My son told me yesterday that he doesn't want to live

[Hey]

He said he'd rather be a dog.
That life is troublesome
That he doesn't want to live
And that he wants to die.
Because he is tired all the time
And even though he is with friends
He is still feeling lonely
And all he wants to do while being at school
Is to go home.

And I get it, I spent my school time thinking the same way but unfortunately I never spoke to anyone about it.
Thankfully I am a lot like him, I know what to say.
But I also know how much it hurts, especially when you're around 8 or 9 years old.
He has a hard time calming down though and I don't really know how to help him with the big doorstep, waking up, going to school, finishing things. I have a hard time with those things too.. we end up being frustrated at eachother, because I don't have a lot of energy and neither does he. Routines is key, though. It makes life a little bit easier

If you can think of any advice that might help, please write back

 

[Slime_Punk]

And I get it, I spent my school time thinking the same way but unfortunately I never spoke to anyone about it.

Same. I don't even think I had the words to describe it that way, and if I did I'd be in a lot of trouble.

I don't have (or really ever offer) any advice, but I think allowing him to get this off his chest is a great idea, whereas a lot of parents would say something like, "Don't talk like that!" (which is definitely not very productive).

If I had a son who said those things I'd definitely start the therapy / professional help process immediately, since that's a little young to start talking about death (even if a lot of us vaguely felt that way earlier than others), but I'd also allow them to express their feelings to me because it's definitely worse when you have nobody to talk to.

Also, I'm assuming he's the one with ASD and not you? Sometimes it's hard to tell

 

[kriss72]

I'm sorry, I don't really have much advice, except seeking help as you do by writing here and if you didn't do already talk to a doctor/professional, if it is possible for you - but I feel with you, I have a daughter, she isn't a young child anymore, but when she was, she also struggled in school for many years ending in a depression and an attempt to leave this world prematurely, it's really hard when your child looses the willingness to live, because life is too hard for them - don't push him, support him, he is struggling enough as I'm sure you are too, be happy he is sharing his thoughts with you, and seek help for both of you if possible.

 

[Hey]

Also, I'm assuming he's the one with ASD and not you? Sometimes it's hard to tell

I always encourage him to talk about his feelings and his views, for him, development is tough, changes are tough. All of these are something we have in common.. I see myself in him.

I told him to scream into a pillow, I said it's alright and normal to face these feelings, but that the important part is to not get stuck in them. I told him that he is not alone and that he will probably feel these feelings or similar ones from time to time during his life, but the important part is what to make of these feelings, to take action to be able to feel better. Because we need to take care of eachother and take care of ourselves. I told him that if he died I would miss him SO much.

I will seek help for his issues if it continues, I asked him if he wanted to talk to someone but he didn't. So I respect that, for a while at least.

I've always been special, felt like belonging to this world isn't really my deal, I find happiness in the sunrise or intense feelings and I am very gifted at certain areas, but in between these, I don't feel like I belong. I really love those who are close to me and it's a blessing that I can "be myself" with them.

But it's a curse to see my son going through the same issues as me. It hurts. And we have a stable foundation both of us, it's not like there is lots missing. It's just that the world is spinning a little bit faster than what would be best for us.

Thank you for your answer

 

[Hey]

I'm sorry, I don't really have much advice, except seeking help as you do by writing here and if you didn't do already talk to a doctor/professional, if it is possible for you - but I feel with you, I have a daughter, she isn't a young child anymore, but when she was, she also struggled in school for many years ending in a depression and an attempt to leave this world prematurely, it's really hard when your child looses the willingness to live, because life is too hard for them - don't push him, support him, he is struggling enough as I'm sure you are too, be happy he is sharing his thoughts with you, and seek help for both of you if possible.

Thank you for your reply.

I've felt that there has been something going on for a while now and I was hoping that the shell would crack and that he would tell me how he felt, I just wasn't expecting such an intense conversation as the one I had with him. I'm sorry about your daughter having to go through that and it must have been hard on you too. I will support him with all my inner power and if it continues I will definitely seek help. He has a strong shell, I had my suspicions that something was up and addressed it with the school but they knew nothing about him not feeling well. Maybe I should talk to them again..

 

[kriss72]

.... I had my suspicions that something was up and addressed it with the school but they knew nothing about him not feeling well. Maybe I should talk to them again..

I don't know how things are where you live, personally I have mixed experiences with getting the school involved, it's probably for the better that they know, so they can keep an extra eye out for him (The downside I experienced was related to one specific teacher my daughter had, so I wouldn't worry about that in your case).

We have gotten good help from having a social worker assigned to our family (before she became an adult) she actually confessed her first thoughts about not being able to cope with this world to a teacher, which made the school file a report, so we got one assigned, depending on where you live, they might have to do that too if you tell them what your son said. I'm not saying its good or bad, just something you should be aware of.

The first social worker we got, was making things worse, but the one we ended up with a few years later was really good and helped - but I have no idea what the options are where you live - now I have my own social support worker, and my daughter has her own, even she still live at home here, it has been a great help to both of us, but that is just my experience, it might not be what you need or can get.

Anyway, it is not something you should deal with alone.

 

[chincey_james]

I was prone to similar thoughts when I was that age. I was somehow morbid and life-weary already at such a young age. Strangely enough, I also remember thinking that I wish I were a dog. I think I was processing the universe very intensely and sensitively and just wanted a break from that pressure.

Others in this thread will have great advice. The only thing I can think to do is share my story. I wish I had learned earlier in life how to "shut down" in a healthy way, such as meditation or exercise. My autistic burnout led to a few years of alcohol abuse in my 20s that I know for a fact arose because I never learned how to "turn off." Maybe you and your son could go to a meditation class or watch a video on meditation at home? Just an idea.

At any rate, if this were my son, my number one goal would be to help give him healthy methods of taking a break from the pressures of human life.

 

[SeanF]

I am so sorry that you must face this. It is a peculiar kind of helplessness to watch your kid go through this sort of thing. I know from the first-hand experience of both dealing with my son and from the constant noise in my own head.

While there is no answer for everyone, and I am not a professonal, I can say that continuing to have an open dialogue about this matter is important. I have read continually that this is important. I know that I struggled at first to do this with my son, but it was important, especially since autistic people like me often can't pick up on social cues. My wife, an NT, was key for me in this respect. I would have a long talk with my son and think everything was fine. She would take one look at him and ask him what was wrong. Almost every time she was right. At first my own short-comings frustrated me, but then I realized how blessed I was to have another perspective of my son.

I noticed you did not directly confirm or deny whether you are autistic, and that is totally fine. We love to have you here either way, and I love your obvious concern and compassion for your son. Besides, even if you are autistic, maybe you're much better at reading emotions than I am. I am only saying this since you asked for advice. But maybe, in a time like this, even if it is not a counselor who understands and treats neuro-diverse children, it would be good to find a compassionate NT who you trust to keep a second pair of eyes on him from time to time.

Whatever you decide your next steps to be, know that you are not alone with these feelings, with these struggles. And also, there is hope. My son is now 21 and I, too, count myself among the living. One day at a time. You've got this.

 

[kenaij]

Proffesional help is very much adviced. My daughter shared similar feelings recently and we are starting sessions later this month.
Aside from that. It is very important for children that have these feelings to not feel like they are a burden on the people around them. So make sure he knows that.
Try and focus on positive things in his life. This might give him a little hope.
Good luck.

 

[Rodafina]

I will seek help for his issues if it continues, I asked him if he wanted to talk to someone but he didn't. So I respect that, for a while at least.

I also think it might be helpful to seek professional help with this issue. It's so serious. A good therapist or counselor could teach your child some good coping strategies so that they have ways to manage difficult feelings as they get older. This could be a great gift to give your child. Many of us don't really want to speak to a professional, especially when it is another unknown. But sometimes, it is necessary, regardless of what we want.

 

[Hey]

I don't know how things are where you live, personally I have mixed experiences with getting the school involved

I take his thoughts and views seriously, but I would probably not as a starting point tell them his exact words, because just like you say, they need to follow the law and need to take action. It's probably a good thing, but maybe not in this case. I could tell them that my gut feeling is right though and explain that he is like a whirlwind when he is over stimulated and that he has been sad.

Because even if we've talked and made things better for one or two days, he isn't really aware that he has to take care of himself continually, I guess that is where my parenting starts. I will try my best and if it doesn't help I will have to seek help. We've been in contact with a child psychiatrist when he was younger, they said it was too early to get a diagnosis. But at least he got a weight blanket that helped him sleep better.

Anyways, I am so thankful for the advice on this site.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Hey

How many people are their in your household (including staff) and what are their roles?

I'm asking because of this:

he isn't really aware that he has to take care of himself continually

 

[Hey]

I was prone to similar thoughts when I was that age. I was somehow morbid and life-weary already at such a young age. Strangely enough, I also remember thinking that I wish I were a dog. I think I was processing the universe very intensely and sensitively and just wanted a break from that pressure.

Others in this thread will have great advice. The only thing I can think to do is share my story. I wish I had learned earlier in life how to "shut down" in a healthy way, such as meditation or exercise. My autistic burnout led to a few years of alcohol abuse in my 20s that I know for a fact arose because I never learned how to "turn off." Maybe you and your son could go to a meditation class or watch a video on meditation at home? Just an idea.

At any rate, if this were my son, my number one goal would be to help give him healthy methods of taking a break from the pressures of human life.

Yeah same here, I remember thinking that everyone would die before I did and that I'd end up being alone. At school I never really felt close to anyone and everything made me tired, I just wanted to go home. I had a hard time getting or keeping friends but I slowly learned how to act, pretending to be someone I was not in social situations. I'm more myself these days, thank the stars.

My son says he feels lonely even if he isn't, I did too. I ended up with what they thought was a depression and anxiety attacks, long story short, everything went sideways. I learned meditation, routines and started working out, life got a little better after that.

Thank you. I think you are very wise! I will teach him how to take breaks and how to listen to himself. I'm reminding him every day, that he is good just the way he is, unique and brave. But I have my own sensitivity too and when he has his struggles, as he does almost every day, it's making me tired too. But I'll be there for him, continuously.

 

[Hey]

@Hey

How many people are their in your household (including staff) and what are their roles?

I'm asking because of this:

I meant to take care of his inner self, caring and making himself feel better about himself, not only today but in the future too

 

[Hypnalis]

I understood what you said.

My question still stands.
Of course you don't have to answer it. But I asked about the household because I think it's relevant.

 

[Hey]

I am so sorry that you must face this. It is a peculiar kind of helplessness to watch your kid go through this sort of thing. I know from the first-hand experience of both dealing with my son and from the constant noise in my own head.

While there is no answer for everyone, and I am not a professonal, I can say that continuing to have an open dialogue about this matter is important. I have read continually that this is important. I know that I struggled at first to do this with my son, but it was important, especially since autistic people like me often can't pick up on social cues. My wife, an NT, was key for me in this respect. I would have a long talk with my son and think everything was fine. She would take one look at him and ask him what was wrong. Almost every time she was right. At first my own short-comings frustrated me, but then I realized how blessed I was to have another perspective of my son.

I noticed you did not directly confirm or deny whether you are autistic, and that is totally fine. We love to have you here either way, and I love your obvious concern and compassion for your son. Besides, even if you are autistic, maybe you're much better at reading emotions than I am. I am only saying this since you asked for advice. But maybe, in a time like this, even if it is not a counselor who understands and treats neuro-diverse children, it would be good to find a compassionate NT who you trust to keep a second pair of eyes on him from time to time.

Whatever you decide your next steps to be, know that you are not alone with these feelings, with these struggles. And also, there is hope. My son is now 21 and I, too, count myself among the living. One day at a time. You've got this.

I have a strong sense of knowing something is wrong or what other people think or feel. Social interaction is harder..

I didn't confirm or deny because I have never been diagnosed. From my own studies and after lots and lots of reading, I would say yes I am, but how can one be sure? I am so happy that I found my way to this forum, getting advice on this matter is gold. I care so much about him.

One day at a time.

And I am glad that both you and your son count yourself among the living. There is so much beauty in this world, if we choose to focus on the good.