NT Wife, and Need Help to Save Marriage

[jademermaid]

Hello Everyone,
It took me over two weeks to get up the courage to join a forum and reach out for help. I have been married a year and a half to a man with Aspergers, and I am finding myself at a point where I question if I can/want to make our marriage work. When I met him he seemed outgoing, funny, and interesting. Now that we have been together longer, I am finding that he is actually: quiet, shy, has poor self-esteem, a know-it-all (even when he is wrong), obsessed with our mutual interest to the point that I now feel as if we don't even have it in common on the same level, and has been going online talking to ANYONE available to discuss his interests 24/7 (including other women he finds attractive). I feel like we don't really have anything in common anymore, and they his issues require so much paitience and cause so much stress that I may not be able to make things work----or worse, that even if I could I don't want too. Deep down I do want them to work I guess, or I wouldn't be asking for help...but it sincerely feels like we've grown apart. We once shared his interest, but he's actually turned me against even liking it. Then reaches out to other women for support and attention to discuss it. I love him, and I try to listen...but there just isnt a way for me to fully support it when I have to be the adult in the relationship that remembers things like to pay bills.

 

[Suzanne]

Very similar to how my husband and I were, when we first got married and I am the one with aspergers ( but did not know it at the time). He took responsibility for everything really, accept for keeping the house clean etc. In my head, I did not see myself as a mature person with responsibilities. I hated getting up in the morning to make him sandwiches for work and we used to get into such terrible arguments because of this. I cringe now, to see what I was like.

Been married for 24 year's next month and I have learned a lot.

I am afraid that your relationship is going to not get better, unless your husband is able to accept that he can control his aspie traits.

I caused my husband to nearly go mad when I got obsessed with ebola. He had it in his ears on a daily basis and then threatened me that if I uttered it one more time, he would ban me even breathing the word. Thankfully I got passed it. Usually my obsessions last 2 weeks max.

What you must try and appreciate and some NT's do, but not all, is that it is not his fault that he is like this! But he can be taught how to divert his attention.

You couldn't have joined a better forum and feel sure, it will give you the strength to battle on. One step is finding out as much as you can about male aspergers; because we females are a bit different.

 

[Judge]

With neurological differences you can't demand or even expect total equality or parity in a relationship. However as Suzanne pointed out, it's still incumbent upon your husband to address the existing inequities as best he can.

There are traits and behaviors he can at least try to work on. Equally it will require you to understand about those in which he is truly unable to process or substantially improve upon.

 

[Tom]

He's definately got a lot of work to do to be a good husband. The first thing is for him to realize he has a problem and an array of negative behaviors that have to be fixed or modified. Then he has to go to work on them. In that process you can be helpful by supporting his efforts positively and accepting a slow rate of change, for those changes have to be figured out first and then implemented. Its usually a matter of tackling one thing at a time. As long as he is trying and making improvements that is good. But you can't expect overnight dramatic changes and there will always be some things that will remain different.

Just you initiating this process would be difficult. It helps if he hears the basics from someone else, like a counselor or therapist. To just grab an example out of the air he has to get a grip on limiting his interest to a level that does not cause friction. But not all his issues are Aspie related. Some are just standard relationship practices like not belittling your spouse or disrespecting her.

But how to approach it to begin with, I am at a loss to say. Perhaps others will have suggestions or you can seek some professional counsel as well, for advice on how to deal with him. On the one hand he has to learn this is not working and may have serious consequences for the relationship - then its his choice to try and change or not - and on the other hand he would need to know you are going to support it for the long haul.

P.S. I am in 'mixed mental marriage' I'm the Aspie in ours. The salient point in our discussions for me is finding out what is real, what is reasonable. Fairness is the balance I look for.

 

[AsheSkyler]

If he knows he's an Aspie, he knows he needs to be responsible with his interests because he likely enjoys them more intensely than others and needs to limit their exposure to it. The only thing I've burned my husband on is pizza! (But in my defense, he gets burned out on food easily.)

 

[Gordy]

If he knows he's an Aspie, he knows he needs to be responsible with his interests because he likely enjoys them more intensely than others and needs to limit their exposure to it. The only thing I've burned my husband on is pizza! (But in my defense, he gets burned out on food easily.)

Hello,
I rarely visit this forum, but I saw this and I have to agree.

I am on my second marriage. My first lasted 20 years but had broken down after about 17. My current marriage is just over a year in,but we lived together for 18 months prior to the wedding. My ASD scorings are quite high, but I am very high functioning. I have always worked to modify my behaviour so that I fit in better, but it is exhausting. Fortunately my wife takes that into account and I am generally on an even keel most of the time. I have anxiety issues. Often I need time on my own just to recharge my batteries.

So, for a marriage to work you need some give and take on both sides. The aspie needs to work on modifying their behaviour and the NT needs to make accomodations for his needs.

That is my experience, others may have different ones.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Hello,
I rarely visit this forum, but I saw this and I have to agree.

I am on my second marriage. My first lasted 20 years but had broken down after about 17. My current marriage is just over a year in,but we lived together for 18 months prior to the wedding. My ASD scorings are quite high, but I am very high functioning. I have always worked to modify my behaviour so that I fit in better, but it is exhausting. Fortunately my wife takes that into account and I am generally on an even keel most of the time. I have anxiety issues. Often I need time on my own just to recharge my batteries.

So, for a marriage to work you need some give and take on both sides. The aspie needs to work on modifying their behaviour and the NT needs to make accomodations for his needs.

That is my experience, others may have different ones.

Aye, true that. One-sided relationships don't go far. One needs to moderate, one needs to be patient.

And learn to cook more than just pizza... Heehee.

 

[Suzanne]

I've been married to a 'high functioning' Asperger's man for thirty five years. I've worked very hard at this marriage and so has he. One of the things I keep in mind every day, is what a great person he is.

And that's what you have to do, think of his good qualities and consider how he had to make himself appear to be a different person because he loves you. Now try and imagine how difficult it must be to pretend to be someone else all the time, so that you will be accepted by someone you care about.

He did this for you, because he felt that who he really is was unacceptable. Imagine what that would be like for someone, to think of themselves as unacceptable to the world. How hurtful and destructive that is to a person. Accept that he is something of the person you fell in love with, witty and intelligent but also different too. Learn about who he actually is over time, as I did.

Then, begin to learn about asperger's and the things inherent to it. Realize that some 'aspies' usually look for mates as intelligent as they are, who have certain social skills they they don't. It's a new culture for you and one that takes time to become part of and understand. Write down a few things that you feel can be improved upon, within the relationship, not everything all at once. Give this to your husband, and try not to criticize him, suggest you talk about these things after he's had time to think about them. Be quite specific: I feel/think ...... when you say/do this ......... Often that will be relevant and what it takes to work on things. And also ask your mate if he would create a similar list of things he would like you to improve upon.

Remember that many of the 'usual' things that you expect will not go exactly as planned. You will need to rethink your perceptions and expectations and you will also need to be stronger emotionally to tackle these issues.

Mia, you put my faith back regarding NT's; if only there were more like you!!!