Marriage problems-masking Q

[Pbrain]

My HFA husband has been living a double life for several decades and I found out 9mo ago. That marriage is dead but I’m hoping we can start a new and healthy marriage based on honesty and transparency. He says he wants to but is struggling to know who he is. He’s been seeing several therapists, including one who is on the spectrum and has been helping him learn how autism affects our relationship.

In doing a relationship-building exercise yesterday, the first question was to answer the question “Who am I?”. Husband stalled and said he doesn’t know who he is (he was not a bad person but did bad things for decades, and is trying to not be that person). I see him as a good person who can stop the bad behavior, fwiw. And then he said that the whole masking thing is confusing him, too.

Can anyone help me understand how masking should show up (or not) in a marriage that is healthy? Thank you!

 

[Wolfnox]

Define healthy. Obviously you found out it wasn’t before and are willing to work with him to create something new. You both need to figure out what is and isn’t healthy for yourselves. As for the masking you say your husband doesn’t know who he is. That’s one result of it. Him trying to be different personalities. You may need to help guide him to his true one. By asking questions and observing behaviors and actions.

 

[Aspychata]

Excellent answer. I would try doing new experiences together to bond. Like maybe a museum, a scenic drive, etc. New experiences create bonding, and help move on from the past. It can be cooking together, doing a project together, reading poems to each other.

 

[Rodafina]

If I were your husband, I would need a lot of time to myself. The amount of time I have needed to figure out what taking off the mask means would be hurtful to most partners. One cannot necessarily figure out themselves while they are immersed in a very close relationship with another person. Learning about autism means learning about the self first, and then learning the sometimes very difficult process of connecting with others.

 

[Pbrain]

Thank you so much for replying! I believe he’s a very good man and tell him that. But h said he wasn’t allowed to define himself growing up because “everyone” told him who to be. He’s understandably angry and hurt by his childhood, which also included bullying for being different because of undiagnosed ASD, so I’m giving him a lot of space, not wanting to lumped in with those who tell him who he is (as I see it). I think, also, this is where his question about masking comes in and why I’m asking here. Sure, I understand that ASD mask to fit in in different situations, snd I think he’s saying he masks even in his marriage snd do to be fully himself, he shouldn’t mask at all. Therefore I DON’T know him because who he is authentically is without any mask.

I tried researching masking when he first brought it up and no video I came across suggested it was good or healthy to be completely without a mask. But idk what is healthy in a marriage.

 

[Rodafina]

Masking can be safety and survival. For many of us, it has not been safe for us to be ourselves. For some of us, the mask is armor. It is protection. We are vulnerable without it. Of course, we are all different, but for some, that is how it is.

 

[Pbrain]

If I were your husband, I would need a lot of time to myself. The amount of time I have needed to figure out what taking off the mask means would be hurtful One cannot necessarily figure out themselves while they are immersed in a very close relationship with another person. Learning about autism means learning about the self first, and then learning the sometimes very difficult process of connecting with others.

If I were your husband, I would need a lot of time to myself. The amount of time I have needed to figure out what taking off the mask means would be hurtful to most partners. One cannot necessarily figure out themselves while they are immersed in a very close relationship with another person. Learning about autism means learning about the self first, and then learning the sometimes very difficult process of connecting with others.

We’ve been married over three decades. We are at a crossroads and I am willing to start fresh with him in a better place. Are you suggesting we need to separate a bit for him to figure out who he is? I did suggest this several times, always being ok if he decided who he was and even if it wasn’t compatible with staying together. I love him and want him happy.

Is the goal for an Aspie in marriage to go maskless? I don’t understand snd he doesn’t seem to, either. He’s new to a lot of the jargon now that he’s seeing an ASD specialist. Ty!

 

[Rodafina]

I am definitely not making any concrete suggestions because I don’t know enough about your situation.

And as I said, we will all be very different from one another. I’m just saying that my experience with masking and unmasking was a very solitary journey.

For me, masking was slowly killing who I really was. For me, yes, the goal is to be maskless among those that I love, because it is the only thing that is true and real. Wearing a mask for too long can be heavy, and taking it off is like freedom. But it is also very scary.

 

[AdamG]

My wife and I (she is ND as well) do our best to be as open and ourselves with each other. I still find myself masking, because she can get pretty intense into things, or just be in a really bad (and irrational) mood. So at those times I must adhere to rules which I don't like, for her (and thus) my own good.
In our good times, I think I'm starting to annoy her because I've just self diagnosed and so my new favorite topic and I won't shut up as I'm processing. But in general, we are very honest and open up with each other when we can.
So this is just my experience, and I hope it helps.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

The only advice I can think of is to be patient. It seems like he is processing a lot at the moment, and making sense of himself, his emotions and his identity will take time. I don't know either of you well enough to give any concrete advice, but I think it would be useful to minimize stress and anxiety, as he might be able to sense it even if it's under the surface. Either the marriage will work out, or it won't. In either case, the best way to tackle the future is to be honest and open with each other.

I sense that you really care about him, but sometimes knowing that someone really wants you to do better or worries about you can create internal pressure, even when they assure you that you shouldn't worry. I'm not saying this is happening in your marriage, but it's something I have felt.

I wish you both the best in understanding.

 

[Shamar]

NO!!! Masking will destroy a marriage. You need to have trust and openness.. I speak from experience. Having to mask outside the home on social occasions may be OK, but masking to your spouse is asking for disaster.

 

[kenaij]

It really does depend on the level of masking that has to be done. For me. In social situations I try to mask a lot. All day every day. At home, I still do. However. There is a huge difference in the amount and the 'thickness' of the mask. In social situations a mask can be as thick as a brick wall. But for me. My wife is the only person where my mask is paper thin. Almost transparent. There are little things. Like going to the zoo or themepark with my family. That is completely done for them. I can`t really say I enjoy the activities at all besides feeling joy from their happiness. I fake the whole thing. But my wife also knows me, and she will never force me into social situations she knows I don`t like.
It can be really frustrating for her.
But if the mask means you cannot be yourself at all because you feel you always have to adjust to your partner. Or feel unsafe to present your feelings because you fear the reactions. It causes unhealthy situations. With the exception of some things I do not share I feel completely free in openening up about my feelings and what I need in a situation. My wife often jokes about it in a teasing way. But I also do that with her 'shortcomings" we both do it from a loving place and even if we joke about it we will both listen and conform to the others' needs.
I hope he can find a place where he discovers himself, and he feels free enough with you to share that true side of himself. Good luck.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Pbrain

You're asking a question to which there's either no real answer, or a very large number of distinct correct answers.

As an ND you won't be able to select accurate input for your specific situation. Based on my previous observations in these forums, you'll probably choose what suits you from what you understand. And it won't fit.

Given that, I have no specific advice for you, but here's something for you to think about:

Masking is an individual thing:
* It starts quite young, as a response to our not understanding the NT world
* It a necessary reaction to accommodating ourselves to a world that doesn't understand or make allowances for us
* Masks are not immutable, but they are part of us.

As such, it's an individual's response to their genetics and their unique life experience.

If you believe you are an individual, you'll understand that there's no easy answer to your question, and start looking for good answers.

 

[Aspychata]

Thanks for that @kenaij . It's hard to read, but you did a excellent job of presenting this in a way l could understand it.

 

[kenaij]

Your welcome

 

[Alexej]

Hi @Pbrain
Quite a question you are asking there!

I write as a late diagnosed autistic who has probably masked for all my life.
I have learn a set of social rules, unconsciously, and applied them for most of my life and lived in a state of masking for so much of my life.

I remember when I was getting counselling with my wife, and we were asked to recall a particular moment that stood out as memorable, and my wife could remember several, but I have nothing to say.

Your story with your husband prompts the question in my mind, of who am I? and after over 60 years I still have little clue of how to answer that question. Can I separate my mask from myself, or have I worn the mask for so long that I do not know who I am, but only know who I have masked myself to be?

Is the goal for an Aspie in marriage to go maskless?

Personally I like the idea of this, but going maskless seems like going naked in the mall alone. Scares my shitless, yes even with my wife.

Thank you to the others who have replied to this thread - I appreciate the input

 

[Pbrain]

Thank you for everyone’s input today. We had a good talk and it turned out well. As you pointed out, he struggled to put words to his values (and to separate out from who he acts like), so he thought about it a lot before putting together a list of values that he has and now wants to live by. No surprise there, so he is the man I thought he was. I also asked him, if he felt safe enough, to tell me if he masks In our relationship. He said he remembers talking about his confusion but he learned more and he does not wear a mask with me. So that’s a relief! Thank you again for helping me know what questions to ask!!

 

[Rodafina]

@Pbrain
Just wanted to offer your husband a spot here among us. Maybe he would like coming here and discussing things with us. Many people on the spectrum have found great camaraderie and understanding here. For my part, the forum folk helped me learn so much and accept myself for who I really am. This was the first place where I could exist with others and no mask.

 

[Pbrain]

@Pbrain
Just wanted to offer your husband a spot here among us. Maybe he would like coming here and discussing things with us. Many people on the spectrum have found great camaraderie and understanding here. For my part, the forum folk helped me learn so much and accept myself for who I really am. This was the first place where I could exist with others and no mask.

Thank you for the suggestion! I will!

 

[Hypnalis]

@Pbrain

IMO you should reconsider your objective concerning masking.

Nobody can separate the mask from the masker, including the individual concerned.

It's no more or less real than your automatic use of the conventions, filters, politeness, white lies, etc that are a normal part of interacting with other people. The distinction is only that your "mask" is calibrated against the society you live in.

Your husband's is no more (or less) a deception that yours is. It makes no difference if he has been masking since you first met, and is doing so now. It follows that wanting him not to be masking is a distraction, and potentially something that will cause trouble in future.

It's looking unlikely you'll take this seriously, but I'll give you a recommendation anyway:
Forget his masking (or not).

BTW - there would be more, but as long as you're conflating masking with deception it's impractical for us to communicate accurately.