then look at it a unfair circumstance of life kicking you down. When in reality, it's you stopping yourself. I'll not look that way, but that is the reality.
Those other two pieces of advice will not do anything for you, if you are not ready to face reality. That rejection is like mistakes. They happen. They are not the end, and happen often.
Putting a timeline on yourself and considering yourself a failure for not achieving it. That everything is now worse for not achieving it. THAT is what you must over come.
These three are advice that come from life experience. The most important thing is loving yourself. If you dislike something about yourself, you'll never gain anything.
You are stuck in this idea that you are endlessly single. Putting energy in this self-deprecating thought is what sabotages you. You are waiting for rejection, before the interactions even begin. And then look at it a unfair circumstance of life kicking you down. When in reality, it's you stopping yourself. I'll not look that way, but that is the reality.
Those other two pieces of advice will not do anything for you, if you are not ready to face reality. That rejection is like mistakes. They happen. They are not the end, and happen often.
Putting a timeline on yourself and considering yourself a failure for not achieving it. That everything is now worse for not achieving it. THAT is what you must over come.
You've been repeating that idea for years.
Doesn't seem to be a useful thought for you to hold.
But if I let it go, does that mean I have to give up on wanting a relationship?
Not the point.
What I said was that repeating to yourself that time is running out
doesn't seem to be a useful thought for you to hold on to.
In what way does anxiously prodding yourself with the idea that
* time is running out * help you to be your most functional self?
What I said was that repeating to yourself that time is running out
doesn't seem to be a useful thought for you to hold on to.
In what way does anxiously prodding yourself with the idea that
* time is running out * help you to be your most functional self?
Count yourself lucky the ladies have ticking time bomb as they age, use this to your advantage put plan in place.
HI Markness. I know that feeling. I will be 63 in a couple of months and often I have that reflection. I once thought I would have something like a professional life, and have many long term friends that would last for the rest of my life. I made many terrible mistakes, I don't have many close friends, especially from just years ago.
But, in reality, you feel that way now because you don't feel like you are accoplishing anything. I had to make many adjustments to the way I think in order to rectify that. You are not living like it is half of your life ago.
It's best to just do what makes you happy now. Make things for your self. You are not living in this world for other people.
What would you like to do that you think you can still accomplish. Unfortunetly we make a promise to have a rose garden, when we are barely lucky to have a window box, if any at all. Explore around, and don't look for anything. It will present it self.
Deflection, using an obviously fallacious "possible" conclusion.
Despite Yoda's famous "do/do not, there is no try" assertion being equally fallacious (**) it's true enough for the 21st century, in a world that has abandoned logic.
There's actually some truth "adjacent to" Yoda's statement if you look for it: avoidance, denial, deflection, etc are common enough that they can't be criticized any more. But they are not a path to getting results.
@Markness
You know that if you want results you need to work on yourself and you need to be realistic.
That doesn't exclude "venting" here looking for attention.
But looking for validation, despite its widespread popularity, is counter-productive: being told you're right, and that anything that doesn't go according to your wishes justifies your claiming victimhood, isn't going to get you a GF.
(yes I'm aware of the irony. It's amusing ... but try asking the forum if the other 50% of humanity owes you a romantic relationship and see how that works out /lol).
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(**)
For "do/do not" to obey "the law of the excluded middle", there can't be any possibility of failure. i.e. the rule actually says "Don't do anything that has a possibility of failure".
So as stated it's a rule for avoidance /lol.
Since then Hollywood has fully committed to the principle of subjective truth and to hidden messages (remember: in "The Acolyte", the Sith are the good guys /lol).
I like to think that Yoda's paradoxical rejection of truth and logic was the starting point.
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Time is running out for all of us since we are all slowly marching toward an ultimate end. Sorry to be morbid, but yeah, our time here is limited. You could use that thought that "time is running out" to spark motivation to enjoy your life. With or without the things that you want the most, you could still find ways to be a content person.
Acceptance is a good place to start. We don't all get what we want in the time frame we want it no matter how hard we work for it. That doesn't mean we have to choose to be permanently unhappy. Turn you attention to the things that are good and could bring contentment.
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