OK, so here's our story. We met while both in grad school (different schools), and he was the one who first expressed interest--I had just had a relationship end. I was attracted to his intelligence, quirky sense of humor, the fact that he seemed very authentic and didn't care what other people thought of him, and his persistence in being sure that we were meant to be together. We dated long-distance for a year, and then were 90 miles apart for another 3 before we got married. We did not live together before marriage. Very shortly after our marriage I realized there were some things about him that I didn't really realize or understand. He has a lot of anxiety, and has been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (mainly rumination, not a lot of behaviors). As time has gone on, I have seen that routines are very important to him, and if plans change he does not easily adapt. Some of the small things that started to make me wonder about autism spectrum were his sensitivities to high and low pitched noise, discomfort with any tight clothing (and preferring to wear the same style of clothes every day), very restricted types of food in his diet, and what seems like a true inability to imagine other people's internal state of mind--even something as simple as when we are sitting on opposite sides of the room and he looks out the window from his angle, he is so surprised that I can't see what he sees from my angle. He also has some very specific interests that can occupy hours for him--collecting transistor radios and also raising praying mantises. He is very successful in his job as a psychology professor, though his students find him quirky as well. He mainly lectures--does not like discussion forums or small group activities with his students. He has very few friends, and prefers to be with me, though he is happy if we are just in the same room--he does not necessarily want to be interacting. He gets frustrated if I am not paying attention to the same thing he is. He feels left out if I am on the computer while he is watching TV, for example.
We share a lot of the same values as far as our focus on careers, how we save and spend, and our living conditions. He is very loyal. He also lets me live my life and most of the time, does not mind when I participate in hobbies or see friends without him when they are things that he doesn't like (and he is not at all shy about making it clear when he doesn't like something--I appreciate that honesty, though I wish sometimes he could share more joy about the things I do. I sing in an a-cappella chorus and quartet, and would love to have him see me perform but he finds it very hard to support me that way). However, the things that I am having trouble with now are that it feels like our lives are very separate--I am lacking a feeling of connection with him. Also, if I try to involve him in something, his reflexive answer is NO and that hurts my feelings. I am the one who has to initiate any changes or make any plans almost always, and it is such a struggle that we end up fighting and even if we go through with something, by the time we do I am irritable and don't enjoy it as much. We had to stop trying to exchange gifts about 15 years ago, because his gifts were so off-base or impersonal that it made me feel like he didn't know me at all. To
@Thinx 's observation, I don't believe he has narcissistic personality disorder--his mother does, so I am aware of what that looks like, and Dave's behavior is not calculated, cruel, or nearly as self-serving. If I knew for sure he was on the spectrum, I think it would be a lot easier for me to accept the distance between us as just what I should expect, and to take joy in the good things and find connection in other ways or with other people (after figuring out what that looks like within our relationship--I am not talking about infidelity, but just friendship with my female chorus-mates for example). I guess it doesn't really matter if he gets a diagnosis, but it would make it easier for me not to interpret his lack of understanding me as a lack of caring. Does that make sense, and does it sound like I may be on the right track?
