Not exactly sure where to post this....

[ladybug]

I’ve been given the key to my (Aspie) partners house.... I live in my house but it’s stressful due to an never ending divorce and issues with my children.... and he lives on his own....

He’s away on a trip with his brother for two weeks....
He’s ‘given’ me a set of keys to ‘come here when it gets too much at home’....
We’ve been getting very close for a long while... buying stuff for the house and he wants me to choose everything.... which is not as wild an idea as you might think, as our tastes are similar....

My question is this.... I would love to re-organise the kitchen so that everything is sorted..(it’s VERY messy) plates and dishes and glasses all in every cupboard... food stuffs in with mugs etc - you get the idea...

I’m not sure how this would go down... ‘I’ Am the organiser.... but I don’t want to do this and it’s not wanted... do you think he likes it all mixed up... or do you think it stresses him..... his garage is all sorted and neat with everything in its place.... I’d like to surprise him by sorting it for him... but I don’t know...?

Would you like a ‘help’ like this in your house...?!? Or would you find it a horrible idea.... I’d like as many views as possible as I’m totally clueless here....!! Thanks

 

[tree]

Has he expressed dis-satisfaction with the way
the stuff in his house is now?

Has he ever said, for instance, something like: "I wish
the house was as easy to deal with as the garage. I know
what to do there, but I am lost when it comes to the kitchen"?

I personally would not like my kitchen stuff rearranged while I was gone,
but my stuff isn't mingled together the way you describe.

Could you ask him if he'd like for you to sort his belongings into
categories for him/or with him sometime?

 

[ladybug]

Has he expressed dis-satisfaction with the way
the stuff in his house is now?

Has he ever said, for instance, something like: "I wish
the house was as easy to deal with as the garage. I know
what to do there, but I am lost when it comes to the kitchen"?

I personally would not like my kitchen stuff rearranged while I was gone,
but my stuff isn't mingled together the way you describe.

Could you ask him if he'd like for you to sort his belongings into
categories for him/or with him sometime?

I know what you mean... I just thought it would be a nice surprise for when he gets back....
do Aspies like surprises ...? (I’ve reread that and I know it could sound condescending- but I truly don’t mean it like tha...)
Would he find a surprise like that stressful....?

 

[tree]

From what I have heard from other people,
and know about myself, I would say "SURPRISE"
is one of the least favorite things an aspie could
get, unless the path for it has been well laid out.

Example:

 

[ladybug]

From what I have heard from other people,
and know about myself, I would say "SURPRISE"
is one of the least favorite things an aspie could
get, unless the path for it has been well laid out.

Example:

View attachment 39025

Ok... I get what you mean...
We were going out for dinner tonight... I got 4 texts today to remind me what time the table was booked for....

I am always on time or early.....

so I got there early, to find him all ready 30 mins before we needed to go, as the restaurant is at the bottom of his street it’s a 2 min walk... jacket and scarf all on..... ready to go...
We arrived early.....

 

[Ambi]

I do NOT like surprises like that! I may like the same end result if asked about it first. The change can be difficult/stressful to encounter and get used to - if told/warned beforehand, then I can mentally prepared for it. Also, he just may not want change at all.

I think you should ask him. If you don't ask him, you risk making him feel you violated his space. Why would you want to risk that? Find out what kinds of surprises he likes, or if he doesn't like them at all, before you do anything - that way you know for sure you are doing something that he will consider to be a "present" rather than a stressor.

 

[Judge]

I can only say that with me, that would be a very bad idea. Something between hazardous and fatal.

 

[the_tortoise]

I’m not sure how this would go down... ‘I’ Am the organiser.... but I don’t want to do this and it’s not wanted... do you think he likes it all mixed up... or do you think it stresses him..... his garage is all sorted and neat with everything in its place.... I’d like to surprise him by sorting it for him... but I don’t know...?

Would you like a ‘help’ like this in your house...?!? Or would you find it a horrible idea.... I’d like as many views as possible as I’m totally clueless here....!! Thanks

Do you know for a fact that his kitchen is not organized in some way that makes sense to him?

Even if he has not deliberately organized things in a way that seems haphazard to most people, he may know exactly where every item is right now, and changing it would utterly destroy his ability to navigate the kitchen.

Even if I wanted someone to help me, I would want to be there to give feedback, since organizational strategies that work for my helper might not work for me.

I would be very upset and freaked out if my partner organized my cupboards for me without asking. Even if they used the perfect strategy, suited perfectly to my brain, I would freak out because I struggle with that kind of unexpected change and also because having control over my living space is essential to my sense of safety in the world.

I would want my partner to ask me if organizing my stuff while I was away was okay, and then if I said "yes" it would be a big surprise because I'd have no idea what it would look like when I came back.

But that is just me.

 

[isthisreallife]

I don't like surprises like that. My partner constantly moves my stuff, to the point that I'll have near meltdowns when I'm unable to find something because I know precisely where I left it. Even if it's moved one shelf down I won't see it because, again, I know where I left it last, lol. He could be different, so I'd have a conversation about how he feels about things like that. Once you get a feel for his boundaries you'll know how to surprise him, he seems like a kind person in any case

 

[Keigan]

Simply ask first, he clearly wants you comfortable in the space so asking is very respectful and shows that you want to add value.

 

[Fitzo]

I Agree with everyone else on this. I would hate someone to do this in my house even though it might be an improvement. I would definitely run it by him first and be careful how you phrase the question. He may think you're implying he's dirty/untidy.
I had a house sitter last year who cleaned my ensuite bathroom and took everything out of my bookcase and rearranged it. It was a real struggle to contain my anger when I returned and saw what she'd done. I won't be asking her back!

 

[pjcnet]

Many aspies don't like certain surprises and they often struggle to cope with change more than most, but aspies are all different and can have varying levels of different traits. Some aspies may be perfectly fine with one particular change, while the same change could cause issues for others. He may well prefer his cupboards left as they are and after arranging things neatly you could for instance be told that he can't find stuff any more even though it should be a lot easier for him. Of course he could appreciate it, but without knowing him it's impossible to be certain. If someone did this for me it personally wouldn't bother me, I would be polite and say "thanks", but I wouldn't really care whether the cupboards were mixed up or in order, also after a while they'd probably end up mixed up again. If someone tidied up my messy paperwork it would annoy me however.

In summary unless you can confirm that he would appreciate the cupboards re-organised, or at least that he wouldn't be bothered by it, it's best not to risk it, you could of course just ask him over the phone, but obviously it would spoil the surprise. Sorry I can't be more helpful and best of luck!

 

[OlLiE]

i'm going to move in with my fiancé, i've already told her she can have the entire house to do with as she wishes (i'm not interested by what furniture looks like, as long as everything has its place) - but one room is off limits and mine to do with as i please:

- if she would change something to it without asking, i' be furious
- if she would ask to change it, i would feel that she is encroaching on the one area that is mine after having given her the run of the house, i would be upset
- i'm more efficiently organised than she is, so if she would run out of room to store something and she asked to put it in my room, i would refuse

so no, definitely wouldn't do it without asking,
- if asking/requesting, make sure it is a real question/request, i.e. a question whose outcome you accept, and not on of those questions/requests where the question is mostly cosmetic and you are actually just being 'polite' and intend to do whatever you want anyway
- if he says no, accept it, don't try to negotiate it

my gf sometimes has trouble between distinguishing between:
- advice and an order: advice is something that i take into account, not an 'order', i often get the feedback that i 'never listen' to her advice, i did listen, i just didn't agree
- question and an order: some questions are so loaded that they seem to be more of an intention for me to do something rather than an actual request for reply/decide, i refuse on principle

these emotional manipulation techniques tend to bother me and generally would cause me to between annoyed and angry

 

[Rasendra]

I mostly agree with the above statements. Surprises for me equals bad stuff lol. Even good surprises are bad. If I know the surprise ahead of time then I can enjoy it but if it's sprung on me then I need time to accept it before I can even enjoy it. If it is good that is lol. If it is a 'bad surprise' then looking at a meltdown/shutdown possibly. My husband and I came to terms with telling me about surprises ahead of time when possible, though sometimes he still forgets, so it avoids a lot of problems.

Your best bet overall is communication though. I would think in any relationship it is important but with Aspies it is imperative I would think at least until you know well enough what is okay and what isn't acceptable for him. It seems reasonable that you might be able to negotiate something if not rearrange altogether the kitchen since it is a common area and he apparently wants you comfortable already. So my recommendation is avoid all surprises until you know his view on what surprises are acceptable.

The only surprises I am okay with is if my husband leaves notes/flowers/sweets he knows I like before work so I wake up to find it without an audience. But a rearranged room without having any input would not be something I would enjoy waking up to lol

 

[ladybug]

I do NOT like surprises like that! I may like the same end result if asked about it first. The change can be difficult/stressful to encounter and get used to - if told/warned beforehand, then I can mentally prepared for it. Also, he just may not want change at all.

I think you should ask him. If you don't ask him, you risk making him feel you violated his space. Why would you want to risk that? Find out what kinds of surprises he likes, or if he doesn't like them at all, before you do anything - that way you know for sure you are doing something that he will consider to be a "present" rather than a stressor.

Thanks.... I see what you mean... I just thought as he’s so organised in the garage... I would help sort the kitchen for him.....

 

[ladybug]

I can only say that with me, that would be a very bad idea. Something between hazardous and fatal.

Oh dear.... I’m beginning to see a common thread here..... ok, thanks Judge...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thanks.... I see what you mean... I just thought as he’s so organised in the garage... I would help sort the kitchen for him.....

I once read an article that I interpreted to mean... how messy people find things.

If i put my screwdriver in the garage I remember where I put it as I was physically carrying it and put it down. As I go back to it where it is sort of clicks in.

When my wife tidied up the garage.... it made perfect sense... but my memory of each item is gone.
Lots of memory trails,back and forwards learning the mess.. so I knew where it all was..

Now it's in a perfectly sensible box.. but which box?

It's not organised in a way I would normally think.

But yeh 'surprise' I've tidied up the kitchen for you = World War 3.

Obviously after World War 15, tired resignation is the best I can do.

 

[SusanLR]

I agree. Ask first. I would not want anyone re-arranging my stuff.
If I need help with something I ask if they could maybe help. I prefer to do things my way without help when possible.

I went through a similiar situation when I moved in with the man I live with. He IS a very poor housekeeper and I want things so organised and arranged.
I was afraid to touch anything outside of my room and bath that I pay for.
He is a car buff and the same...anything to do with the cars, he loved to work with and keep in order.
The rest of the house was a mess.
He decided he wanted a bigger house for two of us and it did nothing to help his disorganisation.

His side of the house I don't even walk into without knocking. My side he just barges in if he wants. Rude.
If I touched anything on his side he would hit the ceiling.
Same for me on my side now.
I hate what we call the common grounds of the middle of the house. It is dusty and messy. But, if I touched it, there would be hell to pay.
We have come to an agreement on the kitchen and dining area though. I guess since my rent includes use of the kitchen anytime maybe?
I can clean and arrange it as I want except for one cabinet where he keeps his medicines, vitamins, etc.
Understandable.
I can also do any outside work I want. Gardening, weeding, etc.
Truly the odd couple.

So, until you know for sure he would approve, I wouldn't touch a thing.

 

[ladybug]

I once read an article that i interpated to mean... how messy people find things.

If i put my screwdriver in the garage i remember where i put it as i was physically carryin it and ljt it down. As i go back to it where it is sort of clicks in.

When my wife tidied up the garage.... it made perfect sense... but my memory of each item is gone.
Lots of memorty trails,back and forwards learning the mess.. so i knew where it all was..

Now its in a perfetly sensible box.. but which box?

Its not organised in a way i would normally think.

But yeh 'surprise' ive tidied up the kitchen for you = world war 3.

Obviously after world war 15, tired resignation is the best i can do.

Ha ha ha..... but his garage *IS* tidy....!! I just thought it would be easier if say, all the oven dishes were together.... and the dried foods etc..... !! But I totally understand the ‘my space-my rules’ thoughts.....

 

[ladybug]

I agree. Ask first. I would not want anyone re-arranging my stuff.
If I need help with something I ask if they could maybe help. I prefer to do things my way without help when possible.

I went through a similiar situation when I moved in with the man I live with. He IS a very poor housekeeper and I want things so organised and arranged.
I was afraid to touch anything outside of my room and bath that I pay for.
He is a car buff and the same...anything to do with the cars, he loved to work with and keep in order.
The rest of the house was a mess.
He decided he wanted a bigger house for two of us and it did nothing to help his disorganisation.

His side of the house I don't even walk into without knocking. My side he just barges in if he wants. Rude.
If I touched anything on his side he would hit the ceiling.
Same for me on my side now.
I hate what we call the common grounds of the middle of the house. It is dusty and messy. But, if I touched it, there would be hell to pay.
We have come to an agreement on the kitchen and dining area though. I guess since my rent includes use of the kitchen anytime maybe?
I can clean and arrange it as I want except for one cabinet where he keeps his medicines, vitamins, etc.
Understandable.
I can also do any outside work I want. Gardening, weeding, etc.
Truly the odd couple.

So, until you know for sure he would approve, I wouldn't touch a thing.

Thanks..... I’m sooo glad it seems to be all for ‘Don’t touch’....!!