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Looking for Advice: Autistic Husband with NT Wife

F

farcryrush

New Member
Hi there,

Newly-registered on this forum after lurking the last little while. I'm looking for some help and hoping someone here can assist or steer me in the right direction.

I'm recently self-diagnosed autistic (mid-30s, male) and have a NT wife. The realisation that I'm probably autistic (I say "probably" as I have some imposter syndrome-type feelings) has recontextualised a lot of the strife in my marriage, and a lot of it suddenly makes more sense.

But I'm looking to find out what to do next to hold up my end of the bargain in trying to resolve said strife.

Does anyone have any resources for what the autistic partner can do in these cases? Any articles, books, podcasters, YouTubers, etc...

I've done some Googling but pretty much everything I can find is geared towards the neurotypical partner. But surely there's work for me to do also?! I don't want to leave my wife carrying the burden of this by herself.

I understand that being autistic has likely been a big part in at least some of the relationship issues developing in the first place, and also explains why our attempts to resolve thus far haven't been working. In hindsight, it's felt a bit of a square peg / round hole situation, and that realisation has been a relief in some ways.

But this can't end with me just going "I'm autistic, deal with it", and it seems like all the resources I can find are either for her perspective. Any I've found for me are more like "so you might be autistic?", and don't really dive into the issue at hand. I haven't been able to find anything helpful at all in terms of how to manage being in a relationship or marriage with a neurotypical person, only the other way around.

Thanks,
FCR
 
It's great you are here seeking answers. Surprisingly, a lot of people do ask about their partners here. Did you wish to delve into what are her and your main concerns? How long married? Children? Are you currently getting thru day to day or are you discussing more serious options?

Anyways, only discuss what you feel comfortable discussing. There actually quite a few married members here and l have learned a lot about myself and someone who l believe is also on the spectrum. The biggest takeaway l have learned is to be brutally honest about my feelings, and not apologetic. But not in anyway to hurt this person, more to help them understand some of my serious issues l currently deal with. And to show compassion to this person.
 
Hello and welcome!
I am sure there are things you can do, but it might also be good to know the boundaries of what you can do so you and your wife can accept those and prevent more frustration.
I personally feel the disability strongest when dealing with emotional issues..

As I have only little experience with relationships I don't think I can help much but I wish you the best of luck in ASD-proofing your marriage, I am convinced you can make it as you show initiative and seem motivated to improve your situation.

So what are your specific problems in your marriage?

On YouTube are a few autistic people sharing their experiences with ND-NT relationships. Here is a short selection:





Good Luck!
 
Hello, welcome to the forum. :)

I can relate. I also think I have autistic traits and my wife seems more NT than me. Let me share what have worked for me:

  • Understanding how an autistic brain may differ from an NT brain.
    • Example 1: Now I understand that for an NT brain it can be perfectly fine to have a talk while music is on, and a tv show is on. NT brains can filter those signals efectively. So knowing ASD brains may have problems filtering them, now I put pause on the tv show and music if we are about to talk. This way I can pay more attention to what my wife is telling me without distractions so I can focus on her.
    • Example 2: Understanding that what I find important may be percieved by others as an "obsession" just because they find important other things groupally (like wearing makeup on their faces, or high heels). Before understanding that I was like "What I think is important is as valid as what you think is important". I dont care if what you think is important is also considered important by 90% of society. Now, I understand that "hive mind likes" makes them "universally valid". So now makeup and high heels are perfectly fine in my book and my strange likes are weird in my book, so I better understand my possition in society. :D So some years ago I thought that self defense was very important for my daugther, because Mexico can be dangerous for girls. But as "nobody cares" and she preffer swimming and dancing (what wont protect her but is socially more appropiate for a girl) now she does what she likes. And she likes what her group find acceptable... the hive mind transformation of my daughter is been difficult to accept for me.
    • Example 3: Understanding that NT brains proccess anger and other emotions in different ways. Speciffically their emotions dont rise so up or down, but last longer. So when I become very angry/happy/sad about something or when I get very interested/bored about something or find something to be critical/very important... now I understand that its the way I process it and wont be that intense for other people. Also, when I am done with something (was already solved, and I already archived it), I am more aware that may last for weeks for other people in their NT way of "Im worried about this, but not enought to solve it. Give me emotional support, please". :D
  • Working on myself. Smiling more, making some small talks, managin my energy better, being more aware of my triggers, reading more about the subjet. Also before knowing my ASD traits I invested a lot learning conversational and listening skills by taking a coaching degree and learning about that.
There are many good books about autism outthere, I have read this ones:
  • Animals in translation (is not about autism, but very related and the author is autist)
  • The autistic brain (autist author)
  • Guia autista (this in currently spanish only, but it has very good up to date splanations. The author is NT)
  • Neurotribes (this is an historical book about autism, but was also important to me to understad where do we come from as a comunity)
  • Sapiens. From animals to gods (is not about autism, but explains how group mind work, how society works, and many other hive mind mechanics that I found usefull. I dont finish yet this one.)
  • The Knight in Rusty Armor (this one was from my coaching learning years, is aimed to help us become aware of our white and black thinking, so I think it may be related with autism issues)
Now I want to start with biography likes books, of people with aspie-gifted traits. I want to understand their views so I expand mine. And I will probably also read more about sociology, psicology. :D

Non books sources of learning. I found very intersting to follow some spanish influencers about autism, and some spanish youtube channels. This one is english, and I think its very practical and interesting: https://www.youtube.com/c/AspergersfromtheInside

I think I overextended, probably was too vage in some things and too detailed in others... So please tell me if you need some more specific feedback.

Edit: Also, the "being married" issue is complex by nature. I mean, 90% of the problems may become from other sources than the NT-ASD differences. Gender differences, education, origins diferences, family issues... :confused:
 
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Definitely been there myself.

Didn't really use resources except in the sense of both her and I learning about autism itself.

One thing I would add is that your learning what she feels/thinks as an NT is as important as her learning about ASD.

But you have to deal with facts so both you and her getting to the point of knowing you are on the spectrum is essential I believe, whatever that takes.

I prefer to keep my autism private info, but a spouse is a must to know.
 
In my opinion, the best autism organization. I give it that distinction because of the wide array of offerings for all different types of people, its accessibility, the online groups that it offers, etc.

It includes a lot of resources for autistic people in relationships both for the autistic person as well as for the NT. In my experience it's also not slanted toward one or the other. One of the resources they have is an online group for NT partners of autistic people. My wife attended that group a few times. Her only criticism was that there were quite a few attendees each time so there wasn't a lot of time for substantive discussion after the intros were completed. YMMV ("Your Mileage May Vary" - meaning, other people might not feel the same way my wife did and instead find the offering very beneficial)).

Check this out: Couples/Partners – The Asperger / Autism Network (AANE)
 
Atrapa Almas said:
Hello, welcome to the forum. :)

I can relate. I also think I have autistic traits and my wife seems more NT than me. Let me share what have worked for me:

  • Understanding how an autistic brain may differ from an NT brain.
    • Example 1: Now I understand that for an NT brain it can be perfectly fine to have a talk while music is on, and a tv show is on. NT brains can filter those signals efectively. So knowing ASD brains may have problems filtering them, now I put pause on the tv show and music if we are about to talk. This way I can pay more attention to what my wife is telling me without distractions so I can focus on her.

FCR
Click to expand...


This sounds like ADHD, which commonly occurs with Autism- Both of them have somewhat similar origins?

Mind you, I have NO psychiatric training at all, it just what I've picked up in HMO classes and therapy.
 
The other way around here ie me, the wife who is on the spectrum and husband is not.

It is best to get a formal diagnosis. It stops the: I am or am I not - conundrum, which settles the mind and enable more productive thinking and also helps when communicating with others. Since my diagnosis, no one ever questions me, because, after all, I was formally diagnosed by a professional and thus, they should know. So, there is never a statement of: well, you look normal etc.
 
And then it feels like a bottomless pit if you are both on the spectrum, however the joys are also endless. In some ways you totally get no small talk, personal space, but other times you don't understand and feel nervous to approach about not understanding.
 
Thank you everyone for all of your replies. You've made me feel very welcome, and there's been some great information and advice, both in the thread and in the links and videos provided. It's helped direct me towards the more useful resources, as I was feeling quite overwhelmed before and didn't know where to start.

After taking time over the last day and a half to try get to grips with things, and after an encouraging talk with my wife, I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about things now than I was when I made my first post.

Obviously early days yet, and lots lots lots more work to be done, but I definitely think that all of this has been a huge help already!
 
Solitude issues lead to relationship issues.
Relationship issues lead to children issues.
And thats how we get sucked into the dark side of the force, my youngers padawans. :D
 
Aspychata said:
And of course, a wife should never utter the words, l have a headache, what was your qestion?
Click to expand...
As women dont give much of that anyway its a waste of time getting married.

If your quiet natured like me women are not interested anyway,its better to be a violent thug then they think more of you
 
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