Nonstop Analyzing After Conversations Makes Me Hesitant to Actually Have Conversations

[cai24]

I've been trying to make an effort to talk to people more. Unfortunately, after every conversation, I analyze it for an hour, and I end up feeling horrible. I'm always left with a negative perception of how it went, even though the other person probably sees it as routine small talk. I don't know why my mind does this, but it's very frustrating. I start obsessing about what I said, whether I should have said something differently, if I messed up at all, etc. I know it's nonsensical, but I can't seem to break the habit. Does anyone else do this, and does it ever stop? This reaction alone is enough to make me never want to speak to anyone, because every interaction feels like a net negative. This is despite the fact that the conversations always seem pleasant, and I'm surprised at how nice some people are.

 

[Judge]

Absolutely. It's difficult enough to attempt to process whatever is said by one person in real time.

Then consider all the other sounds that may go with it. And further consider that some of us have deficits when it comes to multitasking, whether it involves the spoken word or not.

So inevitably at times I may feel compelled to "replay" whatever it was that I thought I heard, most often to ponder whether or not I made some kind of mistake or miscommunication.

Though IMO it's not nonsensical. It's just how we process speech in real time. Force of habit as well.

 

[Rodafina]

I start obsessing about what I said, whether I should have said something differently, if I messed up at all, etc. I know it's nonsensical, but I can't seem to break the habit....

This is despite the fact that the conversations always seem pleasant, and I'm surprised at how nice some people are.

This sounds like an "automatic negative thought." It's quite common among us and others with generalized anxiety. I ran myself through this exhausting cycle for 30 years.

What we tell ourselves does not always align with the facts of the situation and we are prone to "beat ourselves up," or create a negative story about ourselves. Because it feels bad and we worry, we can perseverate and just keep running the bad thoughts through our mind over and over. The more we tell ourselves things like "I was being so stupid..." or "they must think I'm so weird..." or "I suck at this..." the more our brain automatically reacts to uncomfortable situations with these messages.

Eventually, to make it stop, you have to break the cycle. If you can notice when you are doing it (which it sounds like you can), you have to tell yourself, "Stop." Once you stop the negative thought, you replace it with another... Something more like, "I am not confident about this interaction, but I did my best and it seemed pleasant. I did an okay job and I can try again." Another example is to replace the thought, "I messed up so much in that conversation," to: "I don't know if I messed up or not." And, leave the door open to the idea that you don't have to beat yourself up.

This process is the basis of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and can be done with the help of a therapist. There are also lots of resources online if you'd rather try to understand it on your own. I've attached a PDF of the general idea of automatic negative thoughts and cognitive distortions.

 

[TBRS1]

My oldest daughter does that. She was diagnosed with an attention disorder. She was prescribed something (can't member what) that she says is working like magic.

I used to do this also. In me, it was anxiety and a very bad self image. Two things happened, then it disappeared completely:
1. I found out what had caused the self image problems and to that fixed that.
2. I entered a phase in my life where I can control how much stress I have, so much less anxiety.

I don't know that either of these personal experiences can help you, but @Rodafina's suggestion is really good.

Meditation will help, too, I think.

 

[Outdated]

I used to do this also. In me, it was anxiety and a very bad self image.

I think that's probably the more pertinent point.

I also analyse every conversation I have for hours afterwards, sometimes for weeks afterwards, replaying it again and again in my mind. This doesn't trigger negative thoughts in me though, as often as not I'm quite pleased with myself and how I handled matters.

Hindsight always shows me ways I might have been able to do things better but I never start beating myself up over making a few mistakes.

 

[Masked Man]

I did used to do this too, but eventually I realized that for the most part, people don't care about you. They don't walk around thinking about you. They have their own lives and things they are thinking about. To me, that was liberating. So now, if I make a social mistake, I might curse myself for a minute but I pretty much just let it go. No one is going to care tomorrow.

 

[Shamar]

I've been trying to make an effort to talk to people more. Unfortunately, after every conversation, I analyze it for an hour, and I end up feeling horrible. I'm always left with a negative perception of how it went, even though the other person probably sees it as routine small talk. I don't know why my mind does this, but it's very frustrating. I start obsessing about what I said, whether I should have said something differently, if I messed up at all, etc. I know it's nonsensical, but I can't seem to break the habit. Does anyone else do this, and does it ever stop? This reaction alone is enough to make me never want to speak to anyone, because every interaction feels like a net negative. This is despite the fact that the conversations always seem pleasant, and I'm surprised at how nice some people are.

I do a little of this, but I almost always think of the perfect thing to say after the conversation is over.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

This sounds like an "automatic negative thought." It's quite common among us and others with generalized anxiety.

What we tell ourselves does not always align with the facts of the situation and we are prone to "beat ourselves up," or create a negative story about ourselves. Because it feels bad and we worry, we can perseverate and just keep running the bad thoughts through our mind over and over. The more we tell ourselves things like "I was being so stupid..." or "they must think I'm so weird..." or "I suck at this..." the more our brain automatically reacts to uncomfortable situations with these messages.

Well said.

@cai24... If I have anxiety, it is more of a "situational" rather than a "social". I don't have these issues, personally. Maybe I am too emotionally and socially naive to understand all the nuances of social conversation... I know I miss a lot of non-verbal communication. However, one, I tend to approach this with a sense of humor and two, I am not one that is concerned with what others are thinking... maybe because I don't have those skills to have it even be a thought. I can listen to what people say... and take it for "what" was said rather than "how" it was said. On one hand, I know it puts me at a disadvantage not understanding "intent", but on the other hand, it frees me of any of those negative thoughts. As one might say... "Blissfully unaware".

It's one thing to have someone accuse you of being "stupid" or "weird"...it might hurt your feelings in the moment. However saying it to yourself... and believing it... that damages you as a person. Time to "deprogram" yourself. It is a good thing to be self-aware of one's strengths and weaknesses, but make a point to focus on all the things you do well, and play towards those strengths. If your thinking is positive on the inside, then this will also project outwards towards others. Nobody likes to be around negative thinkers... people feel better around positivity. Project love, unity, and positivity...even if you have to fake it for a while to "reset" yourself... and those habits will become a part of you and your experiences with others will improve.

This world is in a dark place right now. When people come together with a shared consciousness of hate, despair, anger, and negativity it become contagious. No good comes of this. It is tearing us apart and ultimately may lead to our demise. We are way overdue for a "reset" and it starts by actively rejecting negativity.

 

[AspieChris]

I do it too. Analyzing every potential emotion that the other person might have expressed about what I said. Positive, negative, anger, fear, love, hate…… on and on. But after 50+ years I have become a great conversationalist. I don’t enjoy talking to people, but I’m very good at maintaining a conversation to the point that people generally enjoy talking to me.

I have become an actor, no different from any of tge greats of stage and screen. Its work that I don’t enjoy. But my trick is to look for the crumbs left behind from any conversation. It’s sort of like being a crime scene investigator. Basically it comes down to a couple of things, but if you can learn to make people laugh, they will remember you in a positive way. I generally try to insert a quick joke every minute or two and avoid specific declarations (such as hate or love). Saying things like “That’s not good” or “How could that be bad?” leaves the audience more open to enjoying my input.

Most of all, if that person avoids me later I’ll know I did it wrong. If they smile at me later, I must have done it correctly. Analyzing the interaction afterwards is actually very useful. In the same way an actor might watch a video of their performance, I have trained myself to fir in to society. It’s exhausting in the beginning, but after years of self-training I have become someone that can effectively hold a conversation (even though I really don’t like to talk to people). And it’s important for holding a job or finding romance.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Do this a lot goes with territory of being bright should have said this, same as IQ test why is this not on the choices.
I even play TV shows in my head while asleep. How the writer could have improved the scene or was it realistic. I like chatting with my wife dissecting conversations we had with a third person, what they said what they meant. amaze her I can remember all the third person said.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Surprised how much many of us have in common this thread really shows it.

 

[Dagan]

I certainly do this. It's more concerning either very important and/or first time conversations with folks, though. If it's conversations with people I have known for a while, I rarely do it.

 

[the_tortoise]

Does anyone else do this, and does it ever stop?

I analyze all my interactions after the fact but mostly just because I can't keep up in realtime...I'm sort of just playing catch up.

I tend to only analyze conversations to an extreme degree (well...the bits I can remember...and for me "extreme" means way longer than an hour, means like days weeks or even years.... although not constantly nor continuously to the exclusion of other thoughts and activities, and not with the thought I absolutely must have done something wrong) when they seem significant at the time and also seriously -- to an abnormal degree even for me-- confuse/puzzle me. (Confusion is normal/standard for me but confusion comes in degrees, and sometimes it matters while usually it doesn't.)

Or (exceptionally rare this happens:_) when all, or (more often:_) pieces of conversations are stored clearly by chance (by chance generally means during rare moments I am not in sensory overload -- at those times literally everything about what I experience is recorded very clearly for no particular reason); But don't seem significant at the time....yet come back to haunt me occasionally when years later something clicks in my brain and I understand something (or many things) in retrospect I was clueless about at the time.

I don't have the beating myself up or convinced I have done something wrong aspect.

Although searching for wrong things does happen when an interaction seems to have (or definitely has, without any doubt) gone wrong in a very troubling way and I don't know why. (ie people have clearly
gotten upset with me, or clearly taken something very strange-to-me and baffling from what I've said)

And actually the insights I sometimes gain from analyzing interactions have mostly just made me want to talk more and helped me in future interactions -- talk more to correct the endless misunderstandings (most of which are really not my fault -- usually they are nobody's fault) and to practice.

I wonder if it may be that if you long for connection with others but give up because in the absence of constructive and honest feedback you assume you did something wrong, if just giving up and never trying again might actually make it worse -- make you feel more alone for sure and also make it easier to convince yourself you can never say anything "right"? -- which I don't believe is true....

Because right now you say that you have the sense of the interactions you have being pleasant, and how nice people are -- which I don't think would happen if things were always going badly...? It seems from what you wrote that these positive things counteract the sense/fear that you have done something wrong....maybe it would help if you consciously focus on the positive parts. Try to logic your way out of the social anxiety....

And even if you did in reality upset or offend or confuse people literally every time you opened your mouth, my opinion is that others should try to help you not condemn and shun you...someone who is constantly saying confusing or upsetting things likely doesnt mean to, or just knows no other way to interact with others and needs compassion and help -- and more practice not less.

Maybe you could start asking select people who are trustworthy and who you know well how you come across? (My further advice is don't ask everyone...most people are weirded out or confused by it... I never thought anything of asking such questions until I was told they tend to not be taken at face value.)

Or perhaps see if you can seek out some counselling (I know lots of things might make this impossible and it may not be the right kind of solution for you - no assumptions just an idea) specifically to get feedback on your social communication and help with this particular issue? If a professional says you are fine, perhaps it would reassure you? And if they say you are not, hopefully they would be the sort of person who could give you helpful feedback and individualized solutions for counteracting the self-doubt and for clearly identifying what kinds of things might actually be i appropriate or likely to be taken badly...help you creat a bit of guide so you aren't left just always wondering and afraid and down on yourself.