No idea how my HFA man feels about me (NT)

[PetraTAYLOR]

I am an NT female who is ‘seeing’ a HFA male. I feel some history is needed, sorry it’s so long...
It started as an affair 8 years ago. We first met at 16, and there has always been a spark but neither of us were single. I got married to my long term partner and after a few years there were some issues and then one drunken night we kissed.

This unleashed a whirlwind. We admitted our feelings to each other and realized we had to be together. He left his girlfriend, she moved out and I left my husband. He wanted me to move in with him. Even talked marriage etc but very quickly before moving in he realized it was all going to fast. It was.

I found myself a place to live temporarily and we continued to meet (although strained). He went all distant and ended up in a relationship with someone who as he later told me ‘she wasn’t me and lived ages away’. I moved away and didn’t speak to him for 6months. After about 2 of these me and my husband decided to try again.

The day I started speaking to my HFA MAN, we were all over each other and claiming our love. He continued to see this girl (once a month or two) and I with my husband but to be honest, we continued an affair. I’m not proud of it but I was so in love with him and torn between trying to do the right thing ( being with hubby) and fighting my love for HFA man.

Eventually I split from hubby as either way I couldn’t live a lie and my hubby deserved better. He split from his gf and technically we are both single....even though most of the time we spend every day in communication or seeing each other. We have a sexual relationship and enjoy each other’s company. We live in a small place where most ppl know each other including my hubby and him are friends.

I know he is very worried about what ppl think of him. He is very very private but he does share some things with me. the issue I have is that he will not share ANY feelings about me. I have also asked him for some sort of commitment or if he likes me etc. he will not answer. This is by text. Yes, probably not the best way of communicating but I don’t feel I can have this convo face to face as if he feels cornered or pressured he will get angry and defensive.

He shows me he cares by buying me things, fixing things, cuddling and spending time with me. His friends and family (without him knowing) all say he obviously cares/loves me but say he’s just scared. Equally they are also confused by his Behaviour.

Why won’t he share any feelings he has for me? He did up until one night when he cried and explained we could no longer ‘do this’ when I was with my husband. As (understandably) it was ‘wrong’ But I have been separated for nearly 2 years now, he has a girlfriend and has told me he would be happy for me if me and HFA man got together. Many ppl around town assume we are together!

I am so confused and don’t know what to do for the best. I love him so much and believe we could be happy if he would just let his guard down. It’s started to effect my mental health as I do not know where I stand.

Any advice/ppl in similar positions?

Sorry, Looooong post!!!

 

[BraidedPony]

It’s so frustrating when someone won’t just open up!! I do and then expect the other person to respond at least a little, make an effort, something!
Been there many times. I seem to pick men that can’t or won’t share their feelings. (Until they hate me!)
I’ve never met a person that can go from closed off to open. That doesn’t mean it won’t happen for you guys though.

 

[Fino]

I've been in relationships with people for years and didn't realize until long after they ended that they never expressed any feelings about me to me! It was completely one-sided and I never knew it.

So I guess it's good that you notice? Seeing as it's important to you, demand commitment or you never see him again.

What other option is there, other than waiting and asking again and again as you descend into madness?

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

From what I know and heard from other wives of hfa/aspie men, aspie men rarely mention any feelings about the wives. I think there's no such thing as continuously say "I love you" in their dictionary. If he said it once, then (maybe) he means it until it changes.. maybe. If you expect him to share more about his feelings, I think maybe it's difficult. Since... it's not in their dictionary (maybe). Processing feelings and mentioning them in sentences, seem somehow difficult for aspie (sorry if I'm mistaken). Especially when it's about feelings about other people.

By the way, are you an aspie too? Or NT? Wonder why you chose your bf over your husband. Is your husband an NT? Just wondering. If you don't want to answer, it's ok too.

 

[Suzanne]

Too intense and why such haphazard emotions. Said from personal experience ( neither married).

Personally, cutting ties is the only logical thing to do, but ah well, where is logic, when intense emotions are concerned eh?

Have to say, your ex husband is AMAZING.

We aspies find intense emotions very hard to deal with, simply because we know the basics of emotions, but to explain why, is like trying to navigate in a dark place and why, your aspie guy is so confused.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

It’s so frustrating when someone won’t just open up!! I do and then expect the other person to respond at least a little, make an effort, something!
Been there many times. I seem to pick men that can’t or won’t share their feelings. (Until they hate me!)
I’ve never met a person that can go from closed off to open. That doesn’t mean it won’t happen for you guys though.

It’s so difficult when at the beginning he didn’t hold back but then after a while he said he was scared that neither of us could handle his feelings for me. But now it’s been 2 years since he’s admitted feelings one way or the other. Like something is holding him back but I’m not sure what.

 

[onlything]

I think he may not know himself what he's feeling and what he wants - emotions tend to be really confusing. Probably would be best to sit down with him calmly (not judgmentally) and say that you would like to know what you two stand on. Just for him to think about and give you an answer, so that it was clear. Although, not sure if you can expect a straight one seeing how closed-off he is. This one will take a lot of patience and if you pressure too much, he'll shut you off more.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

From what I know and heard from other wives of hfa/aspie men, aspie men rarely mention any feelings about the wives. I think there's no such thing as continuously say "I love you" in their dictionary. If he said it once, then (maybe) he means it until it changes.. maybe. If you expect him to share more about his feelings, I think maybe it's difficult. Since... it's not in their dictionary (maybe). Processing feelings and mentioning them in sentences, seem somehow difficult for aspie (sorry if I'm mistaken). Especially when it's about feelings about other people.

By the way, are you an aspie too? Or NT? Wonder why you chose your bf over your husband. Is your husband an NT? Just wondering. If you don't want to answer, it's ok too.

When I question his feelings he gets angry and distant. If I make assumptions or ‘tell him’ how he feels such as ‘you obviously don’t care about me’ he gets very short and tells me ‘oh ok if you say so’. I have given him so many opportunities to say ‘yeah I’m just not that into you’ but he won’t.
He is under a lot of pressure atm work and money concerns and he lost his dad last year who he didn’t talk too. He just buries himself in work.

I am NT and so was my hubby (though with his focus on the latest ‘project’ mind set I think he’s on the spectrum!) I chose HFA because of the chemistry and how he makes me feel, whereas me and hubby were more like room mates/besties.

If I knew he felt the same I would be more relaxed and understanding.

I can’t just never see him again anyway as we share friends. It’s a small village and I am good friends with his family.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

I think he may not know himself what he's feeling and what he wants - emotions tend to be really confusing. Probably would be best to sit down with him calmly (not judgmentally) and say that you would like to know what you two stand on. Just for him to think about and give you an answer, so that it was clear. Although, not sure if you can expect a straight one seeing how closed-off he is. This one will take a lot of patience and if you pressure too much, he'll shut you off more.

Thank you for your response. I wrote him a letter. He would never admit but is the sort that needs a lot of reassurance and positive comments so I explained I am a glass half empty sort of gal (!) and that his Behaviour has made me focus on negatives and I don’t tell him enough positives (because I am unsure if I should). I wrote a list of things about him I loved. These include his HFA Behaviour (such as his start from the beginning don’t leave any details out conversations!) we don’t discuss his HFA btw. I also explained I wanted to be a part of his life, not change him BUT understand where I am and compliment our lives. He thanked me for it but I know he will not discuss it. But I have ‘planted a seed’ which is what his family have told me is the way to do it.
I saw him yesterday (it’s been once a week for last 3 weeks) and we ended up cuddling and he fell asleep in my arms.

Yes I feel that you may be right in that he’s unsure and keeps changing his mind?

 

[tree]

@PetraTAYLOR

"If I make assumptions or ‘tell him’ how he feels such as
‘you obviously don’t care about me’ he gets very short and tells me ‘oh ok if you say so’."

I expect he does get annoyed if you 'tell him' in an accusatory manner like that.

Have you tried telling him how you feel, focusing on how you feel in relation to
what you think is going on?

Instead of "you obviously don't care about me"...something more like
"When you [insert what you observe him doing] I feel:

(examples)

left out
like I don't matter to you
small
lonely
sad
like crying
like screaming
like I am on an island by myself

etc......

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

@PetraTAYLOR

"If I make assumptions or ‘tell him’ how he feels such as ‘you obviously don’t care about me’ he gets very short and tells me ‘oh ok if you say so’."

I expect he does get annoyed if you 'tell him' in an accusatory manner like that.

Have you tried telling him how you feel, focusing on how you feel in relation to
what you think is going on?

Instead of "you obviously don't care about me"...something more like
"When you [insert what you observe him doing] I feel:

(examples)

left out
like I don't matter to you
small
lonely
sad
like crying
like screaming
like I am on an island by myself

etc......

I must say I have said these things out of frustration...eventually. And I appreciate they are not helpful, but in the heat of the moment! Yes he does get very angry if I ‘tell him’. I have indeed tried the approach above but I think I need to try harder!! I believe that’s where he struggles..he cannot see how I may feel. When I pointed out once that he’d made me feel bad he said it wasn’t his ‘intention’. That basically it wasn’t his fault I took it that way.
It’s very confusing this communication lark! But I am willing to try and understand and learn.

 

[onlything]

When I question his feelings he gets angry and distant. If I make assumptions or ‘tell him’ how he feels such as ‘you obviously don’t care about me’ he gets very short and tells me ‘oh ok if you say so’. I have given him so many opportunities to say ‘yeah I’m just not that into you’ but he won’t.

Accusatory manner of speaking in this way will definitely not help. Pressuring him too much won't either. Give him some space to think things through after you tell him something and don't throw too much emotional stuff at him at once or all the time.

From HFA side, speaking about emotions or mentioning them is rare. It is more about small things like silent cuddling, doing something together at times with little talking overall (like watching something, reading in the same room etc.), doing something for each other that doesn't have to be done etc. Of course, everyone is different but these are my experience.

From your responses, I think you may be coming at him a bit too strongly at times. The key here is calm communication and moderation.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

Accusatory manner of speaking in this way will definitely not help. Pressuring him too much won't either. Give him some space to think things through after you tell him something and don't throw too much emotional stuff at him at once or all the time.

From HFA side, speaking about emotions or mentioning them is rare. It is more about small things like silent cuddling, doing something together at times with little talking overall (like watching something, reading in the same room etc.), doing something for each other that doesn't have to be done etc. Of course, everyone is different but these are my experience.

From your responses, I think you may be coming at him a bit too strongly at times. The key here is calm communication and moderation.

I agree. Thank you your response makes sense CALM COMMUNICATION AND MODERATION. I’m going to write that down and put it in my bedside and remind myself.

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

Thank you all for your input. I’m going to meet a friend and will look back at the thread again later. I appreciate all the feedback. I have just felt increasingly lonely with this and it helps.
Love to all.

 

[Tom]

 

[BraidedPony]

Tom, you are so funny!

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

It’s so frustrating when someone won’t just open up!! I do and then expect the other person to respond at least a little, make an effort, something!
Been there many times. I seem to pick men that can’t or won’t share their feelings. (Until they hate me!)
I’ve never met a person that can go from closed off to open. That doesn’t mean it won’t happen for you guys though.

What about open to closed off!

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

View attachment 52903

Ha brilliant!!!

 

[PetraTAYLOR]

I think he may not know himself what he's feeling and what he wants - emotions tend to be really confusing. Probably would be best to sit down with him calmly (not judgmentally) and say that you would like to know what you two stand on. Just for him to think about and give you an answer, so that it was clear. Although, not sure if you can expect a straight one seeing how closed-off he is. This one will take a lot of patience and if you pressure too much, he'll shut you off more.

I have tried this (albeit by text) and we didn’t talk for a week. I then went away for 2 weeks. He started contacting me daily, even adding kisses to texts and when I said ‘love ya’ he actually text ‘love ya right back’. Wow. I decided not to make a big deal about it and sent a happy face. He then bought me gig tickets and when I got back he had bought me a new coat to replace a stolen one. I believe this was his olive branch and demonstrating his feelings. It was lovely for about a month. I even got some hand holding on the way home but then he started to distance. Got busy. Then a situation happened which frustrated him (something someone else did but caused him to draw back from everyone) and then out of confusion I asked if there was a commitment between us as I was left again dangling not knowing when or if he would contact me. He would not and still not answer.

I suppose on reflection and from feedback, this was all too much for him (was not in moderation) and I got stressed (was not calm). I am currently off work with anxiety and he has kept his distance.

 

[BraidedPony]

I think you need a lot of verbal reassurance about his love for you.
If my soon to be ex husband cuddled and held my hand I would have been happy with that. But that is just me. Finding someone compatible regarding type and frequency of affection is very important. For me, actions speak louder than words. If someone says they love me I think to myself, So? Lol. But if someone bought me a coat, cuddled with me and held my hand, I would be in heaven.
Maybe you would be happier with a more verbal man? He will never be able to reassure and comfort you when he is overwhelmed.