No idea how my HFA man feels about me (NT)

[paloftoon]

Well the past history was very important to mention So, thank you for your bravery and trusting all of us to give you potential opinions to consider. Sometimes, I'm really on-point with advice and once in awhile, I might not interpret a situation correctly. Sometimes, there could be more than one answer too.

It is very possible that the love between you two is real, but that the past history still affects your aspie lover. Maybe he can't express that, but the history with too much back and forth without proper permission might be affecting his cravings and feelings toward you. He might feel like if you did that to your ex-husband, how does he know you won't end up doing the same thing to him? What if he's interested in someone else more than you now or later on? Especially considering your own actions, you need to be okay with these possibilities and being able to move on yourself without any violence if such things do happen.

At some point, I suggest you just end up with someone and learn to live with them. Trying to find a "perfect one" is not everything. People change over time. Maybe you are one who should be with a partner who is okay being in an open relationship. I think this might suit you well. But I would also include as a parameter that you be honest about who you are seeing and maybe even being comfortable to introduce each other to your other partners whom are not part of the relationship.

I don't like the open relationships where both of you are okay or "okay" with not telling others about their extra partners/hook-ups because it basically just makes "cheating" totally okay unless both you and your partner are totally okay with that kind of setup. I don't feel people in that kind of setup can take each other seriously enough though, and that's why I think it's important for both partners to be part of the entire process when including others to a fun extent in that manner.

 

[onlything]

I have tried this (albeit by text) and we didn’t talk for a week. I then went away for 2 weeks. He started contacting me daily, even adding kisses to texts and when I said ‘love ya’ he actually text ‘love ya right back’. Wow. I decided not to make a big deal about it and sent a happy face. He then bought me gig tickets and when I got back he had bought me a new coat to replace a stolen one. I believe this was his olive branch and demonstrating his feelings. It was lovely for about a month. I even got some hand holding on the way home but then he started to distance. Got busy. Then a situation happened which frustrated him (something someone else did but caused him to draw back from everyone) and then out of confusion I asked if there was a commitment between us as I was left again dangling not knowing when or if he would contact me. He would not and still not answer.

I suppose on reflection and from feedback, this was all too much for him (was not in moderation) and I got stressed (was not calm). I am currently off work with anxiety and he has kept his distance.

I can see another thing here in the situation that happened: the issue of focus. Autistic people tend to focus severely on a specific thing at a time, at times to a point of obsession, especially so when the problem itself causes anxiety or stress. If something made him busy and frustrated, then you, unfortunately, were put on the second plan. This situation most likely will happen again, although it depends on his character so as to how often. It doesn't mean anything personal or that he may care for you less. Being overhelmed is exactly how it sounds, especially when a brain perceives something as a problem that needs an immediate solution.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

I think you need a lot of verbal reassurance about his love for you.
If my soon to be ex husband cuddled and held my hand I would have been happy with that. But that is just me. Finding someone compatible regarding type and frequency of affection is very important. For me, actions speak louder than words. If someone says they love me I think to myself, So? Lol. But if someone bought me a coat, cuddled with me and held my hand, I would be in heaven.
Maybe you would be happier with a more verbal man? He will never be able to reassure and comfort you when he is overwhelmed.

After much thought I am realizing how much he does in many ways shows me he cares. I need to focus on this more.
I don’t think I need constant verbal reassurance but like I say (apart from when I went away and he texted back he loved me right back) he hadn’t said anything about feelings to me for over 2 years. No I missed you, or please come over I’d like to see you. It’s always ‘cuppa’ or ‘I’m in’ etc.
maybe I find it harder as in the past (even if it takes him a few beers!) he has said how he feels for me.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

If it makes you feel any better, he probably doesn't know how you feel either, but he loves you.

I have told him. Very clearly.
I also wrote a poetry book about my feelings!
So, I’d have to disagree. I worry my feelings scare him? I just don’t know.
Do you say you think he loves me because of his actions?

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

I can see another thing here in the situation that happened: the issue of focus. Autistic people tend to focus severely on a specific thing at a time, at times to a point of obsession, especially so when the problem itself causes anxiety or stress. If something made him busy and frustrated, then you, unfortunately, were put on the second plan. This situation most likely will happen again, although it depends on his character so as to how often. It doesn't mean anything personal or that he may care for you less. Being overhelmed is exactly how it sounds, especially when a brain perceives something as a problem that needs an immediate solution.

Thank you for this. I am going to have to really rewire my brain. I used to think that when he wasn’t busy he would call me because he was bored. But I eventually realized that actually when he wasn’t busy he could spend tome with me and I was the first he would contact. So in essence, I need to rethink. Slow down. And not take things personally. Hmmmmm. This is hard.


But he’s worth it.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

I think you need a lot of verbal reassurance about his love for you.
If my soon to be ex husband cuddled and held my hand I would have been happy with that. But that is just me. Finding someone compatible regarding type and frequency of affection is very important. For me, actions speak louder than words. If someone says they love me I think to myself, So? Lol. But if someone bought me a coat, cuddled with me and held my hand, I would be in heaven.
Maybe you would be happier with a more verbal man? He will never be able to reassure and comfort you when he is overwhelmed.

I just want to know where I stand.

 

[paloftoon]

I just want to know where I stand.

It sounds like the relationship has gotten serious enough that you just ask him point blank, 1-1, politely and calmly as you can, and have no expectations for an answer or a positive one. You be may just need to be direct with him and frank. He might be so rigid that it just doesn't occur to him. Usually, as a partner for a long period of time, you'd be able to sense that.

If you feel asking him directly in-person is not a good idea, then you should look at if this is a trusting enough relationship for you to be in at all and how long it's been since you've been together with this person. I wouldn't keep asking him this question, but yes, if it must be once a year or every 2 years, that should be okay as long as your partner is okay with it too.

 

[pumpkin]

Hi,
Sorry for the long message.. bit of a brain dump but I hope any of this helps!

I’ve been in a similar situation - my boyfriend has called it off multiple times saying “he can’t have a relationship right now”, “we’re not a good match” or that he “can’t give me what I want”. But every time he has come back and said sorry and that he didn’t mean it.. and I could tell he was being genuine and has never intended to hurt me. If it does happen it’s always during a particularly stressful time for him and then I might be asking him for attention/time/commitment that he was unable to give. I also think it stemmed a bit from low self esteem/insecurity as some times he had mentioned me finding someone else that could make me happy, or saying things like I’ll get bored of him one day, etc.. which is totally not the case

We are in such a good place now.. It’s been a slow process but we’re building a solid and trusting relationship. But given the history I can sometimes get a bit anxious where I start to freak out that he’ll end it again and I should hold back a bit. When I’m feeling like this now I just ask him, but not in a “how do you feel about me?” open way, because that is a confusing one to answer and doesn’t usually get much of a response other than “how do you mean?” lol. I find something like “are we okay?” is good because it’s yes/no and not too intense. Orrr also “how are you feeling about us out of 1-10?”. I also add context as to why I’m asking (e.g. I’ve been feeling a bit anxious lately that you’ve been quiet and I don’t know how you feel) because if I don’t want him to think I’m asking because I’ve got my own doubts about the relationship. Putting a scale on it helps because he doesn’t have to think of the words to describe how he’s feeling. I’m also not one to get angry if he mentions any worries he has, because I want him to bring it up so we can talk about it. So try not to react badly if you get an answer you don’t like .

I don’t ask these questions very often... because like you said, you can usually tell how he feels based on his actions over time I’ve learnt to trust that and it’s made for a much happier and loving relationship.
To be fair though I have made it clear multiple times in the past that I’m looking for something long term, and not interested in just seeing someone for the sake of it/to kill time. So I think it’s still important to set your boundaries and know what you’re willing to accept to be happy. Good luck!

 

[GrownupGirl]

I've been depressed lately because I'm always hearing how cold and heartless aspies and autistic people are and they make terrible lovers and parents. But now I've realized that nearly all of the lovers and parents have been men, and many men still believe this is how they're supposed to be, and they aren't "real men" if they're emotional or affectionate, including NT men.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

Well the past history was very important to mention So, thank you for your bravery and trusting all of us to give you potential opinions to consider. Sometimes, I'm really on-point with advice and once in awhile, I might not interpret a situation correctly. Sometimes, there could be more than one answer too.

It is very possible that the love between you two is real, but that the past history still affects your aspie lover. Maybe he can't express that, but the history with too much back and forth without proper permission might be affecting his cravings and feelings toward you. He might feel like if you did that to your ex-husband, how does he know you won't end up doing the same thing to him? What if he's interested in someone else more than you now or later on? Especially considering your own actions, you need to be okay with these possibilities and being able to move on yourself without any violence if such things do happen.

At some point, I suggest you just end up with someone and learn to live with them. Trying to find a "perfect one" is not everything. People change over time. Maybe you are one who should be with a partner who is okay being in an open relationship. I think this might suit you well. But I would also include as a parameter that you be honest about who you are seeing and maybe even being comfortable to introduce each other to your other partners whom are not part of the relationship.

I don't like the open relationships where both of you are okay or "okay" with not telling others about their extra partners/hook-ups because it basically just makes "cheating" totally okay unless both you and your partner are totally okay with that kind of setup. I don't feel people in that kind of setup can take each other seriously enough though, and that's why I think it's important for both partners to be part of the entire process when including others to a fun extent in that manner.

I think there is some confusion. I was with my ex for many years and only unfaithful with this guy as I realized my feelings for him had grown over the years and I could no longer ignore it. Before my ex my first partner was over a year long (I was 16). I only want to be with my HFA man and have no interest in others.

I understand what you say about his fears I could do the same to him. I have similar fears about him!! What we did was wrong. No excuses. Maybe it is eating away at him?

But either way, please do not think I am into open relationships. I am definitely not. I wanted confirmation on where I stood as I felt if he was clear we were ‘together’ and he was busy, wanted lone time etc I would give him that and trust him.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

I can see another thing here in the situation that happened: the issue of focus. Autistic people tend to focus severely on a specific thing at a time, at times to a point of obsession, especially so when the problem itself causes anxiety or stress. If something made him busy and frustrated, then you, unfortunately, were put on the second plan. This situation most likely will happen again, although it depends on his character so as to how often. It doesn't mean anything personal or that he may care for you less. Being overhelmed is exactly how it sounds, especially when a brain perceives something as a problem that needs an immediate solution.

I think you definitely have a good point here. Something I need to bear in mind. Thank you.

 

[paloftoon]

I think there is some confusion. I was with my ex for many years and only unfaithful with this guy as I realized my feelings for him had grown over the years and I could no longer ignore it. Before my ex my first partner was over a year long (I was 16). I only want to be with my HFA man and have no interest in others.

I understand what you say about his fears I could do the same to him. I have similar fears about him!! What we did was wrong. No excuses. Maybe it is eating away at him?

But either way, please do not think I am into open relationships. I am definitely not. I wanted confirmation on where I stood as I felt if he was clear we were ‘together’ and he was busy, wanted lone time etc I would give him that and trust him.

I see, somewhat. Well, if this relationship is going to work then you both should have a discussion in-person about if you can trust each other at this point on this very important point. Ask him if he can trust you not to go to someone else instead of her and vice versa. Are you saying this HFA man you are with/or potentially with now cheated on you prior?

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

I see, somewhat. Well, if this relationship is going to work then you both should have a discussion in-person about if you can trust each other at this point on this very important point. Ask him if he can trust you not to go to someone else instead of her and vice versa. Are you saying this HFA man you are with/or potentially with now cheated on you prior?

We were not officially together at the time he decided to get his long distance girlfriend. I was separated from my husband. I then moved away.
Me and my husband decided to give it another try and then we officially split two years ago. There are no other people but I worry why we cannot by now have some verbal agreement we are together, there is a commitment etc. I think that’s why there may of been some confusion about open relationships etc.

I believe he is scared to be in a 100% relationship as he feels he will have to give up His lifestyle. Well that’s one factor I believe.

 

[paloftoon]

We were not officially together at the time he decided to get his long distance girlfriend. I was separated from my husband. I then moved away.
Me and my husband decided to give it another try and then we officially split two years ago. There are no other people but I worry why we cannot by now have some verbal agreement we are together, there is a commitment etc. I think that’s why there may of been some confusion about open relationships etc.

I believe he is scared to be in a 100% relationship as he feels he will have to give up His lifestyle. Well that’s one factor I believe.

I think there are many inconsistencies that I'm having trouble following. These points you bring up are important to be able to hash out in-person. Based on my interpretation and what I'm reading, this does not feel like a quality long term relationship. I think you should agree with be platonic until you hash these valid relationship concerns, possibly work on some things about yourself, and look around for others. Of course, it's hard to break away from the history you have with this one person, and let's face it, the bonus of potential fun because we have human instincts is damn desirable too. Right now, what you've been saying is basically not working well together unfortunately.