NT’s and false promises?

[Frostee]

I empathize with you, and have, virtually, no tolerance for lack of respect, particularly when it comes to friends/friendships, or relationships of any kind. As the result of the way I have been treated by some people, I refuse to ever, again, invest myself in anyone who doesn't have the same level of respect and regard for me, that I would have for them, or, anyone for that matter.

I agree, this is why I have decided in my head that I won’t be bothering to iniate anything with this person again.

The problem though, is that it’s quite hard to get people who commit to their commitments.

I have been isolated at this University, because I have had so many acquaintances who just weren’t committed to the relationship as I was.

This happens time and time again for me.

 

[Frostee]

They set an exact time and place and then were just silent?? That's super weird to me, I don't think I've experienced that.

I wouldn't call them "promises" though, unless they said they promise.

Weird coincidence, someone just now messaged me an example of what might be a good idea for you. A while ago, three of us planned to go to a concert and about a week ago one of them messaged us to make sure we got tickets and just now he messaged us, "You guys ready for tomorrow!"

Or maybe you can think of a question to ask, so instead of directly reminding them, reminding them with the question. For example, if it were a restaurant with multiple locations, you can text the day of, "Hey, we're going to the one on XXXX street, right?"

I don’t want to message this person again because I already changed the date and he was supposed to pick up my coursework results and didn’t. So i’m just going to take that as a no.

Just don’t know why you would say yes to going out if you weren’t going to. If you are a decent person you should at least say, “no I am not going out today, sorry”. But that seems to be a big ask from some people.

Yet I find this happening with Aspies over and over again - people who should know not to do this from experience!

I don’t know why people can’t just be decent people?

 

[Fino]

I don’t want to message this person again because I already changed the date and he was supposed to pick up my coursework results and didn’t. So i’m just going to take that as a no.

Just don’t know why you would say yes to going out if you weren’t going to. If you are a decent person you should at least say, “no I am not going out today, sorry”. But that seems to be a big ask from some people.

Yet I find this happening with Aspies over and over again - people who should know not to do this from experience!

I don’t know why people can’t just be decent people?

Oh no, I don't mean to message this person, I mean for future reference, strategies with other people.

But I didn't realize this person is autistic! He probably figured that if he didn't mention it and you didn't mention it then it doesn't have to happen and he's off the hook and that you probably forgot anyway.

Or did you message him and he didn't answer?

If you didn't message him either, then, from his perspective, didn't you do what you're saying he did? Silence the day of plans? If neither of you said anything then it seems like mutual cancellation.

I've had a lot of times when I hoped they just didn't mention it again and then we could pretend it was never planned, but that was years ago when I was silly enough to plan things in the first place.

 

[Frostee]

The reason why I didn't contact him, was because the last time I contacted him he said that he was busy revising and wasn't interested in talking. He also didn't go down and collect my coursework results, despite saying he would do. So, right now he's not giving off the vibe that he wants to go out - to me anyway.

I'm interested to see what he does tomorrow? Just to see where he stands with me.

 

[Fino]

Has he ever followed through with plans and gone out with you?

 

[Frostee]

Oh yes,we've gone out many times over the past few months. We even went to London for a day.

 

[Fino]

Oh okay, then it sounds like he probably just doesn't have a desire to socialize quite as frequently as you do.

Misery, on this forum, recently talked about how often he cancels plans, not out of dislike for the person or plans, but for other reasons. Perhaps something similar is the case for this person.

And yours and his behavior were identical in this particular instance, so this one isn't even an example of it. Maybe he's on wrongplanet with an identical thread of his own!

 

[Frostee]

I know he has an account on Reddit, which he has used in the past to talk about struggling to socialise. So, sorta confusing that he would be shutting me off.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

all 9 couldn't make it? well, I guess, at least they let you know.

They are good people unlike my old church where they would cancel events all the time and not even notify you.

The leader even personally messaged me apologize for postpone to next Wednesday.

 

[Fino]

I know he has an account on Reddit, which he has used in the past to talk about struggling to socialise. So, sorta confusing that he would be shutting me off.

That seems like it would make it less confusing. Sounds like he's shutting you off due to reasons such as anxiety.

 

[Frostee]

Dunno, just confused. As I say, he doesn't behave in a way a 'friend' would at the moment. So i'm just letting him do his thing and will see if he contacts me.

Stressing about it though, would prefer to know what's going on.

 

[Progster]

Sometimes people cancel arrangements due to mental health issues like depression or anxiety. Or it could be illness or something crops up or an emergency and they need to deal with that first. Or they encounter circumstances under which they are able to communicate, their phone battery runs out or something. It might not be the case of Frostee's friend, but it can happen - the unanounced cancellation may be out of their hands and not their fault. In my experience, about 1 in 5 will be genuinely unavoidable and not their fault.

 

[Monachopia]

Ah, if he is a fellow ASD individual, well, we learn these behaviours from NTs too. And as others have said - mental health could be a reason. He's mentioned he struggles to socialise, so even if the opportunity presents itself, maybe it gets too much and anxiety takes over and he goes silent.

I know from personal experience, I've made plans with people before and then just bail, even saying "Sorry I can't make it" sends me into a panic attack, so I might not say anything at all - UNLESS the person will actually go to the place 100%, so I would at least spare them the trip.

I'm not making excuses for your acquaintance Frostee, but, don't underestimate mental health issues. Social anxiety is awful and even if someone wants to socialise and makes plans, often they can't physically make themselves do it.

 

[Gracey]

Maybe getting overwhelmed? Worrying about meeting up? Getting anxious?

Alternatively, forgotten? Has other things come up he has to deal with?

The above is all speculation and you're never really going to have your answer until you ask him.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I had an autistic friend who did this all the time, it drove me mad and I had to withdraw from the friendship because of it. Never had an NT friend do the same.

 

[Propianotuner]

Yet according to several people i’ve talked to, it’s normal for NT’s to say they’re going to do something, fully knowing that they’re not going to do it at the time? So why commit to something if you know your not going to fulfill the promise? Nobody has asked you to make that promise so why lie?

Either it's a manipulation tactic or depending on the scenario they may be saying one thing and meaning another.

However, "NT's and false promises", and the premise of the thread in general, may be a harsh and unrealistic way to look at it. I say that not to be overly critical towards the OP but because it's worth pointing out that NT's hardly corner the market when it comes to this and often from their perspective it isn't all that egregious.

Infuriates me so much! Makes me feel so gullible and naive for taking them at their word. Why can people not just say “sorry.. won’t be going to.. today” it just beyond disrespectful to do this.

If you interpret it as people exploiting your gullibility and them disrespecting you then sure, you're going to feel gullible and disrespected. But this isn't the only way to interpret such behavior. Perhaps it's more helpful for our sake and theirs to think of it as insensitive behavior and try to brush it off, or be assertive yet not confrontational about bringing it up if it is enough of a problem.

 

[DuckRabbit]

Aspergers are generally not socially desirable so perhaps 'social fickleness' befalls Aspergers with a greater than usual frequency? It takes a more enlightened consciousness to see beyond the lack of social glitter to the valuable qualities beneath - reliability, honesty, trustworthiness, wit, irony, subtlety, empathy, guilelessness, unconventional ways of seeing things etc. Many people get one whiff of the Asperger's lack of social-political hardwiring and are repelled at worst, chagrined at best, and they proceed to treat Aspergers as sub-human/ alien/ 'not one of us'. With such a history of being socially stood-up and dismissed, Aspergers are often grateful for the the smallest crumbs of tolerance. This ethic of gratitude alienates Aspergers further from the herd, who have no cause to feel appreciation; they take for granted their belonging, and the validity of their thoughts and feelings, with an arrogance that is so unconscious and unaware, it's breath-taking. Wouldn't you rather be in the 'aware' camp than in the 'oblivious' camp - painful as it is? After all, there can be no increase of consciousness without pain, suffering, death.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

Flakes happen.

Simply don't deal with such people.

 

[Frostee]

Lol he just contacted me to meet up today! Unfortunately though i’m wrecked from travelling 12 hours - my plane got in an hour late so I had to take a bus 3 hours later. I didn't get in until 4am.

What should I say to him, that's not going to make me look bad? Baring in mind I have already postponed?

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Oh, I HATE it when people do this! They say "I'm gonna in a minute." Hours pass. Or it's "I'll be back." They never come back. liars...