Loneliness

[Abe1]

Does anyone on here feel lonely. I often struggle with this even around people I feel an outsider and envious of their ability to communicate.

At takes this can be so demoralising.

Are there ways to mitigate against this and do they work.

 

[wight]

I almost always feel like an outsider, no matter what group we are talking about. Even with people I've known for years. So in that sense, I know how you feel.

But I don't get lonely, I have no real need to socialize. So I have no advice on what to do about that part.

 

[Katleya]

Does anyone on here feel lonely. I often struggle with this even around people I feel an outsider and envious of their ability to communicate.

At takes this can be so demoralising.

Are there ways to mitigate against this and do they work.

I feel very much like you, and haven't got a clue how to deal with it. It's especially hard to handle because I don't like feeling lonely, but my need to be alone often, or for long periods of time, is so strong that it tends to interfere with any attempt I could make to connect with people.
It's a vicious cycle, really: feeling lonely -> reaching out -> end up exhausted -> need to be alone -> end up feeling lonely. Repeat.

 

[Momo]

I generally feel pretty cut off from everyone, but I don't always feel lonely over it.

 

[Judge]

It's especially hard to handle because I don't like feeling lonely, but my need to be alone often, or for long periods of time, is so strong that it tends to interfere with any attempt I could make to connect with people.
It's a vicious cycle, really: feeling lonely -> reaching out -> end up exhausted -> need to be alone -> end up feeling lonely. Repeat.

To me this dynamic is at the heart of our being on the spectrum of autism. That we have a love/hate relationship with others around us. Impossible to rationalize, yet it's very much a part of who and what we are.

Making socialization daunting in general.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I've been feeling lonely and like an outsider all my life, even around people. I never really fit in anywhere. I always envied the fact that other people just magically get along with each other and have so many more friends than I do. I hardly ever had any friends. I did manage to make some friends over recent years but I still can't hang out with them every weekend and I feel very lonely each day I don't spend time with them. I get jealous every time they hang out with their other friends, and I'm always scared of losing them because of the way I behave - and thus becoming lonely yet another time. When I was a kid I used to prefer solitude, but when it's been over 20 years it got very old and tiresome...yet it still persisted. I live with my parents who love me very much but I have pretty much nothing in common with them...not much to discuss, really. I work with 3 other people but again, not a lot in common and not much to talk about. I mostly just keep to my computer whenever I'm at home. On top of it all, my social skills are absolutely terrible.

I've never been in a romantic relationship before, never gone on a date before...and I feel like many people find me boring and annoying. I used to be even more annoying (and boring) in the past and that actually made people hate me. I ended up more alone than ever before; a social outcast, I dare even describe. I've always felt like I'm my own unique category or something, and finding out I have Asperger's kind of provides an answer to it...but it doesn't fix the solitude issues. I've recently been diminishing my loneliness by trying to meet some new peers, per my parents' advice. I go to various meetups, including restaurants and museum. I went to the Meetup website, which my mother found, to find some sort group I can somehow relate to (fellow geeks), and have been to some weekend meetups. I can relate to these people through geek stuff, but they all seem to be NT to me so I gotta be able to carefully decide how to behave around them so that I don't end up pushing them away and once again going 360 degrees full circle.

Joining this very online community right here has definitely diminished the lonely and outsider/alien feeling. I feel so much at home, with people I share so much in common with; people who have gone through similar struggles, ones that I can relate to...and there's always some help and advice to share here. Not to mention that the members are just so nice and kind. The fact that I can type such long forum replies tells me just how much I can relate to the members of AC. Joining has been one of the best things I've ever done, and I have my doc to thank for giving me that advice and just working with me on managing my Asperger's and maximizing my chances of being even less lonely. By the way, I'm also bored when I'm lonely and more prone to anxiety, too. As if my anxieties aren't severe enough as is, some of them stemming from the very fact that I'm lonely.

 

[The Penguin]

Sometimes but I don't think about it much or it will drive me crazy. I find endless things to keep me busy so I don't need to think about it.

 

[Sherlock77]

I've always felt a little like an outsider but have never really let it bother me.

I have never fit in well with the "in crowd", or those ultra popular people, but I have always managed to make some friends on the fringes of the popular crowd who seem to be mostly okay with my quirks, and I have many of them! I do think it comes down to a mindset, there are plenty of other quirky people out there, I think too many people try to fit in with that "in crowd"

 

[Maiki]

Are there ways to mitigate against this and do they work.

Hi! Looks like we're similar ages--I only say this because different ideas might work better for different stages of life. My issue is that I do feel lonely if not able to connect with others in a meaningful way for me. It's like I have a minimum amount of connection necessary, and if I don't meet that, I feel lonely. As you said, it's certainly possible to be surrounded by people but still lonely.
What works for me is to reach out (this can be in person or via text/ email). I look for somewhere that I can offer some assistance; for someone who might appreciate a 'hello' or kind word; something of interest where I might volunteer or contribute. It's the connection-- possibly only brief or virtual--that is what fills up that loneliness void. It may be hard to find friends, but for me at least, it's not always friends that fix loneliness! I've always detested asking for help, or appearing vulnerable. By offering something to others, or simply providing some help, it allows me to interact meaningfully with others-- on my own terms. Win-win, really

 

[Maiki]

I feel very much like you, and haven't got a clue how to deal with it. It's especially hard to handle because I don't like feeling lonely, but my need to be alone often, or for long periods of time, is so strong that it tends to interfere with any attempt I could make to connect with people.
It's a vicious cycle, really: feeling lonely -> reaching out -> end up exhausted -> need to be alone -> end up feeling lonely. Repeat.

I've been thinking lately that the problem with that cycle is that I am trying to reach out in the ways that my NT family/society have conditioned me to do. I have always found it exhausting and disappointing to put so much energy into 'making friends', 'hosting guests for coffee', 'attending parties' and on and on. Very few of those socially sanctioned activities gave me any sense of belonging or being connected into a community. More often than not, my social gestures wouldn't yield any lasting returns. So, I've been actively changing what I do when I feel lonely. See my post from a few minutes ago. I only reach out in ways that work for me. Usually, I am not reaching out to make or deepen friendships, but sometimes that is nice side effect anyway.

 

[Streetwise]

think about when i gets too much to be with people and you want to be alone

Does anyone on here feel lonely. I often struggle with this even around people I feel an outsider and envious of their ability to communicate.

At takes this can be so demoralising.

Are there ways to mitigate against this and do they work.

 

[Streetwise]

remember people are not slaves they can choose to talk or not to
you have to spend more time on mindfulness focusing to be calm
calm meetings want calm
if you have energy to expend think of going running walking dancing it will drain the energy that needs to be drained
IM at the point of being so tired my goal is to learn to rest sleep
if you go to a place of worship ask about helping with tasks !!!that !!!will drain !!!loneliness !!! places of worship volunteer groups rely on free help

 

[SusanLR]

That feeling alone is the big problem I am going through.
I also do not know how to feel fulfilled and happy with just myself. Being with others can take away the thinking about it for a while, but, at the end of the day it's just myself and my in sleep dreams are always about the few people I really felt bonded with that are now gone. Then it's up for another day of feeling that missing something I don't know how to fill. That someone that makes me feel complete and have the need to share things with.
If I can't feel at ease totally with people and I feel lonely alone, I guess I can only hope some day I will feel complete with myself and interactions with a few others would be the icing on the cake.
Desperately seeking Susan.

 

[Suzanne]

I can count on one hand the times I have actually felt IN THE PICTURE, and even then, it feels utterly surreal to me and frightens me actually.

I have never suffered lonliness, until end of last year and I felt like a rope was around my neck, because I saw no way out and not even music could take it away; every thing seemed to echo.

I NEED social interactions; but cannot DEAL with social interactions. I am not able to put on a mask and pose as an NT.

Yes, it is demoralising to say the least.

 

[Alaska]

Does anyone on here feel lonely. I often struggle with this even around people I feel an outsider and envious of their ability to communicate.

At takes this can be so demoralising.

Are there ways to mitigate against this and do they work.

Loneliness seems to be something most Aspies seem to have to deal with. I am not an exception in this regard.

I have this, "Catch 22", sort of thing going on with companionship. Someone close to me says that I drive people away, more than I really want to hear her say it.

The maintenance required to keep a friendship in a good state of repair is difficult for me most of the time, and requires me to expend a lot of energy. I have studied body language quite a bit to overcome my shortcomings in recognising what I need to do for friendship maintenance. Having to watch for body language signals and figure out what to do about them can be exhausting for me.

I seem to have a problem getting a happy medium going with friendships. Sometimes people get sort of obsessed with me and get a sort of feeling of ownership going about me. I find this alarming, and it makes me want to exit rapidly. Other times I get too clingy.

About the last thing I want is to make someone else feel the way I do when someone else gets obsessive and possessive. I also put effort into trying to not be clingy towards other people.

One of the things that I do to fend off feeling lonely, is to keep busy. I am not sure this will work for any other Aspies, but it might be worth a try. Cuddling and tending to my cats is also helpful to avoid feeling lonely. I also do volunteer work for my spirit. Last but not least is hanging out on Aspies Central with like minded people.

 

[Dillon]

Iam in the same boat as you are. I've always felt like I've never fit in anywhere to the point I feel lonely. I cannot find the right mature group of people to hang with. Heck sometimes I felt like why I was even put on into this world. However you have to just get out there an be yourself and don't worry about what other people may think of you.

 

[Irene Helrose]

I completely understand how you feel. I do feel lonely, but I see no point or purpose in social interactions. I don' have any close friends. My best friends are books, headphones and computers. I don't think I've ever felt that I belong in any setting except when I am alone. I always thought I was strange, but I recently realized that if it makes me happy and content to be alone, I should not feel bad about it. I do wish there was a way to not feel lonely sometimes, though...

 

[Irene Helrose]

I also have never had a romantic relationship or been close to anyone. Never been on a date...wouldn't know what to do if I was asked. I'd probably come home a nervous wreck from trying to maintain the thin NT veneer I put on to function at work five days a week. Only it would be worse, because I'd be one-on-one for the entire time instead of the more relaxed setting of ringing customers up and telling them where to find products.

 

[Adora]

I have dealt with issues of isolation through the years,for as long as I can remember I always felt like the odd one out and that I didn't belong to any group,I also never really wanted to be part of the "popular" group and as a teenager didn't understand why other teenagers were obsessed with being cool or with the in crowd,but even now I still feel like a fish out of water no matter where I am,I never feel like I belong or can relate to the people I meet in a room,I do sometimes get lonely but also I like to do the things on my own and never been into group activities but I can understand where you are coming from because I can still feel loneliness even when I'm around people.

 

[Abe1]

To me this dynamic is at the heart of our being on the spectrum of autism. That we have a love/hate relationship with others around us. Impossible to rationalize, yet it's very much a part of who and what we are.

Making socialization daunting in general.

Love/Hate sums it up so well, and the weird thing is the dividing line between these 2 extremes is so small.