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Odd Stimming

I replaced rocking on all fours with lying on my back and rocking my leg left to right, which I still do now. Do you do that one?

I think I've done it in the past, but it's not a regular one for me.

As a general rule though I can't sit still. Even if I'm not bouncing my legs up and down under the desk at work, I can't maintain any position for longer than a few seconds before I'm moving something.

Stimming definitely increased when I paired it with listening to music. As a for instance I waited 7 days after my tooth extraction before I had a smoke last night. I expected it to initially amp up the pain as I know that's how my body tends to react to a smoke. I had all the lights off and was listening to music whilst swaying in the dark - ended up doing this over 4 hours.

Sure enough; shortly after the smoke, it did cause the pain to increase at first. I had a very strong visualisation of the shape and depth of the extraction site. It was uncanny how detailed this was. I actually felt something I'd never felt before, and whilst it hurt and was initially quite intense - it was a mesmerising experience.

But I felt the anxiety taking hold, which in turn caused more pain. So I remembered to take a step back in my mind. All of a sudden I had an epiphany, and remembered something rather profound that I read about in a CPTSD book about past trauma in childhood and how in a way, that inner child is still there and reacting to things in a fearful and confused way.

When I thought about the tooth pain I realised that the healing of the extraction had been text book. I'd checked a couple of times each day and the wound was closing up etc. Even though I'd worried about smoking again, I had read a lot of articles, and whilst timelines differed with some saying wait 3 days, others 5 and some 7 - I was smoking on day 7, so risk was minimal.

The pain was from fear - scared of complications, scared of having a dry socket and scared that smoking a J would make the pain flare up.

So I recalled an exercise from that book where it said to visualise the present, adult self approaching that inner child self, to give it strength and reassurance etc. When I first read that book and tried this, I burst into tears almost as soon as I visualised it. This time however, I decided to delve into my mind further and recall moments which had traumatised me. I allowed them to replay, but with a visualisation of me as an adult stood watching and then intervening at the moment when the trauma had been too much.

As a kid I was renowned as a "cry baby" because when things became too much, and especially when other kids were mocking or ganging up on me - I felt like I was emotionally overwhelmed and caught in a moment of Fight or Flight. I guess I chose freeze? Because I wouldn't stand up for myself, I'd just be on the receiving end of all this negative energy and when it peaked, I'd just burst into tears because I couldn't process what was happening to me.

So I visualised a few events from the past, and with adult me stood there interjecting in the situations, but also then reassuring myself - it felt very healing. In fact it filled me with a sense of confidence and joy. I thought to myself that I feel like I desire so much now, as an adult - always finding fault with what I haven't achieved. But how would I look to the child version of me? This 6'4" guy with piercings, tattoos and carrying a big fire stick. You know what? I felt true acceptance in that moment. I knew that I am who I am now because of all these past experiences. They have shaped me, and I needn't be any more, or any less than I am right at this moment.

I then went on all sorts of visual adventures after that. All in all I had an incredible evening. It's something I can never understand - how people can be bored so often. Simply delving into your imagination provides endless possibilities.

Heck, I enjoyed last night so much, I think I'll do the same again tonight. It sure beats staring at a screen all evening.

I had read your reply before I went to bed and I did ponder why I stim so much. It definitely increased when I started to explore and collect music. But also I found it increased when I stopped playing with toys etc and grew older.

Then as I became an adult and started to work I found I retreated further into gaming, also my cannabis use began shortly after starting the rat race. Working jobs I hated etc. Needed to ground myself after stressful days and I found cannabis did the trick. As did music, rocking from side to side and playing video games.

That was it really - it stuck after that. When I got my first gaming PC was not long after starting my first job too. At first I sat at a desk, but then when I started using my PC for music and got my first 2.1 system (subwoofers for bass heavy music was a revelation) I started to sit on the floor and sway. I soon realised a PC monitor up on a desk made it a little hard on my neck to stare up at the screen and try and focus on what was probably a 20 or 22" CRT initially.

Eventually I reached a point where I perfected my setup and had the PC monitor on a coffee table and it was the perfect height for me. Plus PC monitors got larger, and I found being on a bigger display was great.

So I guess it was a gradual build up. A need to calm down after stressful days. Also, I used to smoke weed in my bedroom. Weed + gaming marry up so well together. Just in general I find weed enhances things - how I think, my introspection, my appreciation for food, gaming, music, film and such like. So I guess I had my own little world in my bedroom. On the flip side - weed will amplify depression, anxiety, fear and pains if I allow it to. I can very easily go down the rabbit hole, and as with last night I have to take a step back and reassess where I'm allowing my thoughts to go. Otherwise I end up in freefall and anxiety can escalate to the point of panic.

That is why I was so shocked and unsettled by having my first 2 panic attacks in my room. What I considered to be my safe haven. It took years to realise that the stress of the rat race, turbulent relationships and childhood traumas had built up the stress over time. Eventually leading to a point where a stressed mind led to a stressed body - and I began having panic attacks and then the 24/7 aches and pains which began in 2012.

Ed
 
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I think I've done it in the past, but it's not a regular one for me.

As a general rule though I can't sit still. Even if I'm not bouncing my legs up and down under the desk at work, I can't maintain any position for longer than a few seconds before I'm moving something.

Stimming definitely increased when I paired it with listening to music. As a for instance I waited 7 days after my tooth extraction before I had a smoke last night. I expected it to initially amp up the pain as I know that's how my body tends to react to a smoke. I had all the lights off and was listening to music whilst swaying in the dark - ended up doing this over 4 hours.

Sure enough; shortly after the smoke, it did cause the pain to increase at first. I had a very strong visualisation of the shape and depth of the extraction site. It was uncanny how detailed this was. I actually felt something I'd never felt before, and whilst it hurt and was initially quite intense - it was a mesmerising experience.

But I felt the anxiety taking hold, which in turn caused more pain. So I remembered to take a step back in my mind. All of a sudden I had an epiphany, and remembered something rather profound that I read about in a CPTSD book about past trauma in childhood and how in a way, that inner child is still there and reacting to things in a fearful and confused way.

When I thought about the tooth pain I realised that the healing of the extraction had been text book. I'd checked a couple of times each day and the wound was closing up etc. Even though I'd worried about smoking again, I had read a lot of articles, and whilst timelines differed with some saying wait 3 days, others 5 and some 7 - I was smoking on day 7, so risk was minimal.

The pain was from fear - scared of complications, scared of having a dry socket and scared that smoking a J would make the pain flare up.

So I recalled an exercise from that book where it said to visualise the present, adult self approaching that inner child self, to give it strength and reassurance etc. When I first read that book and tried this, I burst into tears almost as soon as I visualised it. This time however, I decided to delve into my mind further and recall moments which had traumatised me. I allowed them to replay, but with a visualisation of me as an adult stood watching and then intervening at the moment when the trauma had been too much.

As a kid I was renowned as a "cry baby" because when things became too much, and especially when other kids were mocking or ganging up on me - I felt like I was emotionally overwhelmed and caught in a moment of Fight or Flight. I guess I chose freeze? Because I wouldn't stand up for myself, I'd just be on the receiving end of all this negative energy and when it peaked, I'd just burst into tears because I couldn't process what was happening to me.

So I visualised a few events from the past, and with adult me stood there interjecting in the situations, but also then reassuring myself - it felt very healing. In fact it filled me with a sense of confidence and joy. I thought to myself that I feel like I desire so much now, as an adult - always finding fault with what I haven't achieved. But how would I look to the child version of me? This 6'4" guy with piercings, tattoos and carrying a big fire stick. You know what? I felt true acceptance in that moment. I knew that I am who I am now because of all these past experiences. They have shaped me, and I needn't be any more, or any less than I am right at this moment.

I then went on all sorts of visual adventures after that. All in all I had an incredible evening. It's something I can never understand - how people can be bored so often. Simply delving into your imagination provides endless possibilities.

Heck, I enjoyed last night so much, I think I'll do the same again tonight. It sure beats staring at a screen all evening.

I had read your reply before I went to bed and I did ponder why I stim so much. It definitely increased when I started to explore and collect music. But also I found it increased when I stopped playing with toys etc and grew older.

Then as I became an adult and started to work I found I retreated further into gaming, also my cannabis use began shortly after starting the rat race. Working jobs I hated etc. Needed to ground myself after stressful days and I found cannabis did the trick. As did music, rocking from side to side and playing video games.

That was it really - it stuck after that. When I got my first gaming PC was not long after starting my first job too. At first I sat at a desk, but then when I started using my PC for music and got my first 2.1 system (subwoofers for bass heavy music was a revelation) I started to sit on the floor and sway. I soon realised a PC monitor up on a desk made it a little hard on my neck to stare up at the screen and try and focus on what was probably a 20 or 22" CRT initially.

Eventually I reached a point where I perfected my setup and had the PC monitor on a coffee table and it was the perfect height for me. Plus PC monitors got larger, and I found being on a bigger display was great.

So I guess it was a gradual build up. A need to calm down after stressful days. Also, I used to smoke weed in my bedroom. Weed + gaming marry up so well together. Just in general I find weed enhances things - how I think, my introspection, my appreciation for food, gaming, music, film and such like. So I guess I had my own little world in my bedroom. On the flip side - weed will amplify depression, anxiety, fear and pains if I allow it to. I can very easily go down the rabbit hole, and as with last night I have to take a step back and reassess where I'm allowing my thoughts to go. Otherwise I end up in freefall and anxiety can escalate to the point of panic.

That is why I was so shocked and unsettled by having my first 2 panic attacks in my room. What I considered to be my safe haven. It took years to realise that the stress of the rat race, turbulent relationships and childhood traumas had built up the stress over time. Eventually leading to a point where a stressed mind led to a stressed body - and I began having panic attacks and then the 24/7 aches and pains which began in 2012.

Ed

So reading all of that, I’m wondering if your excessive rocking is the result of a tremendous amount of pent-up anxiety and psychological issues from everything you’ve gone through in your life. The amount I rock is definitely tied to my emotional state, like when I’m really happy or really sad or anxious. Is this the same for you? I’m so sorry about your childhood. That made me really sad to read. I swear, sometimes I think people are born sociopaths. Kids are awful!
 
You know what is a very pleasurable stim?

I don't even realize I'm doing it, but as I'm reading things online, I like to trace my middle finger in a path around the cracks between the arrow keys on my computer, making up mazes where I have to encircle every key without crossing the same path twice.

So, something like this. Notice I started at the bottom of the left arrow key and worked my way around. This is one example. But every time I do it, I try to trace a different maze path than before.

upload_2021-10-29_20-56-5.jpeg
 

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