Lost my aspie girl.

[Ilost her]

Hello ppl. First time poster here.

4 months ago i met a girl A beautiful, intelligent, shy aspie girl.(i learned about her diagnose a few weeks later). I am 25 she is 20. It was obvious that we were both attracted to each other and had a great connection from day one. In the months that followed we became a big part of each other's lives. Since we live a bit away from each other we could not meet every week, so we kept in touch by texting and calling. Often we could stay on skype for more than 10 hours. The times we met it was very physical. And romantic in some way when we managed to get out of the bed

I fell in love with this girl.. She was all that i could think of and she still is.

Two weeks ago when we were chatting i randomly told her "I think of you all the time". Not heard from her since. Sendt a couple of text asking if everything is ok. Even tried to call her once, but she did not pick up the phone. Now i am pretty sure she just used me for her physical needs or just could not get herself to tell me it was over. It broke my heart.

Do ppl with aspergers tend to use others for their own benefit? Does she understand that i feel betrayed and broken? Do i confront her with her bad treatment of me if she ever contact me again?

 

[Spinning Compass]

Sure, we can use others for our own benefit. We're not saints or angels. Do we deliberately set out to do so? No, I don't think so. People who have aspergers are not immune to bad behavior.

My guess is that she doesn't understand that you feel betrayed or broken. I can't and won't try to answer why she disappeared on you so suddenly. There could be all kinds of reasons. No, I would not confront her. Let her go. Move on.

 

[superboyian]

I'm sorry that you have been going through a loss and of course, the only thing that I know of is that those feelings she must have felt was either overwhelming to the point her sensory had an overload or it could be possible that she was having a flashback of her bad experiences if that could be the reason for why the sudden disconnection?

But anyways, welcome aboard to the forum.

 

[Ilost her]

Thank you both for reply Love is not easy... She was very special to me and still is. I know i absolutely need to move on, but i don't want to do that. Even after her going silent on me in the middle of a conversation.

I never treated her bad or had any argument with her, but at one point she told me that her previous boyfriend was no good for her. Wish i did more research on asperger before this happend. 1 week after hearing from her last i felt so hurt that i decided to delete her from my phone and all social media. All my instincts tells me she is finished with me, but some of the things i know about aspergers now makes things different. Might just be me giving myself false hope tho.

 

[Judge]

Thank you both for reply Love is not easy... She was very special to me and still is. I know i absolutely need to move on, but i don't want to do that. Even after her going silent on me in the middle of a conversation.

I never treated her bad or had any argument with her, but at one point she told me that her previous boyfriend was no good for her. Wish i did more research on asperger before this happend. 1 week after hearing from her last i felt so hurt that i decided to delete her from my phone and all social media. All my instincts tells me she is finished with me, but some of the things i know about aspergers now makes things different. Might just be me giving myself false hope tho.

Just my two cents. I wouldn't burn any bridges. She may want to come back...maybe she just needs a little space. I know I did in a relationship...but acted too rashly and broke up with her. We made up, but the hurt I caused her remained, and she eventually broke up with me.

Of course in my case I was the Aspie...but neither of us knew at the time. I made a terrible mistake and paid for it.

 

[Sparticus]

Sorry to hear what happened. Been thru this myself but in different ways. As others have mentioned there can be so many reasons why she suddenly disconnected. Especially that she had a bad expereience with her last boyfriend. Maybe he clung to her & abused her. If a woman tells you she thinks of you all the time then it's ok to tell her that back.

Some women are stalked by ex-boyfriends, spooked by that & immediately drop any man who is too clingy.
It could be something else. I went thru a sudden break up and staying busy helped me get over the blues. Good luck & welcomed here.

 

[Ste11aeres]

We are no more likely than others to just use people for our own benefit. I think if she had been doing that, she wouldn't have kept in contact as she did. However, it is possible that we are more likely to get scared away from a relationship even if the other person is someone we like and care for. Maybe we are likely to be scared especially if the other person is someone we like. That's based on my own life. I think a lack of positive friendships may lead to an overall relationship insecurity, a feeling that "This relationship will go badly. I should pull out more before I become even more attached."

As Sparticus said, there are multiple possible reasons.
However, I would not give up. it is possible that she would be willing to resume contact in the future. Be willing to start that ball rolling, but don't overwhelm her by trying to (unsuccessfully) contact her too frequently. If you really like her, you will know she is worth waiting a few months for, even without the certainty of succeeding.

 

[Judge]

I think a lack of positive friendships may lead to an overall relationship insecurity, a feeling that "This relationship will go badly. I should pull out more before I become even more attached."

Rejection cuts profoundly deep with us at times. It might not make sense, but it is what it is. I've been there myself. I get it.

I've often wondered if such a dynamic has sabotaged my past relationships. If only I had someone at the time who cared and could see this to show me it wasn't the case.

 

[Ilost her]

Thanks for replies ppl Is always good to hear other's perspective. I could have dealt with rejection a lot easier than silence. Silence puts questions in one's head. Can never be sure if silence is rejection or something else.

I will wait.. I have too Even if there is a chance she will never speak to me again. She is the girl of my dreams.

 

[Ylva]

If someone told me I was all they could think of, I'd feel that as an imposition. For all I know you said something else in that chat and that was what set off alarm bells, but I only have the information you've given.

Maybe it makes no sense to you, but if you'd been abused and stalked, it might have. That is, not "sense" per se, but more sense than staying around someone who might overstep their boundaries and you had no way of knowing when it would happen.

 

[Ilost her]

If someone told me I was all they could think of, I'd feel that as an imposition. For all I know you said something else in that chat and that was what set off alarm bells, but I only have the information you've given.

Maybe it makes no sense to you, but if you'd been abused and stalked, it might have. That is, not "sense" per se, but more sense than staying around someone who might overstep their boundaries and you had no way of knowing when it would happen.

I did not say anything else. I was just waiting for her reaction wich never came. Now i feel stupid for doing so. I should have said a lot more, but i am not very good at talking about such things. Also.. I would probably not know how to react to such a statement myself. I never wanted to put any pressure on her.. I fear i might have ruined everything by trying to let her know how much i appreciate her. With no way to set things right..

 

[Ylva]

Email her to clarify, and make sure to (explicitly) leave the rest up to her.

 

[Ilost her]

Email her to clarify, and make sure to (explicitly) leave the rest up to her.

Good idea I just did that. Now all i can do is wait.

 

[smith2267]

Aspie girls are rare and highly sought after by geeky aspie guys. I feel your pain (wow, is this empathy??). Girls in general are impressed by loyalty, so contact her every once in awhile and let her know you're still interested. Just don't stalk.

 

[Ilost her]

Aspie girls are rare and highly sought after by geeky aspie guys. I feel your pain (wow, is this empathy??). Girls in general are impressed by loyalty, so contact her every once in awhile and let her know you're still interested. Just don't stalk.

I am NT myself. I would call myself both nerd and geek Learning about her diagnose changed nothing for me. When she told me we talked a little about it and how it was for her, but after that i did not really give it much thought. Maybe i should have? I have never interacted with someone that have aspergers before.

Yes, that is empathy Yes, i am in pain and i miss her so much, but memories of my time with her always puts a smile on my face.

 

[Thesaurusrex]

Aspie girls are rare and highly sought after by geeky aspie guys.

We are? ::

OP: As others have said, perhaps it's best to give her time to process things. You have let her know how you feel, now all you can really do is have patience. I hope things work out well for you, whichever way they go.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Yes, that is empathy Yes, i am in pain and i miss her so much, but memories of my time with her always puts a smile on my face.

I know how you feel. I felt the same way for someone once.

 

[Ilost her]

Have only met one aspie girl.. this one She is amazing in so many ways.

Still have not heard from her yet. 3 weeks soon. Trying to remember things we said to each other that could have caused her silence, but there is nothing. Her telling me on several occasions about her fear of me growing tired of her keeps popping up tho. She still have me on her skype and have even reblogged some of my stuff on tumblr a few times. Makes me even more confused

 

[manca]

Relationships are scary...
It could've been so many different reasons. Everything that's been already said. I just wanted to add that pretty much every single human contact I had hurt me in the end; I constantly wonder if it's worth to bother with anyone.
You could've overdosed her with people contact, not just you, did you expect her to meet new people, go out, in the crowds? I know I will do that, but it's extremely hard and exhausting.
There may be other stressful things going on in her life, aspie related or not. Depression. Constant battle between wanting social life and then hating it.
For all you know you could've been confusing her with things you did/said. I have certain expectations of people, how they should respond and when they don't do what I thought they will, it hurts so much I don't want to talk to anyone ever again.
The most non-important thing like being 15mins late can cause me such anxiety that I feel sick. People around me don't know what I'm going through. I don't want to be a sensitive weirdo... I don't tell and show what upsets me. But things accumulate and at one point there are just too many worries, too much pain and it's easier to let it go, to end the relationship. Because that kind of pain will pass and the anxiety while I'm with someone definitely won't.
Sometimes I just want to see how much someone will try for me. If I'm just as important as they are to me. I want more than few texts and a phone call then. I really have to know that they care.
Sometimes I feel caught in the company. I need to get out and be alone. Every attempt to contact me will only get me annoyed, pissed off.
Sometimes I can't figure out what I'm feeling. I don't understand. Or I go completely numb. How would you desire people beside you then, when you barely handle yourself?

I think there is no possible way for you to know what's going on. Most of the time even I don't know what's going on with me.
I'd go the other way people here are saying. Don't wait. Go there and confront her in person. If she doesn't want you, well then it's over. But after a month of not a word, things aren't very likely to just suddenly turn on better, right? At least you'd know where you are.

 

[Ilost her]

Relationships are scary...
It could've been so many different reasons. Everything that's been already said. I just wanted to add that pretty much every single human contact I had hurt me in the end; I constantly wonder if it's worth to bother with anyone.
You could've overdosed her with people contact, not just you, did you expect her to meet new people, go out, in the crowds? I know I will do that, but it's extremely hard and exhausting.
There may be other stressful things going on in her life, aspie related or not. Depression. Constant battle between wanting social life and then hating it.
For all you know you could've been confusing her with things you did/said. I have certain expectations of people, how they should respond and when they don't do what I thought they will, it hurts so much I don't want to talk to anyone ever again.
The most non-important thing like being 15mins late can cause me such anxiety that I feel sick. People around me don't know what I'm going through. I don't want to be a sensitive weirdo... I don't tell and show what upsets me. But things accumulate and at one point there are just too many worries, too much pain and it's easier to let it go, to end the relationship. Because that kind of pain will pass and the anxiety while I'm with someone definitely won't.
Sometimes I just want to see how much someone will try for me. If I'm just as important as they are to me. I want more than few texts and a phone call then. I really have to know that they care.
Sometimes I feel caught in the company. I need to get out and be alone. Every attempt to contact me will only get me annoyed, pissed off.
Sometimes I can't figure out what I'm feeling. I don't understand. Or I go completely numb. How would you desire people beside you then, when you barely handle yourself?

I think there is no possible way for you to know what's going on. Most of the time even I don't know what's going on with me.
I'd go the other way people here are saying. Don't wait. Go there and confront her in person. If she doesn't want you, well then it's over. But after a month of not a word, things aren't very likely to just suddenly turn on better, right? At least you'd know where you are.

Many of these words describe what i am thinking might be the situation for her. Would it be right of me to pursue her at all? What if it ends up hurting her in the future? Even if that future is distant. I really care for her and want her in my life, but at the same time i don't want put my needs in front of hers.

If decide to go see her in person. It might freak her out? Would it not be best to give her some kind of warning if i do so?

I agree that human contact often can end up with hurt. Have been on the receiving end a few times myself. I believe it is a part of the life experience Not many friendships last a lifetime. When it comes to romance very few people get it right in the first try, 5th try or even the 10th try.

So many questions that no one but her can answer Every bit of insight helps a lot tho! And i am very grateful for all the replies.