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Parents don't accept aspergers or any other condition

LiquidPvnk

LiquidPvnk

Active Member
My parents don't think that I have aspergers.
Their reasons are:
- Im 'just gifted'
- All of my aspie traits are just 'gifted quirks'
- A label will hinder you (I agree with this one)
- Everyone struggles socially to an extent
- My dad is likely an undiagnosed aspie who also has the traits. He probably doesn't recognise me as possibly having aspergers because he likely has it himself.

However, my mother bought me "The asperkid's secret guide to social rules" a few years ago, but she said that it was just because of my giftedness that I had those traits.
I have looked at checklists between aspergers and giftedness, and I tend to identify with alot of the aspie traits separate to the gifted ones.
My real AQ is 41, but my mum once pressured me to put the answers that she thought applied to me, not knowing the extent of my struggles, landing me with a fake AQ of 33. Still doesn't believe I have it. Plus, just as a side note, I'm grade-skipped and when they tested me for being grade skipped in year 3, I was 5-6 years ahead of my age in reading and 3 in math.
 
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My parents didn't believe it either back when I was diagnosed. To which I say, fine. They don't need to believe something for it to be true. I know it to be true and while it would be nice to have their support in this, it's not necessary for me to work with my ASD instead of being held back by it. The label has never hindered me in any way either. It's just an explanation of why I am different in some ways, but it's not a big neon sign over my head broadcasting my neurodiversity for all to see.
 
Well if youre parents disagree im afraid it isent mush you can do about it until youre of legal age so to say im afraid.

I can in some ways understand and agree with youre parents on the label of ASD will be a hinder. BUT if YOU feel that things are to difficult in life in general i would again try to talk to them and if they dont listen the school Counselor . If on the other hand things are in balance id say wait until you get older.

In my case since i was alredy diagnosed at 4 with MBD = Minimal brain damage (later renamed as ADHD beginning of the 80 `s ) my mom had NO problems in accepting i was different regardless the diagnosis
 
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In some ways what they are doing is a positive thing and in some ways, a negative thing.

The positive thing is that they are not labelling you, they are encouraging you to go beyond any perceived limitations to the best of your ability. Sometimes people fall back on the diagnosis and don't try to do things because they think they won't be able to. So your parents are giving you the gift of being able to do anything you want by wording your quirks in a highly positive way. So in that sense they are exhibiting good parenting skills, it makes me think of parents who have children with severe disability (like missing limbs or other health conditions) who encourage and nurture them and make them feel 'normal' even when the world doesn't perceive them that way.

The negative of course, is denying you the ability to say who you are and being able to justify and base your personal quirks/limitations in a valid/proven way. So while your mother seems supportive and recognises that you may have issues in certain areas (giving you the book), I guess you need the validation of the words that she accepts you the way you are, that she accepts your 'label' and understands what it means for you. I think they just don't want you to get into a negative mindset - what they don't yet understand that there is nothing wrong with having Aspergers. There should be no negative connotation and maybe in time they will see that, but that will change as society changes.

I hope what I said made sense, I'm not always the best at explaining things. :)
 
Little by little, all of my family was made aware that I was on the autism spectrum with the exception of my father.

I wasn't sure how he would take it until the holiday season when he said something that struck home with me, which later that day gave me the opportunity to open up to him.

He took it very well, something I hadn't expected because he generally doesn't believe in stuff of this nature.
Next I announced that one brother was as well.

Then I hit him with the bombshell that he was most likely as well.
He was very open about it and still is.

I wish you the best of luck with getting your folks to move forward with an assessment if you desire one and I truly hope that they get onboard once a professional opinion has been put in place.
I do agree that in some circles, a new ASD label could have a negative effect, but if you require accommodations or assistance, sometimes it is unavoidable.

(I was 58 when I told my 77 year old Dad, so anything is possible) ;)
 
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My own parents are very aware and accepting of my being aspie. My diagnosis was something of a huge relief to them, because after so many years of questions we finally had answers.
 
LiquidPvnk said:
My real AQ is 41, but my mum once pressured me to put the answers that she thought applied to me, not knowing the extent of my struggles, landing me with a fake AQ of 33. Still doesn't believe I have it.
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The "cutoff" for that test is in the 20s. Getting a score of 33 indicates that you should be getting assessed. My father prevented me from being assessed as a child because I'd inherited the traits my mother noticed from him. Everyone I've met on his side and his father's side of the family has them to varying degrees so he was offended that behavior that is very natural for us was being pathologized.

Not getting diagnosed means you cannot ask to be accommodated. If there's a difference in your written versus spoken speech you'll be taken for someone that didn't do the background research during presentations in college. If you tend to break down when you've had too much contact with people you'll be made to keep interacting at work until you can't do your job anymore. Requesting a stable work schedule will be taken as selfishness. If you miscommunicate and upset the wrong person it will be assumed that you were intentionally nasty and possibly cost you your job with no recourse. (I know someone this happened to, and they were one of the most skilled people there when we worked together.) If you seem aloof and no one knows why people will assume you dislike them, don't want to network or care about being promoted. It's also an excuse to never give you a pay raise. What I'm saying is that if you struggle with these things, not having a diagnosis is a career hindrance. You'll have to judge for yourself whether this applies, but I do want to remind you that it's difficult to get an assessment as an adult.
 
Same for my parents.

But if you agree a label will hinder you, what's the problem? You'd like to be hindered?
 
Being aware is the most important part of this dilemma. You are aware, so you are ahead of the game. I'm happy when parents show support for their kids, but we all know that parents can be an obstacle to dealing with certain kids' issues in a healthy way. I have no doubt that you are going to thrive. Being gifted is a special prize. Learn to understand these gifts and apply them to your life.

I will agree that you should investigate these social quirks (ref: the book). It's like learning a foreign language or foreign customs. I think that most everyone on the spectrum would have enjoyed side-stepping the social awkwardness that is so common among us, especially when we were children. We knew we were doing things the wrong way, but nobody showed us the right way. Your mother seems to understand the social difficulties, so you might have an ally, a coach.

This site is a good one for anyone dealing with any aspect of ASD. I've learned a lot here. Keep coming back and keep yourself involved.
 
l struggle as a parent with this. My daughter would watch The Wizard of Oz twenty- times in one day, and myself, l couldn't see anything wrong with it. She spend hours as a kid, writing Super Kitty, a cat with special powers, l didn't see anything wrong with that. We spent 4 hours making her birthday cake for her 17th birthday, we both didn't see anything wrong with that, l think you get the idea. l put her in performing arts high school, which really had a lot of awkward teenagers, so she wasn't alone in awkwardness, so she wasn't labeled. l am okay with this, but others at this forum may disagree with me, and that's okay.
 
H-Kath said:
The "cutoff" for that test is in the 20s. Getting a score of 33 indicates that you should be getting assessed. My father prevented me from being assessed as a child because I'd inherited the traits my mother noticed from him. Everyone I've met on his side and his father's side of the family has them to varying degrees so he was offended that behavior that is very natural for us was being pathologized.

Not getting diagnosed means you cannot ask to be accommodated. If there's a difference in your written versus spoken speech you'll be taken for someone that didn't do the background research during presentations in college. If you tend to break down when you've had too much contact with people you'll be made to keep interacting at work until you can't do your job anymore. Requesting a stable work schedule will be taken as selfishness. If you miscommunicate and upset the wrong person it will be assumed that you were intentionally nasty and possibly cost you your job with no recourse. (I know someone this happened to, and they were one of the most skilled people there when we worked together.) If you seem aloof and no one knows why people will assume you dislike them, don't want to network or care about being promoted. It's also an excuse to never give you a pay raise. What I'm saying is that if you struggle with these things, not having a diagnosis is a career hindrance. You'll have to judge for yourself whether this applies, but I do want to remind you that it's difficult to get an assessment as an adult.
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Just about all of these things have happened to me and more, (which also contributed to a mental breakdown) and I had to drop out of graduate school because of it. I have an above average IQ and was diagnosed with high functioning autism Level 1. Before I was following a passion but now I'm just trying to find my way into a career path that best fits my physical/social needs and sensitivities as an aspie so I can support myself. Working from home in some way would be ideal. Do you have suggestions for careers for aspies? That's an entirely new discussion probably....
 
It sucks having parents who refuse to accept the truth, as that probably feels very disrespectful. For what it's worth, their denial probably stems from their own fears and insecurities. The label thing is BS, you don't have to tell the world your diagnosis, and insisting everything's because you're gifted and forcing you to change answers reeks of avoidance. Your mom at least probably knows you're right, as demonstrated by the book. But admitting it means having to face it, and they don't sound like they're ready to do that.
 
SolarPoweredNightOwl said:
It sucks having parents who refuse to accept the truth, as that probably feels very disrespectful. For what it's worth, their denial probably stems from their own fears and insecurities. The label thing is BS, you don't have to tell the world your diagnosis, and insisting everything's because you're gifted and forcing you to change answers reeks of avoidance. Your mom at least probably knows you're right, as demonstrated by the book. But admitting it means having to face it, and they don't sound like they're ready to do that.
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The gifted thing is actually true though, but I have more aspie traits than your standard gifted NT. They just don't seem to get that...
 
LiquidPvnk said:
...than your standard gifted NT...
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"Standard gifted" is an oxymoron, but I know what you mean...
full
 
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