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Not exactly sure where to post this....

Ok.... but what if you wanted to surprise your partner...? I don’t want to wade in there.... but I’d have thought that sorting kitchen would be a good thing.... not to ask prior as it would ruin the ‘surprise ‘ element but to helpsoty...

You need to understand that ASD people are different than NTs(neurotypicals). We think differently, we see the world differently, we understand things differently. Most of us don't like surprises and that's a fact easily seen in this thread. There are already too many confusing event going on around us. Maybe I will try to show you this on example.

Imagine please one of the most stressing days you ever had. Your boss complained loudly about you at work. All of the lights turned red when you were to pass. All the passer-bies were sending you cutting remark. Your co-workers were sending you weird faces throughout the day and laughing behind your back. First it was too hot, then suddenly too cold and too rainy for your taste. After this long-long stressing day you come back home at night, wet and tired, knowing full-well that you'll come back to be given a warm meal by your loved one, then spend like always a nice, quiet evening cuddling and watching TV.

You're surprised by a chaos at the house. When you were out, your partner organised a party and went to sleep without cleaning anything. The kitchen especially looks disgusting and if you want to eat something before sleep, you need to clean it all.

How do you feel? Frustrated, angry, exhausted? Confused because he never before did something like this?

Of course, it may not be the same as how I described it. I'm most of the time rather bad with seeing the world through others', especially NTs', eyes.

The thing is, some stuff you like is going to be hated by your partner. You like peppers, he can't stand them. You'd like to surprise him, he may get a meltdown due to unpredictability of this behaviour.

I don't write it to scare you. I just write it to let you know that he IS different than you. The key here is communication. Open communication. Talk to him. If you're confused - ask. If you're not sure of something - ask. Try not to be judgmental and let him know that he can do the same. Just - get to know him and let him get to know yourself.

NT/Aspie relationship can be hard but definitely worth it.

If you'd like to surprise him that much... surprise him by being open to him and to his needs and quirks. Understanding. Loving. Read about ASD to understand it better too.
 
My partner sometimes moves things - letters, for example - and it really grates on me because then I don't know where they are! Same goes for always putting the wooden spoon and tin opener in the wrong friggin drawer...

I would agree with the others and say ASK FIRST. Don't assume he will be pleased, because chances are he will not be. As disorganised as it may seem to you, it may be that everything is exactly where he wants it to be.
 
I’ve been given the key to my (Aspie) partners house.... I live in my house but it’s stressful due to an never ending divorce and issues with my children.... and he lives on his own....

He’s away on a trip with his brother for two weeks....
He’s ‘given’ me a set of keys to ‘come here when it gets too much at home’....
We’ve been getting very close for a long while... buying stuff for the house and he wants me to choose everything.... which is not as wild an idea as you might think, as our tastes are similar....

My question is this.... I would love to re-organise the kitchen so that everything is sorted..(it’s VERY messy) plates and dishes and glasses all in every cupboard... food stuffs in with mugs etc - you get the idea...

I’m not sure how this would go down... ‘I’ Am the organiser.... but I don’t want to do this and it’s not wanted... do you think he likes it all mixed up... or do you think it stresses him..... his garage is all sorted and neat with everything in its place.... I’d like to surprise him by sorting it for him... but I don’t know...?

Would you like a ‘help’ like this in your house...?!? Or would you find it a horrible idea.... I’d like as many views as possible as I’m totally clueless here....!! Thanks
Hi
 
Sorry mean to continue there!! .. I wish I knew you personally. . I am in a similar situation.
My partner is letting me decorate his house , but then doesn't let me do stuff because it dresses him ..he needs slowly coaxing .. hes not diagnosed but ironicely, as I read more and more about his traits, I wondered if I am on the spectrum too .. !! My doctor said this morning why bother having it on your medical records when you could just be aware and know you think a little (and it's a little) differently.
I would like to know how your relationship progresses , I have one big area I have an issue with , and generally find him tiring ... I try to enjoy the fun side and will need endless patience to deal with this incredibly lonnng redecorating process. It's reallllly stressing him out ! And me too!
 
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The cutlery would end up embedded in their skin. I am fussy with what cutlery I will eat with so if they got the wrong ones there would be hell to pay.

I have to say that I've wanted to do that more than once to the person who happily donated the relatives favourite cup, plate and cutlery to a local charity. Replacing it with new things! If someone took my favourite knife, fork and spoon I would certainly do something drastic.

The dishes and cutlery were in terrible shape, and coated with grime, as the relative couldn't see very well when she cleaned them. The other person thought they were helping, when their 'help' wasn't wanted.
 
Sorry mean to continue there!! .. I wish I knew you personally. . I am in a similar situation.
My partner is letting me decorate his house , but then doesn't let me do stuff because it dresses him ..he needs slowly coaxing .. hes not diagnosed but ironicely, as I read more and more about his traits, I wondered if I am on the spectrum too .. !! My doctor said this morning why bother having it on your medical records when you could just be aware and know you think a little (and it's a little) differently.
I would like to know how your relationship progresses , I have one big area I have an issue with , and generally find him tiring ... I try to enjoy the fun side and will need endless patience to deal with this incredibly lonnng redecorating process. It's reallllly stressing him out ! And me too!
Funny you say that you ‘wonder if you are a little Aspie too’.... I get on so well with him, that *Hes* asked me if I’m on the spectrum ....is that really a self mirror thing...? Anyway I’ll chat to him about tidying and NOT reorganisation of the kitchen.... better idea...?!?!
 
I'm sorry but you asked for advice. You've had it in spades, yet you're still waiting for someone to agree with you! What part of surprises are a bad idea don't you get?
It’s not that I don’t get it... I do... yep, no grey area there... also I’m not looking for someone to agree with me.... nope, not that at all.....
what I was trying to get was ‘why’ to help me understand the thought/reaction behind it.... if it just a reorganisation of things... the fact that it was unexpected.... perhaps an intrusion... perhaps no one has helped organise my partner before, he’s always lived on his own, and as other areas of his life Home are sorted/organised, it’s not a giant leap to think that maybe he’d appreciate the help.
 
It’s not that I don’t get it... I do... yep, no grey area there... also I’m not looking for someone to agree with me.... nope, not that at all.....
what I was trying to get was ‘why’ to help me understand the thought/reaction behind it.... if it just a reorganisation of things... the fact that it was unexpected.... perhaps an intrusion... perhaps no one has helped organise my partner before, he’s always lived on his own, and as other areas of his life Home are sorted/organised, it’s not a giant leap to think that maybe he’d appreciate the help.
Yes it is the fact that it's unexpected that is the major issue, as everyone has said. And even more so if he's never had a partner before. And yes he may well feel like you're invading his privacy. In fact since you say that other areas are very organised, why would he not be the same in the kitchen? I can understand you wanting to give him a nice surprise when he comes home, but it could backfire badly. If you ask him first he may be delighted with the idea and it'll still be a surprise when he actually sees what you've done. Aspies tend to mentally prepare for every situation beforehand so they know how to react when the time comes. It's the unexpected that triggers negative emotions like anger and anxiety.
 
It’s not that I don’t get it... I do... yep, no grey area there... also I’m not looking for someone to agree with me.... nope, not that at all.....
what I was trying to get was ‘why’ to help me understand the thought/reaction behind it.... if it just a reorganisation of things... the fact that it was unexpected.... perhaps an intrusion... perhaps no one has helped organise my partner before, he’s always lived on his own, and as other areas of his life Home are sorted/organised, it’s not a giant leap to think that maybe he’d appreciate the help.
Yes it is the fact that it's unexpected that is the major issue, as everyone has said. And even more so if he's never had a partner before. And yes he may well feel like you're invading his privacy. In fact since you say that other areas are very organised, why would he not be the same in the kitchen? I can understand you wanting to give him a nice surprise when he comes home, but it could backfire badly. If you ask him first he may be delighted with the idea and it'll still be a surprise when he actually sees what you've done. Aspies tend to mentally prepare for every situation beforehand so they know how to react when the time comes. It's the unexpected that triggers negative emotions like anger and anxiety.
Thanks... full explanation appreciated...!!
:)
 
Thanks..... I’m sooo glad it seems to be all for ‘Don’t touch’....!!
I think it is really thoughtful of you to post here asking this. Because many people would probably just do it. Sorry if that sounded patronising.... I just wanted to let you know
 
My friend doesn't like surprises either and I don't even know if he's aspie or not. But he kind of indicated that in the past surprises had been unpleasant. So I was hoping to provide positive surprises so he would learn that a surprise doesn't have to be bad. I once asked him if he felt the things I sent him were junk and this was why he didn't want any surprises from me. He said: "why would you think that? Everything you've ever sent me has been awesome." So now I accept he just doesn't like surprises period and no further attempts will be made unless it's something like baking him a cake he loves.
 

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