Not The Best With Responsibility/Future Abuser

[Riley]

After recent events, I've decided against raising children. Whether they're biologically mine or mine by adoption.

I...I'm not kind to my 9 year old niece. As I've possibly stated before. In fact, during a more recent fight between us, I up-and-tried to break her wrist. Several. Times. I failed, but that's not the point. And then I considered getting a knife. Sometimes, rather than attempts to physically abuse or even murder, I'll try to harm her emotionally. Making claims that the only reason my Mom lets her stay around here is pity. And that, due to her homelife, she's 'worthless.'

On other times, I consider myself a horrible aunt for not really wanting to play with her. I feel like, I dunno, a good aunt swallows what they want back and does whatever their niece/nephew wants. That's how I thought it works.

On one hand, I feel like I'm never learning my lesson. No matter how often I realize what I'm doing is wrong, no matter how hard I try, eventually, I turn abusive on my niece. Then again: I was able to stop abusing one of my aunts. So...There might be hope.

 

[the_tortoise]

I think there is hope for you to stop being abusive to your neice. What enabled you to stop being abusive to your aunt?

On other times, I consider myself a horrible aunt for not really wanting to play with her. I feel like, I dunno, a good aunt swallows what they want back and does whatever their niece/nephew wants. That's how I thought it works.

You don't have to always do whatever your niece/nephew wants to be a good aunt. I can't remember my aunts ever playing with me as a child but they were still good aunts in my opinion -- they were kind to me and that's really all that mattered.

 

[Life of As-pi]

I might have missed a thread where you explained the reason for this, hence I'm asking here: what is the actual reason for your aversion against your niece? What did she do to you that you want to harm her so much?
Please do consider that she's just a young girl and you're probably shaping her view of the world through your actions. Figure out the true reasons why you behave abusive around her, and until then: stay away from her.
I have a niece and a nephew myself. I'm not good with children, seeing that I can't even really get along with most of the adult persons around me, children just confuse me even more. However, given that they're not total little bastards (these do exist), I have learned that they just want your attention, your care and that you explain the world to them. I do my best to provide this. If I feel overwhelmed by them, I just go away for a while to regenerate, rather than acting hateful against them. Why? Because they don't know about my condition, they're not to blame. I'm the grown-up, I know how to protect myself, it's my responsibility to do so.
Sorry if there's things I couldn't consider in my reply because I have missed possible other threads by you, as mentioned in the beginning. Probably there's way more to this than I know.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

Have you ever looked into why you're so abusive towards people? It sounds as though there's an underlying cause, because contrary to popular belief, being autistic =/= being violent.

 

[Theta.G]

More often than not these behaviors are related to childhood trauma. One may have amnesia, no memory of the incidents but it doesn't mean it isn't deeply rooted in the body and mind.

Whatever it is, if you want to fix it you should see a psychologist.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

More often then not these behaviors are related to childhood trauma. One may have amnesia, no memory of the incidents but it doesn't mean it isn't deeply rooted in the body and mind.

Whatever it is, if you want to fix it you should see a psychologist.

Taking full responsibility and deciding to stop also helps.

 

[Riley]

I might have missed a thread where you explained the reason for this, hence I'm asking here: what is the actual reason for your aversion against your niece? What did she do to you that you want to harm her so much?
Please do consider that she's just a young girl and you're probably shaping her view of the world through your actions. Figure out the true reasons why you behave abusive around her, and until then: stay away from her.

Have you ever looked into why you're so abusive towards people? It sounds as though there's an underlying cause, because contrary to popular belief, being autistic =/= being violent.

I've chalked it up to a simple thing. See, while my brother is and has been capable of nice things, he's still been abusive to me. Not that I haven't deserved it, at times. Usually if I had a violent outburst and threatened the animals. Or if I tried to join/butt into a conversation he and Mom were having. Sometimes, he's said I'm the reason he doesn't like coming home. Or that I'm worthless to the family. He even made a comment about me and the show My 600 Pound Life that has me constantly using the scale and fearing for my weight.

I can only faintly recall it, but there was a time he tried breaking the cycle. Or I just feel like, with her moments of brattiness, anger and immaturity is all she'll understand.

I'd try the staying away tactic.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I've chalked it up to a simple thing. See, while my brother is and has been capable of nice things, he's still been abusive to me. Not that I haven't deserved it, at times. Usually if I had a violent outburst and threatened the animals. Or if I tried to join/butt into a conversation he and Mom were having. Sometimes, he's said I'm the reason he doesn't like coming home. Or that I'm worthless to the family. He even made a comment about me and the show My 600 Pound Life that has me constantly using the scale and fearing for my weight.

I can only faintly recall it, but there was a time he tried breaking the cycle. Or I just feel like, with her moments of brattiness, anger and immaturity is all she'll understand.

I'd try the staying away tactic.

I see. But surely if he's been abusive after you were already violent and threatening creatures, your behaviour was already abusive?

 

[Life of As-pi]

I'd try the staying away tactic.

While that's certainly a good idea, I'd still agree with @Hdphn33 and @Fridgemagnetman that you seek help through therapy and actually decide to end this cycle. I can't imagine what you've gone through with your brother being hostile against you, but acting like this yourself will only put others and yourself at misery. Ongoing. It won't make you feel better if you repeat your brother's mistakes. I wish for you that you'll find a way to end this spiral.

 

[the_tortoise]

See, while my brother is and has been capable of nice things, he's still been abusive to me. Not that I haven't deserved it, at times.

No one deserves to be abused. Not ever.

Or I just feel like, with her moments of brattiness, anger and immaturity is all she'll understand.

That's not how it works.

It may be true that she only knows how to respond in an immature and angry fashion herself, but she's 9 years old -- children start out with no idea how to behave appropriately and have to be taught. They learn by watching adults behave appropriately, and by adults showing and telling them how they are expected to behave....the rest is practice.

If you were to set boundaries without being abusive, she would likely understand that you were setting boundaries. She might test them, or ignore them, or forget about them (or all of those things at different times) because that's what children do -- but it doesn't mean she doesn't understand or that she will never respect those boundaries. You just have to be consistent and firm with said boundaries.

If by "understand" you mean something more like, "respond the way I want her to", take a step back....the ends do not justify the means). Abusing a child to get them to comply with your wishes is not justified, even if they have extreme behavior problems. Also, most children who act out, they will respond better to kindness than to cruelty -- it usually takes time, though, if they have been mistreated for a long time (and especially if the kindness is coming from soemone who mistreated them -- initially they might even escalate their own aggressive/inappropriate behavior, testing to see if the kindness is real and permanent).

The only things abusive behavior can teach your neice are fear (i.e. that she should be afraid of you, and possibly of all adults), that violent/unkind/abusive behavior is an appropriate ways to respond to conflict or emotional distress, and that she is not worthy of love and respect. She will not understand why you are treating her the way you are, she will likely either think you are a horrible person, that she is a horrible person, or both.

I agree with others who have said that until you know you can stop yourself from abusing your neice, you should keep your distance -- at the very least you should not be alone with her and absolutely should not be in a caregiving role over her.

If you are going to be around her sometimes, try to walk away the minute things start to go wrong -- if she acts up or you get upset for whatever reason, just walk away. If she follows you, lock yourself in a bathroom. Carry earplugs at all times if you think she would scream at you through the door and you couldn't ignore it. Don't return until you know you can deal with the situation calmly and without trying to hurt her physically or emotionally.

I also agree with the suggestion to seek out professional help.

 

[Riley]

I really do wanna get therapy. But not only will Mom note the downsides, she'll tell me not to take advice from internet people.

 

[WildCat]

You're 17 headed towards 18. Might want to decide what you want to do about this pretty soon before someone else decides for you.

 

[wight]

So let's sum up, this thread and a couple others, @Riley. You are a mean, abusive, violent, immature person that knows what you are doing is wrong but do it anyway, make excuses, can't control your behavior, and are surprised when people are offended/hurt/angry about your behavior. And it is getting worse.

This is what comes across in your posts here. Whether that is the whole truth or just part of it, only you know. My sense is that whatever the case, you need to start making a change.

 

[Riley]

@wight , you described me to a tee. Or at-least how I view myself.

 

[wight]

OK, then. What are you going to do about it?

 

[the_tortoise]

@wight , you described me to a tee. Or at-least how I view myself.

I see you as a young person who is struggling with behavior and self-esteem, who needs support and encouragement to change her behavior.

I suspect that if you were really hopelessly mean and uncaring, you wouldn't feel bad about anything you do and you would not be deciding that you shouldn't have children.

You come across (at least in this thread) as someone who wants to behave differently, wants to be nice to others, but has no idea how to make that happen. I don't think you are just choosing to be abusive....it sounds more complicated than that.

Please don't give up on yourself.

 

[Major Tom]

Considering what you've written, I'd advise you do just that,and avoid children altogether.. There is ZERO excuse for hurting children... Ever. You have two feet walk out of the house.

 

[Riley]

OK, then. What are you going to do about it?

Hopefully, get psychological help. I love my mother and try to listen to her, but I really need this. Which is why I wanna get back in contact with an old school counselor of mine. Yeah, sounds like a stupid plan.

Considering what you've written, I'd advise you do just that,and avoid children altogether.. There is ZERO excuse for hurting children... Ever. You have two feet walk out of the house.

It's only my niece I do this with. Otherwise, I get along with children amazingly.

 

[Mr Allen]

I get along with my 7 year old niece and 10 year old nephew just fine, and I actually want kids, I just think that at 5 days off 42, am I too old to Father kids now? And would any offspring of mine inherit my AS?

 

[fairy_girl]

I tend to have a flight or flight response to loud noises. I try to stay away from family members who are too loud and when I start to get the feeling that I'm going to spin out. I tend to remove myself from any loud noises by finding a quiet place to recharge mentally and then I go back to visiting with family.

As for myself having children, I choose not to because I fear that any I would have would have a much worse case then my own version. If I can't handle any noise why do people think that I want to willingly deal with a crying baby?