NT female dating AS male....help

[Grumpy Cat]

I had the same problem Harrison did, till recently...feeling that my presence was statement enough of my commitment. It's only in my current relationship that I'm finally learning what being a partner truly entails. I was bent on not changing anything, and honestly, I doubted that I could. But with the right encouragement and communication, and not too much pressure, I've changed my ways considerably

So Aspies can change even if its just a little?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Thank you all for your perspective! I’m spending a lot of time looking through the Resource section and have tracked down several books to start reading. Your advice is so much appreciated – I feel that now I am not alone in this!

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to take some time to really sort through the things I need in a relationship and the things I can reasonably ask of him. I’d spent a lot of time over the past months reading people’s online resources and experiences, and am hopeful that some of the printed word suggested here will be helpful as well. I’m thinking perhaps it would help to have a list of things that I need from a relationship and ask if they are reasonable within his abilities. He has admitted that he has a great deal of difficulty with empathy, so we’ll see how it goes.

A side note: He has a younger female friend who was also diagnosed with Asperger’s within the last few months (he’s know her about a year). They get along extremely well because they “speak the same language” and they feel they understand each other. I found out when he and I started dating that he had been intimate with this girl but broke it off when he found out I wasn’t ok with dating someone who was intimate with other people at the same time. He says it wasn’t anything more than physical. (Most of his friends are female as he feels less threatened by them.)

While I am very happy that he has someone he can be himself with, I have been fighting jealousy of this girl who intuitively understands him and seems to be able to put him at ease where I struggle. He is constantly helping her through rough spots as she learns about her diagnosis and is always there for her when she needs help. They often hang out together as they also share similar interests. He says that she is too far away in age and maturity for him to seriously consider her as a mate.

While I understand his reasons, I often wonder what could I possibly be bringing to this relationship that makes me a “better” fit for him? This has been making me feel so insecure that when I try to talk to him I fear I am coming across as defensive or desperate.
I think some time apart may do us both good – give him some space and me some time for perspective.

I think you have a right to be jealous. He slept with this woman and is still seeing her to do friend things and even goes to her for his comfort? I wouldn't put up with that for 2 seconds. I can understand Aspieness and I would do all I can to try to get the relationship to work, but if I got back in return the stuff I said above and no back rubs either, I'm outta there. The list thing you mentioned about your needs and if he could fulfill them sounds like a great idea.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

they are 12-14 years apart.

I don't think that's such a big age gap and they have way too much in common for age to be a factor AND he didn't let age get in the way when he slept with her.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Sigh.....I'm back.
I've read a couple of the books recommended above, and am working my way through more. I've sat down and had several talks with him about feelings, needs, expectations, and all of the above. He says he agrees my needs are not irrational or excessive. He says he can't meet my needs right now because he is going though an unsettled time and needs some time to get himself in order. I understand that and we agreed that I would help him as I could until he could get himself back to sorts.
Here's the problem....the holiday season is always really tough for me. I feel more isolated than ever because I know he can't support me emotionally and I can't ask him to be there for me when he is struggling with his concerns. But right now I have nothing left to offer him to help, even if he did ask. Lately he just doesn't talk and says he's focusing on taking care of himself.
I understand and support that, really I do. I just don't know if I can keep holding myself in like this. I'm still struggling with depression and anxiety and this season is getting worse. I don't know what to do and I wonder if it would be better if we take a serious break.
As an Aspie, would he view that as me abandoning him?

I feel like we've talked so much that if I bring this up again he will feel like I am rehashing things and it will stress him out.

If he's an Aspie, he should be able to see where you're coming from from a logical point of view. You're just as important as he is in this relationship and you see he has no problem cutting the relationship off to see to taking care of himself and his needs. I suggest you do the same.

 

[Harrison]

Mr Taurus, you are indeed correct about how painful and lonely it is when NT's don't get their emotional needs meant (and NT women are all about "feelings"). Knowing what you do now, could you change after getting to know what an NT needs in a relationship or would you go back to what's comfortable for an Aspie?

I, myself, see both sides having to work on some "changes" in order for the relationship to survive.

As I have just fallen in love with an NT (reciprocal BTW) the answer is 'yes, yes and yes'. I have spent enough time in the wilderness to have learnt what I should be doing, it helps that she loves my aspieness too. I will make mistakes, it's in my nature, but I will watch for them and correct them as fast as I can. Santa outdid himself this year

 

[Grumpy Cat]

As I have just fallen in love with an NT (reciprocal BTW) the answer is 'yes, yes and yes'. I have spent enough time in the wilderness to have learnt what I should be doing, it helps that she loves my aspieness too. I will make mistakes, it's in my nature, but I will watch for them and correct them as fast as I can. Santa outdid himself this year

I was for sure that you would have made the "Naughty List" this year. It's nice to hear that someone has a "hunny" for Christmas and New Years. Maybe you can score a few extra points by watching a some Christmas "chick flicks" and taking her on a horsey ride in a nice carriage. Don't forget to have some mistletoe available too. And you also have your eye twitch thingie to work with, but don't go overboard.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Mr. Taurus!!!

 

[Harrison]

And you also have your eye twitch thingie to work with, but don't go overboard.

I'll keep an eye on it

 

[epath13]

I've been seeing an Aspie male for over a year now. I love him but inside this relationship I am lonely, feeling unwanted and depressed. I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to him about how I feel and bringing up specifics. For example: He asks me over frequently but I end up sitting on the couch while he games and I feeling superfluous; I put forth all my effort to be there for him - physically when he's down and asks for me, and emotionally when he needs to talk - but I don't feel like I am receiving the same support when I ask or need to talk. When I bring up these topics however, the response I get is that he has Asperger's and that just how it works for him.

It started out as just friends, but he very quickly wanted to get physical (he is very sexually aware and active). We became friends with benefits and eventually we started dating exclusively. For the first 7-8 months, things were great. He constantly asks me to come over and I enjoy hanging out with him as we have a lot of similar interests. We started spending most evenings and weekends together and then he started asking me to stay the night.

He has had several relationships in the past that resulted in the girl moving in with him, but has only been diagnosed with Asperger's within the last four years. He says that every girlfriend he's had at one point or another said that they couldn't even tell if he loved them. He has openly told me that he doesn't want to move in together (which I am fine with).

The problems come when I am emotionally overwrought or feeling down (I am being treated for anxiety and depression which keeps it under control most of the time). When I am feeling upset, his response is usually to not talk to me at all, or talk very neutrally and briefly. I find myself feeling irritated and hurt by his lack of response when I am in distress although I think from his perspective he is helping by leaving me alone. I've talked to him about this, but he doesn't seem to understand.

I try to communicate clearly with him when I have a concern and we talk frequently, but it doesn't seem to be making sense to him even when he says it does. I feel so emotionally exhausted by trying to meet his needs and feeling that I am not able to recharge myself. Even something as simple as giving him a backrub when he asks (he enjoys touch), but when I ask for one he either complies but loses interest and stops after a few minutes, or asks if I need one now or if it can wait.

Am I being too needy or too sensitive? I feel at such a loss. I don't want this relationship to end but I don't know how to make it work for both of us. Any advice is appreciated!

You are both just very different. Im sure for many people his behavior is totally normal (Autism normal, not common normal ) and it's hard to change it just to please somebody. It may feel like lying or pretending. The only thing I can tell you, when he's distant it may not mean he doesn't care, he just shows and process it differently. When you have relationship with somebody who has Asperger's, in many cases there have to be compromises, rules, boundaries that are set and managed. If it's hard to deal with, it's better not to be together. And I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but you need to think about your emotional needs as well, and that he may never fulfill your needs the way you want him to fulfill them. If you want to stay together, think about positive aspects in your relationship and if you need something, tell him straight forward, don't make him guess or figure things out. He might feel (I can't be 100 % sure obviously, but he might) frustrated as well and wonders why you need all those things that you need from him. And that may never change, you may never understand each other, but you relationship may still work if you just accept each others differences and try to compromise...

 

[On the Inside]

He says he has no emotional connection to the younger woman, that it was purely a convenience/physical thing. I have often thought he is a bit oblivious to the effects of his actions, but I don't know that it's anyone's place to accuse him that the way he functions is "wrong" or hurtful to many people.

We did have a discussion, and talked a lot about our needs and expectations. He concluded that he needs more from me to feel connected in the relationship, and once he feels connected he thinks my needs are reasonable in a relationship.

There was a female friend in my life while I was married with whom I felt very comfortable with, I felt we really connected and understood each other. Things easily could have gotten more intimate, but I can't do that sort of thing, but I was aware that I had an emotional connection with her. So that might be part of the "unsettled time" he's referring to. I was unaware of how emotionally attached I was to this person until much later. I don't have a great deal of experience with connection moving towards attachment, but I know it is an unsettling time.

He might be unsettled by the connection/attachment feeling with you. I know it feels perilous for me, like I'm walking on a ridge with steep slopes to either side (attachment/isolation) and it's raining hard.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Sigh.....I'm back.
I've read a couple of the books recommended above, and am working my way through more. I've sat down and had several talks with him about feelings, needs, expectations, and all of the above. He says he agrees my needs are not irrational or excessive. He says he can't meet my needs right now because he is going though an unsettled time and needs some time to get himself in order. I understand that and we agreed that I would help him as I could until he could get himself back to sorts.
Here's the problem....the holiday season is always really tough for me. I feel more isolated than ever because I know he can't support me emotionally and I can't ask him to be there for me when he is struggling with his concerns. But right now I have nothing left to offer him to help, even if he did ask. Lately he just doesn't talk and says he's focusing on taking care of himself.
I understand and support that, really I do. I just don't know if I can keep holding myself in like this. I'm still struggling with depression and anxiety and this season is getting worse. I don't know what to do and I wonder if it would be better if we take a serious break.
As an Aspie, would he view that as me abandoning him?

I feel like we've talked so much that if I bring this up again he will feel like I am rehashing things and it will stress him out.

I personally wouldn't see it as an abandonment. I'd probably ask for a time period for what was intended as a total silence and vacation before we resumed discussions and began the re-evaluation process.

How about a pet? Do you have the resources necessary to keep a cuddly critter? Can't exactly have deep conversations with them, but quite a few therapists agree they can be great for your overall emotional stability.

 

[CheshireGrin]

I have three cats, lol. They are all the therapy I can reasonably support. They have gotten me through a lot of rough spots.
We ended up having a chat, I didn't intend to so soon, but the subject came up and he is a dog with a bone when he wants to be. I told him I couldn't keep up emotionally and I thought we needed to take a break so we each had some time to sort ourselves out. He wants to stay friends. I guess we'll see what happens. I already feel heartbroken.

 

[VioletPane]

I can relate to all of that. For months my partner ignored me for gaming, and is extremely active in bed etc. You need to tell him out right how you eel and that you are trying could he try a little more please.