Masking

[Aspychata]

Truthfully, if you didn't wear these teeshirts, then people wouldn't connect with you. l sometimes make an effort to connect, because people aren't expecting it. I actually got a apartment and cool roommate by just talking to somebody at a store counter. Life is short random encounters, you aren't required to partake, you aren't required to be engaged, nobody will call you on it, and when you lay your head down for the final time in your life, nobody will know. So no guilt feelings needed l guess......

 

[SusanLR]

Smiling and acting interested in others I encounter that act nice to me even if I don't feel happy or
really interested.
It's kind of an ego thing putting on the bling through expressions faked.

 

[Fino]

That's why I wear blank shirts most of the time!

I do some of what was said already, like the awful greetings and such.

 

[Thinx]

I wouldn't communicate the way I do were it not for the learnt necessity to mask. Masking is constant, I think, in a neurotypical norms world. I wouldn't look at people's eyes, or answer comments, I would just hear the comment and think about it. For a coupla days. Then when I saw them again, I may have a comment or answer. I wouldn't talk to many people at all. I wouldn't greet people or respond to greetings.

A lot of ritual and automatic communication seems pointless and I would assume the person knows we are already connected, if we are, and don't need to do meaningless exchanges. Or they would know we have no meaningful connection, if we don't, so also don't need to do this. It would be a different world without masking.

I am constantly required to participate in meaningless exchanges. It's how the world is. And even then I don't do it well enough. Yaddy Yoda. Oops I meant Yaddy yada. Or,?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Yaddy Yoda. Oops I meant Yaddy yada

There's a London saying 'Bish,bash,bosh'

Once,on a long drive across America, I saw a sign saying 'Bosh.'
So I said 'bish bash bosh'
I thought it would be funny if we saw signs saying each of the 3 words.

100 miles later there was a sign saying 'Bash'
So I said 'bish bash bosh'

We arrived at the hotel,disappointed at only seeing 2 of the 3 words in signs.
I turned on the TV. It was 'Franklin and Bish'
So I said 'bish bash bosh'

The game of bish bash,bosh bingo was complete.

I still can't believe there was a TV program with Bish in the title.
And the only day I saw it was the only day I played bish bash bosh bingo .

 

[Thinx]

Yaddy Yoda

 

[Progster]

I am a private language tutor and work with kids, and dealing with them, talking to them, explaining to them has become second nature in many respects, though one thing I find really, really hard is when they want to show me drawings or toys/games or things they have made, and I'm just not interested and can't make a good job of faking interest or enthusiasm. It feels fake, but I have to make an effort. I usually just say "great!" or something similar and change the subject.

 

[shysnail]

(Look, fellow human! I, too, can socialize!)

This makes me laugh. This is how I feel about almost all my perfunctory socializing. I might as well just be a robot doing the things I've learnt other people expect from you, there's not an ounce of my actual self in it.

I laugh at things that I'm meant to laugh at. I say, "That's terrible!" if someone wants me to say that something is terrible. I say I like and dislike things according to what the general consensus seems to be. I definitely haven't mastered everyday socializing in a way that's anything other than pure masking.

 

[Pats]

I'm thinking maybe it's that I just let people talk and trying to appear as if I'm following what they're saying. Yesterday I was with my son and daughter in law - we had gone to eat. This is the son that I'm 99% certain he is also on the spectrum and he believes so, too. My daughter in law is a talker. So she was telling a story about work and going on and on. Finally my son interrupts and tells her she's all over the place and he can't listen when she does that. (I have a hard time with it, but will just let her go on). She apologized and stopped and I felt bad so I told her to go on, that I wanted to know what the kid found in the desk. She said what desk? I don't know who to feel bad for now when it's the three of us. I guess I involuntarily proved my son's point when I asked about the desk so I imagine it's not easy for her to be amongst 2 people on the spectrum - 1 refusing to listen any more and the other completely mixing up what she has said. But on the other hand, I know my son is not good at listening to her long winded multi-directional stories while I'm messing up trying to fix that. We make quite a threesome together. lol

 

[Jojo_LB]

I have no clue anymore. Seriously. I don't even know what is masking and what is my "normal" because I'd been masking for three decades at this point and I haven't even fully figured out who I am and what I'd really be like if I didn't mask.

I think being on stimulants has given me a glimpse into what I may be like if I lived my true "autentic" (I just made that word up right now, a mix of autistic and authentic lol) self. I mean, these traits have been here all my life, obviously, and I'd noticed them from time to time in the past, but having a really busy life, and also having ADHD, kind of hid those traits. I have noticed my rigidity with things again, like wanting things "just so," being unable to switch tasks, or transition in mood to suit the situation. I get really frustrated with it. I'm even more sensitive to stimuli than I already was. I've always been obsessive about my very few hobbies and interests, but the obsession has ramped up like 10 times lol which is really not good..

Just goes to show how much I had been masking, and/or how much was masked due to other conditions.

 

[Aspychata]

Smiling and acting interested in others I encounter that act nice to me even if I don't feel happy or
really interested.
It's kind of an ego thing putting on the bling through expressions faked.

Good point, really, everyone else can be faking it too, that is something we forget. I like the" putting on the bling " remark. Even if it's fake bling, lol.

 

[xudo]

When someone asks how I'm doing, I automatically reply, "Good, how are you?" or something along those lines, even if I'm not doing well at all.

I do this all the time, except when the mask slips and I forget I'm supposed to ask them how they're doing. Acting like I care about small talk about other people's lives too.

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

I'm left wondering - is this real socializing, or is it just me getting good at faking it? To paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke, any sufficiently advanced masking is indistinguishable from socializing.

Most of what we think of as socialization (ie small talk, certain scripts like "How are you?" "Good.") is just a show. NTs don't actually care about what they're saying--95% of what they're actually saying is unspoken, and entirely different from the words. It's partly acknowledgment that they want, and partly a sort of social "check" that you have to pass without setting off any flags. Sometimes they want to make certain shallow pretensions, such as superficial "caring" or presenting themselves as "cool". It's all ritualistic, sometimes feeling each other out, sometimes just posturing. As a general rule, people talk a lot but say very little... at least with their words.

I also suspect that we on the spectrum don't usually mask as well as we think we do. There's simply too much invisible and unspoken stuff that we have to attempt to learn, study, and replicate without getting flagged. My solution has been to study psychology and study humans and their interactions, and try to figure out what drives everything. My socializing is partly masking in the traditional sense, and partly "translating" myself into NT--that is, figuring out how to present so that they can hopefully understand me. Since I have to translate their communications as well, mis-translation can happen on either end. But, it is more likely to pass the checks, because I'm being more authentic, and they flag insincerity very easily. (Which is pretty ironic given that most of their words are fake.)

 

[Aspychata]

Most of what we think of as socialization (ie small talk, certain scripts like "How are you?" "Good.") is just a show. NTs don't actually care about what they're saying--95% of what they're actually saying is unspoken, and entirely different from the words. It's partly acknowledgment that they want, and partly a sort of social "check" that you have to pass without setting off any flags. Sometimes they want to make certain shallow pretensions, such as superficial "caring" or presenting themselves as "cool". It's all ritualistic, sometimes feeling each other out, sometimes just posturing. As a general rule, people talk a lot but say very little... at least with their words.

I also suspect that we on the spectrum don't usually mask as well as we think we do. There's simply too much invisible and unspoken stuff that we have to attempt to learn, study, and replicate without getting flagged. My solution has been to study psychology and study humans and their interactions, and try to figure out what drives everything. My socializing is partly masking in the traditional sense, and partly "translating" myself into NT--that is, figuring out how to present so that they can hopefully understand me. Since I have to translate their communications as well, mis-translation can happen on either end. But, it is more likely to pass the checks, because I'm being more authentic, and they flag insincerity very easily. (Which is pretty ironic given that most of their words are fake.)

l would like to add more: people present themselves in a status based way, their social economic standing; ie. job, marriage, education, wealth or lack of, IQ. These references sprinkle through their everyday conversations to see if you are "like them". Think sometimes standing back and looking at the bigger picture helps me decipher the best way to truly interact and find a common ground to communicate. Sometimes they want to hear l am like you, so that they feel we have mutual trust in the outcome of whatever the task is in front of us. In my case, lately l have been reassuring people, yes, this place will be best for your love one's to stay due to their age, l have the same vested interests in this older population as you do in your mother or father that you have placed in our care. Do l love or get along with my father or mother , nope but that is neither here nor there.

 

[Pinkie B]

Hmmm...masking is how I came to the spectrum in the first place. I had always known that being around other people would exhaust me, and I have lived my life with this pervasive sense of never being able to let my guard down around others. I'm always afraid that if I relax and stop actively trying to make everybody feel properly attended to in a conversation or whatever that they will discover that I'm anti social or rude or selfish or weird or...

So masking that has become habit for me? Well, I know that people don't like when you display negative affect around them, so I try to only socialize when I'm feeling energetic and I respond to things they tell me with a positive reaction whenever I can come up with one. I find that sometimes I will go out of my way to get excited about even little things (like a fancy dinner at a restaurant making me clap with enthusiasm) and perhaps some of that excitement becomes authentic, but it is definitely something that I do when in the presence of others, so I imagine it must be one of my learned behaviors.

I also do that thing where I try to guess what people want me to say. Like when someone had a fight with a significant other, I've learned that they don't really want you to listen objectively or try to mediate. They just want you to say, "yeah, s/he's a dick!" but I am uncomfortable doing that so I try to say something that is similarly connecting like, "wow, that's pretty awful to experience" or something to that end. Similarly, when I'm upset and someone says something like that and my compulsion is to say, "no, they're not being a dick, they're just acting that was as a result of their inability to face their own problems and they're projecting them on me," instead I just remind myself that the other person is probably just trying to bond and offer comfort so I say "thank you" instead. Maybe this one is less automatic than some of my other tricks, but it's definitely a thing I have to consciously recognize and perform.

 

[Weezer]

I can do eye contact and keep movements almost non-existent for short conversations. I grew up in an old school family in which we were taught eye contact was polite. A lifetime of practice with that and my wife has made me aware of stimming so I keep that in check pretty well also. I usually only go out to work so masking mostly takes place there. Though my job requires little contact with others, I still need a good recharge when I get home at the end of the day.

 

[Solphire]

I am so good at masking, people are now treating me like I'm insane when I disclose that I am currently getting assessed for ASD. Now I am unable to wear that mask, and I am unable to fake smile. They all want to 'know what's wrong'. It is highly frustrating. However, I also feel bad for them, as I have essentially been a fake my whole life. I just thought everyone operated as I do and that I was just unusually bad at it. Please pray for me, the revelation of having a cause for my oddities and struggles is a relief but overwhelming me.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I just thought everyone operated as I do and that I was just unusually bad at it.

This hits so close to home. Before I was diagnosed, I was trying to express to a friend how difficult it is to get by in the world. I told him, "I just watch normal people and do what they do."

I'm glad you're able to drop the mask. Others will adapt. My friend now knows that I sometimes have "down" days and he's very accepting of it.

 

[theporgsnest]

I feel like the mask for a lot of things has slipped in the last year or so (whether it's me making less of a concerted effort and not caring or still having a lot more to learn, I'm not yet sure...) but some things stand out for me:
-small talk with strangers, of all people. Maybe it's because I don't have any actual connection to them and won't see them again that I feel more comfortable? e.g the other day I was walking back home from an errand - it was a lovely warm day but this old dear exclaimed that I must be cold in just my tshirt! And then I stopped and had a brief chat and asked that I was going home anyway and then it turned into a small conversation after that which ...I felt quite okay with.
This compares to small people with I know and love but next time I see them I'm thinking 'well what do I say now/asking what I did last time (how are you, what have you been doing, how is work blah blah blah etc etc) seems pointless but I know I should'
-not having an emotionless/deadpan expression. This happens without thought now but then my face can be too emotionally open as well so *shrugs*

I wouldn't personally say things like eye contact or not being obviously socially rude are second nature yet - I have an okay grip on them but as mentioned at the beginning, they can slip a little if I'm having a particularly bad/lazy day

 

[Judge]

Perhaps the simplest thing that first comes to mind is eye contact.

Something reinforced to me as a child by my parents. Who emphasized that for better or worse, your personal integrity is often instantly assessed in terms of whether or not you can and will look another in the eyes.

At the time, this conversation never involved any consideration of autism.

While eye contact may be second nature to me, it remains something quite deliberately done given that to this day it still feels somewhat uncomfortable to do. Like all forms of masking, I'm compelled to do it out of self-preservation and little else.