OCD & relationships & uncertainty intolerance & neediness & cold approach

[help_if_you_like]

My biggest problem is the fact that I'm scared of not finding a girlfriend again. I met with a woman when I was 21 and she was 31. It lasted for 1,5 years.

After that I tried finding a girlfriend but couldn't manage it somehow. I'm 25 now and incredibly needy. There're "what if" thoughts on my mind all the time. "What if she doesn't reply to my text? What if we go on a date but then she doesn't want to see me again? What if she misunderstands me kissing her on the cheek?" etc.

And probably because of these thoughts I've scared women that I've met away. I kept texting them to get guarantee that if we're gonna certainly meet or to understand that if they're still interested, etc.

I just need a guarantee that I'm gonna find a girlfriend. I know that life doesn't give guarantees but I just can't live that way. I also need to know that I'm not cursed or I don't have unluck in my life. I'm scared of being alone forever or finding someone only when I got old.

I also don't have a social circle. I have some friends but that's all. I generally try to meet women via cold approach. I know that this method isn't that effective but I've met with all women until now via cold approach. I just want that to work one more time. And I try to do that with respect and without being a creep.

Also, therapy (CBT) didn't work at all. Even though I've used around 15 meds and none of them worked properly, my current psychiatrist said that I should be using meds for some time - maybe forever. He also said that I have resistant OCD (I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 12 or 13 due to religious obsessions). Moreover, one psychiatrist I used to see diagnosed me with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Do you have any thoughts/advice for me?

Thanks a lot.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

Autism and OCD can occur together. In fact, this is actually somewhat common.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Rodafina]

Welcome to the forum, @help_if_you_like.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having these difficult feelings. What you describe is a common problem discussed here on the forums. Hopefully, some of those discussions can help you.

I'm curious what exactly you mean by a "cold approach." What does that look like for you?

My recommendation would be to avoid kissing anyone, even on the cheek, if there is any chance at all that it could be misunderstood. If you don't know, you could be explicit and say, "I want to kiss you on the cheek, is that okay?"

 

[help_if_you_like]

Autism and OCD can occur together. In fact, this is actually somewhat common.

Welcome to the forum!

Thank you.

 

[help_if_you_like]

Welcome to the forum, @help_if_you_like.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having these difficult feelings. What you describe is a common problem discussed here on the forums. Hopefully, some of those discussions can help you.

I'm curious what exactly you mean by a "cold approach." What does that look like for you?

My recommendation would be to avoid kissing anyone, even on the cheek, if there is any chance at all that it could be misunderstood. If you don't know, you could be explicit and say, "I want to kiss you on the cheek, is that okay?"

Cold approach means approaching a stranger (usually female) and asking them on a date.

I approach a woman and say that she looks cool/nice. If she gives good reaction, I introduce myself, offer to walk with her for 2-3 minutes and at the end I ask for her number.

 

[Rodafina]

Cold approach means approaching a stranger (usually female) and asking them on a date.

I approach a woman and say that she looks cool/nice. If she gives good reaction, I introduce myself, offer to walk with her for 2-3 minutes and at the end I ask for her number.

Thanks for clarifying.

Have you ever tried participating in group activities based on interests (walking club, gaming group, sports league etc.)? What about volunteering?

These things can be good for finding friendship as well as giving you fun and meaningful things to do. Of course it's not guaranteed, but it could also lead to meeting potential partners in a natural way.

 

[help_if_you_like]

Thanks for clarifying.

Have you ever tried participating in group activities based on interests (walking club, gaming group, sports league etc.)? What about volunteering?

These things can be good for finding friendship as well as giving you fun and meaningful things to do. Of course it's not guaranteed, but it could also lead to meeting potential partners in a natural way.

I've thought about joining some hobby groups but things would be more slower in those groups, I think. Besides, I don't know how to flirt with women there. In cold approaching I can directly state my intent. I wouldn't be able to do that in the groups.

 

[Kitsuna]

Regular CBT on its own doesn’t necessarily work on OCD because you can’t rationalize yourself out of it.

I would look into ERP therapy. It’s the most recommended treatment.

Also, is one of the medication you’ve tried Lexapro? I was on it for regular anxiety at first, but once I figured out I had OCD, I asked my doctor to up it to 20 mg and it’s helped a lot since.

 

[help_if_you_like]

Regular CBT on its own doesn’t necessarily work on OCD because you can’t rationalize yourself out of it.

I would look into ERP therapy. It’s the most recommended treatment.

Also, is one of the medication you’ve tried Lexapro? I was on it for regular anxiety at first, but once I figured out I had OCD, I asked my doctor to up it to 20 mg and it’s helped a lot since.

I'm on it with 20 mg right now.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I would agree that joining a group where people have similar interests and forming friendships initially would probably be better than "cold approach". As a woman, I ain't going anywhere with some random stranger that walks up and asks me out. Also, I know my opinion in this next part is not mainstream,but personally I think that a well founded friendship is vital before beginning to date someone.

 

[Kitsuna]

I agree with Faye, personally when it comes to being asked out by a guy I don’t know. Yes, I’m sure some women might find that attractive and I find the situation flattering, but I’ve been through that, and I politely turned the guys down.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I'm actually surprised that so many of the other women on here agreed with me.

 

[gigi1919]

My biggest problem is the fact that I'm scared of not finding a girlfriend again. I met with a woman when I was 21 and she was 31. It lasted for 1,5 years.

After that I tried finding a girlfriend but couldn't manage it somehow. I'm 25 now and incredibly needy. There're "what if" thoughts on my mind all the time. "What if she doesn't reply to my text? What if we go on a date but then she doesn't want to see me again? What if she misunderstands me kissing her on the cheek?" etc.

And probably because of these thoughts I've scared women that I've met away. I kept texting them to get guarantee that if we're gonna certainly meet or to understand that if they're still interested, etc.

I just need a guarantee that I'm gonna find a girlfriend. I know that life doesn't give guarantees but I just can't live that way. I also need to know that I'm not cursed or I don't have unluck in my life. I'm scared of being alone forever or finding someone only when I got old.

I also don't have a social circle. I have some friends but that's all. I generally try to meet women via cold approach. I know that this method isn't that effective but I've met with all women until now via cold approach. I just want that to work one more time. And I try to do that with respect and without being a creep.

Also, therapy (CBT) didn't work at all. Even though I've used around 15 meds and none of them worked properly, my current psychiatrist said that I should be using meds for some time - maybe forever. He also said that I have resistant OCD (I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 12 or 13 due to religious obsessions). Moreover, one psychiatrist I used to see diagnosed me with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Do you have any thoughts/advice for me?

Thanks a lot.

I'm no specialists but with regards to cbt it's not a good path for autistic folks. Those who advocate for us even see it as abusive which I agree. No one can ask of us to behave by normative standards without sacrificing who we are.

I don't think anyone can even guarantee anything in life unfortunately. But you are young so there are quite good chances you might meet a girlfriend.
I guess it's more about increasing the odds rather than seeking guarantee.

Things like going to places where you might meet similar women with similar interest or predisposition, etc.

Like others said here, a woman needs to feel safe and comfortable. And some earlier conversations that are about things that interest you might be better to get aquanted before being direct.
I, for one am very not trusting and would never go on a date with a stranger. Not these days. When I was young and naive I did. But not anymore.

This is just what logic and experience tells me. But I never want to have another partner.

 

[Kayla55]

And probably because of these thoughts I've scared women that I've met away. I kept texting them to get guarantee that if we're gonna certainly meet or to understand that if they're still interested, etc.

I also don't have a social circle. I have some friends but that's all. I generally try to meet women via cold approach. I know that this method isn't that effective but I've met with all women until now via cold approach. I just want that to work one more time. And I try to do that with respect and without being a creep.

Do you have any thoughts/advice for me?

If you thinking about her, don't text. Send flowers, candy, obviously note has your name ND number! Wait for reaction
Don't send clinggy messages, try using AI to generate a poem or something. Many women would like this as too many selfish men who don't take time to stop acting like playas.

Circle of friends is sort of invite into your life, a move to test compatibility and showcase your personality. I was workaholic, probably still am, but knew many people, was always one of few who's asked for their opinion. If you dating outside spectrum it's possibly going to ' alert ' her to compatibility issues.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I never was one to date a stranger, even as a teenager. Of course, that could be why I never have dated unless daydream dates (most of which are with fictional characters count).
As for the AI poem, I personally would be disappointed and become at least low key distrustful of anything the guy told me if I found out that AI was writing his poems instead of himself.

 

[Kayla55]

I never was one to date a stranger, even as a teenager. Of course, that could be why I never have dated unless daydream dates (most of which are with fictional characters count).
As for the AI poem, I personally would be disappointed and become at least low key distrustful of anything the guy told me if I found out that AI was writing his poems instead of himself.

I mean AI assistance in saying stuff like I really had good time, let's do it again. Obviously the content needs to be in line with his interests, change some wording to personalise it. I had no communication skills when younger, I didn't know how to communicate confident message. It's not that it's not what I mean due to AI, it's using ai to help me to say the things I couldn't.
Some guys think buying jewellery is a definately way into the bed, it's not always personalised so AI may have more effort if he uses it as framework not just copying it word for word.

I think huge gap in dating for guys who want to commit and spoil a girl.

 

[Kayla55]

https://www.theknot.com/content/relationship-quotes

Just for ideas, search for more articles like this. Think in terms of communication error ND this is terminology on subject of love but you're not sure what to say.
Try be genuine, close to yourself ND heart

According to Greene, Casanova is historically considered the most successful seducer. He made himself irresistible to women by giving them what seemed missing in their lives. He used careful observation to determine a woman's needs and presented himself as the epitome of what she desired.

But when she realised Casanova had played her.... But I don't think help-if-you-like is that skilled so maybe he just needs chance.

Sounds like me reminding my son to change his top, but ye, buy some nice new clothes, style your hair, nice Deo (deodorant) maybe see what others your age are wearing.
(Makes a huge difference)

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

@Kayla55 Yeah, someone that is nonverbal or has a severe speech impediment using technology to communicate is different. I was thinking more of someone using it to pretend they were some great poet or something in order to impress and then later it coming out that they had been faking the whole time when I responded to the previous post.

 

[Kayla55]

@Kayla55 Yeah, someone that is nonverbal or has a severe speech impediment using technology to communicate is different. I was thinking more of someone using it to pretend they were some great poet or something in order to impress and then later it coming out that they had been faking the whole time when I responded to the previous post.

I had to drop few issues to get along in life. Realising he's with someone else and says same things, goes to same places...
Get over it! It's harsh but truth is not every relationship is that unique, it's also how two people blend together, get along, laugh!
I don't mean speech impediment I mean autism is hard to discuss feelings, battle with words.... It took me a while to get the lingo.
So unless necklace is really hideous and unwearable I'm not so difficult, most of my jewellery had to be commercialised, produce more of what sells (I hate it) and more personalised pieces are in my personal collection.
Getting past first impressions, creating impression ND get dating..... Once we know person a little better it's easier to say things from bottom of our heart, to get feel for what shared interests are. To avoid getting lonely in a rut we need bit of inspiration as if getting a foot through the door with cv
Just don't ever believe a musician, because chances that he wrote song just for you, is unlikely unless got married in the end - we live in commercial world where most girls wear same fashion yet pretenses that their relationship is one of a kind as opposed to how often do we meet soul mate vs he's the one!!