Not a nice person

[Biblio-Love]

My husband and I got into an argument, one particularly ongoing argument that we have - basically, he has issues with me not being "nice" enough. He'll go through a litany of complaints about how I wasn't nice enough to invite my parents' friends over to our house, or because I wasn't nice enough to offer a car ride to our neighbour's daughter, or nice enough ... The list goes on and on. But I have never been nice or mean to most people. I tell him I am indifferent to everyone except a select few. I try to explain that I get physically exhausted if I have to be everything to everyone. I don't get it. How do most people do this! Am I a horrible person for not being interested and neighbourly to every ****ing person who crosses my path?

 

[Ereth]

Hello, Biblio!

Is your husband aware of your ASD and how it affects you? This might be an issue best discussed in counseling together. He doesn't sound like he knows just how insular Aspies can be, and I'm not sure he'll understand unless he sits down and talks with you and a therapist (if you have one).

Perhaps you could split the "nice" duties in half: he could invite Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So to dinner, and you could pick up Neighbor Girl.

 

[Peace]

There is nothing wrong with the way you are, and you describe it very well. I hope that your husband can come to understand you better or just accept and love you for who you are. It sounds as though you probably accept him, even though he does want to invite people over, or give others rides.
Often times it is difficult to understand that the world can be anything other than the way we see it.

 

[Soup]

No. You're fine. Many people who perform all those social niceties are wearing a smile they do not feel. Many of them are worn out & tired from all the social pressure. Many of them are nice while their guest is visiting, then complain incessantly about them as soon as they leave. You do not have to cultivate fake niceness & fake caring (which really is not niceness or caring at all). You are sincere & that is already more than a great many people manage. You are not 'most people' (& neither are most people). The only person you can successfully be is yourself. HE is being not very nice at all for riding you like that.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I would make a guess that he was brought up by his family to think that one had to do those things.

 

[Jacki Cucinotta]

Hi Biblio. I think you are just fine the way you are. Sometimes it's good to be honest and sincere rather than being nice about everything as Soup says.

 

[Judge]

I would make a guess that he was brought up by his family to think that one had to do those things.

Makes me wonder about Neurotypical "culture"...the importance of keeping up appearances even if it contradicts certain realities. I'll never understand that.

My bad? No. My Aspie? I can accept that.

 

[Ereth]

I don't think the idea of doing kindnesses to one's neighbors is something that can be labeled as "neurotypical". Everyone wears some kind of public mask and/or adheres to rules established by society to be appropriate or ideal for given social scenarios, including us Aspies.

 

[King_Oni]

I don't think the idea of doing kindnesses to one's neighbors is something that can be labeled as "neurotypical". Everyone wears some kind of public mask and/or adheres to rules established by society to be appropriate or ideal for given social scenarios, including us Aspies.

While I agree that it's not something that's exclusively neurotypical... even aspies can live with certain ideals thought might have been part of growing up in a family.

I don't think that "everyone" wears some kind of public mask and as such adheres to rules established by society... the prison system globally tends to disagree. And while these systems tend to establish and enforce rules upon those in such system, to get there, most people clearly drop the mask and act way out of line.

 

[Ereth]

If you reread, you'll notice the and/or in my sentence; you're missing the point. Everyone acts differently around different people. I don't suppose anyone here treats his or her grandparents the same way as one would a drinking buddy. This is what I mean by "masking" and "adhering to social rules." I apologize if I was unclear.

I survived middle school and the first part of high school because I suppressed what I consider to be my true self in order to avoid bullying. I wasn't able to be free until well into high school---that's when I stopped caring what people thought of me.

 

[Judge]

I don't think the idea of doing kindnesses to one's neighbors is something that can be labeled as "neurotypical".

In principle I'd agree. However is this what was actually happening? I don't think so. All I see is a husband attempting to force his sense of social conformity on his wife, while failing to recognize her social limitations. I see no nebulous "kindness" going on here. Kindness over such a situation would reflect the husband being able to acknowledge his wife's social limitations in consideration of her being on the spectrum. Which didn't happen by her account.

This is what I mean by Neurotypical behavior at least from my own perspective. The kind of crap I've had to deal with all my life. Where I'm told to play by their rules basically because they so. I've just never had the luxury of being able to demand from others to conform to my own sense of micromanaging kindness.

 

[Ereth]

You're right, of course, and I'm not saying that Biblio's husband isn't trying to get her to conform to his ideals about treatment of the neighbors. You said neurotypical "culture" includes the importance of keeping up appearances even if it contradicts certain realities.

I understand that this is from your perspective. All I'm saying is that non-ASD folks (and boy, I hate labels, but I have no choice here) don't have a monopoly on keeping up appearances contradictory to reality. We all do it.

 

[Soup]

All I'm saying is that non-ASD folks (and boy, I hate labels, but I have no choice here) don't have a monopoly on keeping up appearances contradictory to reality. We all do it.

My job requires me to be in NT drag sometimes. I have to hook on a Mona Lisa smile, dress in a NT-approved get-up & try to appear normal during parent/teacher interviews, staff meetings & board meetings. The last one is easiest since there are lots of people, I don't have to speak & everyone is focused on the matters at hand (usually nonsense). Thank goodness for formal cashmere hoodies!!!

 

[Ste11aeres]

I understand that this is from your perspective. All I'm saying is that non-ASD folks (and boy, I hate labels, but I have no choice here) don't have a monopoly on keeping up appearances contradictory to reality. We all do it.

I would add that not all neurotypicals place the same stock on keeping up appearances. It's something that seems to vary from culture to culture, from household to household, and from individual to individual. And what behavior exactly it is that is expected, definitely varies.

 

[Judge]

I would add that not all neurotypicals place the same stock on keeping up appearances. It's something that seems to vary from culture to culture, from household to household, and from individual to individual. And what behavior exactly it is that is expected, definitely varies.

No doubt. However I'm talking about "keeping up with appearances" with a scope only relative to a perceived notion of socialization protocols. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in previous posts. A dynamic that clearly defines the difference between Neurotypicals and Aspies.

Or are there actually Aspies who constantly try to impress their notion of social protocols on Neurotypicals? While only recently self-diagnosed, I've never had the inclination to push a socialization agenda (or lack thereof) on others. Just sounds completely foreign to me.

I've only been on the receiving end of this particular equation- my entire life. Make any sense?

 

[ghoulbler]

A quote by Noel Gallagher, talking about his brother, Liam:

"He's like a man with a fork in a world full of soup."

I felt we could all relate to that.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Thinking to do nice, helpful things for others does not come naturally to Aspies. I was raised to be considerate to other people and I was taught specific examples of how to do this. I do those things without really thinking about it now because I've been doing them for many years. But in this area I don't generalise very well and carry those same principles over to other (new) situations. I'll often think afterwards "gee i could have done/said so and so to show that I cared" and I'll make a mental note to do so next time the opportunity arises. My list of thoughtful tasks is gradually increasing over time as my experiences increase. I don't have any ideas on how to do any better than that. I'm doing my best and i continue to improve. What more can we ask of anyone? If someone wants more than that I think they are being unreasonable.

 

[Biblio-Love]

Thanks for your support everyone. I think I was having a pity party, just sometimes I find my husband unsympathetic to my circumstances. He, and he admits this, has high expectations of people. He loves me I know, and has to put up with a lot of neurotic **** from me, but sometimes his demands are a bit much. He thinks me lazy, rigid, stubborn, and selfish. I have MS and am an aspie, but he finds these things excuses to not try to be better and get better. And he has pushed me beyond what I think I am capable of and sometimes it works out, and sometimes with disasterous effect, it doesn't. Overall, he is a good man and takes care of my daughter and I so I shouldn't complain. He is an awesome father, and our marriage has gotten better over the last few years (since I've been seeing a therapist). I try so hard, but he doesn't see it. But in the end, I have to stay well and sane to be able to take care of those who matter most to me. People I barely know just don't register. I have enough going on. I can't be bothered, not do I want to, try to please everyone. This is why he thinks me selfish. I grew up in a home where my mother caters to everyone's needs, and my husband's mother is the same. But I can't, and won't, be that woman. Most of the time, I tell him to deal with it. His issue, not mine. But when a person you love looks you in the eye and says he is disappointed in you - it is hard, to say the least. I have my moments too... but as my therapist says, "it is ok for partners to disagree... just work on yourself and learn to hold your own and express your thoughts and feelings clearly and with respect." We both continue to work on this.

 

[Judge]

It's ok for a Neurotypical to be frustrated to our behaviors and traits. I know, having seen it up close and personal my whole life. However when they assume we can alter or overcome them simply because we should in accordance with their social protocols, it's not only unreasonable, but often impossible. I have certain traits I work on all the time. And others which I can barely suppress. Some I can mask to fool Neurotypicals, and others stick out like a sore thumb. No "attitude adjustment" will ever solve this. It's a permanent neurological condition.

And yet more often than not, it's simply not good enough. Work harder to act "normal"!

I'm not depressed. I just have a bad attitude! Work harder!

And that OCD? There's no place for that crap in this world. Just stop thinking like that. Work harder!

Sorry people....this thread just sticks in my craw on a number of levels. In real life no one ever really seemed to make an effort to accept me as I am. As if I could really change with just an attitude adjustment. I guess it's my pity party too. My bad. :banghead:

 

[Loomis]

Most aspies would agree honesty is preferable to niceness.