Not sure what to make of this.

[Metalhead]

Throughout my Christmas with my parents, my mother could literally not go two minutes without making commentary about how much she wished I would shave my beard off. I keep my beard well groomed and well maintained, but she made it perfectly clear that she wants me to be her Ken doll and that she believes I should not have a beard at all.

Earlier today, I told her I would not shave it off. She replied by saying that I was the only person who was making a big deal out of it. What a narcissist she is.

There is no way to talk reason with people like this. They reject reason when it gets in the way of what they want. I cannot confront her about anything she says or does, because she will respond with lying to my face and telling me I remember things differently than they actually happened. I cannot win with her.

 

[unperson]

She's your beard! thass why she's jealous.

 

[Metalhead]

She's your beard! thass why she's jealous.

My beard is badass. My mother is not badass. Yet I still feel a need to take her seriously in the face of all of this. Hell, if I could be adopted by a normal parent, that would be nice, but that is not going to happen now.

 

[OkRad]

Sometimes relatives say stuff. I notice this, too. I try really hard to think that sometimes people don't know exactly what to say to each other and just start talking. I don't know your mom but it depends on motive. Most of my relatives who just say stuff mean good but if your mom is a narcissist, it may be different.

I bet a lot of people like your beard. I think it looks nice in your drawing. It adds a touch of mystery. I think I would like a beard if I could grown one! :-D Men can hide in beards. Women can't hide under anything but makeup and I hate make up :-0 Beard on, Friend!

 

[Thinx]

Given the level of abuse you suffered, I am surprised you spend time with your mother for any reason. Never mind the latest totally predictable insult or put down, why are you there to receive it? Why are you still complaining to others about how mean she is? We can't stop you going there and collecting insults, only you can do that.

I know it's a difficult time with covid, but hope is in sight with vaccines. You can't change your mother, she doesn't care what you think, you can see when you look around that contrary to popular myth, parents are sometimes very toxic, including yours , you will have to decide what to do that's best for yourself.

 

[Metalhead]

Given the level of abuse you suffered, I am surprised you spend time with your mother for any reason. Never mind the latest totally predictable insult or put down, why are you there to receive it? Why are you still complaining to others about how mean she is? We can't stop you going there and collecting insults, only you can do that.

I know it's a difficult time with covid, but hope is in sight with vaccines. You can't change your mother, she doesn't care what you think, you can see when you look around that contrary to popular myth, parents are sometimes very toxic, including yours , you will have to decide what to do that's best for yourself.

You are correct, but she has supplied me with financial support over the last year when my office was shut down over the pandemic. I owe her my attention over that much. I knew there were strings attached and I feel like I sold a part of my soul to keep my apartment.

 

[Thinx]

You are correct, but she has supplied me with financial support over the last year when my office was shut down over the pandemic. I owe her my attention over that much. I knew there were strings attached and I feel like I sold a part of my soul to keep my apartment.

I don't think you owe her anything. If she's already paid up, why spend time with her? Another point to consider might be, while you are spending on devices and entertainment equipment, you could be saving your money to be independent. Why not sit down and examine your finances and decide how that can happen.

 

[Metalhead]

I don't think you owe her anything. If she's already paid up, why spend time with her? Another point to consider might be, while you are spending on devices and entertainment equipment, you could be saving your money to be independent. Why not sit down and examine your finances and decide how that can happen.

You are very correct. I have a shopping addiction on top of an alcohol addiction on top of a sexual addiction. I need to pull myself together seriously.

 

[Thinx]

You are very correct. I have a shopping addiction on top of an alcohol addiction on top of a sexual addiction. I need to pull myself together seriously.

Yes, in a way you do, but I think you are also counterproductively hard on yourself at times too. It's very difficult to reparent yourself when role models have been so poor. Money and gifts have been offered instead of affection and guidance, abuse has been allowed and supported. The child you were has been very confused and traumatised. Hard to learn how to kindly parent after all that. However, how else will things get better?

What about researching parenting strengths, good parenting, advice on handling teens, positive parenting etc, and on re parenting yourself after trauma and abuse? Do it for an hour or so every day. Learn about it. Act on it.

 

[paloftoon]

Sometimes relatives say stuff. I notice this, too. I try really hard to think that sometimes people don't know exactly what to say to each other and just start talking. I don't know your mom but it depends on motive. Most of my relatives who just say stuff mean good but if your mom is a narcissist, it may be different.

I bet a lot of people like your beard. I think it looks nice in your drawing. It adds a touch of mystery. I think I would like a beard if I could grown one! :-D Men can hide in beards. Women can't hide under anything but makeup and I hate make up :-0 Beard on, Friend!

Don't try to hide in make up. Try to emulate yourself like Shania Twain!

 

[paloftoon]

You won't be able to get out of this situation until you are able to live independently basically. In your situation, if you don't feel attached to any strings, consider walking out if she continually harasses you on something so small. Go visit other family instead if you can. Maybe, if you know this is going to happen, can you arrange to spend time with a friend on some of the holidays instead?

 

[unperson]

dodging 'mom' at xmas time aint that easy, i only escaped by moving to the other side of the country.

 

[Judge]

When are you going to get a haircut? Your sideburns are too long! When are you going to let your hair grow longer? A beard? Ewwww....when are you going to shave that off? LOL, yeah I've heard all that before.

Narcissism? I was thinking along the lines of something more basic: Mothers. It's what they do. That even in adulthood they still see us as "their baby". With some weird, perhaps subconscious drive to keep us that way.

I guess I began to get off the hook back in 1978, when my brother left the Navy and came home, with a beard that rivaled the Maharishi or a member of ZZ Top. After that Mom kind of lost interest in my appearance.

 

[Aspychata]

It seems you just have to deal with the fact you may have a tab of addictive personality. Don't look at it in terms of this, and this and this.
l kicked a tough one but l focused on what l was running away from in my life. It sounds like your mother keeps you actively running and hence the feeling of wanting to submerge in *addictions*.
Here she is again in your beard so to speak. And financially she keeps you there so she can skewer you once again with mommy dearest demands, put downs, and leave you raw emotionally. But my mom goes back and forth on that tactic. Distance and time has released me somewhat from that rat maze. But l feel strongly you can get through this.☺

 

[Metalhead]

Well, when I move into my new house next month, the need for financial support from my mother will be none. The rent in my current apartment is outrageously high, I only stayed here as long as I did because my grandmother lived nearby, and now that grandma is dead, I have no reason to keep living in this outrageously overpriced city.

 

[Mia]

I cannot win with her.

I'm glad it will be soon for you Kagamine, that you'll be able to finally cut some ties. Although it's good that she helped you. Seems as if her methods of control are lessening

Here's a visit to my family home after not seeing her for a month:

Walk in through the door, greeted by Mom: 'Hi Mia, is that a new coat, it's a strange colour!' (It was brown). That's a weird purse Mia, what's it made of? Grabs purse and looks at it.

Taking off coat, "that's an odd pattern for a blouse, why are two buttons undone, I can see your skin? This button looks like it's coming off, pulls loose button off, is that a stain? Those look impractical, looking at my shoes, you spend too much money on clothes". Oh Hi Mom, good to see you too.