RavenSly
Well-Known Member
Hey guys, so I know I haven't been on here in forever, but I have been dealing with some very heavy issues lately that are taking a serious toll on me. You see, I just spent a full three weeks in the hospital for "Homicidal Ideation" as in, like Suicidal Ideation only instead of wanting to kill yourself, you want to kill other people. Understand, this is not something I am choosing to do, but rather is just coming on involuntarily from within my sub-conscious. It comes in the form of random visual thoughts in which I will see myself attacking whoever may happen to be around me, usually by punching them or smashing their heads into something hard like a table. Now, it's not actually that bad since even though I have that, I can still control it completely, and in terms of actual effects its really just a bother to me personally more than anything. Though, along with this I was also experiencing urges towards Sexual Violence, which is completely new for me. I recently figured out that I have Bipolar Disorder, as my personality is extremely dichotomous in nature, with one side being kind, gentle, and compassionate, while the other is violent, cruel, psychopathic, and for all intents and purposes, pure evil.
Essentially, its been brought on by the fact that for the past 7 months since I graduated from the Transition Program I was in, I've been spending all of my time at home essentially completely isolated with virtually no social interaction at all with anyone besides my mother and younger brother. I'm also still dealing with some unresolved issues from an incident that occurred on Halloween of 2011 in which I assaulted my mother pretty brutally after a long, heated argument.
Also during this period I realized that I have severe Cleithrophobia, which is fear of Imprisonment. Essentially, its like Claustrophobia, but more specific to being placed in a place where you are not allowed to leave, like a Mental Hospital or Prison. It meant that for the whole time I was in the hospital, I couldn't really stabilize fully because I was so paranoid about being in the place.
Now that I'm out I'm supposed to be starting a Day Treatment program which I have an Intake for on the 26th, and until then I can't really do much with my life, as I can't make any long term plans or do anything like try to get a job because I don't know when I'll be in the program. I'm also trying with my Case Manager to get into a Group Home as I've realized I need a more structured environment than what I have at my Mom's house at least until I can get on my feet.
I know that what I need most of all is to be around other people regularly and had actually been signed up to go to College but had to defer my enrollment because the Hospital wouldn't let me go, which I'm still somewhat angry about. Anyway, this was just a brief summary of the much larger picture that is the complicated web of problems I'm facing right now, but as any of you who reads this can probably tell, I'm in serious need of some help here and could use some advice.
Essentially, its been brought on by the fact that for the past 7 months since I graduated from the Transition Program I was in, I've been spending all of my time at home essentially completely isolated with virtually no social interaction at all with anyone besides my mother and younger brother. I'm also still dealing with some unresolved issues from an incident that occurred on Halloween of 2011 in which I assaulted my mother pretty brutally after a long, heated argument.
Also during this period I realized that I have severe Cleithrophobia, which is fear of Imprisonment. Essentially, its like Claustrophobia, but more specific to being placed in a place where you are not allowed to leave, like a Mental Hospital or Prison. It meant that for the whole time I was in the hospital, I couldn't really stabilize fully because I was so paranoid about being in the place.
Now that I'm out I'm supposed to be starting a Day Treatment program which I have an Intake for on the 26th, and until then I can't really do much with my life, as I can't make any long term plans or do anything like try to get a job because I don't know when I'll be in the program. I'm also trying with my Case Manager to get into a Group Home as I've realized I need a more structured environment than what I have at my Mom's house at least until I can get on my feet.
I know that what I need most of all is to be around other people regularly and had actually been signed up to go to College but had to defer my enrollment because the Hospital wouldn't let me go, which I'm still somewhat angry about. Anyway, this was just a brief summary of the much larger picture that is the complicated web of problems I'm facing right now, but as any of you who reads this can probably tell, I'm in serious need of some help here and could use some advice.