Memory Torture

[Aspieistj]

I don't mean you are having hideous memories because someone has actually tortured you--like a prisoner of war. I just became aware of this term as it applies to people cursed with fibromyalgia. The theory is that inadequate serotonin leads the person to constantly dwell on every little or huge moment in his/her life in which emotional pain was experienced. I do this almost all day, every day. Totally clear memories of something bad that happened to me, from the time I was in grade school (early 50s) up to the present, run through my mind almost constantly. I relive the humiliation, frustration, embarrassment, fear, pain, anger, guilt, and feelings of helplessness in exact detail. I am in almost constant emotional pain from this. Life this way is definitely torture. Is this an Aspie thing?

 

[Ereth]

I do the same thing.

I don't know if it's specifically an Asperger's issue, but autism can be comorbid with depression, which I also have. Constant negative thought patterns are one of the biggest symptoms of depression.

 

[Dustman319]

I too don't know if it's an Asperger's issue. I don't go through it every day like you do Aspieistj, but maybe once a week I remember things like getting beat up at school, my dad verbally abusing, my step-dad threatening me, a customer being rude to me when cleaning his table, etc.

When I do well, like getting my GED or getting certified in literary braille, I tend to use those people as motivation. Like every time I do well I prove them wrong, that I am someone worth while.

 

[Nolan1971]

I have had an overactive memory my whole life! I can remember fine details starting at age 3. I find I have to stay constantly busy
to train my mind to stop forcing it to spend energy on new things. Boredom feeds like it like a monster so I try to starve it by constantly
learning and doing new things.

 

[Judge]

I do the same thing.

I don't know if it's specifically an Asperger's issue, but autism can be comorbid with depression, which I also have. Constant negative thought patterns are one of the biggest symptoms of depression.

Same here. Forces me to usually live just one day at a time...

 

[Explosition_Rooster]

I've gone through this some many times that if I had a dollar for when these happened, I'd be a very rich man.

One thing that I try to keep in mind is that you have to take each day on it's own and to keep moving forward, because looking back will only bring you more and more pain in life. Learn from what happened and don't let it hold you back.

 

[Jeff]

I have these embarrassing memories too.

I can do something with my brain that stalls the part that perceives/recalls memories. I can't think about anything else while I'm doing it, at least not other visual thoughts or concepts. It's a little uncomfortable to do, as I have to apply a constant amount of effort - enough that the memory doesn't come back but not too much that I'm totally focused on the fact that I'm blocking it. Of course it depends how powerful the memory is as well, if it's not super-strong I don't have to focus much on it, blocking becomes more of a subconscious action - especially after a lot of practice.

I remember when i was a young child I had trouble controlling my my mind. A random thought or image (not negative, anything) would pop-up and every time i tried to think about something else it would keep returning (like some kind of o c d?). I can't remember exact examples but imagine trying to let your thoughts wander and say.... A specific dog keeps popping up everywhere and says the same thing every time, maybe it wouldn't be a dog, maybe an action or event or something. Blocking allowed me to deal with this too.

I think re-calling memories in their full is what allows them to be remembered indefinitely. Blocking them every time has meant the earlier ones have faded a lot for me as they don't get to perpetually imprint themselves.

 

[King_Oni]

I tend to have them as well and while talking to therapists and all, they figured it was akin to PTSD symptoms, which despite popular belief does not only occur when people were in a war.

As for the memories itself; they're a funky mixture of past experiences that somewhat damaged me (verbal abuse from all past employment being a big one) up to just memories that actually should be a learning experience. I don't mind if some things are just a bit more harsh to learn from, but it seems that I just can't grasp the element of learning from it and rather just experience the abusive part over and over. And let's not even start with the silliest and mundane things that can trigger memories and sink back in. Guess that's the shadowside of being an aspie with an eye for detail as well as making connections of layers upon layers. I guess, if it were just specific things that set up triggers it would be fine, but clearly it's not the case if your mind can take the most far-fetched image or notion and apply this to previous memories.

I'm not talking about getting strung up over an ex-girlfriend because she was a blonde and you can't deal with blondes because it triggers (and even that might already be a everlasting trigger because it's a common thing to see) but it's like reliving trauma over past employment because you hear something on the news that talks about a city where you know your former supervisor was once working. I'm not up to the point where even any letter that was in the name of any of the former employers will trigger though... but any more problems down the line and this might just as well end up there.

That all being said, I try to handle it as best as I can. I don't cry over reliving trauma or anything. But at times it stagnates my thinking and functioning. I've found that I can be more inattentive to these details and get strung up when sufficiently stimulated. Which might probably contribute to a bit of "thrillseeking" on my behalf.

 

[myk384]

Got bullied in elementary (more on verbal) and high school (physical in 1st and 2nd, verbal in 3rd). When all the bullying stabilized in 3rd, I took revenge and thus my anger issues were born.

 

[Daniel]

I'm working to free myself from memory torture. Trying to stay in the moment and not live in the past or future (so much that I can't sleep).

Makes me think of the Biff Rose/Paul Williams lyric, from "Fill Your Heart":

Fill your heart with love today
Don't play the game of time
Things that happened in the past
Just happened in your mind

Only in your mind
Forget your mind and you'll be free

 

[emmvee]

I have certain... situations... that have occurred a few times in my life, that every so often come back to haunt me. Situations where I made a bad decision, or just bad circumstances that didn't end well. Mostly in my childhood, but plenty of times as an adult. I look at back and dread the thought of my son being in a similar situation, and I try to think that it's all just a part of growing up, but I still can't make it sit right.
Often extremely embarrassing, or sometimes dangerous. There are quite a few that when they come up I just fill with dread and regret. Not sure what triggers it, but it's interesting to read that you suggest a lack of seretonin.

 

[aspieworldcitizen]

This exactly what I was going to ask you guys about. I've always had this problem, and it has been especially bad these past couple of months because of a problem I had with an employer. The torture is so bad, I've been suicidal so many times over it. Besides keeping busy and mindfulness, does anyone have any other suggestions? I live in constant pain and sometimes I feel I can't take it any more :-( And yes, I already take antidepressants and am seeing a therapist.

 

[lazaro.rafael]

This is part of life aspie yes, however, is directly related to the "power" of the individual's memory, unfortunately in your case, is quite high, and you can experience almost 100% realism. In my case is low, but enough to bother.

 

[emmvee]

I know this is easier said than done... but I think you need to learn to live with it. I can't imagine what your memories are- but mine are unpleasant- but don't cause that level of distress. I wouldn't kill myself over them, sometimes they just make me feel like shyte. And it can last a while sometimes... but I am able to move on, eventually. If you have memories that are that extreme- I don't know what your answer could be. You need to develop a coping mechanism, something to think about that makes you feel not so bad, some kind of justification for how your situation developed and worked itself out. Can't help you think of a method without knowing what is causing you the distress. I guess that's what your therapist is for.

 

[aspieworldcitizen]

Thanks, everyone. Working with a therapist on this and many other things. I guess now I know this is typical Aspergers which, while not a relief on its own, at least it has somewhat of an explanation. I don't know that my memories are necessarily that extreme, but my brain does tend to intensify the feelings and relieve them in detail. I try the mindfulness and keeping busy, but you can only do that so much before there is a gap and the memories find their way in.

 

[Laughingowl1975]

I dwell on past miseries all the time (didn't know it had a name though), it often makes me depressed and irritable, from what I have found this brooding is a common trait in ASD's like Aspergers, there is a good site called Autismworld that lists the many traits of AS and this dwelling on past wrongs is among them.

 

[tryingtoregister]

I don't know if this qualifies as "torture" but I tend to remember very mundane or useless details of things. Its frustrating only in that when I'm talking to people I always seem to know what I'm talking about because I overheard a history channel special my roommate was watching years ago while studying or something and now its stuck in my head.. makes people think I just spend all day racking up information when really I would rather just push some of this useless **** out of my head.. meanwhile I could spend all night talking to a girl and the next morning I cant remember what her face looks like but I can remember every detail of some story she was talking about that was probably just small talk.