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more questions and clarification

K

Kayla Joanne

Member
hi, i know i dont post a lot on here, but my fiancee has aspergers and we fight a LOT, mainly because i'm not being too blunt, but i dont know how i can be more straightforwward with him.... ? our last argument was tonight because i went to a party and he felt uncomfortable with me going, and i understand that completely. but i very simply stated that nothing would have happened to me, that everyone i was with would have made sure i was okay (i was the younges there, i'm only 18 and it was in a part of my town that has a reputation for some troublemakers). i told him exactly what happened, because one guy decided to say he was going to take advantage of me and the other girls that were there (nobody touched me or anyone else, so it's okay there)(by the way, the guy got his a** handed to him and is now on the run). but i assured him multiple times that the people i was with i felt safe around and if i didnt feel safe i would not have gone or stayed the night, it was around three am before i realized how late it was, so we just crashed there. i very plainly told him that i felt he did not trust me or the people that i was with (and he knows them very well, its my brother and his fiancee, whom i like a lot) and that was the reason i was getting so angry. i can understand that he doesnt pick up on some things, but how could i put that more clearly or in a different way so he'll understand? i hate fighting with him but i always feel like i could be doing something different.... if there's any other suggestions on how to handle him when he's stubborn and wont listen or hear me out, i'd like to hear them. any help is appreciated, thanks.
 
This may not be the answer you are hoping for. Sorry in advance. You are in a committed relationship with this person, as you say you are his finacee: so, if you are going to be in a relationship then you may need to change how you behave if it stresses him very badly. Like for example, give him - ahead of time - a time that you will be home by, and stick to it.
 
If my (long term) boyfriend went to a party without me, with people I didn't know (assuming your brother and his fiancee were not the only people at the party) in a location that wasn't safe, and stayed the night unplanned, I'd be pissed- and he's a grown man.

He's probably legitimately worried for your safety. I can't speak for you of course but I know when I was 18-20 I felt invincible. If you think he's being overprotective or overreacting, take him with you. If he doesn't want to go- if he's a homebody or hates groups and you're very social for example, well, this may not end well. I do have some personal experience with this, it caused problems in the early days of my marriage (which ended in divorce but for other reasons).
 
In this specific instance, it sounds like he's just worried for your safety. You said it was a sort of sketchy area of town, right? He's a guy, he's probably just concerned for your safety even if as you said he knows the people you were with very well. Your post being all one big paragraph is a little hard to read, so sorry if you said this already, but were you planning on staying the night or had you planned to come home? Cause if he didn't know ahead of time you were staying the night too, i can fully understand his worry. He sounds protective but i would think its any guy's right to be protective over the woman he's marrying. Depending on the situation he might just be being a little overprotective.

I would say that the most you can do is, in situations like this, set clear guidelines ahead of time and stick to them. That's really the most you can do as far as preparing for it. If you're planning on coming home, set a time or a range of time for him to expect you back by and maybe text him when you're leaving so he knows. Sudden outtings, even if its just your outing, could possibly be anxiety provoking cause it unexpected. Let him know in advanced what your weekend plans are.

One thing, though...when explaining your point of view to him, make sure that you're staying as calm as possible. As an aspie i can't handle my own emotions very well let alone those of others. If someone's mad at me i get too anxious and overwhelmed by their anger to properly focus, listen, and process the situation. Furthermore, i can't even tell the difference between humor, irritation, and anger let alone tell how angry someone is no matter how long i've known them. Some people i'll learn to read over time, others i'll pretty much never learn to read. It just depends on the person. That being said i'm very non-confrontational, i hate confrontation. I avoid it all costs. I don't know what you and your fiancee are like.
 
[QUOTE="Kayla Joanne, i'm only 18 and it was in a part of my town that has a reputation for some troublemakers). one guy decided to say he was going to take advantage of me it was around three am before i realized how late it was, so we just crashed there. [/QUOTE]

You (really) should (read) your own post, with your self in your boyfriends shoes. You went, (without your boyfriend, not cool), to a wild party, with bad dangerous people (your words),:eek: you did not come home, and stayed out all night getting drunk and doing who knows what, with who knows whom,(in his mind) eeeew!:confused: How upset do you think you would be if it had been you at home sitting up all night worrying.:( I'm a very nice guy but I would be considering deleting your phone number and burning your address about now.o_O If I were you, I'd put on my cutest outfit, bake his favorite pie, and go promise him it will, (never ever), happen again,:innocent: and pray it works. Otherwise get used to losing boyfriends, this pig wont fly if you strapped a 747 to it's back.:rolleyes: sorry not trying to be mean, just helping you keep the boyfriend:)hopfully
 
You need to put yourself in his shoes, think about what you just said. You might feel confident in your safety because of your friends, but what did he have while you were gone? You might not see a lot of risks, but he certainly does, and you need to acknowledge those risks, every possible way this could have gone wrong, and work through them with him. Find things to do that help reassure him that you're safe. The biggest thing here is to make sure that he knows that no matter what happens, you're fine, because for a lot of aspies, that inherent faith that your friends have your back, or the faith that other people will do the right thing, they're very difficult concepts. We need facts & updates over promises and faith.
 
My husband's is normal, but he didn't like me going to visit with married couples from work just because there would be guys there. Either ya drag him along or find new friends. Just comes with the territory, I guess.
 
It is a mistake to try to adhere to the expectations of others.
Better To Die On Your Feet Than To Live On Your Knees.
 
Peace said:
It is a mistake to try to adhere to the expectations of others.
Better To Die On Your Feet Than To Live On Your Knees.
Click to expand...

I have to agree with you there Peace...what was the quote...Better to be a King of a dung hill than a begging Dog in a palace. Hemingway???:confused: or True love is worth more than a thousand parties. Maelstrom:)
 
in response to everyone, there was no way he could have gone with me, we dont live in the same house. he knows the people i went with and he's okay with them and likes them (they were family). it was very early in the morning when i realized what time it was, and i had no way of contacting him. he knew i was safe and i also had given him a forewarning that it was a possibility that i could have stayed the night and i was with family. i don't have a phone and there was no wifi or computer there so i had no way of telling him anything. he knew i was safe with my family and i understand that he was worried but he refused to listen to me and hear me out. we're fine now and we've moved on from it, so its no longer an issue.
 
Kayla Joanne said:
in response to everyone, there was no way he could have gone with me, we dont live in the same house. he knows the people i went with and he's okay with them and likes them (they were family). it was very early in the morning when i realized what time it was, and i had no way of contacting him. he knew i was safe and i also had given him a forewarning that it was a possibility that i could have stayed the night and i was with family. i don't have a phone and there was no wifi or computer there so i had no way of telling him anything. he knew i was safe with my family and i understand that he was worried but he refused to listen to me and hear me out. we're fine now and we've moved on from it, so its no longer an issue.
Click to expand...
So long as you two are still up for chatting and explaining, things look good. :)
 
In the future ...it might be worth timing what information you share.

Later in life, you'll meet men who have complete faith and confidence in you.

But for now, you're with this guy so you have to work within his limitations, and it sounds like you have the patience for the times he refuses to listen to you. Cheers!
 
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