Not The Best With Responsibility/Future Abuser

[Riley]

I'm very glad if your family does not cross the line into being abusive towards you.

Something to think about, though, is that a person can spoil you, take care of you, do great things for you, and love you, and also abuse you -- people can be supporting you and abusing you simultaneously; These things are rarely black and white.

I'd rather not, honestly. Not because I'm unrepentant. But because my paranoia will feed a crazy theory.

 

[Mary Anne]

That's really good to hear. Another special skill we have is thinking things through, sometimes even overthinking. So the fact that you notice what you do is a good start. And I'm also really glad that you do have some support in your life.

Do mix this in with the experience that you will find here. There are a lot of social workers and aspies that have made it through dark times and have children of our own. It's always worth reading their experiences or take on a situation.

A lot of us even have violent thoughts and imagine shooting everyone in the office on a regular basis. But we don't toy with this side, or experiment, not even in small ways. Not on animals or humans. It's the side of me that I channel into making it through the day, it's the side of me that gives me strength and helps me write. But any dark thoughts are firmly under control.

Changing how we behave is not always easy and if our brains have been mentally damaged (by friends or family or just circumstance), then re-programming them takes time and commitment. You have still hurt this girl and you need to talk through your actions and the thoughts that you have with a counselor. Then as above, either stay away from the girl or if that is impossible, think about the example you want to set her and tune out the annoying parts until you can repair the damage you have done and I sincerely hope, stay out of jail and channel your passion into something wonderful.

I'm very glad if your family does not cross the line into being abusive towards you.

Something to think about, though, is that a person can spoil you, take care of you, do great things for you, and love you, and also abuse you -- people can be supporting you and abusing you simultaneously; These things are rarely black and white.

I know. This thread was made when I was still feeling the fall-out guilt from what I did. And then I settled it, calmed down, and kinda made me think.

My home life is FAR from horrible. I'm sorry. My mom feeds me and buys me stuff when she can. My aunt constantly spoils me. My sisters love me. Even my brother has done great things for me. I know you're trying to help me. And I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that. But I love my family. And hate, even fear people calling them abusive.

 

[Mary Anne]

Riley, my mother bought me art supplies, hugged and kissed me all the time, and took me everywhere. Yet, she was very ill and broke fingers and bit my arms, and beat all us kids with leather straps, wooden spoons, and more. I still loved her. I lied at school - telling the nurse that I fell down and broke my finger. I Still lived my mother and protected her! That’s what kids do! You know what? By my 40s, and decades of therapy, I forgave her, but I hated my passive father who never believed us and did not protect us - my siblings and I.

I am glad both my parents are dead now. I went through self harm starting in 3rd grade, suicide attempts at age 16. Violent fantasies of knifing both parents to death at around age 12. I just took it out on my own arms instead. Growing up, abusive relationships, and decades of addiction. I was really so abused as a child but all I learned was to find more abuse. I never talked about all this until my late 50s. I can deal now, and trained to work in the mental health field.

I can understand how you feel, but you ARE ABUSING your niece, and the adults in your household are in denial - just as my father was. I feel that my father was just as guilty of abuse, because he never protected me and my brothers. Does this make sense? WHO is protecting your niece? You didn’t even mention her in that last part you wrote about all the people who love you and spoil you. You left the little girl that is abused out of the paragraph, and that little girl just reminds me of myself so very long ago.

 

[Riley]

...I'm pretty sure Mom and/or my brother would step in if they were nearby and doing something.

I'm sorry if I'm not taking this seriously. Just, at the moment, everything's fine. I even managed to be calm and collected with her. Aside from slight immaturity.

 

[Mary Anne]

Ok, this conversation hit a dead end. Now you are in denial. This back and forth thought and emotion is pretty normal for people with intense response disregulation. But understand that when you are in that moment of intense rage and violent emotion-those nano seconds of intensity- that is when bad things happen! People are always sorry after something bad happens! I have read police reports and met with those arrested for domestic violence- horrendous abuse done in the heat of a moment. Even m own mother apologized hours after breaking my finger. People often suffer with chronic remorse after harming or killing someone. Prisons are also filled with “accidental” crimes.

Trying to assume that someone else will always be there to “stop” you from your own intense emotions is incredibly naive, irresponsible, and dangerous. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to keep YOU from harming other living things. YOU ARE NEARLY AN ADULT.

There is family counseling. There is one on one counseling for you call Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) where you could learn how to be aware of triggers that escalate your emotions. Please start on a path of self awareness to control your own emotions.

I have not once read here in all these comments of your love, acceptance, or understanding of your niece. You speak of others’ love and acceptance of you. What about YOUR feelings? You started this thread stating intense feelings, but now you silence them. This is not healthy. You are bottling up emotions and then “ exploding” at your niece (or the dog).

On a positive note, you have started being aware of your issue. You took really brave steps to talk about them in a public forum. You listened for a long while. Those are the first steps to progress.