So true, in my cycle I keep people at a distance, each out, but end up alienating people, causing me to go back into my shell.
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Loneliness
- Thread starter Abe1
- Start date
So true, in my cycle I keep people at a distance, each out, but end up alienating people, causing me to go back into my shell.
Mike Stouffer
Mike Stouffer
Great post Abe1! Thank you for sharing. I often feel lonely even while being in a room filled with people. It's okay. A safe way to check people out. Loneliness can really hurt inside. Small talk can break the ice but that too is clumsy and gets old at times. I often get into a hobby of some sort and find others with common interests. Sometimes helps, sometimes not. This site is a great place to connect with others and sign in when your feeling it. Check out the media section and view different works of art, photography, and such. Helps me. Good luck and have a great week!
I usually am a very optimistic person, so I guess I will just look at this as my one of my few negative posts, with exceptions to those posts where I critiqued the medical community and school systems, but I am starting to realize I do not fit in anywhere. I am apparently not an Aspie, though having some traits, but I do not feel like an NT, as I am so different than them. I am surviving and finding happiness on my own, as even my family I feel disconnected with in many ways. Let me explain about everything, so you do not misinterpret what I am saying.
First of all, I felt excluded by my parents while they were living.. They did not care about us children, as they were both very abusive and neglectful. Our Dad was an alcoholic, physically abusive, and never talked to us, but to yell at us. Our mother had severe mental illness, and was domineering and controlling, and she was selfish. She did little things, like the basics, but nothing more than that. Both parents enabled each other, and focused on their pain or themselves. They did not care about what we really wanted or needed. They both died 4 to 15 years ago.
Our sister is a narcissist, so obviously I did not relate there, as she is elitist and feels entitled to things and never reciprocated. She even wanted our mother to die earlier than she did, so she could rush back to her job in another state. She wanted to pull her feeding tube, so I and my brother took turns staying at the hospital until she passed. After our Mom died, Sis wanted her life insurance too, which she did not get, as my brother and I told her to go back to where she came from. My twin brother is nice, but he obsesses about nutrition and I feel that and sports is all he wants to talk about.
He lives far away, and I cannot be myself talking to him by phone, as he gets upset when I say how I am trying to grow by practicing singing and by making attempts to give public speeches one day. He thinks I am trying to be someone I am not, which I disagree strongly with. How does he know what I want and makes me happy? He is not me. I always want to be my best, and I love helping others on a bigger scale. He does not want that, so he assumes I do not. He is a great person nevertheless though, and he would help even a stranger in need, too.
Every job I ever tried before and for many years after college and university life, I did not fit in as there were people who loved criticizing and rejecting me because of extreme shyness where I could say but a 'yes,' 'no,' or 'I do not know' to everything then. At interviews I was pretending to be someone else by asking the things they wanted me to ask, according to proper interview etiquette, and with rehearsed replies to their expected questions, too. I had to quit because of extreme daily anxiety. I was not concentrating at all on my work. My head felt it was going to explode.
School experiences were awful, too. For the first 13 school years up to age 18, I could not talk because of severe social anxiety and fear. My face would be very red, my head always turned down or away, and my voice would waiver with a yes or no, if forced to say something, but 99.9% of the time I would say nothing. So, of course lots bullied me, and so I felt excluded in those school environments as well, and I felt I was not like them. The only ones I related to were the severe timid ones, but I worried if they could reciprocate any of my attempts with them.
College and university life was just slightly better. I had no friends there as I did not talk and make that efforts to anyone else, as I already knew those answers. They did not want to waste their time on someone like me. So, I made no friends, nor was I ready for that stress anyway. I studied alone at home, and in class my mind would wander while the other students seemed to be paying attention and jotting down notes. They likely all had dating or other relationships then, and had job desires in the future. I was going to more school just because I was supposed to do something.
I even created a social anxiety and shyness yahoo group long ago, but the majority of those persons either wanted not to grow and to just be themselves, or they were too negative about their issues. In my case, I was instead more negative about the others in the world, more so than hating myself, as I eventually learned in my twenties I was a good person, but treated bad because I did not fit in. I internally blamed others for any lack of understanding and caring for others like me, more than blaming myself. So, these socially anxious persons I was having difficulties relating to.
But, when I talked about self-improvement on that group, I had hardly no interest. So, I started to feel alone even more there too, and that I was different. Instead of those others being positive and supportive, about my efforts despite all the problems I had, and desires to overcome, they chose to focus back on themselves, or to say I should not be making those self-improvement attempts. Although to change or not in some ways is for certain conditions a personal choice, for many other conditions like for those with Autism, and other conditions, both physical and mental, it is not a choice.
(Continued on next post)
First of all, I felt excluded by my parents while they were living.. They did not care about us children, as they were both very abusive and neglectful. Our Dad was an alcoholic, physically abusive, and never talked to us, but to yell at us. Our mother had severe mental illness, and was domineering and controlling, and she was selfish. She did little things, like the basics, but nothing more than that. Both parents enabled each other, and focused on their pain or themselves. They did not care about what we really wanted or needed. They both died 4 to 15 years ago.
Our sister is a narcissist, so obviously I did not relate there, as she is elitist and feels entitled to things and never reciprocated. She even wanted our mother to die earlier than she did, so she could rush back to her job in another state. She wanted to pull her feeding tube, so I and my brother took turns staying at the hospital until she passed. After our Mom died, Sis wanted her life insurance too, which she did not get, as my brother and I told her to go back to where she came from. My twin brother is nice, but he obsesses about nutrition and I feel that and sports is all he wants to talk about.
He lives far away, and I cannot be myself talking to him by phone, as he gets upset when I say how I am trying to grow by practicing singing and by making attempts to give public speeches one day. He thinks I am trying to be someone I am not, which I disagree strongly with. How does he know what I want and makes me happy? He is not me. I always want to be my best, and I love helping others on a bigger scale. He does not want that, so he assumes I do not. He is a great person nevertheless though, and he would help even a stranger in need, too.
Every job I ever tried before and for many years after college and university life, I did not fit in as there were people who loved criticizing and rejecting me because of extreme shyness where I could say but a 'yes,' 'no,' or 'I do not know' to everything then. At interviews I was pretending to be someone else by asking the things they wanted me to ask, according to proper interview etiquette, and with rehearsed replies to their expected questions, too. I had to quit because of extreme daily anxiety. I was not concentrating at all on my work. My head felt it was going to explode.
School experiences were awful, too. For the first 13 school years up to age 18, I could not talk because of severe social anxiety and fear. My face would be very red, my head always turned down or away, and my voice would waiver with a yes or no, if forced to say something, but 99.9% of the time I would say nothing. So, of course lots bullied me, and so I felt excluded in those school environments as well, and I felt I was not like them. The only ones I related to were the severe timid ones, but I worried if they could reciprocate any of my attempts with them.
College and university life was just slightly better. I had no friends there as I did not talk and make that efforts to anyone else, as I already knew those answers. They did not want to waste their time on someone like me. So, I made no friends, nor was I ready for that stress anyway. I studied alone at home, and in class my mind would wander while the other students seemed to be paying attention and jotting down notes. They likely all had dating or other relationships then, and had job desires in the future. I was going to more school just because I was supposed to do something.
I even created a social anxiety and shyness yahoo group long ago, but the majority of those persons either wanted not to grow and to just be themselves, or they were too negative about their issues. In my case, I was instead more negative about the others in the world, more so than hating myself, as I eventually learned in my twenties I was a good person, but treated bad because I did not fit in. I internally blamed others for any lack of understanding and caring for others like me, more than blaming myself. So, these socially anxious persons I was having difficulties relating to.
But, when I talked about self-improvement on that group, I had hardly no interest. So, I started to feel alone even more there too, and that I was different. Instead of those others being positive and supportive, about my efforts despite all the problems I had, and desires to overcome, they chose to focus back on themselves, or to say I should not be making those self-improvement attempts. Although to change or not in some ways is for certain conditions a personal choice, for many other conditions like for those with Autism, and other conditions, both physical and mental, it is not a choice.
(Continued on next post)
(Continued)
Also, I never had friends locally, wherever I lived, as the only ones that could understand such would be those that were very like me, and with similar attitudes and dreams as I, in terms of being very shy but wanting to grow as a person and help many others. There were very few that would want to do that too, or that would be able to do that, as often those persons had enough issues to deal with than to take on others' pain, and to expend energy there. Most of those persons likely would not be much in public anyway, so I would have to privately search for them.
So, from my late teens to age forty I lived mostly alone, with exception of about three years where my brother lived with me during his college transfer to the university I was going to too. After he was finished with college he wanted to move far away from me. I never understood that. All those years that I lived alone, I was a bit depressed, as it was me facing the world by myself. I did not know what I wanted really in life: to avoid most all others, except to fulfill basic needs, to try relationships, to improve myself to one day to attempt work full time.
So, I attempted to talk to more persons on different online groups, and to be upfront, most were NTs and selfish. They never wanted to talk to me and get to know me. They wanted to talk about their lives, their worries and just their needs. I dated a few of those persons, but of course it went nowhere, as it was not a fit. I was not ready either regardless. So, I attempted to help myself in many ways for several years, and finally had the confidence to give the relationship a try. I found someone special, helped her with her issues as per need, and found some joy, too.
This leads me to wanting to talk about my home life the last eleven years.. I really love my wife and children, and not a day goes by where I do not appreciate them. They have helped me be a better person, too, by understanding others do not have easy lives either. I have much compatibility with my wife, so despite our many differences we get along well, and I understand lots of what our Autistic children can be going through, as I used to have routine needs, and with severe communication issues. And I was shunned too by much of society, and did not fit in. My family is not the problem.
But, I feel I am losing my identity at home. I am in that educating and caring mode, but am neglecting what I want to also do. I cannot elaborate further as I do not want to offend my family, and as when I got married and had children that is a full time commitment. I have to prioritize and the children and wife must come first. I can get satisfaction with doing things for family, but I feel I am not doing enough. I can only do so much, and I see many Aspies having problems, and I worry about our sons future, too. I do know they need my efforts to have a better life though.
I tried writing books in my spare time, to see if that would help, but nobody cares about writers these days, unless one is an aggressive seller and wanting to market the book in the public domain. That is not me. I like doing things privately, regardless if it could mean not helping the masses. I need to start doing things just for me, as I have been doing enough putting others first. One thing I can say is I have given 100% effort for everything I do, so I will not regret that. And I will not regret trying to lean from adult Aspies. I have learned much from you all, to help our sons.
Somehow, I need to reclaim my own identity, whatever that is, or maybe that is my identity, to feel alone and so different from everyone else. Maybe nobody will ever relate to me, or maybe I will never be able to relate totally to anyone else. Or maybe that is what makes us all special; everyone being so different. I do not know. It just feels like I am missing something big, in order to be happy. I feel I need more. I am too busy trying to support or assist persons, yet I feel I will always be lonely as nobody has the same personality, values and dreams as I.
Although with my wife and children, I am doing many things I would never had before done, and am going to some fun and relaxing places, and though I do enjoy seeing them happy, I need another type of happiness. I am not getting that. Maybe that is what I miss and need: being alone. Then that feeling alone would match with the being alone. Maybe that is what was destined for me. But, I cannot be alone, as one
parent cannot handle our two children's personal and educational minute-by-minute
needs. I would have guilt that I was not there for them.
So, I posted this just to show that there are others in this world who likely can feel or be very alone or feel excluded too, so I hope others understand that even those in a relationship and with children, and one with life skills and some abilities and positive attitude, these persons too can feel like it is them against the world. Feeling alone or being alone can be concerning, but sometimes it can be seen as neutral, and other times it can be really beneficial. I have yet to achieve the optimal balance, as I still do not feel that extra happiness. Maybe one day I will. I will keep trying to find those answers for me. Until then, I will try to enjoy the rest.
Also, I never had friends locally, wherever I lived, as the only ones that could understand such would be those that were very like me, and with similar attitudes and dreams as I, in terms of being very shy but wanting to grow as a person and help many others. There were very few that would want to do that too, or that would be able to do that, as often those persons had enough issues to deal with than to take on others' pain, and to expend energy there. Most of those persons likely would not be much in public anyway, so I would have to privately search for them.
So, from my late teens to age forty I lived mostly alone, with exception of about three years where my brother lived with me during his college transfer to the university I was going to too. After he was finished with college he wanted to move far away from me. I never understood that. All those years that I lived alone, I was a bit depressed, as it was me facing the world by myself. I did not know what I wanted really in life: to avoid most all others, except to fulfill basic needs, to try relationships, to improve myself to one day to attempt work full time.
So, I attempted to talk to more persons on different online groups, and to be upfront, most were NTs and selfish. They never wanted to talk to me and get to know me. They wanted to talk about their lives, their worries and just their needs. I dated a few of those persons, but of course it went nowhere, as it was not a fit. I was not ready either regardless. So, I attempted to help myself in many ways for several years, and finally had the confidence to give the relationship a try. I found someone special, helped her with her issues as per need, and found some joy, too.
This leads me to wanting to talk about my home life the last eleven years.. I really love my wife and children, and not a day goes by where I do not appreciate them. They have helped me be a better person, too, by understanding others do not have easy lives either. I have much compatibility with my wife, so despite our many differences we get along well, and I understand lots of what our Autistic children can be going through, as I used to have routine needs, and with severe communication issues. And I was shunned too by much of society, and did not fit in. My family is not the problem.
But, I feel I am losing my identity at home. I am in that educating and caring mode, but am neglecting what I want to also do. I cannot elaborate further as I do not want to offend my family, and as when I got married and had children that is a full time commitment. I have to prioritize and the children and wife must come first. I can get satisfaction with doing things for family, but I feel I am not doing enough. I can only do so much, and I see many Aspies having problems, and I worry about our sons future, too. I do know they need my efforts to have a better life though.
I tried writing books in my spare time, to see if that would help, but nobody cares about writers these days, unless one is an aggressive seller and wanting to market the book in the public domain. That is not me. I like doing things privately, regardless if it could mean not helping the masses. I need to start doing things just for me, as I have been doing enough putting others first. One thing I can say is I have given 100% effort for everything I do, so I will not regret that. And I will not regret trying to lean from adult Aspies. I have learned much from you all, to help our sons.
Somehow, I need to reclaim my own identity, whatever that is, or maybe that is my identity, to feel alone and so different from everyone else. Maybe nobody will ever relate to me, or maybe I will never be able to relate totally to anyone else. Or maybe that is what makes us all special; everyone being so different. I do not know. It just feels like I am missing something big, in order to be happy. I feel I need more. I am too busy trying to support or assist persons, yet I feel I will always be lonely as nobody has the same personality, values and dreams as I.
Although with my wife and children, I am doing many things I would never had before done, and am going to some fun and relaxing places, and though I do enjoy seeing them happy, I need another type of happiness. I am not getting that. Maybe that is what I miss and need: being alone. Then that feeling alone would match with the being alone. Maybe that is what was destined for me. But, I cannot be alone, as one
parent cannot handle our two children's personal and educational minute-by-minute
needs. I would have guilt that I was not there for them.
So, I posted this just to show that there are others in this world who likely can feel or be very alone or feel excluded too, so I hope others understand that even those in a relationship and with children, and one with life skills and some abilities and positive attitude, these persons too can feel like it is them against the world. Feeling alone or being alone can be concerning, but sometimes it can be seen as neutral, and other times it can be really beneficial. I have yet to achieve the optimal balance, as I still do not feel that extra happiness. Maybe one day I will. I will keep trying to find those answers for me. Until then, I will try to enjoy the rest.
OlLiE
Well-Known Member
my earliest memory is the feeling of being outside looking in and not being able to understand why i couldn't seem to change, was it them that sensed me? was it me that built up my own walls because of how i felt and the fear of not being accepted? i don't know, the feeling has always remained but my experience of it has changed considerably, as a child it made me feel uncertain and unwanted and unhappy, as an adult i actually now enjoy the peace of solitude, i enjoy talking very little for days, just the minimum to buy food, what helped me is finding my gf, we're both difficult people, but we both have learned to listen to each other, i'd be lost without her, so i've got the best of both worlds, a partner that keeps me tied in to reality and that also accepts my need for isolation and quiet - there is a friend or a partner out there for everyone
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