I don't intend for this to be just be a long, sad story where everyone feels bad for me. That's what it is, but that's not the point. I know it's really long.. this is something I've been thinking about for years, and my brain is all out of thoughts. I've talked to therapists and a couple friends about it, but they're all just sympathetic about it. I want something a little more analytical.
7 years ago, I saw someone down the aisle of seats, leaning his head on someone. Somehow, just from that, I immediately became obsessed with him.. I couldn't stop thinking about him to the point where I couldn't function, so I decided I'd tell him just to get it over with.
He did this thing where he'd say he liked me and we'd hang out then he'd say he's Christian and we can't be together because it's wrong. I'd totally freak out and be suicidally depressed, he'd changed his mind, we'd date, he'd change his mind and say we can't, on and on, sometimes saying it during or immediately after sex.
There were long stretches where he didn't do that all, the longest being about eight months. Over the course of three years, he ended it and started it again thirteen times. The thirteenth time, I attempted suicide, and when I got out of the hospital, he told me he couldn't date me anymore because I did that and that I shouldn't have done that because I should have known he'd come back.
From there, I basically had a breakdown every week, did a psychotic amount of self harm and abused ridiculous amounts of drugs. He messaged me a few times and made it seem like we might get back together then would suddenly make it clear it wasn't happening. I blocked him and he made a fake account and messaged me and would randomly "like" things on my Facebook from the fake account. I blocked that, and he made another.
At some point, I unblocked him and tried talking to him, I was probably on drugs, but he said no and blocked me. A while later, I told a mutual friend to tell him that I needed to talk to him and that if he didn't, I might hurt myself or something stupid like that, and then he did talk to me but just to tell me that I need to talk to someone else about that.
That was the last contact, three years ago, and I've thought about him every day since. I still have the strange feeling that I'm "supposed" to be with him and no one else I've ever met even seems like a viable candidate, as if he's the only person I could possibly be with.
I'm not particularly emotional about all of this anymore, but I am starting to wonder if it'll ever go away. Am I just being childish in thinking that four years is a long time? I thought it'd be a year or two at most before he'd start to fade away, but I still have the eerie feeling that he went somewhere and I'm just waiting here for him.
Is this related to Autism? Does anyone have an experience like this? I've had a lot of therapy, and it's helped make me numb to it all, but it doesn't change the things I've described.
It seems so strange to me, how my body and mind can remain so attached. And attached to what? The person I'm imagining doesn't exist. He must have changed after four years, which means my obsession is with a memory. But why? It 90% misery, he was awful almost all of the time, and yet he seemed perfect in every way to me. I see people who share similar features or look like him from behind, and I think about how he's the most beautiful thing there ever was. But why do I think that? What is it in us, what connections in the brain, lead to that conclusion?
Is it possible I'm overthinking it, and this is just normal love? Is this something most people experience or has this gone further?
Here are things in my past that I've always contemplated as being possible factors:
1. I was physically bullied quite badly by almost exclusively Hispanic boys, and now I'm coincidentally attracted almost exclusively to Hispanic men.
2. When bullied, they hit me a lot, but, verbally, they never said anything literally mean. They'd say they liked me and say I'm funny and laugh a lot, which made it look like we were friends from afar, but they were just laughing at me. But no obvious insults. And now I only have attraction to people who behave similarly to that, being apparently nice but mean in other ways or insulting implicitly. The person I'm obsessed with was also a bully in many ways, physical and otherwise.
3. My mom kept home me from school an unusual amount, starting in Kindergarten when I went to school 2-3 days a week, and she'd bring me around with her everywhere. I have three brothers, so no clue why this happened with me. Around fifth grade, she suddenly stopped paying that much attention to me, would sometimes forget to get me from school, and I'd not go to school because I was used to that and no one would notice or care. The next time she paid a significant amount of attention was when I attempted suicide when I was sixteen.
4. My parents didn't allow us to see doctors (Christian Science) and I suffered from simple partial seizures, although I had no clue that's what it was at the time of course, and I was sick very often, sometimes with a lot pain, a few times begging to see a doctor. I remember a lot of times, sitting at home when I'm supposed to be in school, just waiting for the seizure to stop.
Somehow I feel like everything I've said so far is related, and I've tried making and explaining connections, before but they always feel wrong or incomplete. Most of the time I have trouble articulating whatever it is I'm feeling is true, or something feels right but I don't know why or how to explain what it is that feels right.
Is some or all of this normal? I get so confused about what's common, what life is like for other people, and what's acceptable or good. I was so sheltered and anti-social for most of my life that when I started talking to people I was constantly being shocked by everything, and I seemed to know nothing, which confused me because I had such spent an incredible amount of time reading. But I realize now that it's different universes, reading novels and talking to people. I still frequently don't know something that freaks everyone out. I'm still "funny."
I mean, I AM funny.
But it's only intentional about half the time.
So maybe all of this is normal, and I just ranted for the length of a short story about another generic heart-break. I really can't tell anymore.
I totally understand if no one reads all of this. I won't be offended! I won't even cry!
That much!
See? I'm hilarious!
7 years ago, I saw someone down the aisle of seats, leaning his head on someone. Somehow, just from that, I immediately became obsessed with him.. I couldn't stop thinking about him to the point where I couldn't function, so I decided I'd tell him just to get it over with.
He did this thing where he'd say he liked me and we'd hang out then he'd say he's Christian and we can't be together because it's wrong. I'd totally freak out and be suicidally depressed, he'd changed his mind, we'd date, he'd change his mind and say we can't, on and on, sometimes saying it during or immediately after sex.
There were long stretches where he didn't do that all, the longest being about eight months. Over the course of three years, he ended it and started it again thirteen times. The thirteenth time, I attempted suicide, and when I got out of the hospital, he told me he couldn't date me anymore because I did that and that I shouldn't have done that because I should have known he'd come back.
From there, I basically had a breakdown every week, did a psychotic amount of self harm and abused ridiculous amounts of drugs. He messaged me a few times and made it seem like we might get back together then would suddenly make it clear it wasn't happening. I blocked him and he made a fake account and messaged me and would randomly "like" things on my Facebook from the fake account. I blocked that, and he made another.
At some point, I unblocked him and tried talking to him, I was probably on drugs, but he said no and blocked me. A while later, I told a mutual friend to tell him that I needed to talk to him and that if he didn't, I might hurt myself or something stupid like that, and then he did talk to me but just to tell me that I need to talk to someone else about that.
That was the last contact, three years ago, and I've thought about him every day since. I still have the strange feeling that I'm "supposed" to be with him and no one else I've ever met even seems like a viable candidate, as if he's the only person I could possibly be with.
I'm not particularly emotional about all of this anymore, but I am starting to wonder if it'll ever go away. Am I just being childish in thinking that four years is a long time? I thought it'd be a year or two at most before he'd start to fade away, but I still have the eerie feeling that he went somewhere and I'm just waiting here for him.
Is this related to Autism? Does anyone have an experience like this? I've had a lot of therapy, and it's helped make me numb to it all, but it doesn't change the things I've described.
It seems so strange to me, how my body and mind can remain so attached. And attached to what? The person I'm imagining doesn't exist. He must have changed after four years, which means my obsession is with a memory. But why? It 90% misery, he was awful almost all of the time, and yet he seemed perfect in every way to me. I see people who share similar features or look like him from behind, and I think about how he's the most beautiful thing there ever was. But why do I think that? What is it in us, what connections in the brain, lead to that conclusion?
Is it possible I'm overthinking it, and this is just normal love? Is this something most people experience or has this gone further?
Here are things in my past that I've always contemplated as being possible factors:
1. I was physically bullied quite badly by almost exclusively Hispanic boys, and now I'm coincidentally attracted almost exclusively to Hispanic men.
2. When bullied, they hit me a lot, but, verbally, they never said anything literally mean. They'd say they liked me and say I'm funny and laugh a lot, which made it look like we were friends from afar, but they were just laughing at me. But no obvious insults. And now I only have attraction to people who behave similarly to that, being apparently nice but mean in other ways or insulting implicitly. The person I'm obsessed with was also a bully in many ways, physical and otherwise.
3. My mom kept home me from school an unusual amount, starting in Kindergarten when I went to school 2-3 days a week, and she'd bring me around with her everywhere. I have three brothers, so no clue why this happened with me. Around fifth grade, she suddenly stopped paying that much attention to me, would sometimes forget to get me from school, and I'd not go to school because I was used to that and no one would notice or care. The next time she paid a significant amount of attention was when I attempted suicide when I was sixteen.
4. My parents didn't allow us to see doctors (Christian Science) and I suffered from simple partial seizures, although I had no clue that's what it was at the time of course, and I was sick very often, sometimes with a lot pain, a few times begging to see a doctor. I remember a lot of times, sitting at home when I'm supposed to be in school, just waiting for the seizure to stop.
Somehow I feel like everything I've said so far is related, and I've tried making and explaining connections, before but they always feel wrong or incomplete. Most of the time I have trouble articulating whatever it is I'm feeling is true, or something feels right but I don't know why or how to explain what it is that feels right.
Is some or all of this normal? I get so confused about what's common, what life is like for other people, and what's acceptable or good. I was so sheltered and anti-social for most of my life that when I started talking to people I was constantly being shocked by everything, and I seemed to know nothing, which confused me because I had such spent an incredible amount of time reading. But I realize now that it's different universes, reading novels and talking to people. I still frequently don't know something that freaks everyone out. I'm still "funny."
I mean, I AM funny.
But it's only intentional about half the time.
So maybe all of this is normal, and I just ranted for the length of a short story about another generic heart-break. I really can't tell anymore.
I totally understand if no one reads all of this. I won't be offended! I won't even cry!
That much!
See? I'm hilarious!