Love my Aspie but need advice on Austistic Burnout

[Surf girl]

My friend has ASD and I have fallen in love for him. We do not define what we have but in my bubble it is a full relationship, we are very private about this. People just believe we are good friends. Living away as he does we are able to conduct ourselves as a normal couple but with no pressure. I visit every other weekend and I am hoping to move to be near him soon. I believe he is ok with this as he has sent me details of houses to buy.
We had the most incredible first six months together and only one meltdown came when the ILY word was spoken, two days later said "we can be nothing more" and he tells me I am his best friend and he has never let any one get this close but we can't be in a relationship, but then hours later after the meltdown subsided he gave me a key to his house which I still have.

I knew he had ASD. Just assumed he did too but wasn't ready to tell me So the last time when I visited he was very quiet with me and our texts and phone calls over the last couple of weeks had been fewer than what I have been used too. I asked him to look into ASD which he did and the only words that he came back with was Autistic Burnout.

Has the last six months been too much for him trying to be too NT and now he is having this burnout.

I feel like he wants me in his life, although he has deflected me on two occasions by saying that "I want more and he does not" ( I am actually perfectly happy with what we have ) and perhaps the last couple of weeks his quietness is that he has struggled with our relationship/freindship and the fact before we got together he had been on his own for many years.

Any advice would be so welcome Thank you.

 

[Starfire]

My advice is this, be careful not to go too fast with him, take your time. I noticed you called him your “friend” who you are in love with. You didn’t say your boyfriend or partner, and you also talk about not being able to define what you have, but in your “bubble” it’s a full relationship. In his “bubble” it may be something very different! He may simply be enjoying having some female company from time to time with no commitments, strings or pressure, while also having plenty of time for himself.

Visiting him every other weekend might suit you both now, but things might sour quickly if you are suddenly in the next street or asking to move in together. Also that’s not how a normal couple conducts themselves, it’s more like how an affair is conducted.

You need to listen to what he is actually telling you not what you want to believe or think you hear. He told you quite plainly and clearly “we can be nothing more”, “I am his best friend”, “we can’t be in a relationship”, “I want more, and he does not”. He couldn’t have been any clearer to you but because you are in love with him you can’t hear what he’s actually trying to telling you. I get it, ‘love is blind’.

My advice if you still want to go full steam ahead is this, don’t buy a house just to be near him! What’s wrong with renting for say 6 or 12 months and seeing how it goes? If things work out great, fantastic! If they don’t you can walk away with the minimum expense and trauma.

Lots of NT people come here looking for advice from people on the spectrum. When they don’t hear what they want to hear after asking a question, they can be very rude, offensive or patronising. I am not saying you are or would be, but please understand I have tried to offer you advice as a man on the spectrum, and it is genuine advice based on how I saw what you wrote. If you don’t like what I wrote that’s fine, that’s your prerogative ignore what I wrote, but please don’t waste your time replying with a curt post if you don’t like my perspective on your problem.

 

[Surf girl]

Thank you so much for you response. It is exactly your perspective that I need right now.
You are right. He could not be clearer with his words. But his actions are what I hung on too.
I had actually considered rental and I think you are correct in respect of not committing until I am sure. I also need my independence. I want to live alone.
I wanted to relocate to where he lives for many other reasons. I have the opportunity of new job there and I have already made so many new friends. I am desperately unhappy here. Maybe this is clouding my judgment right now.
Thank you for your advice. As hard as it is.

 

[Otis]

Hey there. I am a 41 year old guy married child... I am lucky to have a wife who actually got me diagnosed. One thing to consider just from my own experience in life and friends on spectrum is we have very set routines and patterns. You've probably heard of special interests. We can create our worlds around enabling all of that as well as just the life we are leading and change is really a scary thing too. aspergers people love comfort zones and he may have thought what he has with you may have been a perfect system and getting closer for better or not may have rocked his world a bit. Fear of things maybe blowing up and loosing you. Or just out right change of his life and how he runs it. I am very self obsessed with my surfing and my bowhunting and lucky to have a wife who understands. It helps she shares surfing with me. I am maybe more optimistic. I would say 100 percent rent. Then just let your lives just naturally grow together, if its meant to be that is his world and routines...will just hopefully gel with yours and he may realise there's nothing to freak out about. Thats my take. But if its not working at all recognise as we all must.

 

[Surf girl]

Thank you Otis.

One of the reasons for me to move to where he lives is that he encouraged me to get back out on the water and join the local sailing club. He even paid for me to do a sailing course so I could become a full member.
I think on reflection I just need to not put labels on what we have and just see what happens.

 

[Mary Lyn]

@Surfgirl

If you are thinking of moving near him, do it because you think you will be able to build a better life there and not because of him. You don't know how that will pan out.

So therefore you should work to devlope a social life there and even date other men as you are officially just friends and see how it goes.

 

[Surf girl]

@Surfgirl

If you are thinking of moving near him, do it because you think you will be able to build a better life there and not because of him. You don't know how that will pan out.

So therefore you should work to devlope a social life there and even date other men as you are officially just friends and see how it goes.

I am wishing to build a better life. I have a good social life there I have some great friends and I am not interested in dating. I have been hurt too much to ever trust another person ever.

Thank you so much for your support

 

[disconnected]

Hi, this story sounds familiar.
My wife met me and lived far away. She put the push on . She originally called me her boyfriend. It made me scared. I broke up with her. So at that I realized I liked her and we got back together. She sold her house and moved 90 miles to my house. It scared the crap out of me. We dated 6 years and she put the push on to get married. So we got married and now we have a two year old. We both are very happy now. If she didn’t actively pursue me we wouldn’t be together . Anyhow every situation is different. Follow your gut feelings. I’m happy my Wife put up with me. She always says she just knew.

She gives me a lot of space. She understands my issues and is patient and understanding.