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NT + AS / AS+AS Relationship stories :)
- Thread starter Bronwyn
- Start date
Tomos
Well-Known Member
I don't have a story to tell, but i would love to meet someone who has had the same experiences with asd and mental health like i have had, a soul mate / kindred spirit.
i would love to just care for someone, to be a tower of strength and to let them know i'll always be there for them and that i'll never let them down.
i don't have many friends due to my anxiety and social awkwardness, not that it is
a bad thing though,it's just that i would love to have that one person who is my best friend and hopefully something even more special than that.
i would love to just care for someone, to be a tower of strength and to let them know i'll always be there for them and that i'll never let them down.
i don't have many friends due to my anxiety and social awkwardness, not that it is
a bad thing though,it's just that i would love to have that one person who is my best friend and hopefully something even more special than that.
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Spoopy
Well-Known Member
I created an account just to comment on this ^_^
My boyfriend is an aspie and I am NT, although I do have diagnosed depression and anxiety. This may sound naive since we are only approaching our 6 month anniversary next week.
We met through Tinder and within a couple of messages we were sending massive paragraphs through text. I remember him saying "I'm an aspie so if we met I might not make a lot of eye contact" and I came back with "I have anxiety, so we can spend the whole date not looking at each other".
It's going to sound so lame but as soon as I saw him walk through the door of the café I was hooked. After the date I spent 5 minutes just sitting in the car messaging my friends.
We work really well because I have a brother who is an aspie (although no one actually told me this until I started dating an aspie...) and my other brother has ADHD, so I'm a pretty patient person. His mum also has depression so he knows how to deal with me. I'm not an overly affectionate person and can be quite blunt and while this didn't work in previous relationships, it works well in this one. Probably due to being the youngest child and being basically raised by an aspie when my parents split up.
I wanted to post on this because from what I've seen on forums, there can be a lack of understanding in NT/aspie relationships. I just wanted to say that sometimes they do work, or at least so far this one is amazing.
My boyfriend is an aspie and I am NT, although I do have diagnosed depression and anxiety. This may sound naive since we are only approaching our 6 month anniversary next week.
We met through Tinder and within a couple of messages we were sending massive paragraphs through text. I remember him saying "I'm an aspie so if we met I might not make a lot of eye contact" and I came back with "I have anxiety, so we can spend the whole date not looking at each other".
It's going to sound so lame but as soon as I saw him walk through the door of the café I was hooked. After the date I spent 5 minutes just sitting in the car messaging my friends.
We work really well because I have a brother who is an aspie (although no one actually told me this until I started dating an aspie...) and my other brother has ADHD, so I'm a pretty patient person. His mum also has depression so he knows how to deal with me. I'm not an overly affectionate person and can be quite blunt and while this didn't work in previous relationships, it works well in this one. Probably due to being the youngest child and being basically raised by an aspie when my parents split up.
I wanted to post on this because from what I've seen on forums, there can be a lack of understanding in NT/aspie relationships. I just wanted to say that sometimes they do work, or at least so far this one is amazing.
Adora
Well-Known Member
In the past i didn’t know I was on the spectrum so I don’t have any experience about AS/AS relationships but I’m married to my NT husband and he met me before I discovered that I am on the spectrum, but he has told me on a few occasions that he picked up that I was on the spectrum way before I was told by a psychologist and the reason why he said he never mentioned it before was he thought I would get upset with him,but besides that my husband has to deal with me when it comes to my interests he will listen to me when I go on about a interest like Star Wars but he will also joke saying to me “I wonder what the next interest will be” though he does get frustrated with me we still seem to get along and he is the only person that I like to hug and be affectionate with because usually even with people that I know it’s hard for me to initiate a friendly hug but my husband hugs are always welcomed.
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I am married to an nt and have to say, despite the huge challenges, he does help me try to be a better me. Helps me to not sink into how I feel, whereas if he were an aspie, I feel that it actually might complicate things; a lack of balancing out.
We have been married for 27 years and at last, we are finding a unity, but that has to be thanks to our faith, as we strive to find the good in a marriage that by all accounts, should have sizzled out a long time
ago!
Oh, because I am a slow thinker, my husband does a bit of role play with me. I explain the issue and he tells me what I could say.
For an example: I was accused of being paranoid ( yes, I do suffer from that, but not completely without cause) and so, tried to defend myself, but the accuser decided to react negativily towards me and so I said to my husband: how can I DEFEND myself and he just said: say: I am not parnoid. So simple; yet for me, so hard to think that way.
Since it came to our knowledge that I am too literal; he has taken to making sure to say when something should be literal and when not.
He also gives me prompters to remember to pass on his love. I just can't be bothered with that sort of thing, so with his reminder, I manage to think of it.
I am a one dayer person. Meaning that one day of full outside activity, renders me absolutely burnt out for the next couple of days; but with the help of my God, Jehovah, I was able to go out for half a day the following day and survive.
We have been married for 27 years and at last, we are finding a unity, but that has to be thanks to our faith, as we strive to find the good in a marriage that by all accounts, should have sizzled out a long time
ago!
Oh, because I am a slow thinker, my husband does a bit of role play with me. I explain the issue and he tells me what I could say.
For an example: I was accused of being paranoid ( yes, I do suffer from that, but not completely without cause) and so, tried to defend myself, but the accuser decided to react negativily towards me and so I said to my husband: how can I DEFEND myself and he just said: say: I am not parnoid. So simple; yet for me, so hard to think that way.
Since it came to our knowledge that I am too literal; he has taken to making sure to say when something should be literal and when not.
He also gives me prompters to remember to pass on his love. I just can't be bothered with that sort of thing, so with his reminder, I manage to think of it.
I am a one dayer person. Meaning that one day of full outside activity, renders me absolutely burnt out for the next couple of days; but with the help of my God, Jehovah, I was able to go out for half a day the following day and survive.
Once upon a time there was a brilliant aspie princess who lived alone in a house with dodgy plumbing. One day she met a handsome prince who had tools and skills and fixed her leaking pipes. The aspie princess rewarded the handsome prince with who strong sons. He in turn tried to have long and meaningful discussions with the aspie princess who rolled her eyes and put her headphones on. After much emotional trauma the handsome prince eventually gave up and got on with the washing and cooking. They lived happily ever after, the end.
Prior to being diagnosed, and thus finally able to understand myself, I was married to an NT. We were together for 15 years, mostly good, though for me a constant struggle trying to comprehend things that were not being said, having my own words interpreted (wrongly) and thrown back at me, and having to disguise processing problems, meltdowns and sensory confusions and overloads. It was, I thought, how all relationships work, so I stuck at it and did my best. In her own way, so did she.
When we broke up a few years ago, I simply forgot her. Quite literally. Then I settled down to a life of peace and quiet, of being alone and discovering the reality of myself rather better than I could have ever done with her.
Then I met my partner. She is an Aspie, and we just knew immediately that we worked. We understand each other and fit together like we belong, and it is as if we've known each other our entire lives. She is wickedly funny, very intelligent, and more than a little awesome. She keeps me balanced, settled and she makes total sense to me, and I make total sense to her. Since we both know about sensory and processing issues, we can decode and predict each other, and time together is generally remarkably easy and uncomplicated.
But it isn't all wine and roses because while we're both Aspies, we're in different places on the spectrum and that means we don't share identical processes or experiences, neither do we jam, unjam or overload the same way, meaning there is still work to do, relationship maintenance to manage and perform, and places we have stumbled and have needed to rescue ourselves from.
So AS/AS relationships are really not perfect either, but I wouldn't swap my Aspie for anyone else on earth, because while I was really very happy and comfortable alone, she makes me see the world totally differently, and lights it up in ways I never imagined possible.
It is hard not to let the past intrude and influence the present, but we work well together and support each other every step of the way. I have never experienced anything like it, and know I am undoubtedly very, very lucky.
When we broke up a few years ago, I simply forgot her. Quite literally. Then I settled down to a life of peace and quiet, of being alone and discovering the reality of myself rather better than I could have ever done with her.
Then I met my partner. She is an Aspie, and we just knew immediately that we worked. We understand each other and fit together like we belong, and it is as if we've known each other our entire lives. She is wickedly funny, very intelligent, and more than a little awesome. She keeps me balanced, settled and she makes total sense to me, and I make total sense to her. Since we both know about sensory and processing issues, we can decode and predict each other, and time together is generally remarkably easy and uncomplicated.
But it isn't all wine and roses because while we're both Aspies, we're in different places on the spectrum and that means we don't share identical processes or experiences, neither do we jam, unjam or overload the same way, meaning there is still work to do, relationship maintenance to manage and perform, and places we have stumbled and have needed to rescue ourselves from.
So AS/AS relationships are really not perfect either, but I wouldn't swap my Aspie for anyone else on earth, because while I was really very happy and comfortable alone, she makes me see the world totally differently, and lights it up in ways I never imagined possible.
It is hard not to let the past intrude and influence the present, but we work well together and support each other every step of the way. I have never experienced anything like it, and know I am undoubtedly very, very lucky.
My parents and my wife's parents were friends and arranged for us to meet. Talking to her on the phone before meeting in person, she asked what I liked to do. I paused ... for a super long time I guess ... while she held the phone away from her ear and gestured toward it, like "What's wrong with this guy?" In my mind I was thinking, "I like to read, eat, sleep, do math. But this is a girl and girls like fun things. I don't know any fun things." So, after a super long pause, I said, "I don't know."
When we met in person, it was a completely different story. I have never felt so relaxed and able to drop all my defenses and just be me. She is the first person I really communicated with, and I feel like I learned to talk to other people by talking to her first.
Most people would never believe we are married. She's social, fun-loving, the life of the party, artistic. I love reading and math. She sings with perfect pitch. I was asked not to sing in a church choir. She has been PTO president, and led various church groups. I am happy staying in the background and doing the paperwork. But we are perfect complements for each other. Together, we make one perfect, ultra-functional person.
AS/NT friction points:
I've had to learn to put a lighter tone in my default voice, so I don't come off sounding mad all the time. She used to ask me if I was mad, and I'd say no, and she'd keep asking until I was mad.
I've had to learn to stop what I'm doing, put the book down, pause the TV, etc., and turn toward her and actively listen when she's talking, or I won't hear it, will forget it, etc.
She knows I don't get hints, so she gives me lists of what she wants for Christmas, birthday, etc. On our anniversary, sometimes we'll just say, "We have this much money. Let's split it in half and each go buy what we want." Honestly, can a clueless guy ask for anything more?
I have helped her with her schooling, especially the math. I "talk her down off the ledge" when she says it's too hard and she can't do it. She talks me down off the ledge when I'm having an anxiety attack.
After social encounters, she tells me who we just talked to and how I know them. She'll also tell me if someone is pregnant or just fat, so I don't put my foot in my mouth.
She tells me, "I want a night out" or "I just want X to be taken care of without me having to ask" and I'll write it down, put it in my calendar and make it happen.
After a weekend of helping kids with homework, projects, activities, etc., I might say, "I just want to go into my own space and watch a TV show", and she will guard the borders, shooing the kids out of the room for 45 minutes while I recharge.
All relationships are hard work. Making it a good relationship is hard, regardless of who is or isn't NT/ND. At the start of our marriage, we were advised to "get closer to each other to face the trials, instead of letting the trials separate you." It has been the best advice I ever received. We have been married for 23 years.
When we met in person, it was a completely different story. I have never felt so relaxed and able to drop all my defenses and just be me. She is the first person I really communicated with, and I feel like I learned to talk to other people by talking to her first.
Most people would never believe we are married. She's social, fun-loving, the life of the party, artistic. I love reading and math. She sings with perfect pitch. I was asked not to sing in a church choir. She has been PTO president, and led various church groups. I am happy staying in the background and doing the paperwork. But we are perfect complements for each other. Together, we make one perfect, ultra-functional person.
AS/NT friction points:
I've had to learn to put a lighter tone in my default voice, so I don't come off sounding mad all the time. She used to ask me if I was mad, and I'd say no, and she'd keep asking until I was mad.
I've had to learn to stop what I'm doing, put the book down, pause the TV, etc., and turn toward her and actively listen when she's talking, or I won't hear it, will forget it, etc.
She knows I don't get hints, so she gives me lists of what she wants for Christmas, birthday, etc. On our anniversary, sometimes we'll just say, "We have this much money. Let's split it in half and each go buy what we want." Honestly, can a clueless guy ask for anything more?
I have helped her with her schooling, especially the math. I "talk her down off the ledge" when she says it's too hard and she can't do it. She talks me down off the ledge when I'm having an anxiety attack.
After social encounters, she tells me who we just talked to and how I know them. She'll also tell me if someone is pregnant or just fat, so I don't put my foot in my mouth.
She tells me, "I want a night out" or "I just want X to be taken care of without me having to ask" and I'll write it down, put it in my calendar and make it happen.
After a weekend of helping kids with homework, projects, activities, etc., I might say, "I just want to go into my own space and watch a TV show", and she will guard the borders, shooing the kids out of the room for 45 minutes while I recharge.
All relationships are hard work. Making it a good relationship is hard, regardless of who is or isn't NT/ND. At the start of our marriage, we were advised to "get closer to each other to face the trials, instead of letting the trials separate you." It has been the best advice I ever received. We have been married for 23 years.
I'm still working on mine! But these stories give me hope that I too can achieve what I want most in life & a relationship. I'm currently dating a woman who is an NT, an extrovert, & very awesome. I want to hold on to her for as long as I can, & maybe hopefully marry? Am I asking for too much? I hope not...
Before I got married I had a few short term girlfriends but nothing ever lasted, and I couldn’t figure out why, and they didn’t want to know or explain.
The first time I saw my now wife, it was through the window at someone’s house who had invited me over. When I got there I was furious, they hadn’t told me there would be strangers there I thought it would be just my friend. I stood outside the house and looked through the window unable to now knock on the door. The rules had changed, it was a small party, a few people, 3 to be exact, talking, laughing, having a drink. I hadn’t expected this so I wasn’t prepared for this sudden situation and change of plan, and I didn’t know either of the new faces so I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t have a scrip prepared, I felt super out of place, awkward, confused and upset so I walked away and went back home without ever going in. When my friend rang to see where I was I ignored the calls. I couldn’t however forget one of the guests I’d watched through the window, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. We’ve been married for 20 years in September.
I was 30 when we got married and I thought that was that, you just live happily ever after, I was so naive. I thought relationships were static and set, I now know they ebb and flow, they change as you change.
I thought you just get on with things, now I know you have to work at things. I thought it was reasonable to ignore a knock at the door, or phone call, or visitor if it wasn’t prearranged, or to hate surprises and get upset by a sudden change of plan, and I still do. My wife compromised by letting her friends know it was best to call her first rather than just turn up. I learned I would have to compromise too.
Perhaps some of the biggest problems for my wife the first few years, the first 15 years, is I don’t take hints, I hate surprises as I said, I don’t see what may be obvious to her, I don’t have or need any friends, I’m not sociable, I don’t go to parties, I’m quite happy on my own, I’m not tactile, I don’t ever need a hug, I don’t like to be touched without a reason, and I need to be left alone at times especially when engrossed in an interest. I thought everyone was like that, but now I know they aren’t. My wife became very lonely and I never saw it or realised it. I looked forward to fixing her computer for her, cooking something different or interesting, cutting the grass and making the garden nice, doing building work or painting at home, fixing things for her, bringing money in. I thought this was how you show love, she didn’t realise it was my way, communication broke down. I found her needing a kiss or hug irritating I didn’t understand why it was necessary especially after so long, and we aren’t kids anymore, I had to learn to compromise she had to learn to ask and not expect me to give what she needed spontaneously, because it would never happen.
My wife is very NT, I on the other hand am not. It’s been quite a journey so far but to anyone who has read this far wondering if an AS/NT relationship is possible, or is possible long term, the answer is yes, very definitely.
We are very lucky, we have two children too, which lead to another set of issues of course. My eldest daughter has also been diagnosed with ASD.
It’s been difficult for us individually, as a couple and as a family but as Bruce Lee said “do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one”
For all our difficulties, we are still going strong, and getting stronger every day, at least I think so anyway!
Peace.
The first time I saw my now wife, it was through the window at someone’s house who had invited me over. When I got there I was furious, they hadn’t told me there would be strangers there I thought it would be just my friend. I stood outside the house and looked through the window unable to now knock on the door. The rules had changed, it was a small party, a few people, 3 to be exact, talking, laughing, having a drink. I hadn’t expected this so I wasn’t prepared for this sudden situation and change of plan, and I didn’t know either of the new faces so I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t have a scrip prepared, I felt super out of place, awkward, confused and upset so I walked away and went back home without ever going in. When my friend rang to see where I was I ignored the calls. I couldn’t however forget one of the guests I’d watched through the window, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. We’ve been married for 20 years in September.
I was 30 when we got married and I thought that was that, you just live happily ever after, I was so naive. I thought relationships were static and set, I now know they ebb and flow, they change as you change.
I thought you just get on with things, now I know you have to work at things. I thought it was reasonable to ignore a knock at the door, or phone call, or visitor if it wasn’t prearranged, or to hate surprises and get upset by a sudden change of plan, and I still do. My wife compromised by letting her friends know it was best to call her first rather than just turn up. I learned I would have to compromise too.
Perhaps some of the biggest problems for my wife the first few years, the first 15 years, is I don’t take hints, I hate surprises as I said, I don’t see what may be obvious to her, I don’t have or need any friends, I’m not sociable, I don’t go to parties, I’m quite happy on my own, I’m not tactile, I don’t ever need a hug, I don’t like to be touched without a reason, and I need to be left alone at times especially when engrossed in an interest. I thought everyone was like that, but now I know they aren’t. My wife became very lonely and I never saw it or realised it. I looked forward to fixing her computer for her, cooking something different or interesting, cutting the grass and making the garden nice, doing building work or painting at home, fixing things for her, bringing money in. I thought this was how you show love, she didn’t realise it was my way, communication broke down. I found her needing a kiss or hug irritating I didn’t understand why it was necessary especially after so long, and we aren’t kids anymore, I had to learn to compromise she had to learn to ask and not expect me to give what she needed spontaneously, because it would never happen.
My wife is very NT, I on the other hand am not. It’s been quite a journey so far but to anyone who has read this far wondering if an AS/NT relationship is possible, or is possible long term, the answer is yes, very definitely.
We are very lucky, we have two children too, which lead to another set of issues of course. My eldest daughter has also been diagnosed with ASD.
It’s been difficult for us individually, as a couple and as a family but as Bruce Lee said “do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one”
For all our difficulties, we are still going strong, and getting stronger every day, at least I think so anyway!
Peace.
@DCA No, you are not asking too much. What you are asking for is very reasonable, and possible. Keep that hope, work positively, learn from mine and others mistakes and I wish you both all the happiness together.
@Nervous Rex Thank you for sharing too! I hope we can all gain some experience, strength and hope from each other’s posts.
@Nervous Rex Thank you for sharing too! I hope we can all gain some experience, strength and hope from each other’s posts.
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