Marriage problems-masking Q

[kenaij]

Hypnalis makes a very good point. There is no way to go without the mask.
As I have explained in my post. To a certain extent I also mask with my family. I have given some simple examples. But using the examples. Do you feel I lie or am untruthfull to my wife and kids by pretending to have fun when going to the zoo or a themepark? Or am I simply a good husband and father to go along with them on things they enjoy. Even if really stresses me out and I have to pretend to have as much fun as them?

I know this is a very simple example and that some might not view this particular thing masking (I do). But you could relate it to ther types of masking. Even neurotypical people mask. Autistic people just do it way more often.
It is a very important thing for you guys to figure out what masks are required for him to hold up. For him to be able to function properly. And what masks do not work for your relationship. If you require him to give up all of his masks the burnden will fall fully on him. And the chances of him suffering from mental problems because of that are very high.

I understand that this is a very difficult subject. But your husband is autistic. That is part of him. That makes him him. No matter how hard it will be. If you guys want your relationship to work you will both have to accept it. Together with all the burdens that it is going to bring the both of you. You have to work with some of his flaws. And he has to work with some of yours. And if he uses a mask to do so, it is his way of dealing with it. Because he might not be able to do it otherwise.

 

[kenaij]

I would also like to suggest to read into autism. What it is and why autistic people do the things they do.
Personally https://www.youtube.com/@orionkelly is my favorite channel for information.
With the exception of 1 or 2 things I can completely relate to him. But there are plenty of other good channels aswell.
Orion also has a video about why he feels he is a terrible husband which I really related to on almost every part. Maybe if you and him watch the video he can confirm he also deals with some of those things. It can make you understand without him actually having to explain it to you.
I feel for myself. It is much easier to tell someone that someone else is exactly right about how it feels for me. Than having to explain why it is for myself.

 

[Pbrain]

@Pbrain

IMO you should reconsider your objective concerning masking.

….BTW - there would be more, but as long as you're conflating masking with deception it's impractical for us to communicate accurately.

Oh my goodness, big misunderstanding. There is a HUGE difference between my husband’s deceptions, which were acting out outside of our coupleship for over three decades, which we are TRYING to recover from, and masking! Although I appreciate your concern, I am absolutely not conflating them.

As part of recovery work, my husband brought up the topic of masking in the context of not being sure of who he was and I wanted to learn more about it (he has his own therapist for this). We have two ND YA sons snd I am very supportive snd know a lot about autism, so I’m not a newbie. I thought I understood masking but the way he was expressing uncertainty scared me. We talked it out, what he said about himself did not surprise me, and he agreed I do know him. Thank you all for the feedback.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Pbrain

You asked about masking, and I responded only about masking. What I said is completely independent of anything you've said about your relationship.

I tried to give you some insight about masking because it was (and is) clear to me that you don't understand it.
This doesn't have to be a problem, but for some it is, and unfortunately ND masking is neither well documented nor easy to explain to a neurotypical.
There are plenty of words, but I've never seen anything that usefully describes what it is that makes masking necessary and natural for Aspies. And it's that process that matters, not the mask itself.

So another path: a statement and perhaps an exercise that might help.
1) You probably forced your husband to lie to you about masking. If so, this is a step along the way to the possible negative outcome(s) I mentioned in my previous post
2) IMO it's possible to explain how to simulate enough of the inside of the mask for someone to get some useful insight.

 

[Magna]

A consequence of lifelong masking is that he may never "know who he is". Also, I'm not sure that an autistic person married to an NT person can literally be "maskless" on a permanent and complete basis. The goal however should be a safe environment where he can feel that you'll allow him to be his authentic self as much as possible.

I've been married for 20+ years to an NT wife and it's not possible for me to not mask to some degree even with her simply because she's another human. Humans, especially NTs are very hard for those of us who are autistic to relate to. Your husband is his authentic self when he's by himself. No one masks when they're alone because there's no need to. He should work toward being that authentic around you. A big part of what could make that possible is you and how you interact with him. Do not judge an autistic person as being "less". Remember that one neurotype is not better than the other. Only different. Remember that autistic people are "normal" with each other. Studies have been done and my own personal experience bears out that autistic people who interact with each other have little to no problem communicating with each other. If an NT was part of a group of autistic people, the NT would have the deficiency, not the autistic people.

There are SO many different types of "masking". Some that people don't normally think about as "masking" includes:

> The autistic person refraining from sharing their thoughts and feelings because they either fear judgement, reprisal, etc or they've actually received such negative feedback when trying to share in the past. Not sharing thoughts or feelings is a form of...masking. A person can't be their authentic self when family, teachers, society have told them from early on that they need to suppress such things.

Hopefully your husband can get to a point where you're the one that he can be most authentic with.