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Sensitive Topic My Messed up Life

RavenSly

Well-Known Member
Hey guys, so I know I haven't been on here in forever, but I have been dealing with some very heavy issues lately that are taking a serious toll on me. You see, I just spent a full three weeks in the hospital for "Homicidal Ideation" as in, like Suicidal Ideation only instead of wanting to kill yourself, you want to kill other people. Understand, this is not something I am choosing to do, but rather is just coming on involuntarily from within my sub-conscious. It comes in the form of random visual thoughts in which I will see myself attacking whoever may happen to be around me, usually by punching them or smashing their heads into something hard like a table. Now, it's not actually that bad since even though I have that, I can still control it completely, and in terms of actual effects its really just a bother to me personally more than anything. Though, along with this I was also experiencing urges towards Sexual Violence, which is completely new for me. I recently figured out that I have Bipolar Disorder, as my personality is extremely dichotomous in nature, with one side being kind, gentle, and compassionate, while the other is violent, cruel, psychopathic, and for all intents and purposes, pure evil.

Essentially, its been brought on by the fact that for the past 7 months since I graduated from the Transition Program I was in, I've been spending all of my time at home essentially completely isolated with virtually no social interaction at all with anyone besides my mother and younger brother. I'm also still dealing with some unresolved issues from an incident that occurred on Halloween of 2011 in which I assaulted my mother pretty brutally after a long, heated argument.

Also during this period I realized that I have severe Cleithrophobia, which is fear of Imprisonment. Essentially, its like Claustrophobia, but more specific to being placed in a place where you are not allowed to leave, like a Mental Hospital or Prison. It meant that for the whole time I was in the hospital, I couldn't really stabilize fully because I was so paranoid about being in the place.

Now that I'm out I'm supposed to be starting a Day Treatment program which I have an Intake for on the 26th, and until then I can't really do much with my life, as I can't make any long term plans or do anything like try to get a job because I don't know when I'll be in the program. I'm also trying with my Case Manager to get into a Group Home as I've realized I need a more structured environment than what I have at my Mom's house at least until I can get on my feet.

I know that what I need most of all is to be around other people regularly and had actually been signed up to go to College but had to defer my enrollment because the Hospital wouldn't let me go, which I'm still somewhat angry about. Anyway, this was just a brief summary of the much larger picture that is the complicated web of problems I'm facing right now, but as any of you who reads this can probably tell, I'm in serious need of some help here and could use some advice.
 
I know that you are working hard to get yourself sorted out; you most definitely have a lot to contend with. I wish that I had some advice to give you that was specific to your situation. I was once in the psychiatric ward for two weeks, years ago (suicidal thoughts). The most important thing I learned there was to try as hard as I could to be as well as I could be, and you are doing that already. I'm sure that folks at AC will want to support you in any that way we can.
 
Hi RavenSly: Welcome back! Thanks for posting an update & sharing your harrowing experience with us. It's very brave of you to be so open about something so personal & distressing. You seem to be actively doing everything you can to optimize your mental health. Those homicidal urges are not the 'real you' any more than the voice in the head of a schizophrenic is the real him. Between your own efforts & determination & the support of the day treatment programme you're entering into, you'll gain the upper hand. Meanwhile, please do not lose touch with your community here & turn to everyone here for friendship, conversation & encouragement whenever you require it.
 
Welcome back! Good to hear you're safe and sound again.

Without going into detail, I will say I've been in a very similar situation before--years, in fact--and I know what you are going through. I won't sugar coat it: it's extremely difficult. There may be times you'll want to give up. Keep moving. Roll with it. Do the best you can. Your case manager and the folks at the day clinic want you help you, and they can. And, of course, we'll always be here for moral support. :cool:
 
Yeah, you know, I don’t know if this is really true for a lot of the people here, but the thing is, to be perfectly honest, coming on here at all makes me uncomfortable to an extent. This is mostly just because of the fact that due to my upbringing, I am ashamed to have Asperger’s. I see that a lot of people here think of it as a source of pride, but for me it’s always just been something I’m ashamed of. When I was first diagnosed with it in 5th Grade, I refused to acknowledge that I actually had it.

Although I have long since accepted that I have it, my gut reaction whenever talking about it is still to feel ashamed and try to play it down as much as I can. I have severe self-esteem issues, which has pretty much always been true for me. One visible way this asserts itself is that years ago, and still to a lesser extent now, I’ll sort of experience old memories of me having “Aspie Moments” that will just pop into my head and whenever they do, it makes me physically cringe and feel an intense sense of shame because I know in retrospect how those moments made me appear like a freak to other people.

One of the main sources of my self-esteem issues and actually one of the major reasons I ended up being admitted to the hospital was my adversarial relationship with my father, who although he was never officially diagnosed, my family, he included, have all come to accept that he also has AS. My father is a lot like me in a lot of ways, and in others is completely different. For example, he consciously chooses to abandon the concept of faith as something completely useless and detrimental. When I say that I’m not just talking about religion [I was raised in an Atheist Household, even though both of my parents were raised in religious families]. What I mean is that in a very absolutionist manner, he chooses not to believe in anything unless he has hard evidence for it.

This is a problem because it means he doesn’t really believe in me at all because my self-esteem issues have over the course of my life translated into a chronic lack of motivation. He will also proudly state that he was the one in my life who “held my feet to the fire” as he often puts it, “challenging” me on numerous occasions. From my point of view however, his very Authoritarian parenting methods were extremely traumatizing, only exacerbating my problems with believing in myself exponentially further. We would often have power struggles over everyday things and when boiled down to the essentials, the main crux of our disagreement was in our different definitions of what a father-son relationship was supposed to be like.

He would talk often about there being a “power dynamic” that the parent was supposed to be valued as superior to the child who should just know to follow their demands obediently. I disagreed with this opinion however because I realized that a truly healthy father-son relationship has to be built on trust as opposed to dominance. If the son doesn’t trust his father, then he’ll never be able to accept the things the man tells him to do, and the advice he gives, because subconsciously he’ll always have his guard up around him, fearing being attacked. In my constant desire to gain power over my father, which was fueled by the fear I felt because of him due to how he would often attack me verbally when he was trying to “challenge” me as I earlier stated, I would try every possible means I could to manipulate him.

This spanned every possible avenue from pitting my parents against one another to trying to resolve our issues by simply being nice to him and spending time together, often by going to Theatre shows, which we both enjoyed. Still, no matter what I tried, my father always took it like it didn’t phase him at all. Over the years my repeated attempts to gain leverage over my father actually trained me to be an excellent manipulator, a skill that I am now so proficient at that I actually possess an ability to rapidly scan a person when I meet them and by reading their body language and various traits about them, I am able to discern their greatest weaknesses after only minutes of interaction.

To this day my problems with my father remain unresolved, and I often told my Psychologist that if my mind were like a Solar System, then my relationship with my father was like the enormous sun placed right at the center of it, as I could always feel that no matter what other issues I had or why, psychologically they were always tied in somehow with my problems with him. He truly was the bane of my existence in a very literal sense.

Now, the reason why I said this was tied in with my going into the hospital before is because in the weeks leading up to my self-admitting myself there, my hatred, and I am not exaggerating when I use that word, became so intense, as it has at other such overly stressful times in my life, that I truly felt a desire to murder him. Mind you, this isn’t an urge I’m talking about, but an actual consciously acknowledged and even welcomed desire in me to kill him with my own hands. The only thing that kept me from following through on it was the knowledge that doing so would result in me being sent to prison for the rest of my life, so, in other words, I only refrained from killing him out of my own enlightened self interest. It was my openly declaring that fact when I was being interviewed at the hospital that was one of the major reasons they admitted me.

Then, as I said in my last post, this desire to kill my father was accompanied by other similar, although not quite as prevalent symptoms, such as the “Contrast Thoughts” [at least that’s what my Psychiatrist called them] concerning harming other people randomly, as well as the ones towards sexually assaulting virtually any attractive woman I came across. While in the hospital I came to understand that the urges were derived directly from however much stress I was under at any given moment, and that stress was the fuel that made these parts of myself grow stronger and more difficult to control.

In the few days before I had myself admitted, it would even go so far as to the extents where I would have thoughts towards doing the kinds of things seen in Serial Killer Horror Films. See, when I said that the darker half of my personality was pure evil, I wasn’t kidding. The kind of evil I’m talking about here is the kind that would smash an infant’s head against a wall just for the sake of being able to laugh at the mother’s reaction. It literally feels like how people often describe this sort of thing, as if I have an actual demon inside of me that I have to struggle every waking moment to keep in check. This demon is a being of primal rage and aggression, and now looking back I realize I’ve had it my entire life.

When I was growing up in school, this demon inside me is actually what allowed me to survive. I was always an outcast in school like most everyone else here, but I wasn’t really bullied at all in school because in addition for having a reputation as a freak, I was also known to be liable to punch you in the face if you messed with me. Therefore, people didn’t really bother me very much in school because they knew I would flip out on them if they did.

The problem with that now is that while in a school environment as a child, using violence is for the most part tolerated, once you graduate high school and enter into the adult world, any use of violence whatsoever is virtually completely forbidden, especially for a big, strong, unattractive man like myself who is known to have mental issues. And so, the conflict that I now find myself confronted with is my desire to hold onto the power that that part of myself gives me as a means of defending myself, being weighed against my known difficulties with controlling it whenever I get particularly emotional. Trying to strike a balance between holding onto enough of that part of me that I can defend myself while not so much that I can’t control it anymore is the problem I currently face, and until I solve it I won’t be able to trust myself enough to ever really be able to let my guard down again.

That’s quite a pickle, don’t you think?
 
You make a loooooot of sense to me. That's a lot of stress and stress-related things to deal with. They really should include "lingering fantasies of clobbering somebody with a baseball bat" on the symptom list for severe stress. I don't think you're "beyond repair", but I think it's going to take a lot of love and support to get you back within relatively normal parameters, including being able to manipulate how much power/aggression you can suppress or keep in reserve until it's needed. I do hope you're able to make peace with a lot of your issues.
 
For your physical energy, you need a room or something where you can hit a punching bag or something more appropriate like that when you need relief possibly. Something where no other human being or animal will get hurt. Maybe get enrolled in a gym if possible, a 24-7 gym like Planet Fitness if possible too.

Since your father does not understand you truly (and does not seem to listen either), may be you should not live with him if possible. I have a mother who cares about me a lot, but has been extremely overly negative and blaming me for things happening to me and being this way and that and not able to understand complex situations no matter how clear I am. I have to deal with potential language barriers and general contextual understanding barriers despite her otherwise good fluency with English. I was not mature enough, nor did I have a job to live more on my own. Living on my own has helped more, but it's hard for me to know how to take care of things, fixing, etc., and I still need my mom for those kind of things. Sometimes, even if I have a solution on my own, I don't feel the freedom to take care of it because she might get overly upset that I didn't try hard enough to find a cheaper way, or that I should know what she's talking about, etc.

Emotions and energy take time to heal or at least move on, and I hope you can find a good path acceptable to all. I hope this posting helped at least a little.
 
I am still dealing with being molested as a toddler by my uncle, and more recently being molested by a relative when I was 14-15, a nine month period , it was hard on me, he masturbated me and then did oral to me, then he would french kiss me and he tried to enter me but couldn't get hard enough he was in his upper 50's
 
Yeah, you know, I don’t know if this is really true for a lot of the people here, but the thing is, to be perfectly honest, coming on here at all makes me uncomfortable to an extent. This is mostly just because of the fact that due to my upbringing, I am ashamed to have Asperger’s. I see that a lot of people here think of it as a source of pride, but for me it’s always just been something I’m ashamed of. When I was first diagnosed with it in 5th Grade, I refused to acknowledge that I actually had it.

Although I have long since accepted that I have it, my gut reaction whenever talking about it is still to feel ashamed and try to play it down as much as I can. I have severe self-esteem issues, which has pretty much always been true for me. One visible way this asserts itself is that years ago, and still to a lesser extent now, I’ll sort of experience old memories of me having “Aspie Moments” that will just pop into my head and whenever they do, it makes me physically cringe and feel an intense sense of shame because I know in retrospect how those moments made me appear like a freak to other people.

One of the main sources of my self-esteem issues and actually one of the major reasons I ended up being admitted to the hospital was my adversarial relationship with my father, who although he was never officially diagnosed, my family, he included, have all come to accept that he also has AS. My father is a lot like me in a lot of ways, and in others is completely different. For example, he consciously chooses to abandon the concept of faith as something completely useless and detrimental. When I say that I’m not just talking about religion [I was raised in an Atheist Household, even though both of my parents were raised in religious families]. What I mean is that in a very absolutionist manner, he chooses not to believe in anything unless he has hard evidence for it.

This is a problem because it means he doesn’t really believe in me at all because my self-esteem issues have over the course of my life translated into a chronic lack of motivation. He will also proudly state that he was the one in my life who “held my feet to the fire” as he often puts it, “challenging” me on numerous occasions. From my point of view however, his very Authoritarian parenting methods were extremely traumatizing, only exacerbating my problems with believing in myself exponentially further. We would often have power struggles over everyday things and when boiled down to the essentials, the main crux of our disagreement was in our different definitions of what a father-son relationship was supposed to be like.

He would talk often about there being a “power dynamic” that the parent was supposed to be valued as superior to the child who should just know to follow their demands obediently. I disagreed with this opinion however because I realized that a truly healthy father-son relationship has to be built on trust as opposed to dominance. If the son doesn’t trust his father, then he’ll never be able to accept the things the man tells him to do, and the advice he gives, because subconsciously he’ll always have his guard up around him, fearing being attacked. In my constant desire to gain power over my father, which was fueled by the fear I felt because of him due to how he would often attack me verbally when he was trying to “challenge” me as I earlier stated, I would try every possible means I could to manipulate him.

This spanned every possible avenue from pitting my parents against one another to trying to resolve our issues by simply being nice to him and spending time together, often by going to Theatre shows, which we both enjoyed. Still, no matter what I tried, my father always took it like it didn’t phase him at all. Over the years my repeated attempts to gain leverage over my father actually trained me to be an excellent manipulator, a skill that I am now so proficient at that I actually possess an ability to rapidly scan a person when I meet them and by reading their body language and various traits about them, I am able to discern their greatest weaknesses after only minutes of interaction.

To this day my problems with my father remain unresolved, and I often told my Psychologist that if my mind were like a Solar System, then my relationship with my father was like the enormous sun placed right at the center of it, as I could always feel that no matter what other issues I had or why, psychologically they were always tied in somehow with my problems with him. He truly was the bane of my existence in a very literal sense.

Now, the reason why I said this was tied in with my going into the hospital before is because in the weeks leading up to my self-admitting myself there, my hatred, and I am not exaggerating when I use that word, became so intense, as it has at other such overly stressful times in my life, that I truly felt a desire to murder him. Mind you, this isn’t an urge I’m talking about, but an actual consciously acknowledged and even welcomed desire in me to kill him with my own hands. The only thing that kept me from following through on it was the knowledge that doing so would result in me being sent to prison for the rest of my life, so, in other words, I only refrained from killing him out of my own enlightened self interest. It was my openly declaring that fact when I was being interviewed at the hospital that was one of the major reasons they admitted me.

Then, as I said in my last post, this desire to kill my father was accompanied by other similar, although not quite as prevalent symptoms, such as the “Contrast Thoughts” [at least that’s what my Psychiatrist called them] concerning harming other people randomly, as well as the ones towards sexually assaulting virtually any attractive woman I came across. While in the hospital I came to understand that the urges were derived directly from however much stress I was under at any given moment, and that stress was the fuel that made these parts of myself grow stronger and more difficult to control.

In the few days before I had myself admitted, it would even go so far as to the extents where I would have thoughts towards doing the kinds of things seen in Serial Killer Horror Films. See, when I said that the darker half of my personality was pure evil, I wasn’t kidding. The kind of evil I’m talking about here is the kind that would smash an infant’s head against a wall just for the sake of being able to laugh at the mother’s reaction. It literally feels like how people often describe this sort of thing, as if I have an actual demon inside of me that I have to struggle every waking moment to keep in check. This demon is a being of primal rage and aggression, and now looking back I realize I’ve had it my entire life.

When I was growing up in school, this demon inside me is actually what allowed me to survive. I was always an outcast in school like most everyone else here, but I wasn’t really bullied at all in school because in addition for having a reputation as a freak, I was also known to be liable to punch you in the face if you messed with me. Therefore, people didn’t really bother me very much in school because they knew I would flip out on them if they did.

The problem with that now is that while in a school environment as a child, using violence is for the most part tolerated, once you graduate high school and enter into the adult world, any use of violence whatsoever is virtually completely forbidden, especially for a big, strong, unattractive man like myself who is known to have mental issues. And so, the conflict that I now find myself confronted with is my desire to hold onto the power that that part of myself gives me as a means of defending myself, being weighed against my known difficulties with controlling it whenever I get particularly emotional. Trying to strike a balance between holding onto enough of that part of me that I can defend myself while not so much that I can’t control it anymore is the problem I currently face, and until I solve it I won’t be able to trust myself enough to ever really be able to let my guard down again.

That’s quite a pickle, don’t you think?

Is it possible for you to see your violent fantasies/desires as a sign of how stressed you are rather than a literal urge to hurt people? And then take steps to deal with the stress. Maybe it was the mention of schizophrenia earlier in this thread, but I am reminded of how their 'voices' can be like an unlabeled metaphor for the emotions in their lives, because they were unable to express those emotions directly and honestly. You seem like you have a good understanding of the causes, but you're still trying to fight and restrain the urges, thinking they are evil. Maybe it's okay to accept them as a part of you--they are just fantasies, trying to tell you something about your wellbeing, but doing it in an indirect way. So, instead of taking them at face value, you might consider what they are really indicating. I dunno, just a thought, as I haven't experienced it myself.

As for your father, that seems more directly related to the source of your stress and as such probably needs to be dealt with separately. But I am no psychologist. I wish you all the best in your journey. You seem like a very intelligent person, and I am sure you have the strength and understanding to work through this. Best of luck.

ETA: I don't mean to say this is the same as schizophrenia, and maybe what I said is useless because of that. But it just seems dangerous to me to separate two parts of yourself so much. It never leads to good things, even for something as everyday as procrastination, which can result when you split yourself into the 'taskmaster' and the 'worker' and you see yourself as constantly needing threats and never living up to what you 'should' do and resenting work...instead of having a united self that just chooses to work. I hope that makes sense... but it is not an easy thing to change, certainly.
 
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never never never never never never give up on your self i wish you a very very very very very very happy day filled with happiness and rainbows
 

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