Mom Doesn’t Believe Diagnosis

[Taylor Lemke]

Hi,

Recently I was diagnosed with Level 1 ASD. All my life I felt like a misfit and couldn’t relate to others, not socializing as others seemed to do. In fact, I used to get yelled at for the things I couldn’t do like show my emotions, not talk, shutdown, no eye contact, cry randomly, my sensory issues, my routine, etc.

I decided to seek a diagnosis and my mom was on board with me and through the research, could see these symptoms all my life. However, my stepdad who doesn’t talk to me and has only been with my mom for 3 Years was like no she doesn’t. He plays mind games til people see it his way.

Since the diagnosis my mom has seen his way and she says I’m lying, even with my diagnosis. Some of the things I was told is that I created this phantom illness, I studied the symptoms to act like it, I paid my psychologist for my test results and my stepdad has called me cold, negative and lifeless.

I am a Christian and my mom has even gone far with telling me this is the work of the enemy and not God. I was wondering if other people have gone through this in the community?

 

[Chance]

Taylor... welcome home

Just start reading... Gosh people are so freaking weird... My wife would be in your mom's position.
People are for you then against you and they wonder why we are so messed up?

I don't see other ASD people flip flopping around manipulating people. I may be stupid and lying to myself, but in general we are too busy just trying to understand LIFE to be playing games we suck at.

BY THE WAY- you are not part of the "enemy's" camp! You are the way GOD made you and your "Christian" mother should be the first person on this planet to support that... Sorry but I have a thing with parents not supporting their kids- you will read more on that than you may want to know if you dig around on this site.

Anyway, keep your chin up. I'm not sure how old you are. You sound like a young adult? Just know it's going to be okay and you have a lot of LIFE left to live. Don't let people get too far into your head. It messes you up. I know I let that happen and if I can try to not let it happen to others than I have a purpose to be here.

 

[Gritches]

The farthest I'll comment on the religious aspects here is to remind us all that of the basic tenet that we are all created in God's image. That, and I seem to remember a Bible verse talking about how God's true people should feel as aliens in this world. Hmm.

But yeah, to tell you what you already know it sounds like your stepdad has manipulated your mother something fierce. But the fact that she was on board with you before he got to her tells me that she supports you and wants you to be happy, but this guy has convinced her that your path to happiness lies elsewhere.

I'm trying not to tell people what to do, but I just get the strong feeling that your mother is still in your corner regardless of what she's been told to believe. The good thing with guys like the one you describe is that their hot air balloon full off ******** eventually loses its air. If I had to give you advice on what to do, I'd say to stay strong in your convictions, avoid arguing (because it makes people dig in their heels deeper), and she'll hopefully come around.

Either way, it's an argument you're not likely to win, sadly. I am a Christian, and even I acknowledge the problem that religion can justify absolutely anything, absolutely any point of view regardless of empirical evidence, and that warped view will be clung to for dear life. Just stick to your guns. If she wants you, which it seems she does, make her accept you the way you are.

 

[Suzanne]

Poor you Taylor!

You said it yourself, the man your mother is married to, has twisted her mind to his way of thinking and why, despite all the evidence being "thrown" at her, she is choosing to not see it.

I have been accused that it is easy to read and then to mimic and that is despite acknowledging that something is not quite there.

My husband has a hard time believing this is real and acts like a stereo type NT. He has said that he fears that I will use my aspieness as an excuse to get out of doing things, which is grossly unfair, because I have not suddenly become like this and yet, I have never "tried to get out of things". He mainly bases this on an old friend who did manipulate his illness to get away with things. I have told my husband this and as yet, he will not admit he is being unfair.

The reason we are the way we are, is because NT's make us this way!

 

[Starfire]

@Taylor Lemke Hi Taylor, welcome!
What you have described is not uncommon. My mother was initially very supportive, went to the assessment with me, was interviewed in private and provided information about my early years and development. She was there when I received my diagnosis, and then went into a sort of denial. I don't know if perhaps some parents may feel it was their fault or they were in some way responsable so it's easier to dismiss the obvious, or what they are told by professionals and ignore or deny the findings to avoid feeling responsable or shoulder any blame. I would say give her some time to absorb recent events and perhaps come to terms with your diagnosis. That's not very helpful or comforting for you I know, but pushing it might make things worse. You can't force anyone to believe anything even if the facts are right under their nose!

Ironically cold, negative and lifeless are the sort of terms often used about people on the spectrum! Try to stay positive about your diagnosis and perhaps pray about it if you are a Christian. There is a great community of people here just like you, who you are a part of. Don't forget, the Lord works in mysterious ways, I'm sure he has a plan for you!

 

[WereBear]

The reason we are the way we are, is because NT's make us this way!

I agree. I am still trying to figure out what I am really like

It sucks when the people who are supposed to be in your corner are not. And since there are about 4,000 different flavors of Christianity, all claiming to be the right ones, it might help (if you can) to seek out Christians who are more loving and accepting.

And it's possible your mother is just appeasing StepDad, who sounds like a real jerk. If I'm going to fake an illness, I'm going to find one with a lot more advantages -- give me some credit!

 

[bails0bub]

I'm new to this also so this may be unhelpful.
The closest I can relate is when I was 4 or 5 I had my first anxiety attack and tried to describe it to my mother and her response was that it was demons trying to drag my soul to hell and that I should go prey for forgiveness for whatever I had done. I went on believing this is what was happening till I started high school.
Some times parents dont know best and get caught up in their own bs to much to notice.

 

[Keigan]

Welcome.

I hope your mother broadens her understanding and acceptance.

 

[Warmheart]

As intriguingly bizarre as they may be, I suggest turning away from their unscientific opinions.
A healthy response might be: "Whatevs. "

You have an official diagnosis.
You have just now finally found "your tribe."
You have no place to go from here on out but UP!
Enjoy your self-discovery.
Defining (and finding ways to support) your challenges and celebrating your strengths are all in store for you now.

No need to worry about someone's negativity. You have authenticity on your side, and you don't need external validation from Mom and Step Dad. In time, they may surprise you and come around. If not, your journey is nevertheless a positive experience. Welcome to the tribe. Rock on!

 

[Rasendra]

Been there, except my step mom with my dad instead. It isn't fun but unfortunately nothing you can do about it. I haven't really told my brothers but my step mom and my mom are both a bit skeptical. Lol well by a bit skeptical my step mom hates me and has lots of fun negative views about it. My mom more just humors me. Mostly I just don't share parts of myself with them, spend less time with them and sadly don't get much of a relationship with them, though due to all the judgement and such growing up we didn't have much of a relationship beforehand either.

Hopefully your mom is able to realize the truth but try not to let it pull you down. In any case you will find plenty of support here!

 

[Judge]

Sadly there will always be "unfounded bias" on the part of some people who simply cannot relate to something in whole or in part, so their response is to simply reject it out of hand.

It's what makes life so challenging for those of us on the spectrum. Knowing that the vast majority of humans are Neurotypical, and thus have little to no way of truly relating to us on much of any level. That their standards of behavior and perception are based exclusively on their own and not ours.

A perspective so pervasive that it can penetrate even the love a parent may have for their own child. Where their own ego shouts at them, "It's MY kid. They can't possibly have autism!"

And all in a society which socially and politically demands a majority consensus. That for every one of us, there are sixty-eight of them (according to the CDC in 2014). Where even those thought to be closest to you may well shun you on certain levels.

 

[Lemon Zing]

Is it not on your GP file? I'm sure your doctor would know, so your mother wouldn't be able to say you made this up (it's not nice to be called a liar). I'm sure that you can get a document somewhere that shows you have autism. Also, in Scotland you can carry a card for the police that has an emergency contact, so maybe this can be obtained in other countries too.

 

[dragoncat16]

I think and hope God created aspies in His own image. After all, if God were NT, He would deny people entrance to heaven based on eye contact and social standing. But God is said to be just and fair, and aspies are so much better at making rational decisions without bias than NTs. So I think God is an aspie. He even has the odd meltdown (turning someone into a pillar of salt, Noah's flood, etc.).

My own mom is slowly getting used to my diagnosis. Talking to her, you'd think that I was the perfect child and I never had any problems and I was so good at everything (which is true in a way, since I did reach certain milestones before most other kids). She doesn't seem to be able to accept that she produced a flawed child, and she likes to blame the troubles I had with getting along with other kids on my dad, of course. She is still trying to make me normal, by forcing me to do things I don't feel comfortable doing, and to give up things she thinks are unhealthy (such as using my computer, which, to me, is the way I prefer to connect to the outside world). Sometimes I just want to be in my own world, and she just doesn't seem to be able to accept that. She thinks I am rejecting her, but it isn't personal.

I believe that my own mom will come to terms with my diagnosis, and start to realize that I am the way I am and she is not doing me or herself any good by trying to change me. I hope that your mom will do the same with you eventually. We just have to be patient with them. They are our moms, after all.

 

[WereBear]

After all, if God were NT, He would deny people entrance to heaven based on eye contact and social standing.

This made me laugh so hard!

 

[pjcnet]

I've had it to a lesser extent from my Dad when I was younger, he on occasions stated that I was doing things that annoyed him on purpose that were autistic traits, but I have 2 severely autistic brothers (E.g. they can't count to 5 and need 24/7 care), I was extremely slow with language and showed autistic traits much more severely when I was a young child and I was initially diagnosed as autistic along with both my brothers by the highest expert in the field of autistic children in the UK in the 1970s who I visited at the Maudsley Hospital in London (Professor Michael Rutter, now Sir Professor Michael Rutter), neither of my parents could really deny it. Unlike my brothers however I improved significantly when I got older and I think my dad expected me to be "normal", but I still kept various traits and life was/is very difficult. I have since received a more up to date diagnosis as an adult.

My "friend" and neighbour who I see most days has very little patience or tolerance of my traits and also often complains that I am doing things on purpose just to annoy him (obviously very untrue). He often has a go and usually then asks why I do it, I reply, "because it's asperger syndrome", but he then always states that I just use this as an excuse. It is a lot worse coming from your parents however, I can simply walk away from my "friend", but if you live with your Mum it's obviously not so easy. I sincerely hope things improve for you and your family gain a better acceptance over time.

 

[Ambi]

If they think this is of the Enemy, I'm assuming they are saying that because they think you are just deluded and lying. I think it's really sad that they don't believe you. But I think there are others here who can relate. I doubt my own mother would have believed me, unless I got a diagnosis. My dad still wouldn't, I feel sure. They were just convinced I was full of character flaws.

 

[ksheehan88]

Hi,

Recently I was diagnosed with Level 1 ASD. All my life I felt like a misfit and couldn’t relate to others, not socializing as others seemed to do. In fact, I used to get yelled at for the things I couldn’t do like show my emotions, not talk, shutdown, no eye contact, cry randomly, my sensory issues, my routine, etc.

I decided to seek a diagnosis and my mom was on board with me and through the research, could see these symptoms all my life. However, my stepdad who doesn’t talk to me and has only been with my mom for 3 Years was like no she doesn’t. He plays mind games til people see it his way.

Since the diagnosis my mom has seen his way and she says I’m lying, even with my diagnosis. Some of the things I was told is that I created this phantom illness, I studied the symptoms to act like it, I paid my psychologist for my test results and my stepdad has called me cold, negative and lifeless.

I am a Christian and my mom has even gone far with telling me this is the work of the enemy and not God. I was wondering if other people have gone through this in the community?

This is what my Mum says to me. She thinks I WANT there to be something, so I'm making myself think that. Two of my children are also being assessed for ASD, backed by their school, and she still says I'm making it up. I think she just doesn't and doesn't want to understand it. She has this stereotypical idea of Autism and won't listen when I try to explain things to her.

You have a diagnosis, from a professional. Screw what your Mum thinks.

 

[Fitzo]

This is what my Mum says to me. She thinks I WANT there to be something, so I'm making myself think that. Two of my children are also being assessed for ASD, backed by their school, and she still says I'm making it up. I think she just doesn't and doesn't want to understand it. She has this stereotypical idea of Autism and won't listen when I try to explain things to her.

You have a diagnosis, from a professional. Screw what your Mum thinks.

I think most people are actually very ignorant about what Aspergers and autism really means. The only reason I started educating myself about it was because my young nephew started to show strong indicators at age 2. It was only as I read about the traits and characteristics that I recognized myself. Until then I only knew about the very stereotypical Aspie/Autie and I think most people are equally ignorant.
This was reinforced when I first approached my GP for a referral and he immediately assured me I don't have it because HE would know. He went on to tell me people are not diagnosed as adults. If this kind of general ignorance exists among health professionals, what hope is there for the rest of the population?
When it comes to denial by parents I think it is a combination of ignorance and not being able to accept that they have produced a child who isn't completely " normal". It is probably harder for them to accept if you appear to be relatively high functioning.

 

[ksheehan88]

I think most people are actually very ignorant about what Aspergers and autism really means. The only reason I started educating myself about it was because my young nephew started to show strong indicators at age 2. It was only as I read about the traits and characteristics that I recognized myself. Until then I only knew about the very stereotypical Aspie/Autie and I think most people are equally ignorant.
This was reinforced when I first approached my GP for a referral and he immediately assured me I don't have it because HE would know. He went on to tell me people are not diagnosed as adults. If this kind of general ignorance exists among health professionals, what hope is there for the rest of the population?
When it comes to denial by parents I think it is a combination of ignorance and not being able to accept that they have produced a child who isn't completely " normal". It is probably harder for them to accept if you appear to be relatively high functioning.

Agreed. Before I started researching because a friend had been diagnosed I had no idea about ASD, aside from the stereotypical stuff, this is also how I came to be referred for assessment - I saw many things in other people that I could see in myself. While I understand from that point that it can be difficult when you don't know any different, what I found frustrating with my mother was the lack of willingness to make an effort to understand.

 

[Fitzo]

Agreed. Before I started researching because a friend had been diagnosed I had no idea about ASD, aside from the stereotypical stuff, this is also how I came to be referred for assessment - I saw many things in other people that I could see in myself. While I understand from that point that it can be difficult when you don't know any different, what I found frustrating with my mother was the lack of willingness to make an effort to understand.

I think this attitude is partly due to the fact that autism just didn't really exist when they were growing up and they are distrustful and suspicious of conditions that have only come to prominence in recent years. I have no intention of even mentioning it to my mother and so far she knows nothing about my nephew. She knows that I have suffered from depression and insomnia for over 40 years but she still refuses to recognise even that! I know nothing will ever change that.