Nonstop Analyzing After Conversations Makes Me Hesitant to Actually Have Conversations

[cai24]

I've been trying to make an effort to talk to people more. Unfortunately, after every conversation, I analyze it for an hour, and I end up feeling horrible. I'm always left with a negative perception of how it went, even though the other person probably sees it as routine small talk. I don't know why my mind does this, but it's very frustrating. I start obsessing about what I said, whether I should have said something differently, if I messed up at all, etc. I know it's nonsensical, but I can't seem to break the habit. Does anyone else do this, and does it ever stop? This reaction alone is enough to make me never want to speak to anyone, because every interaction feels like a net negative. This is despite the fact that the conversations always seem pleasant, and I'm surprised at how nice some people are.

 

[Judge]

Absolutely. It's difficult enough to attempt to process whatever is said by one person in real time.

Then consider all the other sounds that may go with it. And further consider that some of us have deficits when it comes to multitasking, whether it involves the spoken word or not.

So inevitably at times I may feel compelled to "replay" whatever it was that I thought I heard, most often to ponder whether or not I made some kind of mistake or miscommunication.

Though IMO it's not nonsensical. It's just how we process speech in real time. Force of habit as well.

 

[Rodafina]

I start obsessing about what I said, whether I should have said something differently, if I messed up at all, etc. I know it's nonsensical, but I can't seem to break the habit....

This is despite the fact that the conversations always seem pleasant, and I'm surprised at how nice some people are.

This sounds like an "automatic negative thought." It's quite common among us and others with generalized anxiety. I ran myself through this exhausting cycle for 30 years.

What we tell ourselves does not always align with the facts of the situation and we are prone to "beat ourselves up," or create a negative story about ourselves. Because it feels bad and we worry, we can perseverate and just keep running the bad thoughts through our mind over and over. The more we tell ourselves things like "I was being so stupid..." or "they must think I'm so weird..." or "I suck at this..." the more our brain automatically reacts to uncomfortable situations with these messages.

Eventually, to make it stop, you have to break the cycle. If you can notice when you are doing it (which it sounds like you can), you have to tell yourself, "Stop." Once you stop the negative thought, you replace it with another... Something more like, "I am not confident about this interaction, but I did my best and it seemed pleasant. I did an okay job and I can try again." Another example is to replace the thought, "I messed up so much in that conversation," to: "I don't know if I messed up or not." And, leave the door open to the idea that you don't have to beat yourself up.

This process is the basis of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and can be done with the help of a therapist. There are also lots of resources online if you'd rather try to understand it on your own. I've attached a PDF of the general idea of automatic negative thoughts and cognitive distortions.

 

[TBRS1]

My oldest daughter does that. She was diagnosed with an attention disorder. She was prescribed something (can't member what) that she says is working like magic.

I used to do this also. In me, it was anxiety and a very bad self image. Two things happened, then it disappeared completely:
1. I found out what had caused the self image problems and to that fixed that.
2. I entered a phase in my life where I can control how much stress I have, so much less anxiety.

I don't know that either of these personal experiences can help you, but @Rodafina's suggestion is really good.

Meditation will help, too, I think.

 

[Outdated]

I used to do this also. In me, it was anxiety and a very bad self image.

I think that's probably the more pertinent point.

I also analyse every conversation I have for hours afterwards, sometimes for weeks afterwards, replaying it again and again in my mind. This doesn't trigger negative thoughts in me though, as often as not I'm quite pleased with myself and how I handled matters.

Hindsight always shows me ways I might have been able to do things better but I never start beating myself up over making a few mistakes.