My worst fear kind of just happened

[mama_lotus]

My oldest son is going into kindergarten next year and a local mom thought it would be fun to get all of the families of kids in the class together for a party today.

Siblings were there of course, and my son and some other boys were outside playing on a hammock. I suspect my son is an Aspie but we have not had him evaluated yet as we are unsure about labels. Anyway, he came screaming inside that someone had sprayed bug spray on his tongue. He told me it was a 9 year old boy. I went outside and asked the kids to confess, of course none did. I also said 'you know, this is poison, that's a bad idea, don't do that," and suddenly they all went running inside to clean off their tongues. I think perhaps the boy sprayed it on my son's tongue to "be cool" but my son hated it, for a zillion different reasons, all very valid.

After that, the older boy had it in for him the rest of the party. At one point I heard him saying "What are you, stupid?" to my son because my son was having trouble getting his foot disentangled from the hammock. My son retorted "we don't say stupid!" and then the boy said "okay, then you're just weird. I knew it; you're weird." My heart just sank.

My son has always been popular with his preschool friends and this transition has me very worried.

I was severely bullied as a child and I am petrified that the same will be his fate. It eats at me.

I feel like it's my fault.

My son didn't seem too overly upset by the whole thing. He said he liked the kindergarten kids.

There will be other kindergarten play dates this summer, but I imagine siblings will be invited.

What would you do? I am afraid that if I don't bring him, he will start kindy at a disadvantage because all the kids already have established friendships. I'm afraid if I do bring him, that older boy will continue to bully him and it will put a target on my son's back before his elementary school career has even begun.

 

[Tarragon]

That's a moving story. It must be horrible to be in your position of knowing and also not-knowing which is the best direction to take.

As for "labels", if the other kids are picking up on this and calling him "Wierd" then that is a label. If you think your son is on the spectrum, then isn't it better to have a more useful label than just "Weird"? It's not something you can ignore and it will go away?

I don't have kids, but all I can say from my own experience and instinct, I'd be thinking now is the time to get a formal diagnosis. Which is the lesser of two evils - being labelled with an ASD or being labelled as weird?

I am very sad that your son has to go through all this.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I do think you should continue bringing him to such events. Just make sure you are nearby and aware of what's going on among the kids.

 

[dragonwolf]

That's a moving story. It must be horrible to be in your position of knowing and also not-knowing which is the best direction to take.

As for "labels", if the other kids are picking up on this and calling him "Wierd" then that is a label. If you think your son is on the spectrum, then isn't it better to have a more useful label than just "Weird"? It's not something you can ignore and it will go away?

I don't have kids, but all I can say from my own experience and instinct, I'd be thinking now is the time to get a formal diagnosis. Which is the lesser of two evils - being labelled with an ASD or being labelled as weird?

I am very sad that your son has to go through all this.

I do think you should continue bringing him to such events. Just make sure you are nearby and aware of what's going on among the kids.

Both of these. Also, make sure that the boy's parents are aware of his behavior. It doesn't matter whether your son has ASD or not, that older boy has no right to bully anyone.

That said, your son will pick up on your own fears, and could actually exacerbate the issue. Instead, find effective ways to teach him how to deal with people like that older boy. You won't be able to shelter him from bullies for the rest of his life, and there will always be bullies. Self-confidence and self-defense (and not just physical) are valuable life-skills to have.

Also, with regard to the diagnosis -- getting a diagnosis also opens up a number of legal avenues you can take to help him as he grows up, should he need them (which can help with feeling overwhelmed about school in general). Additionally, it can provide him with a sense of community if he did start becoming an outcast in school.

 

[Sander]

As dragonwolf said:

You won't be able to shelter him from bullies for the rest of his life, and there will always be bullies. Self-confidence and self-defense (and not just physical) are valuable life-skills to have.

You won't be able to shelter him from bullies, but you can teach him to deal with them.
Make sure you keep an eye out and inform/ask the teachers (or how they are called) if you sense something might be wrong.
Also make sure your son takes part in as many activities as is average, that way other kids won't react weird to him because that one time he didn't want to play with them.

If he gets bullied and hasn't got any friends, it would be better for him to join a group with other Asperger's/ kids who have problems them selves, that way he will still have a good time and friends

Hope this helped, this is all from my own experience of being bullied for 8 years.
If you have any further questions just ask them

 

[Ereth]

This is absolutely not your fault. (Who thought it was a good idea to leave children unattended with bug spray lying around?)

There will be encounters with bullies throughout your son's life, and all you can do, as others have said, is teach him how to handle these situations properly. If bullying ever becomes enough of an issue that you need to go to someone's parents, or a school principal, then absolutely do not be afraid to do so. Your child will be grateful for the support.

 

[mama_lotus]

Thanks everyone.

 

[KassieMac]

That's a moving story. It must be horrible to be in your position of knowing and also not-knowing which is the best direction to take.

As for "labels", if the other kids are picking up on this and calling him "Wierd" then that is a label. If you think your son is on the spectrum, then isn't it better to have a more useful label than just "Weird"? It's not something you can ignore and it will go away?

I don't have kids, but all I can say from my own experience and instinct, I'd be thinking now is the time to get a formal diagnosis. Which is the lesser of two evils - being labelled with an ASD or being labelled as weird?

I am very sad that your son has to go through all this.

I've been labeled as weird, freak, and a few other things for 45 years. I've been bullied, blamed, and persecuted, not just in grade school, but from 'children in grown-up bodies.' I would much have preferred Aspie (I know it wasn't recognized at that time) or anything that indicated there were other people like me, and let me know that the screwed-up way people treat me is not my fault. Just my $.02

 

[Sass]

This sort of thing, sadly, happens to many, many children, not just kids on the spectrum. It says more about the child who chose to bully than it does about your son, and it seems he handled it well and hasn't let it get to him too much. The tricky part as a parent is not passing our own fears on to our kids - they really do pick up on our emotions, whether they're ASD or NT. I'd say this is less to do with his possible Aspie-ness and more to do with taking the opportunity to teach him how to deal with unpleasant behaviour from his peers.

As for future parties, definitely take him. If the older boy is a problem, then speak to his parents.

 

[mama_lotus]

Thank you. I have given it a lot of thought this week and I think it has less to do with his possible Aspie-ness and more to do with my definite Aspie-ness. I was triggered by the bully type behavior for sure. And I don't have the appropriate boundaries or social skills to know what, as a mother, I am supposed to say to the other adults or the children involved. I fear that as things get more complicated for my son, as an Aspie mama, I am no longer equipped to teach him. And this makes me sad. I also feel sad that my Aspie-ness has created anxiety in my son. He is getting evaluated in a couple weeks, and I will probably follow him, once we have his needs sorted out.

 

[Sass]

Thank you. I have given it a lot of thought this week and I think it has less to do with his possible Aspie-ness and more to do with my definite Aspie-ness. I was triggered by the bully type behavior for sure. And I don't have the appropriate boundaries or social skills to know what, as a mother, I am supposed to say to the other adults or the children involved. I fear that as things get more complicated for my son, as an Aspie mama, I am no longer equipped to teach him. And this makes me sad. I also feel sad that my Aspie-ness has created anxiety in my son. He is getting evaluated in a couple weeks, and I will probably follow him, once we have his needs sorted out.

I got my diagnosis after my son's, it happens Don't feel that you're not equipped to teach him. You may have missed out on acquiring that knowledge when you were a kid, but there's no reason you can't acquire it now, for your son. You're obviously an excellent mama who wants the best for her son. As an Aspie mama myself, I have to tell you, we're awesome

 

[mama_lotus]

^No, I know. Deep down, I know you are right. We are particularly awesome for boys, I feel. Lucky for me, I got two of 'em. I just have to make a conscious effort to hug them more often. And not shove them off of me when I'm overstimulated because *they* are overstimulated and both crying and needy or something. Now that they are no longer babies (my husband did a lot of the baby parenting, and for that, I am forever grateful) I think you're right. I really don't like babies. I did, of course, love my own, but got "touched out" and overtired often.

 

[GHA]

You can't handle everything for him. He will be bullied and labelled and there is nothing you can do about it..However, overtime, he will learn to handle such situations. My son (AS) turning 32, was bullied and labelled as a young kid. I went to his school a number of times, but finally decided to let him be on his own. I just kept a very close eye and taught him how to handle situations... I thought my son was just a bit slow, so I learnt to live with that..Its was only last year he was diagnosed with AS.....He completed his education, doing a great job and is also married.. Problems?? Yes he has.... Solutions?? He has developed this ability to adapt to the NT world... So don't ever underestimate them........

 

[Christophe]

As was mentioned above, you can't be there all the time and you can't protect him forever. He must learn to stand up to the bullies and not let them step on his toes. It will be hard but if he stands up to them they will loose interest and pick on someone else. That is what I did as a child and it worked for me.

 

[KassieMac]

As was mentioned above, you can't be there all the time and you can't protect him forever. He must learn to stand up to the bullies and not let them step on his toes. It will be hard but if he stands up to them they will loose interest and pick on someone else. That is what I did as a child and it worked for me.

I'm glad to hear that worked for you, but please be sure to appreciate your luck. I've heard that advice from countless 'adults' who couldn't be bothered to take action, I've practiced it for my own reasons, but it has never worked. When I ignored the bullies, they became angry & hostile, and considered it a personal affront worse than if I had been the one to approach them. They would take it on as a personal challenge and redouble their efforts to evoke a response. They would go to great efforts to seek me out and create situations to inflict their abuse. Again, I'm glad to hear that it worked for you, but please do not assume it will always work.

You can't handle everything for him. He will be bullied and labelled and there is nothing you can do about it..However, overtime, he will learn to handle such situations. My son (AS) turning 32, was bullied and labelled as a young kid. I went to his school a number of times, but finally decided to let him be on his own. I just kept a very close eye and taught him how to handle situations... I thought my son was just a bit slow, so I learnt to live with that..Its was only last year he was diagnosed with AS.....He completed his education, doing a great job and is also married.. Problems?? Yes he has.... Solutions?? He has developed this ability to adapt to the NT world... So don't ever underestimate them........

There is something you can do about it. You can use your position as a responsible adult and parent to take on these ill-behaved and arrogant children. It's your job and your responsibility.

'Adults' would tell me to stay away from them and not react ... but the bullies would literally follow me. I wasn't even safe in my own home, since anyone who appeared at our door would be invited in. I continued to not react, only because if they saw how hurt I was I felt like even more of a failure ... and those same 'adults' would place even more blame on me for the bullies' unacceptable behavior. Those same bullies, as 'adults' now, are the ones that describe Aspies as lacking empathy ... the same people who took pleasure in my pain. And me following the twisted advice to not get upset just adds to that incorrect (but incredibly common) assumption. The people in charge ... parents, teachers, principals & staff, employers & managers ... instead of handing out worthless free advice and trite cliches so they wouldn't have to take responsibility, need to do their jobs, look after the people in their care, and do something about this behavior. If those in power & authority are too intimidated by grade-school bullies to take action, how can they justify sending in a child ... a child who by their very nature is less equipped to handle it and is born at a distinct disadvantage ... how can those so-called 'adults' justify sending this child in unprepared and undefended??

I hear you say "don't ever underestimate them" but the rest of your message says "by all means don't help them." Thanks for that.

 

[Christophe]

I don't think your actually reading the messages and advice being given to you, you keep repeating that you must not let the bullies get away with what they are doing and we all agree with you there.
What we are saying is that the person that needs to react to these bullies is your child! He needs to verbally respond to these kids, yell out that he need a to be left alone, he'll at them within an adults earshot that they are bullies and that he is not afraid of them and that what they are doing is unacceptable... What I'm saying is that what ever you do about it will only make things worse. He will suffer the consequences of your well intentioned actions. You'll feel good about what you did and your kid will get it worse from them. And it will result in your child not informing you about his problems anymore because you will be making them worse.

And by the way. When I give advice or my opinion on a subject, I never assume that it always works! All the advice I can give you is the advise of someone who has been an Aspie all his life and I base all my comment/advice on past experience and research.

I hope this helps.

 

[KassieMac]

I don't think your actually reading the messages and advice being given to you, you keep repeating that you must not let the bullies get away with what they are doing and we all agree with you there.
What we are saying is that the person that needs to react to these bullies is your child! He needs to verbally respond to these kids, yell out that he need a to be left alone, he'll at them within an adults earshot that they are bullies and that he is not afraid of them and that what they are doing is unacceptable... What I'm saying is that what ever you do about it will only make things worse. He will suffer the consequences of your well intentioned actions. You'll feel good about what you did and your kid will get it worse from them. And it will result in your child not informing you about his problems anymore because you will be making them worse.

And by the way. When I give advice or my opinion on a subject, I never assume that it always works! All the advice I can give you is the advise of someone who has been an Aspie all his life and I base all my comment/advice on past experience and research.

I hope this helps.

I contend that you are the one that's not reading thoroughly, or you would realize that I'm not the parent, I'm an Aspie. And my lifelong experience of being thrown to the wolves to be abused for entertainment while those in positions of responsibility watched & did nothing has done irreparable damage. Nothing could be more painful than having the people I loved & trusted stand idly by while I was harassed and abused. If I was capable of doing what you say I should've done, I would have … but I AM AN ASPIE. I COULD NOT.

I'm glad that things worked out well for you, but if your children turn out to be more like me, I hope you'll take into consideration my lifelong experience of being an Aspie, and the research I've done. Thanks.

 

[Christophe]

My apologies, I did misread, I did think you were the parent. It is awful what you lived and I hope you the best in the future.

 

[KassieMac]

My apologies, I did misread, I did think you were the parent. It is awful what you lived and I hope you the best in the future.

Thanks Christophe, I really appreciate that. And I really am glad to know that your approach sometimes works, it helps me feel not quite so abandoned. It wasn't the best advice for me, but now I know that it wasn't completely careless of the adults that were present. I can take some comfort from that, so thanks.

 

[Peace]

My oldest son is going into kindergarten next year and a local mom thought it would be fun to get all of the families of kids in the class together for a party today.

Siblings were there of course, and my son and some other boys were outside playing on a hammock. I suspect my son is an Aspie but we have not had him evaluated yet as we are unsure about labels. Anyway, he came screaming inside that someone had sprayed bug spray on his tongue. He told me it was a 9 year old boy. I went outside and asked the kids to confess, of course none did. I also said 'you know, this is poison, that's a bad idea, don't do that," and suddenly they all went running inside to clean off their tongues. I think perhaps the boy sprayed it on my son's tongue to "be cool" but my son hated it, for a zillion different reasons, all very valid.

After that, the older boy had it in for him the rest of the party. At one point I heard him saying "What are you, stupid?" to my son because my son was having trouble getting his foot disentangled from the hammock. My son retorted "we don't say stupid!" and then the boy said "okay, then you're just weird. I knew it; you're weird." My heart just sank.

My son has always been popular with his preschool friends and this transition has me very worried.

I was severely bullied as a child and I am petrified that the same will be his fate. It eats at me.

I feel like it's my fault.

My son didn't seem too overly upset by the whole thing. He said he liked the kindergarten kids.

There will be other kindergarten play dates this summer, but I imagine siblings will be invited.

What would you do? I am afraid that if I don't bring him, he will start kindy at a disadvantage because all the kids already have established friendships. I'm afraid if I do bring him, that older boy will continue to bully him and it will put a target on my son's back before his elementary school career has even begun.

I feel for you. My thoughts are that it is important to validate your sons feelings that this is not a big deal. I would help him to understand that this boy is troubled, and that his behavior is not appropriate, but that some people will always act that way. If your son does not give the bullying the reaction it requires to survive, it will die. The kids that you would want your son to hang out with will see the bravery and kindness your son has, and will choose friendships there. I am guessing that your remark about your son always being popular, is because they already have.
Also I would try to discuss it with his parents. If his behavior is not encouraged, it will likely not continue.