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Loss and absence of grief...

Owliet

The Hidden One.
I feel somewhat apprehensive about posting this but perhaps there’s an explanation for this that I can’t see and *hopefully* this is a lot more understandable.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago, and I didn’t really feel anything. There was no emotional response; and today during her funeral, I didn’t feel anything either. I was more of an observer to the procession, and I guess that’s understandable as I’ve never been to a funeral before despite loosing grandparents.

With the previous grandparents deaths, I was too young to really process anything and whilst I understood the concept of death, it was just a weird understanding that someone who was once there was now, no longer there and there was a gap. I was also closer to them, than the grandmothers who has recently died, and perhaps this dissociation is due to a lack of connectivity yet surely I should feel somewhat sad that she died?


I am usually an emotional person, often too emotional at times. I cried and felt devastated and strong feelings of grief when my cat died. When I feel sad or evoked by strong emotions such as in a piece of music, film, show or game, I cry. And when I’m angry I can boil over into rage that I start to shake in fury.


I was not say close to her, and maybe that is the problem but I had a bond with the other grandparents and definitely with my cat. When my cat died I felt such strong grief that it overwhelmed me and I wasn’t really able to do much of anything due to the deep aching depression that followed.

I suppose what I’m asking or looking for is some clarity or of some kinship that someone else has experienced this and may have had similar responses.
 
I'm not really moved by the deaths of people. But I will get overwhelmed with emotions when I see animals die or suffer. I too felt like an observer when I attended my gran's funeral. I remember seeing a GP not long after and describing the situation and he said that people who cried at funerals were crying for their own mortality. Quite blunt, but I understood where he was coming from.

Ed
 
Yes, I have had the same experience when both my parents died. I was 24 when my dad died and I remember making myself cry to see if that made me feel anything, but it didn't. When my mum died I was about 45 and I remember getting the phone call from the nursing home about her passing and I just said "thank you very much" and continued talking to the people that I was having lunch with.
However when my 15 year old dog died I was totally overcome and even 2 years later I still get very emotional and cry when I think about him.
So what does that say about us?
 
I'm not really moved by the deaths of people. But I will get overwhelmed with emotions when I see animals die or suffer. I too felt like an observer when I attended my gran's funeral. I remember seeing a GP not long after and describing the situation and he said that people who cried at funerals were crying for their own mortality. Quite blunt, but I understood where he was coming from.

Ed
That makes sense. Nice to know that it’s not just me being like this too.

Yes, I have had the same experience when both my parents died. I was 24 when my dad died and I remember making myself cry to see if that made me feel anything, but it didn't. When my mum died I was about 45 and I remember getting the phone call from the nursing home about her passing and I just said "thank you very much" and continued talking to the people that I was having lunch with.
However when my 15 year old dog died I was totally overcome and even 2 years later I still get very emotional and cry when I think about him.
So what does that say about us?

I get the same way regarding my cat, and it’s been 8 years!
 
I felt that way when my oldest aunt died two years ago. She wasn’t doing too well as she had Alzheimer’s which progressively grew worse and had it I think for at least ten years. I didn’t see my Aunt Linda that often growing up and only interacted with her at family gatherings. The last few times I saw her she didn’t know who I was but I can’t blame her for that given how little we saw each other when I was a kid. So when she died, I didn’t feel emotionally devastated because there was no point crying over someone I didn’t really know that well. Same thing with my mom’s youngest brother whom I only saw in person as a toddler since his oldest daughter was a few months older than me before he moved to Oregon and I only talked to him on the phone a few times when I visited my mom. My sister had more interactions with him. When my dad’s father died I also wasn’t in tears because he barely did anything memorable with me as a kid and I mostly knew him as spending most of the day sleeping in bed.
 
My mother died last year, and at her death I was sad but did not grieve. Two months before she suffered a significant stroke, and after I saw the MRI I knew just how massive it was and death was inevitable in a short while. I think that I grieved for her then, but I set to work to return her home because that was her wish to die there. That let me process a lot of things. We were able to inter her ashes earlier this year once the border with Canada opened up and we also had a luncheon in her honor. While I grew estranged from her as she never got me the help I needed when I didn't know I was Autistic, I was proud of myself for thinking well of her as she did her best to promote my interests.
 
This month is the four year anniversary of my mom's death. I did not grieve the same way that other's did. I did burst out crying in her hospital room at the moment of her death like other family members did, but that was for less than a minute for me and then it was gone. I found that I had fleeting moments of sadness or grief long after her death rather than the time after she died when most people grieve. My point is, there is no one right way to grieve and we shouldn't have to compare ourselves to others in that way.

I too feel little for people who die that are not close to me. Dying is a part of life and it happens to everyone. To me it seems unnatural to strongly grieve for people I don't know well even if that means they were related to me (e.g. distant relatives, etc.).
 
I did not grieve when my brother, father, and mother-in-law passed away,...at least not within the perspective of my own loss (cognitive empathy). I cried only because of the people around me that were crying (emotional empathy/mirror neurons).

The interesting thing, I was absolutely destroyed by my dog dying,...I had to hold him while the vet gave him his final shot. Stomach cancer. I cried for almost a week straight,...I was emotionally exhausted.

I now understand the biological/physiological reasons for this,...read up on "autism...oxytocin and vasopressin,...and interpersonal/social bonding". However, it still is quite unsettling when you are in a situation like this,...you really question your sanity and what kind of person you are.
 
I feel somewhat apprehensive about posting this but perhaps there’s an explanation for this that I can’t see and *hopefully* this is a lot more understandable.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago, and I didn’t really feel anything. There was no emotional response; and today during her funeral, I didn’t feel anything either. I was more of an observer to the procession, and I guess that’s understandable as I’ve never been to a funeral before despite loosing grandparents.

With the previous grandparents deaths, I was too young to really process anything and whilst I understood the concept of death, it was just a weird understanding that someone who was once there was now, no longer there and there was a gap. I was also closer to them, than the grandmothers who has recently died, and perhaps this dissociation is due to a lack of connectivity yet surely I should feel somewhat sad that she died?

I am usually an emotional person, often too emotional at times. I cried and felt devastated and strong feelings of grief when my cat died. When I feel sad or evoked by strong emotions such as in a piece of music, film, show or game, I cry. And when I’m angry I can boil over into rage that I start to shake in fury.

I was not say close to her, and maybe that is the problem but I had a bond with the other grandparents and definitely with my cat. When my cat died I felt such strong grief that it overwhelmed me and I wasn’t really able to do much of anything due to the deep aching depression that followed.

I suppose what I’m asking or looking for is some clarity or of some kinship that someone else has experienced this and may have had similar responses.

I have had the same experience, and I don't think there is any shame in it. I mentioned this in this thread as well: Weird Reactions to Famous People Passing:

"In terms of mourning for loved ones, I feel that I am different than the majority of people. I am definitely capable of immense grief, but it requires a great deal of attachment to the individual (which isn't a common thing for me). The greatest grief I have ever experienced was for my dog and ESA, Charlie, who died in Feb 2020--and I feel no shame in that."

I have had somewhat close family members pass, and I just didn't grieve in the same manner that I grieved for Charlie. I was inconsolable when he died. I mourned for months on end, to the point where my physical health was declining. I sobbed until my muscles and ribs were chronically sore. I still miss him terribly, and it has been nearly 2 years.

I'm not exactly sure why I don't have the same response with humans. It isn't that I don't feel sad or upset by family dying; perhaps my attachments to them are just not as strong? Or maybe I just have a different way of mourning for humans?
 
I did not grieve when my brother, father, and mother-in-law passed away,...at least not within the perspective of my own loss (cognitive empathy). I cried only because of the people around me that were crying (emotional empathy/mirror neurons).

The interesting thing, I was absolutely destroyed by my dog dying,...I had to hold him while the vet gave him his final shot. Stomach cancer. I cried for almost a week straight,...I was emotionally exhausted.

I now understand the biological/physiological reasons for this,...read up on "autism...oxytocin and vasopressin,...and interpersonal/social bonding". However, it still is quite unsettling when you are in a situation like this,...you really question your sanity and what kind of person you are.

*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss. :'(
It is the most terrible thing one can experience. I lost my dog, Charlie, to an undetected, ruptured hemangiosarcoma back in Feb. 2020. I am still traumatized by the experience. We went to the vet thinking we could save him, and drove home without our best friend. I made myself sick with grief. I still miss him very much.
 
I feel somewhat apprehensive about posting this but perhaps there’s an explanation for this that I can’t see and *hopefully* this is a lot more understandable.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago, and I didn’t really feel anything. There was no emotional response; and today during her funeral, I didn’t feel anything either. I was more of an observer to the procession, and I guess that’s understandable as I’ve never been to a funeral before despite loosing grandparents.

With the previous grandparents deaths, I was too young to really process anything and whilst I understood the concept of death, it was just a weird understanding that someone who was once there was now, no longer there and there was a gap. I was also closer to them, than the grandmothers who has recently died, and perhaps this dissociation is due to a lack of connectivity yet surely I should feel somewhat sad that she died?


I am usually an emotional person, often too emotional at times. I cried and felt devastated and strong feelings of grief when my cat died. When I feel sad or evoked by strong emotions such as in a piece of music, film, show or game, I cry. And when I’m angry I can boil over into rage that I start to shake in fury.


I was not say close to her, and maybe that is the problem but I had a bond with the other grandparents and definitely with my cat. When my cat died I felt such strong grief that it overwhelmed me and I wasn’t really able to do much of anything due to the deep aching depression that followed.

I suppose what I’m asking or looking for is some clarity or of some kinship that someone else has experienced this and may have had similar responses.

This seems to be common among members of our group. I posted about Betty White, and noted many (including myself) who made similar comments.
 
I now understand the biological/physiological reasons for this,...read up on "autism...oxytocin and vasopressin,...and interpersonal/social bonding". However, it still is quite unsettling when you are in a situation like this,...you really question your sanity and what kind of person you are.

Thanks for this reference, it gives a reasonable explanation of why we are like we are. I laughed at being compared to a non-monogomous prairy vole (never heard of one!). The only thing I was uneasy about was that they always discuss "treatment for autism", which is something that I don't think we need! We are what we are, for a reason, but don't need fixing. That's why this group is good as we can share our diversity and not feel inferior!
 
you really question your sanity and what kind of person you are.

that’s how I feel, and that’s why I posted this thread. In the past, when my grandfather died, my aunt made me feel like I was an uncaring monster with no feelings. The issue was also that I was not close. So with this recent one, I am questioning and generally felt like a terrible person.
 
yea, i experience the same thing. I DO care. i just don't seem to be able to "feel" the proper emotions. i have had this problem my whole life. Been called all sorts of names because of it. I have a more logical approach, and offer "answers" to the problem. And for that, i have been deemed un caring, un feeling, "not interested in others" etc. sigh. I would be that guy at the funeral, who does "work" there, cleaning, handing out guides, food, etc. and not saying much to anyone.
 
yea, i experience the same thing. I DO care. i just don't seem to be able to "feel" the proper emotions. i have had this problem my whole life. Been called all sorts of names because of it. I have a more logical approach, and offer "answers" to the problem. And for that, i have been deemed un caring, un feeling, "not interested in others" etc. sigh. I would be that guy at the funeral, who does "work" there, cleaning, handing out guides, food, etc. and not saying much to anyone.

I think that’s the hardest part of this is that because there’s an expectation to act the certain way and people expect those emotions to be visible, if they don’t see it they tend to view it as though no emotional monster. Can’t win! My aunt was horrified by me when she told me that my grandfather had died. She stared at me for a while expecting me to have some type of response but nothing then she perceived me as some type of unfeeling monster. Think this is where I have that turmoil from. Nice to know that others have the same.
 
I think that’s the hardest part of this is that because there’s an expectation to act the certain way and people expect those emotions to be visible, if they don’t see it they tend to view it as though no emotional monster. Can’t win! My aunt was horrified by me when she told me that my grandfather had died. She stared at me for a while expecting me to have some type of response but nothing then she perceived me as some type of unfeeling monster. Think this is where I have that turmoil from. Nice to know that others have the same.
yea, you are not alone in this. and we are not monsters. just,.different
 

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