Newly Diagnosed Female-ASD Level 1. NT Boyfriend isn’t sure how to Cope

[DMJF]

Hi guys!

I’m new here, I was just diagnosed a week ago and I feel like A LOT in my life FINALLY makes sense. The only thing now is..my long term bf is having a hard time with my diagnosis…even though I’ve always been me. I wanted the diagnosis because I needed to understand more about myself, and to get compassion and understanding from people. It seems like it’s too much for him and he’s overwhelmed. He doesn’t like to open up, so he won’t talk to anyone about it, but just yesterday he said “sometimes I wish I didn’t know.” But see…I NEEDED him to know, because he would always say “I hate the way you think!!” Or “why don’t you listen!!?? You never listen!!!”

He has since apologized upon finding out about my Autism Diagnosis, and he’s trying to be more calm and patient with me, but I think we need help. My thought process isn’t going to change, and I think he’s afraid of having to change too much of himself to be with me. I don’t see it as changing himself, I just think it’s being understanding.

How have you all dealt with NT&ND relationships? I could use some suggestions.

Thanks!
-D

 

[KevinMao133]

Welcome to the community DMJF! Welcome to the club

Great question you ask

I don’t get have a significant other so I don’t know

Anyone I also find it difficult to deal with NTs. As an aspie, I have a difficult time dealing with people in general

Anyways don’t stress, don’t worry. If things don’t work out between you and your boyfriend. Hey, it’s good to know being single is good too

 

[DMJF]

Welcome to the community DMJF! Welcome to the club

Great question you ask

I don’t get have a significant other so I don’t know

Anyone I also find it difficult to deal with NTs. As an aspie, I have a difficult time dealing with people in general

Anyways don’t stress, don’t worry. If things don’t work out between you and your boyfriend. Hey, it’s good to know being single is good too

Awww thank you so much!!!! Yea, single is good too, you’re right. It’s still early in my diagnosis, so I’ll see how things go…but if they don’t go well, I’ll be ok!

 

[KevinMao133]

Awww thank you so much!!!! Yea, single is good too, you’re right. It’s still early in my diagnosis, so I’ll see how things go…but if they don’t go well, I’ll be ok!

It’s ok

I’m happy you got diagnosed

If you got any questions, feel free to reach me or any one of us

 

[DMJF]

It’s ok

I’m happy you got diagnosed

If you got any questions, feel free to reach me or any one of us

I’m happy too. My entire life makes sense now. I’m happy I got diagnosed, but I get sad for everything I went through in my past. I’m trying to learn everything I can about it now.

 

[KevinMao133]

I’m happy too. My entire life makes sense now. I’m happy I got diagnosed, but I get sad for everything I went through in my past. I’m trying to learn everything I can about it now.

It’s ok

Embrace it

I don’t regret anything about my diagnosis. Rather, I love it

Nobody can take this away from me, I love it

 

[Hypnalis]

You have an M/F communication gap (very common), and an ND/NT communication gap.

Your BF is wondering if what he sees (which is the combined effect) is permanent.

M/F gaps often aren't dealt with, frequently with negative consequences.
I don't have any data on how much stress NT/ND communication deficits put on LTRs (just three data points but I suspect it's similar.

On the plus side, you have an ideal opportunity to address this: your diagnosis can be a catalyst.
Start now.

 

[Richelle-H]

I am 6 days away from anniversary number 39. I have no words of wisdom for you. relationships are tough and the ultimate key is that you truly love doing things together. Sure, there is a great deal of room for misunderstandings and missteps, but that is true of any relationship no matter the time frame.

Just an aside on this, my significant other and I have not lived together for a bit more than half our relationship. We talked very little when we were together and being apart actually brought us closer, I think. It kept both of us from focusing in on the things that bothered us about each other, something we have become more open to discussing in a positive way.

Welcome to the forums and the support it offers to those looking for answers. Ultimately, however, those answers come from within, even if stimulated by outside forces. Keep up the positivity I took from your opening post and do not let anyone grind you down.

 

[Crossbreed]

My wife appreciated my straightforwardness before we had a name for it.
It turns out that she has ADHD which is not too different from autism.

 

[Kayla55]

I think the best way to look at it is that absolutely nothing has changed. You're the same now as you were before. He shouldn't really have to change himself because you found out about something you have always had and that you had when you met him. I mean, I'm guessing he liked you when he met you? I was in a relationship for 8 years and then suddenly I was diagnosed. A little unexpected but not really surprising and it didn't change anything, I didn't change.

he would always say “I hate the way you think!!” Or “why don’t you listen!!?? You never listen!!!”

Men tend to want to lead and if you not following...conflict. someone supposed to love you way you are and as best as can accept fault. How old are you, is this a serious relationship? The demands get worse as have kids....you must give up everything to make family work, that's why I ask.
Honestly I never found happiness dating nt as too different, social, want to go out, etc. I met Ian years ago being better if I married him and not my ex. He accepted me when we met i had lost my job and he helped me pick up pieces. So if he isn't really supportive then in long run it's going to make you unhappy and divorced with kids is strain on me since I do love family and have values, but this was interupted. Ian never said he hated parts of me, and men get worse when marry them.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello @DMJF

Welcome to the forum. I hope you are finding the replies helpful and that we can continue to be supportive to you.

You are right that you are the same person that you were before, but really, there could be significant changes coming your way. A better understanding of how and why we are the way that we are can actually lead to personal growth and development. I hope that your husband can accept and support this because as far as I’m concerned, it is a good thing to fully understand our own brains.

 

[Rodafina]

Men tend to want to lead and if you not following...conflict

It doesn’t seem right to generalize men in this way. I’m pretty sure they would be infinitely varied in their personalities and the ways in which they engage in a relationship.

 

[Kayla55]

It doesn’t seem right to generalize men in this way. I’m pretty sure they would be infinitely varied in their personalities and the ways in which they engage in a relationship.

Ok so you go to dance club and lead men on dance floor,
I think that will work wonders.
You can even propose to a man in front of everyone! Ye
In my mother's day she still needed permission to open bank account but lot has changed.
You can also make decisions, I'm buying this house and yip, we see that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

When you pregnant you are not equal, you are vulnerable. Sure there are nice men, and I regretted letting Ian go!!
But I don't think I ever saw a women leading on fox Trott!!! At all

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I am married to a NT woman. When we met she was a little shy but we liked each other. Our relationship has been hard work especially with me being triggered recently. Yet I worked to put that to rest. We have had to work on our relationship through the 45 years we have been together. I knew she was the one when she was kind and accepting towards me. I have been devoted because her acceptance of me changed my life. That acceptance was critical to our success together.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi guys!

I’m new here, I was just diagnosed a week ago and I feel like A LOT in my life FINALLY makes sense. The only thing now is..my long term bf is having a hard time with my diagnosis…even though I’ve always been me. I wanted the diagnosis because I needed to understand more about myself, and to get compassion and understanding from people. It seems like it’s too much for him and he’s overwhelmed. He doesn’t like to open up, so he won’t talk to anyone about it, but just yesterday he said “sometimes I wish I didn’t know.” But see…I NEEDED him to know, because he would always say “I hate the way you think!!” Or “why don’t you listen!!?? You never listen!!!” He has sense apologized upon finding out about my Autism Diagnosis, and he’s trying to be more calm and patient with me, but I think we need help. My thought process isn’t going to change, and I think he’s afraid of having to change too much of himself to be with me. I don’t see it as changing himself, I just think it’s being understanding.
How have you all dealt with NT&ND relationships? I could use some suggestions.

Thanks!
-D

It took my wife about 2 years to sort of settle into the idea.

I am thinking that for the people within our inner circle, they have created a "moral diagnosis" of us. You're this way because of "this" or "that", using their neurotypical brains to try to rationalize it. Then, you present this thing called "autism", which totally undermines "their truth" and perception of you. Some people are open-minded enough to just accept it and "Oh, that makes a lot more sense.", some people will take some time to understand and accept, and there are some people who ignorantly think autism is just a "label", will make no attempt to understand, and will reject the whole idea of it. The later, wanting to hold onto this idea that they are better than you and that you choose to behave in certain ways, that they have the moral high ground, or that their perception of you could not be wrong. You are making excuses. Everyone is "identifying" as "this" or "that" these days.

My wife, as an RN, and is always reading medical literature, I would show her the articles that autism is a neurodevelopmental, medical condition, and that it goes way beyond that of the psychology and psychiatry. Having said that, we had been together for over 30 years before my diagnosis. It took some retraining of her brain to accept it.

 

[eg3210]

Hi guys!

I’m new here, I was just diagnosed a week ago and I feel like A LOT in my life FINALLY makes sense. The only thing now is..my long term bf is having a hard time with my diagnosis…even though I’ve always been me. I wanted the diagnosis because I needed to understand more about myself, and to get compassion and understanding from people. It seems like it’s too much for him and he’s overwhelmed. He doesn’t like to open up, so he won’t talk to anyone about it, but just yesterday he said “sometimes I wish I didn’t know.” But see…I NEEDED him to know, because he would always say “I hate the way you think!!” Or “why don’t you listen!!?? You never listen!!!” He has sense apologized upon finding out about my Autism Diagnosis, and he’s trying to be more calm and patient with me, but I think we need help. My thought process isn’t going to change, and I think he’s afraid of having to change too much of himself to be with me. I don’t see it as changing himself, I just think it’s being understanding.
How have you all dealt with NT&ND relationships? I could use some suggestions.

Thanks!
-D

It's hard to go on two short quotes, so sorry if I'm off. But is there a chance he is abusive or at least too aggressive for that to be concerned a healthy relationship?
I have noticed that NDs seem to find ourselves in unhealthy relationships more often than others. I assume it's because we are used to changing ourselves to fit in and masking anything that doesn't make others happy.
If I'm totally off, I apologize, I just wanted to make sure you had concidered that.

 

[Tom]

I think Hypnalis has a very good point. Prior to diagnosis people just see each other in terms of more of less variable personalities. Diagnosis of autism brings the concept of permanance into the picture.

But I think people on the spectrum can change as much as everyone else. In truth everyone finds it hard to change. The only main difference is the starting point we are attempting to change from. In an interpersonal relationship I believe understanding each others starting point (how we think) can be very helpful.

The full process of connecting ASD to NT is complicated and I doubt there is any one methodology or checklist. But at least know it can work. I would venture to guess most ASD people in long term relationships are with NTs.

 

[Kayla55]

I am who I am despite of my so called disability.
That was adaptable but dealing with societies attitudes, wasn't. Fighting for equal jobs is tough, and if opportunities failed I would likely blame it on jealousy and sexism (not so much add men but my men, yes)
For some maybe autism is struggle, I was gifted with intellectual ability that was never encouraged from young, despite this I worked for success but sadly it was not what I had in mind.

Again my mother was happy as a women she wanted to be a hairdresser, she felt happy within her role as femine (reason she was never diagnosed by me.) When you don't confine to dancer or drama class, you don't persue female friends or fit in. I don't doubt she was emotional regulator as I sure wasn't.

If your diagnosis changes your life, great. Some things are not going to change as if work or meltdowns. But best is to have supportive people, maybe they even lift you out add rut we find ourselves in. I was a tom-boy and still am, nothing can change that

 

[Magna]

Welcome. I congratulate everyone on their professional diagnosis because of how life changing it can be and because I'm proud to be autistic and proud of my autistic friends.

I would recommend you check out the Aspergers Autism Network, AANE.org. They have so many resources not only for autistic people, but also for non-autistic people. They also offer a totally free 30 minute phone consult on any autistic related subject (including relationships) with an autistic specialist. They also have zoom groups for people who are NT and are in relationships with an autistic person (as well as zooms for autistic people, of course).

AANE.ORG