Looking for some ideas....!

[ladybug]

This is a bit long, but I'm looking for ideas.......My 18 yr old son is aspie.... Before my marriage ended he and I were the 'best' at communicating out of his father, an older brother and younger sister... His aspieness is quite mild... And can live and operate his daily life well.... He did have some anger and rigidity on certain things... He clashed big time with his dad...
So as the marriage ended my ex left as he was being aggressive.... The kids and I remained... Then my ex started a campaign to build hate towards me... I never bad mouthed my ex (as I figured the kids will always have a relationship with him - and I didn't want to shame him to them) however my ex did not feel the same .... My children now live with him (he has a very well paid job- so was able to indulge them - while not paying for them or into the home) my job is not that well paid... So it was a struggle (still is)
My son, became more and more aggressive towards me... Language, not helping with chores, his personal laundry, his room.... In short he became a very lazy, angry, abusive and wanted to leave.... But he didn't go... Then I told him he needed to go spend time with his dad....I couldn't take it any more.... Coming home from work, the house a mess, (his father gave him money for alcohol ) he'd be drinking, and then the onslaught of either not answering or a torrent of abusive language....
So he left /I asked him to leave... When he left said 'do not contact me ever again' delete my number'... Etc... I have not seen him for months but left his Xmas and Easter present with my mum - my daughter keeps in touch with text - but I don't see her much at all....
I know my ex has filled them with so much hate and vitriol that it will take years for them (oldest and youngest) to come round.... But I feel my 18 yr old is gone from my life for good... He is very black and white...
I know this is a long saga.... But what can I do with him... How can I keep in touch when he doesn't..... I did text him very sparingly at the beginning... But his response was 'delete this number '..... So now I think he has blocked me....

 

[Bolletje]

I think you need to give him time and space to come around. I’m not saying he definitely will come around, but you can’t make him and you can’t speed up the process.

 

[ladybug]

I think you need to give him time and space to come around. I’m not saying he definitely will come around, but you can’t make him and you can’t speed up the process.

Thanks... I know you are right...that's why I texted sparingly...(3-4 times in 4-5 months).... I'd like him to know the reasons I wanted him to go... But his father just indulges him and now adds 'she threw you out... What kind of mother does that..?'

 

[Thinx]

This sounds difficult, but I don't see what else you could have done as he was acting so meanly and was aggressive. He may grow up to think differently. Meanwhile your own wellbeing is important and you need to keep on looking after yourself. You are still there for him and he probably knows that on some level. I hope you have some friends or others to support you and to talk with as you cope with all this.

 

[Tom]

Its sad but there is nothing to be done that you haven't done already. Live your own life. I would not easily let them back in to live with you, if it comes to that. It might be more scamming, playing parent against parent and for money, a place to live, not love.

 

[ladybug]

This sounds difficult, but I don't see what else you could have done as he was acting so meanly and was aggressive. He may grow up to think differently. Meanwhile your own wellbeing is important and you need to keep on looking after yourself. You are still there for him and he probably knows that on some level. I hope you have some friends or others to support you and to talk with as you cope with all this.

Thanks... Yes I have some good friends and my partner (aspie) has been so supportive....
I'm sure he does know that I am still there.....

 

[ladybug]

Its sad but there is nothing to be done that you haven't done already. Live your own life. I would not easily let them back in to live with you, if it comes to that. It might be more scamming, playing parent against parent and for money, a place to live, not love.

Its sad but there is nothing to be done that you haven't done already. Live your own life. I would not easily let them back in to live with you, if it comes to that. It might be more scamming, playing parent against parent and for money, a place to live, not love.

You see things exactly as my partner does... I would hate to think he'd do that..... I think I need to toughen up... As my son can be a bit 'manipulative'.... So it's wise to keep the distance-for just now.....

 

[Bella Pines]

Wow, I'm sorry you had to go through this.

It's impossible to know what the right thing to do is, and having 2 sons of my own I sometimes wonder if there is no right answer at all.

So I'll throw something into the mix that may or may not work, but at least you can look at all of our suggestions and something might inspire you.

Firstly, don't ever, ever drop to the depths that your ex has. The fact that you are even thinking about this means that you are miles better than him, so don't waste another thought for him, it's for the best that he is out of your life. Now your son is a different matter. I know how much it must hurt to see him angry and abusive, and also how much it would hurt to see him drinking. My eldest is approaching his teens and has had fits of "I hate you mum" that make me hide away and cry, then the next day he's back to his normal self. But use your love for him to get yourself through it, think of it as the hormones talking and find the strength to not react.

It doesn't sound like giving him space is working. Aspies can compartmentalize. The feelings are there, buried and can resurface with a fierce intensity. He has probably formed the wrong opinion of you, he probably remembers you angry and rejecting him. If you asked him to leave he would have put a narrative around that. He won't have seen the stress that your ex put you through, he will have made up a story about his mother not wanting him. So I would find a way to get him to listen. Maybe write a letter, forget about the room, the mess, the ex. Be the type of person that he can respect and admire, be strong, don't be a product of your awful situation, be the best person you can be in the circumstances. And write it all down along with how you feel about him and let him read it. And if it doesn't work, try again in 6 months, and so on. And the very best of luck

 

[ladybug]

Thanks for this.... I like the write the letter thing.... I hope he'd read it... But I can't be sure that he'd even get it (as he lives with my ex).... But it's worth a try.... I think that I couldn't ever get as low/destructive as my ex he has damaged all my children....but what he's done to my son... Is mental cruelty- as he knows what to put into his head with fake emails -supposed to be from me etc (my ex works in IT- I am no techie) so he's been inundated with information to bolster his lies.... But to my son -these are the facts.
But I will do the letter.... Thanks..!!

 

[Gracey]

If you’re not blocked by text, tell your son you love him once a day every day.

It’s up to him what he does with it or how, even if, he responds.


Doesn’t matter what your son does, says, believes, just a simple ‘I love you son’ every day.

 

[ladybug]

If you’re not blocked by text, tell your son you love him once a day every day.

It’s up to him what he does with it or how, even if, he responds.


Doesn’t matter what your son does, says, believes, just a simple ‘I love you son’ every day.

I think I'm blocked.... But I will text him....!! Thanks it's simple- and I'll feel like I've really done something......

 

[Bella Pines]

Thanks for this.... I like the write the letter thing.... I hope he'd read it... But I can't be sure that he'd even get it

Think like an aspie, I would break in to his school or work, hack his locker combination and leave it for him to find, or maybe pay his best friend (if he has one) to slip it into his bag, or fake the letter head of his bank statement, reuse an envelope that's addressed to him at your house and use that to post the letter(s). Or send it by owl! Of course I'm always treading the line between sweet and creepy, but I think he'd probably appreciate the effort. Remind him of better times.

And forget about the toxic ex, completely. Easier said than done I know, but I once did this with visualizations. I'd imagine weeding the thoughts out of my head every time they popped back, it's either that or the resentment consumes you. Whatever you do, don't try to fight your ex at his own game. If he is/was in IT, then your ex probably has aspie traits and will win with logic, distorting facts to convince the kids of whatever crap he is peddling. You won't be able to win that game so don't play it. Be their mum. That's something the evil ex will never be able to compete with.

 

[ladybug]

Think like an aspie, I would break in to his school or work, hack his locker combination and leave it for him to find, or maybe pay his best friend (if he has one) to slip it into his bag, or fake the letter head of his bank statement, reuse an envelope that's addressed to him at your house and use that to post the letter(s). Or send it by owl! Of course I'm always treading the line between sweet and creepy, but I think he'd probably appreciate the effort. Remind him of better times.

And forget about the toxic ex, completely. Easier said than done I know, but I once did this with visualizations. I'd imagine weeding the thoughts out of my head every time they popped back, it's either that or the resentment consumes you. Whatever you do, don't try to fight your ex at his own game. If he is/was in IT, then your ex probably has aspie traits and will win with logic, distorting facts to convince the kids of whatever crap he is peddling. You won't be able to win that game so don't play it. Be their mum. That's something the evil ex will never be able to compete with.

Thank you.... It's good to hear this..... I can't to IT or techie stuff... And he's been filling their heads for over two years now so it's well ingrained..... But thanks for the laugh...

 

[Bella Pines]

No problem! But don't worry about ingrained, the aspie brain will always question a situation and if the situation changes then so do we. I've been brainwashed a few times before, I knew it was happening and I happily went along with it, but it didn't stick.