My Aspie sons' support cat has died suddenly...

[HelzBelz]

Hi all, just wanting to touch base and share, in case anyone has some tips or advice for me.
My 16 year old son has a cat who has been his support pet for the last 3 years while he dealt with the repercussions of sexual abuse, self-harming and attempted suicide. His cat was his go-to after a rough day at school or the pressure of assignments and exams. My son has slowly climbed out of his darkness but still relies heavily on his cat connection. His bedroom designs (I'm renovating) and future plans are all planned with his cat in mind.
His cat was hit and killed by a car yesterday. He is totally broken. His siblings are all super concerned he will slip back into depression, self harm or suicide. Totally understandable, and although I don't think he will sink that low, I worry.
He doesn't want to go near any of our other pets and it is really too soon to even consider getting him another support pet. I'm trying to find the right balance of giving him space to grieve and encouraging him not to hide too much from the world.
Anyone who has found ways of getting through this type of situation, please let me know what helped. Being a very sole-focused Aspie means he can't currently see anything outside of his devastation. I know time and patience will get him through but any tips appreciated.

 

[the_tortoise]

Maybe see if he would like to have a ceremony of some kind to honor his cat, and/or to say goodbye -- doesn't matter what it is, as long as it is meaningful to him. Even if it's something he wants to do privately, it may help.

Make sure he knows that if he feels like his life is over and he will never be happy again, that's understandable and normal -- but that it will not last forever; He will, someday (nobody can say when, but it will happen), get used to this new world/life that is missing his cat, and someday he will find happness again....someday thoughts and memories of his cat will bring more happiness, and less sadness/pain (or at least the sadness will, usually, be easier to bear). And that until this happens, you will be there to support him.

I think it is not just aspies/auties who see nothing but devastation, at least in the early days of such a huge and painful loss. I think it is common for people in general, even if it is not universal.

 

[Major Tom]

Aww that is VERY sad. I'm so sorry. I don't know what really to tell you except that I've lost a lot of pets and the pain of it eventually dulls with time. Hope he can greive and recover from it ok. Pets teach us about life when they pass away, but it's not an easy lesson to learn.

 

[Mary Anne]

Please keep cats indoors! They do not belong outside. Not ever.

 

[HelzBelz]

Please keep cats indoors! They do not belong outside. Not ever.

In New Zealand it's super rare for cats to be totally indoor pets. Ours have all loved the outdoors, climbing trees, chasing leaves, patting at the stream. One here loves the rain and heads outdoors when it rains. Evenings and early mornings are their mad times for running, climbing and chasing. And with a cat door they can laze indoors or be outdoors in the sun and wind. It brings out their natural instincts and abilities. We live on an acre of trees and water, so our cats love the freedom of being true to their natural selves. It has been an unfortunate thing for this cat to head 200 metres away towards the road. Personally, I would feel awful for keeping a cat indoors all the time. Each to their own, but I like my animals to have as much of a taste of their natural environment as I can provide.

 

[HelzBelz]

Maybe see if he would like to have a ceremony of some kind to honor his cat, and/or to say goodbye -- doesn't matter what it is, as long as it is meaningful to him. Even if it's something he wants to do privately, it may help.

Make sure he knows that if he feels like his life is over and he will never be happy again, that's understandable and normal -- but that it will not last forever; He will, someday (nobody can say when, but it will happen), get used to this new world/life that is missing his cat, and someday he will find happness again....someday thoughts and memories of his cat will bring more happiness, and less sadness/pain (or at least the sadness will, usually, be easier to bear). And that until this happens, you will be there to support him.

I think it is not just aspies/auties who see nothing but devastation, at least in the early days of such a huge and painful loss. I think it is common for people in general, even if it is not universal.

Thanks for that. We (just him and I) have buried him in his favourite spot under a huge old oak tree he liked to sleep under. We took our time, talked through lots of memories and talked about his guilt over interacting with other animals.

 

[Thinx]

Maybe discuss that cats, and it seems male cats especially, are sometimes bold wanderers and so his cat was doing what is natural for him to do when he met a phenomenon, traffic, that he didn't understand.

I don't think it's that unusual btw for a cat to explore 200 metres away so if the roads that near this is going to be an ongoing risk, depending how busy the road is.

It sounds like a lovely ceremony and he has his companion near still at least. I picture my cats that have died as in a beautiful garden and alive there! I will ask them to look out for him.

 

[HelzBelz]

Maybe discuss that cats, and it seems male cats especially, are sometimes bold wanderers and so his cat was doing what is natural for him to do when he met a phenomenon, traffic, that he didn't understand.

I don't think it's that unusual btw for a cat to explore 200 metres away so if the roads that near this is going to be an ongoing risk, depending how busy the road is.

It sounds like a lovely ceremony and he has his companion near still at least. I picture my cats that have died as in a beautiful garden and alive there! I will ask them to look out for him.

Thank you for that. We have so much bush and trees around for him to explore (he was neutered so wasn't 'on the prowl') and he would frequently cross our stream to go deeper into the bush, but was seen occasionally heading towards the road, which we discouraged. We have shared some funny and memorable traits, and I'm saving up recent photos, so will take things slow and gentle for as long as needed. Thanks for that.

 

[Mary Anne]

First, I am sorry for your son’s loss. I realize cats indoors or outdoors is an ongoing debate especially in western culture. I am a huge animal lover, having owned many cats, dogs, birds, rabbits, etc. I also worked at a nature center for years where I educated people about wildlife and nature.

I also had a heart breaking experience where my beloved cat squeezed out of a screened window and got killed by a gangbanger’s pit bull. I am still mourning him, and that happened in 2001! Every pet has a different personality. Uniquely different. This cat was his best friend.

Please understand that our domesticated cats are originally from an introduced wild cat species originally from the Middle East or Asia. https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/06/domesticated-cats-dna-genetics-pets-science/ They are not “natural” to New Zealand, nor the USA (where I live), or Great Britain, etc. Cats in New Zealand - Wikipedia Now, Outdoor cats (included pets and feral) are responsible for annually killing hundreds of billions of native species: birds, squirrels, rabbits, and chipmunks, reptiles, and amphibians . When introduced to islands, they are known to wipe out entire species of native animals. Outdoor cats can pick up disease From other feral cats and mammals)/injurious to not only themselves, but to humans. http://www.animalplanet.com/pets/5-most-dangerous-cat-diseases/

I can understand that having such a lovely lush property, that any pet would enjoy roaming around in there. But cars are everywhere these days. Other cats are also roaming around out there fighting each other over territory. Disease, and predators injure cats too. In the USA, coyotes have a steady diet of feral and/or outdoor cats (pets) to eat in urban regions such as mine.

I understand how it would be different culturally for you to understand a common USA practice of keeping cats indoors. We have a serious problem of outdoor cats in the US. https://www.nature.com/articles/ncomms2380

My 2 cats are very happy indoors and live stress-free contented lives. They have a 5 foot indoor “ tree” to climb. Windows to observe wildlife. Many toys. Each other. Me. They know no other life. They also stay very active and are not overweight.

Sorry to derail the conversation. I can understand how devestated your son feels.

 

[the_tortoise]

Thanks for that. We (just him and I) have buried him in his favourite spot under a huge old oak tree he liked to sleep under. We took our time, talked through lots of memories and talked about his guilt over interacting with other animals.

That sounds like a very good resting place and a beautiful way to honor him/say goodbye.

THought of another thing with the guilt: If you think it might help and have not already said something like this (and, of course, assuming it is likely to be true based on who this cat was), maybe mention to your son that his cat would probably be relieved and happy to know that he had other non-humans to comfort and care for him right now and going forward in his life. Thoughts like these have helped me recently, with the loss of my cat (who was my best friend, and looked after me as much as I looked after her).

@Mary Anne, I know you mean well, but if you posted these things about keeping cats inside on a thread about me or a child of mine losing an indoor/outdoor cat to a car on a road, I would be deeply hurt and right pissed off. It would seem to me like you were lecturing me at a time when I needed support, exploiting my/my child's loss for your own purposes, and kicking me when I was already down. It would seem to me like you were implying that it was my fault my cat had been hit by a car (not true -- we humans would be less likely to die from such accidents, too, if we never left the house), and that my cat would still be alive if I had kept them inside (no guarantee of that, accidents happen inside and out and indoor cats can get out and be hit by cars, too).....I understand this is important to you, but you could have started a new thread to argue about why cats should be kept indoors. I will say no more on this subject.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

I love animal especially cat but I fear their death so much I cant have one ( or ask to have one im living with my parents.) , this story brought me some tears realy. I have no tips at all about that, is he still followed by a therapist?

 

[Gracey]

I’m sorry to read of your son’s loss.

I hope he won’t withdraw too much.

A small, private ceremony sounds like a great plan.
The realism of loss and having to say goodbye.

Of course there is that void that the cat filled.
That non human, non demanding, peaceful, calm, private acceptance a cat provides.

Would your son understand the concept of ‘Rainbow Bridge?’

Or perhaps his cat had an accident and had to leave him but there’s another in a cat shelter that’s lonely and would like to meet him.

(If you contact a local, reputable cat shelter, explain the circumstances and your sons needs, they may have a genuine,calm, affectionate, adult lap cat awaiting rehoming?)

If your son could understand that his original cat was sorry he had to leave but has asked this other cat to take his place?

Yes it is fibbing and warping the truth but with the kindest of intention.

 

[HelzBelz]

I’m sorry to read of your son’s loss.

I hope he won’t withdraw too much.

A small, private ceremony sounds like a great plan.
The realism of loss and having to say goodbye.

Of course there is that void that the cat filled.
That non human, non demanding, peaceful, calm, private acceptance a cat provides.

Would your son understand the concept of ‘Rainbow Bridge?’

Or perhaps his cat had an accident and had to leave him but there’s another in a cat shelter that’s lonely and would like to meet him.

(If you contact a local, reputable cat shelter, explain the circumstances and your sons needs, they may have a genuine,calm, affectionate, adult lap cat awaiting rehoming?)

If your son could understand that his original cat was sorry he had to leave but has asked this other cat to take his place?

Yes it is fibbing and warping the truth but with the kindest of intention.

Gosh, this is really good advice, thank you. Yes, I have been agonising over how and when to bring up that non-human void he now has - especially when he is so low and in extra need of a non-human companion. He had rescued his cat from a shelter as an almost adult cat and they really seemed to pick each other. I think I might sit by the fire with him today and talk about this. Thank you so much.

 

[HelzBelz]

I love animal especially cat but I fear their death so much I cant have one ( or ask to have one im living with my parents.) , this story brought me some tears realy. I have no tips at all about that, is he still followed by a therapist?

Yes, I can understand this fear of loss. It's a tough one in our family as we have always had animals of some description around. He's not seeing a therapist any more, but I have contacts in case he sinks really low.

 

[HelzBelz]

That sounds like a very good resting place and a beautiful way to honor him/say goodbye.

THought of another thing with the guilt: If you think it might help and have not already said something like this (and, of course, assuming it is likely to be true based on who this cat was), maybe mention to your son that his cat would probably be relieved and happy to know that he had other non-humans to comfort and care for him right now and going forward in his life. Thoughts like these have helped me recently, with the loss of my cat (who was my best friend, and looked after me as much as I looked after her).

I have gently talked about how his cat would want to see him happy with his life and would not resent him loving other animals. I've also acknowledged that no other pet could replace Tyler and he will always hold a special place in his heart as his first, most trusted cat.

 

[Gracey]

Gosh, this is really good advice, thank you. Yes, I have been agonising over how and when to bring up that non-human void he now has - especially when he is so low and in extra need of a non-human companion. He had rescued his cat from a shelter as an almost adult cat and they really seemed to pick each other. I think I might sit by the fire with him today and talk about this. Thank you so much.

I would be pleased if my suggestion was of any use

I hope your son is open to the idea one day soon and he gets picked again at the cat shelter

 

[HelzBelz]

First, I am sorry for your son’s loss. I realize cats indoors or outdoors is an ongoing debate especially in western culture. I am a huge animal lover, having owned many cats, dogs, birds, rabbits, etc. I also worked at a nature center for years where I educated people about wildlife and nature.

I also had a heart breaking experience where my beloved cat squeezed out of a screened window and got killed by a gangbanger’s pit bull. I am still mourning him, and that happened in 2001! Every pet has a different personality. Uniquely different. This cat was his best friend.

Please understand that our domesticated cats are originally from an introduced wild cat species originally from the Middle East or Asia. https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/06/domesticated-cats-dna-genetics-pets-science/ They are not “natural” to New Zealand, nor the USA (where I live), or Great Britain, etc. Cats in New Zealand - Wikipedia Now, Outdoor cats (included pets and feral) are responsible for annually killing hundreds of billions of native species: birds, squirrels, rabbits, and chipmunks, reptiles, and amphibians . When introduced to islands, they are known to wipe out entire species of native animals. Outdoor cats can pick up disease From other feral cats and mammals)/injurious to not only themselves, but to humans. http://www.animalplanet.com/pets/5-most-dangerous-cat-diseases/

I can understand that having such a lovely lush property, that any pet would enjoy roaming around in there. But cars are everywhere these days. Other cats are also roaming around out there fighting each other over territory. Disease, and predators injure cats too. In the USA, coyotes have a steady diet of feral and/or outdoor cats (pets) to eat in urban regions such as mine.

I understand how it would be different culturally for you to understand a common USA practice of keeping cats indoors. We have a serious problem of outdoor cats in the US. https://www.nature.com/articles/ncomms2380

My 2 cats are very happy indoors and live stress-free contented lives. They have a 5 foot indoor “ tree” to climb. Windows to observe wildlife. Many toys. Each other. Me. They know no other life. They also stay very active and are not overweight.

Sorry to derail the conversation. I can understand how devestated your son feels.

Thanks for that. I do understand what you're saying and know your intentions are good. Like I said, it is almost unheard of to keep a cat completely indoors in NZ. I have heard of people doing it in big cities, but I've never seen it first hand. We've never had an issue with feral cats, diseases or predators. And I do understand that cats are not a native species to our country. They do occasionally catch mice or birds (more often mice) and depending on the cat we usually catch it and release it back outside. Our cats are all vaccinated and neutered, so we're not irresponsible enough to let them breed etc.
So I get what you're saying but I won't be looking at keeping any totally indoors. Also we have a dog door for the dog and cats to get out, so they all come and go.

 

[HelzBelz]

I would be pleased if my suggestion was of any use

I hope your son is open to the idea one day soon and he gets picked again at the cat shelter

"...picked again at the cat shelter..." - beautifully put.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi all, just wanting to touch base and share, in case anyone has some tips or advice for me.
My 16 year old son has a cat who has been his support pet for the last 3 years while he dealt with the repercussions of sexual abuse, self-harming and attempted suicide. His cat was his go-to after a rough day at school or the pressure of assignments and exams. My son has slowly climbed out of his darkness but still relies heavily on his cat connection. His bedroom designs (I'm renovating) and future plans are all planned with his cat in mind.
His cat was hit and killed by a car yesterday. He is totally broken. His siblings are all super concerned he will slip back into depression, self harm or suicide. Totally understandable, and although I don't think he will sink that low, I worry.
He doesn't want to go near any of our other pets and it is really too soon to even consider getting him another support pet. I'm trying to find the right balance of giving him space to grieve and encouraging him not to hide too much from the world.
Anyone who has found ways of getting through this type of situation, please let me know what helped. Being a very sole-focused Aspie means he can't currently see anything outside of his devastation. I know time and patience will get him through but any tips appreciated.

 

[Mary Anne]

@Mary Anne, I know you mean well, but if you posted these things about keeping cats inside on a thread about me or a child of mine losing an indoor/outdoor cat to a car on a road, I would be deeply hurt and right pissed off. It would seem to me like you were lecturing me at a time when I needed support, exploiting my/my child's loss for your own purposes, and kicking me when I was already down. It would seem to me like you were implying that it was my fault my cat had been hit by a car (not true -- we humans would be less likely to die from such accidents, too, if we never left the house), and that my cat would still be alive if I had kept them inside (no guarantee of that, accidents happen inside and out and indoor cats can get out and be hit by cars, too).....I understand this is important to you, but you could have started a new thread to argue about why cats should be kept indoors. I will say no more on this subject.

I can understand your POV. I care more about animals then humans. (I care about BOTH very much). However, it needed to be said and within this thread! Because even if another cat is placed in the same home, there is no guarantee that the next cat does not meet the same fate. This devastation would be torture to the original poster’s son. I live near a big farm. They have outdoor cats, kittens, etc. You would think the cats would be happy to stay on the big farm -right? No, we find them dead on the highway. I know, because I have gotten to know all the cats from when they are kittens. I can identify them by markings, colors, etc. It pisses me off! I cry for days every time.

I want to spare the poster’s son from any further trauma! I did some research on New Zealand. It seems that the culture is one where everyone does keep cats outside, and the government was so bold as to proposing euthanizing all outdoor cats (due to predation on rare, near extinct species) rather than instigating a public awareness campaign to keep cats indoors. It’s crazy, because it’s very easy to teach cats to love living indoors (when they are kittens- but even free roaming adults from shelters can learn). Dogs too. It’s against the law (USA) to have dogs run wild outdoors anyways.

I am sorry if I triggered anyone, but it is important to think of the “why” in these events just as it’s important to NOT repeat the trauma again in the future. Is the property completely fenced in? Expensive proposal. Besides cats can climb over fences. Cats do not know the rules and will explore. I do not think the answer is to get another cat, under these conditions. Even the dog could be killed by a passing car. Or accidentally by hunters if that is going on around outside the property.