NT seeking advice... Grief and loss

[dhower]

Hi all, I'm excited to be a part of this community. My name is Dani (NT) and I have been with my boyfriend (AS) for 3 years. We have been living together for a little less than a year in a home he owns.

I have been reading these forums since I found out my boyfriend has Aspergers (about a year into the relationship when I sought out advice from his mom who then disclosed this information to me). I have found this community to be helpful and I have learned so much. However, I have a topic I can't seem to find any threads discussing it.... Grief and loss.

My father passed away suddenly in September and my world has since been turned on its head. My father was my other best friend (besides my boyfriend), my mentor and my confidant. The past 4 months have also been the hardest months not only in my life, but also in my relationship with my boyfriend.

I have been super patient with my boyfriend, probably more than I need to be. I think his "flaws" have become so apparent to me as of late and it's tearing me apart inside because I have been looking for comfort and support but he can only handle it in very small doses. I find myself almost hating him for being so selfish. Deep down, I know its not his fault, but he said to me this morning that I seem to be distancing myself from him lately and he's unsure why. How do I explain myself to him? I don't want to cause an argument (I HATE, hate, hate when he has a meltdown). I don't want him to think I am mad or that I hate him, because that is so far from the truth. There is a future for us, I love this man, we talk marriage and starting a family all the time. So I don't want the loss of my father to cause anything stupid to happen, I just need some perspective, please help me!!

 

[Tom]

Wow, that does sound very hard . I get the feeling you have the head knowledge and understanding needed so there's nothing I can really add for insight on dealing with a AS.

Something an uncle said after my own dad died always stuck with me. He said 'your orphans!'. Now I know he was just trying to be funny (which is how my family rolls), cause its absurd when your in your 40s, but you know, at times it really feels like that.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps above all what you need to do with step back and reexamine your own perspective on it all. That your recent loss has turned your world upside down. Yes, it has. That grief can "magnify" just about anything and everything that frustrates you.

I don't think you need to seek an Aspie answer to much of anything in this sense. However what you need to understand the most is that we all as human beings process grief differently. And that there is NO universal answer or time limit as to how we may come out of it. You just have to let it run its course, and cut yourself as much slack as you need in the interim.

That you may need solitude every bit as many Aspies do. And that your b/f - and perhaps everyone else in your orbit who must come to grips with it as best they can.

 

[dhower]

I don't think you need to seek an Aspie answer to much of anything in this sense. However what you need to understand the most is that we all as human beings process grief differently. And that there is NO universal answer or time limit as to how we may come out of it. You just have to let it run its course, and cut yourself as much slack as you need in the interim.

I completely understand that not everyone deals with grief differently, I mean my sister is dealing with her feelings and it's totally different then they way I have handled it. I will say this, my sister (NT) is also in a committed relationship and with a NT and she has no issues what so ever with receiving "comfort" or "support" from her partner.

My question is more so about how do I properly get my point across to my boyfriend that I need him to give a little instead of taking all the time. I'm a very emotional person (always have been and always will be), but I have found that I tend to lock them in a bottle when I'm around him because there's no point... he doesn't want to hear it. So my question is how do I express the hurt I feel to him without him feeling like I am attacking him?

I hope that makes sense. But yes I am human, and I do need alone time occasionally, but sometimes I just don't want to be alone. I want to be hugged, I want to be close to someone because emotionally I feel so distant and alone.

 

[ZachChong7]

I'll try to help ya

 

[Myway]

Welcome. If you have questions, you can private message me. I am good at answering questions most of the time. I can try to help you if you want me to. I have Asperger Syndrome along with my boyfriend, so I can try to help you. I understand the struggles.

 

[dhower]

Welcome. If you have questions, you can private message me. I am good at answering questions most of the time. I can try to help you if you want me to. I have Asperger Syndrome along with my boyfriend, so I can try to help you. I understand the struggles.

Thanks, I appreciate that. ​

 

[watersprite]

Hi dhower
Sorry you're coming here under difficult circumstances. It's interesting what Tom said about being orphaned. My dad said the same thing to me, partly in jest; that when he and my mom passed, that I'd be an orphan.
Have you read up at all on the stages of grieving - it helped me a lot when I lost a friend in a plane crash.

Here are some thoughts. When another person is upset (and needs me to be close or for me to give support) I can't guess - have to be told exactly what I'm supposed to do. I want the person to feel better but I have limited resources with regards to how much closeness I can offer. Also, I wish it weren't the case but I am prone to extra confusion and meltdowns when a person I'm in a relationship with changes their behavior. Hope some of this makes some sense for you.

Welcome to AC.

 

[Beverly]

This is an area I struggle in. I am a 50 year old Aspie and, of course I and those close to me have all lost people in our lives. I see how NTs react and how they interact following such a loss but, it makes no sense to me so, I stay out of it. I know I would just be trying to put on an act and, that's the one piece my social façade lacks. I haven't studied the details of what NTs do when they're grieving that I don't do so, I can't respond or react appropriately.

I don't see what good crying, wailing or, talking about the deceased for days or even weeks on end does. I don't understand how you could not have expected it. We all die, we are mortal beings so, it's going to happen to everyone sooner or later, I expect it to happen to many people everyday on this planet. Of course it's going to be people I know sometimes.

I would guess that your boyfriend is somewhere close to that, not understanding your reactions and, not knowing what is the NT thing to do to, with or for you to make YOU better. Like me he isn't going to even think of making the loss of the deceased better, the only way to dot hat is to resurrect them and, that is not humanly possible so, nothing can make that better. All that's left then is to make you better but, you're not good because the person died and that can't be made any better. Catch 22, and very confusing because you are the one that he SHOULD be able to make better but, there is no way to solve the source of the problem so, kind of stuck here.

 

[Judge]

My question is more so about how do I properly get my point across to my boyfriend that I need him to give a little instead of taking all the time. I'm a very emotional person (always have been and always will be), but I have found that I tend to lock them in a bottle when I'm around him because there's no point... he doesn't want to hear it. So my question is how do I express the hurt I feel to him without him feeling like I am attacking him?

Keep in mind that few of us are likely to be known for intricate social skills. Being on the spectrum, probably the response I would most appreciate would be one which is direct and to the point. Blunt if need be. Just like me. Not like you. To tell him your exact concerns that you have posted above. And above all to emphasize to him that it's not your intent to hurt his feelings in the process.