Not sure how to handle this...

[LostInSilentHill]

So, I'm not very good with handling people who are upset. When it's something small, I can usually feign sympathy and give very uncomfortable hugs and that enough. But...

Well a few days ago my step-father passed away (suicide), and while this was quite a shock when I first heard about it, I recovered pretty quickly. Despite knowing him for 20 odd years, I never really formed an attachment to him, so his death didn't really affect me. Unfortunately, it affected my family rather more, especially my brother and mother who were the ones to find him.

The last two days I've spent over at my mother house with the family as they grieved and it's been hard. I am very uncomfortable around them when they are crying, the hugs are very long (with everybody, even people I don't normally touch), and everyone is telling me they love me and I have to say it back (I hate saying it, don't know why).

Eventually, someone is going to question why I'm not crying, or even upset. I've mentioned that I am autistic to several people, but it's a lot of family and I don't want to have to keep bringing it up, especially since my mother refuses to believe my diagnosis (She is the only one, everyone else either already knew or accept it very readily).

It's only been two days and I'm already at my wits end. How much longer is this going to go on? What should I do, is there something specific you need to do in this kind of situation? Will the funeral help matters? If so, it's not till January...

 

[Nerdpride20950]

I hate to have to tell you this, but it's probably not going to get better anytime soon! When my grandmother, my aunt, and my mother died (not all at the same time) I had to just bear down and rough it out. It helps that I'm a man in Western society because 'guys don't cry' is just accepted. But I still had to put up with a lot of hugs, kisses, and etc. from relatives and friends of the family. I hadn't yet been diagnosed so I had so guilt as to why I didn't feel the way everyone thought I should.

My advice to you is to just keep accepting the 'comfort' they offer and if anyone asks about not crying, etc. say that you tend to grieve in private. Many people are inclined to accept private grief and then you don't have to keep explaining your autism over and over.

Hope this advice helps and sorry about your family's loss.

 

[Suzanne]

I hear you very much!

When my brother in law died, I was devastated and did cry, but after 2 week's or even less, it faded, but my husband was upset for longer and the trouble was and is, that I remembered vividly what a nasty person my brother in law was, but my husband sort of forgot that and just felt the sheer loss and reacted; he is not given to crying and so, it was really hard to see him crying and I tried to show sympathy and think I succeeded and really that is all you can do; is behave as though you care and the, excuse yourself and escape to your room or somewhere quiet and breath and be YOU.

I suppose the reason why your mother does not accept your diagnosis, is because she sees that it is a reflection of her when she carried you; perhaps thinking: where did I go wrong? But without actually looking at her wonderful daughter and seeing her positive qualities; she is superimposing the idea that you are mentally handicapped and that is bad news. Such a shame when people go on those terms, because they could easily be a help, rather than an hinderance.

 

[LostInSilentHill]

I suppose the reason why your mother does not accept your diagnosis, is because she sees that it is a reflection of her when she carried you; perhaps thinking: where did I go wrong? But without actually looking at her wonderful daughter and seeing her positive qualities; she is superimposing the idea that you are mentally handicapped and that is bad news. Such a shame when people go on those terms, because they could easily be a help, rather than an hinderance.

That sound right, she seems to have a very flawed memory of me as a child and teenager.

 

[The Penguin]

Sorry to hear what happened.

My uncle passed away last week. I had to fly to the service last weekend. Now I am on the aircraft waiting for my plane to take off while writing this message to go home.

It was hard for my grandmother but offer as much support I can. I don't know how to comfort people but I did help her for the home and other things. She was thankfull I did that.

I write more when my plane lands.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

What did he die to? Depression?

In this situation someone asks you why you're not crying etc just tell them you express your grief through other means.

All you can do in this situation is be around for your family, comfort them - even if that doesn't come naturally because at the end of the day they will remember if you weren't supportive when something else really effects you. Maybe do some practical things for them, help make food, clean the house or go to the shops with them, things like that.

 

[LostInSilentHill]

What did he die to? Depression?

I think so, my parents fought a lot about money and stuff; also he started to drink.

In this situation someone asks you why you're not crying etc just tell them you express your grief through other means.

All you can do in this situation is be around for your family, comfort them - even if that doesn't come naturally because at the end of the day they will remember if you weren't supportive when something else really effects you. Maybe do some practical things for them, help make food, clean the house or go to the shops with them, things like that.

That's what I've been trying to do. The problem with doing practical things is that last time my mother was very upset and I did that, she accused me of being cold. She told me I wasn't supporting her, even though I cleaned and helped her around the house. She expects me to offer emotional support but I can't and she doesn't listen when I tell her why. Perhaps, with so many people around to comfort her she won't notice it as much.

 

[toothless]

So, I'm not very good with handling people who are upset. When it's something small, I can usually feign sympathy and give very uncomfortable hugs and that enough. But...

Well a few days ago my step-father passed away (suicide), and while this was quite a shock when I first heard about it, I recovered pretty quickly. Despite knowing him for 20 odd years, I never really formed an attachment to him, so his death didn't really affect me. Unfortunately, it affected my family rather more, especially my brother and mother who were the ones to find him.

The last two days I've spent over at my mother house with the family as they grieved and it's been hard. I am very uncomfortable around them when they are crying, the hugs are very long (with everybody, even people I don't normally touch), and everyone is telling me they love me and I have to say it back (I hate saying it, don't know why).

Eventually, someone is going to question why I'm not crying, or even upset. I've mentioned that I am autistic to several people, but it's a lot of family and I don't want to have to keep bringing it up, especially since my mother refuses to believe my diagnosis (She is the only one, everyone else either already knew or accept it very readily).

It's only been two days and I'm already at my wits end. How much longer is this going to go on? What should I do, is there something specific you need to do in this kind of situation? Will the funeral help matters? If so, it's not till January...

im just like you,i look very out of place at funerals because i go into my own world and can do anything from laugh away at my thoughts to zoning out at the different colours and shapes i see while at the funeral [i have screwy visual perception],i dont feel for death at all,i just get confused by it.

itll take a few months for things to calm down but just be patient,as you cant rush their feelings and grieving behavior unfortunately as much as it is frustrating for you.

you should have a look for a biography from someone with autism who experienced it like yourself and give it to your mum to read,it might help your mum to relate your thinking and behavior to your autism,but be patient and if she never agrees you cant make her think anything but remember you did get a diagnosis from a professional and your mum isnt trained to diagnose autism so id say your mum would be ignorant and judging you with an untrained opinion.
its how you view yourself that counts.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

Yes, sorry to hear your news.

It has now been generally accepted that there are no right or wrong ways to grieve, although there are certain behaviours that can be a cause for concern, but that's not relevant here.

We all grieve in different ways, and saying you grieve privately is acceptable. Not everybody gushes emotion in public, even NT people; in fact, if you're sitting there quietly, not saying much, that in itself can be a sign of grieving as, for all they know, you could be reminiscing, or contemplating the person's life.

Some people take longer for the signs of bereavement to come out, so you can always put it down to that if pressed for an explanation; one sign is denial, the realisation hitting the person later.

If the family has some kind of faith, you can always say your stepfather is in a better place, unless, of course, your family's religion says otherwise.

As this was your stepfather, not your real father, were you close? If there were issues in your relationship with him that others know about, or you just weren't that close, you can tell them that. If there were issues, such as disappointment in that he wasn't the "daddy" you'd hoped for, you may genuinely have already done your grieving, albeit for a different reason (grieving for the father/daughter relationship you never had etc.).

Your mother's denial of your condition is very common. Having a "disabled" child happens to other people, not yourself. There was a time when autism was thought to be due to poor parenting, so she may be on the defensive, knowing she did nothing wrong. Or, conversely, she may be feeling guilty as she did do something during pregnancy that has nothing to do with your condition, but she's pinning the blame onto that (something harmless, such a a food craving, or falling over; I used to work with people with learning disabilities, and you'd be surprised at the things people blame their children's conditions on)!

 

[The Penguin]

Back home now.

I never really formed an attachment to him, so his death didn't really affect me.

Something I can relate. I have a very large family and heard many people passed away over time. But I had no strong connection with these people so it would be like me attending an random stranger funeral.

I going to make a guess and event like this might happen before with someone else in the past? if so, I would hope your family would understand your not a emotionless person. You just have a different way to cope with things.

Back to my comment I said about my grandmother. I didn't know the right things to say to comfort her. I just listen. She know I'm not good with emotional support but I think she valued just the fact I listen to her.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

Sorry, I've just realised I missed a bit in your post LostInSilentHill, you stated you weren't close to your stepfather!

I'll leave the relevant bit in though, as it could be useful for somebody else in a similar situation.

 

[LostInSilentHill]

Thank you all for your replies, this has been quite helpful. I will continue offering support to my family and will be prepared if asked about my mourning process.