Life-long Obsession?

[Fino]

I don't intend for this to be just be a long, sad story where everyone feels bad for me. That's what it is, but that's not the point. I know it's really long.. this is something I've been thinking about for years, and my brain is all out of thoughts. I've talked to therapists and a couple friends about it, but they're all just sympathetic about it. I want something a little more analytical.

7 years ago, I saw someone down the aisle of seats, leaning his head on someone. Somehow, just from that, I immediately became obsessed with him.. I couldn't stop thinking about him to the point where I couldn't function, so I decided I'd tell him just to get it over with.

He did this thing where he'd say he liked me and we'd hang out then he'd say he's Christian and we can't be together because it's wrong. I'd totally freak out and be suicidally depressed, he'd changed his mind, we'd date, he'd change his mind and say we can't, on and on, sometimes saying it during or immediately after sex.

There were long stretches where he didn't do that all, the longest being about eight months. Over the course of three years, he ended it and started it again thirteen times. The thirteenth time, I attempted suicide, and when I got out of the hospital, he told me he couldn't date me anymore because I did that and that I shouldn't have done that because I should have known he'd come back.

From there, I basically had a breakdown every week, did a psychotic amount of self harm and abused ridiculous amounts of drugs. He messaged me a few times and made it seem like we might get back together then would suddenly make it clear it wasn't happening. I blocked him and he made a fake account and messaged me and would randomly "like" things on my Facebook from the fake account. I blocked that, and he made another.

At some point, I unblocked him and tried talking to him, I was probably on drugs, but he said no and blocked me. A while later, I told a mutual friend to tell him that I needed to talk to him and that if he didn't, I might hurt myself or something stupid like that, and then he did talk to me but just to tell me that I need to talk to someone else about that.

That was the last contact, three years ago, and I've thought about him every day since. I still have the strange feeling that I'm "supposed" to be with him and no one else I've ever met even seems like a viable candidate, as if he's the only person I could possibly be with.

I'm not particularly emotional about all of this anymore, but I am starting to wonder if it'll ever go away. Am I just being childish in thinking that four years is a long time? I thought it'd be a year or two at most before he'd start to fade away, but I still have the eerie feeling that he went somewhere and I'm just waiting here for him.

Is this related to Autism? Does anyone have an experience like this? I've had a lot of therapy, and it's helped make me numb to it all, but it doesn't change the things I've described.

It seems so strange to me, how my body and mind can remain so attached. And attached to what? The person I'm imagining doesn't exist. He must have changed after four years, which means my obsession is with a memory. But why? It 90% misery, he was awful almost all of the time, and yet he seemed perfect in every way to me. I see people who share similar features or look like him from behind, and I think about how he's the most beautiful thing there ever was. But why do I think that? What is it in us, what connections in the brain, lead to that conclusion?

Is it possible I'm overthinking it, and this is just normal love? Is this something most people experience or has this gone further?

Here are things in my past that I've always contemplated as being possible factors:
1. I was physically bullied quite badly by almost exclusively Hispanic boys, and now I'm coincidentally attracted almost exclusively to Hispanic men.

2. When bullied, they hit me a lot, but, verbally, they never said anything literally mean. They'd say they liked me and say I'm funny and laugh a lot, which made it look like we were friends from afar, but they were just laughing at me. But no obvious insults. And now I only have attraction to people who behave similarly to that, being apparently nice but mean in other ways or insulting implicitly. The person I'm obsessed with was also a bully in many ways, physical and otherwise.

3. My mom kept home me from school an unusual amount, starting in Kindergarten when I went to school 2-3 days a week, and she'd bring me around with her everywhere. I have three brothers, so no clue why this happened with me. Around fifth grade, she suddenly stopped paying that much attention to me, would sometimes forget to get me from school, and I'd not go to school because I was used to that and no one would notice or care. The next time she paid a significant amount of attention was when I attempted suicide when I was sixteen.

4. My parents didn't allow us to see doctors (Christian Science) and I suffered from simple partial seizures, although I had no clue that's what it was at the time of course, and I was sick very often, sometimes with a lot pain, a few times begging to see a doctor. I remember a lot of times, sitting at home when I'm supposed to be in school, just waiting for the seizure to stop.

Somehow I feel like everything I've said so far is related, and I've tried making and explaining connections, before but they always feel wrong or incomplete. Most of the time I have trouble articulating whatever it is I'm feeling is true, or something feels right but I don't know why or how to explain what it is that feels right.

Is some or all of this normal? I get so confused about what's common, what life is like for other people, and what's acceptable or good. I was so sheltered and anti-social for most of my life that when I started talking to people I was constantly being shocked by everything, and I seemed to know nothing, which confused me because I had such spent an incredible amount of time reading. But I realize now that it's different universes, reading novels and talking to people. I still frequently don't know something that freaks everyone out. I'm still "funny."

I mean, I AM funny.

But it's only intentional about half the time.

So maybe all of this is normal, and I just ranted for the length of a short story about another generic heart-break. I really can't tell anymore.

I totally understand if no one reads all of this. I won't be offended! I won't even cry!

That much!

See? I'm hilarious!

 

[Suzanne]

Sounds terribly similar to what I went through when I was 19 and found that I loved the guy I had been dating since 18.

I became obsessed with him, but well, not openly. I could not eat drink or anything, unless he phoned and oh boy, when that phone rang, it felt like I was in a dream as I walked to it and seem to take for ever to answer and then....his voice and I felt like I was on cloud 9 ( I believe the expression is)?

Or if someone else picked up the phoned and called out: it is for you. Drop everything. Didn't care if I was in the middle of something and would rush to that blasted phone.

He played with me basically, as the guy you are obsessed is playing with you.

The "day" that the obsession quietened down, when on me crying, due to past sexual abuse and "mother" taking "father's" side and all my guy said: well, you brought it on yourself. If you had not said anything, you would not be upset.

I remember meeting up with him by pure chance one day ( as a married woman) and it was one of strangeness. We went to a pub and spent the entire day talking.

I went to the toilet and actually punched the air and screamed: yeah, I am not obsessed with him anymore!

Unfortunately, it awakened something in side and it took a good 10 years after dating him, to oust him completely and I confirmed this, when out of no where, he facebook messages me! It was like another life.

I cannot tell you to get the heck away from this distructive guy, because had anyone told me the same, I would have turned my back on them!

If he had asked me to marry him, I would have, but I know that it would have been a disaster and that is from someone who believes we were deeply connected.

No one matched up to him! I felt half alive when I was not with him.

I remember being in a nightclub and it was planned to meet him there. For some unknown reason, I was dancing on a stage with others and he walks in and holds his arms out to me and I fell off the stage, into his arms and we were hugging and kissing on the floor and well, thrown out of the nightclub. But I did not care. I was with my guy and that is all I cared about.

And I chatted with him about a year ago or so and no feelings left.

 

[Kyou Nukui]

Yes it is quite a common thing, I've heard, for autists to be "obsessed" with people just as with things/activities.

I don't mind telling you to stay the f away from this person.
You are not anyone's toy to be picked up played with whenever they feel like it and thrown away repeatedly.

Okay I will admit I don't always adhere to my own rules, including the one about the third dump being the last opportunity they'll ever get to dump me. I am allowed to be a hypocrite occasionally. I would draw a line somewhere though. Being dumped over and over again is surely, clearly, doing you a great deal of emotional harm.
Not to mention the time wasted on a bad prospect. You need to find your true partner. Time waits for no one.

 

[TheFreeCat]

Over-attachments are scary. You wonder if they will ever leave your mind. When that happens to me, I try to look at the thoughts in the same way I would other intrusive thoughts.

It would be much worse if the other person were actively fueling it like this person is doing to you. That would also cause me to have a breakdown, to be honest.

Recovery once you have invested in something like this can take a long time. I am not sure it would NOT be life long if the investment was very deep.

But can you look at it like recovery of anything? Something has happened, it has grabbed your mind and brain in the same way an illness or addiction has and you want it to stop.

Can you look at it like recovery from an addiction or illness?

Has he finally left you alone to recovery?

My thoughts are with you. It's never easy for ASD because we feel things much more deeply than NTs.

 

[Pats]

Hi Fino. I don't think you're alone in this. Yes, we tend to seek people that there is a familiarity with - good or bad. It's just what we're used to and I think, being autistic makes us even more prone to sticking with familiarity. Then someone tends to become an obsession - I've often wondered how NT's seem to go on with other parts of their lives so easily when in a relationship. I know I would feel 100% of me was focused on the relationship and it was hard to do anything else.
There was a movie, "Bridges Over Madison County" and I hated that movie for 2 reasons. One it just glorifies an affair, and two if she had left her husband and gone with this man she fell in love with she would have been no happier in the long run, but because she didn't, her feelings for him remained as strong. With that I leave you this to consider. You'll never be happy with this guy in real life. But if you keep him in your past you can have what you want him to be and keep him in your dreams to enjoy the rest of your life. But keep him there. I know. I made the mistake of years later finally marrying mine and it was nothing but misery and now I messed up who used to be in my dreams. Now I have to fall back on George Harrison. lol JK

 

[Mr Allen]

I still dream about getting Neighbours babe Rebekah Elmaloglou to bear my Children.

I know that according to Wikipedia she's 2 years my senior and married, but heck, I still would! She's hot and gorgeous.

 

[Annanda]

So maybe all of this is normal, and I just ranted for the length of a short story about another generic heart-break. I really can't tell anymore.

It's kind of normal.
You are autistic: it's normal, that you can be obsessed with a person.
You were heavily abused by this guy (at least emotionally) and in this case there can occur a psychological phenomenon called Stockholm-syndrome. Just google and if you have questions about it, please feel free to ask.
Me too I needed 10 years to recover and mentally separate from a guy I loved and was together with for 2 years, when I was young.
The good news is: it will pass, if you don't feed it anymore!
May be you want to watch some youtube videos about narcissism.
For some people it's important to understand fully what happened to them and then one day the obsession, the grief just fades out.
But in this case you have to have resources, to find joy whenever you need it.
Take care!

 

[Fino]

@Suzanne thank you so much for sharing! It was the first time I've ever heard someone else describe a similar situation, and then you had a happy ending!

Yes it is quite a common thing, I've heard, for autists to be "obsessed" with people just as with things/activities.

For some reason, I had been thinking that if it were an obsession related to Autism, the obsession would fade without regular indulgence. But I guess if thoughts count as indulgence then I never did go without regular indulgence, whether that's even or relevant or not.

But thank you! It's good to hear someone talk so negatively about it, because my mind tends to not go to that point and try convincing me it wasn't as bad as I thought that I'm just being dramatic and should try again.

Over-attachments are scary. You wonder if they will ever leave your mind. When that happens to me, I try to look at the thoughts in the same way I would other intrusive thoughts.

It would be much worse if the other person were actively fueling it like this person is doing to you. That would also cause me to have a breakdown, to be honest.

Recovery once you have invested in something like this can take a long time. I am not sure it would NOT be life long if the investment was very deep.

But can you look at it like recovery of anything? Something has happened, it has grabbed your mind and brain in the same way an illness or addiction has and you want it to stop.

Can you look at it like recovery from an addiction or illness?

Has he finally left you alone to recovery?

My thoughts are with you. It's never easy for ASD because we feel things much more deeply than NTs.

I've actually never thought of it that way! I'll try it! Thank you! Sometimes I think maybe it's all somehow romantic, like the way all those books and movies have people waiting for one person or some other insane thing for someone.

A few months ago, he did that thing with the fake Facebook accounts where he 'likes' things. I messaged him because I was going to ask him to stop, but he wouldn't answer. I messaged him every day for a few days then just left a message asking him to stop. Then a friend of his messaged me, asking me to please stop messaging him, as if I were the one bothering him. But I explained it to his friend, about how I just wanted him to stop doing the fake account thing and his friend hadn't known about it and laughed and said he would tell him. Then I put my account on private, so I think that keeps it from happening. That was the last "contact".

I had been thinking of posting something on this subject for a while and what made me decide to do it last night was that I played in a recital at my old school, which was where I met him, and I hung out with a few friends and one of them was a guy that liked me and we went on two or three dates but ended up telling him I couldn't continue because I was too obsessed with that other guy, and he was very mad about that. So although I think about the guy every day, I usually don't feel much about it, it's just sorta there, but last night it was triggered to a much stronger point, just seeing someone that was tangentially related to him.

I've often wondered how NT's seem to go on with other parts of their lives so easily when in a relationship.

I've wondered that exact thing! Even just recently, all I did was message with someone a lot and go on one date, and somehow every aspect of my life suddenly existed in relation to him! I had to stop seeing him completely so that I could focus on school. What is up with that!?

It's kind of normal.
You are autistic: it's normal, that you can be obsessed with a person.
You were heavily abused by this guy (at least emotionally) and in this case there can occur a psychological phenomenon called Stockholm-syndrome. Just google and if you have questions about it, please feel free to ask.
Me too I needed 10 years to recover and mentally separate from a guy I loved and was together with for 2 years, when I was young.
The good news is: it will pass, if you don't feed it anymore!
May be you want to watch some youtube videos about narcissism.
For some people it's important to understand fully what happened to them and then one day the obsession, the grief just fades out.
But in this case you have to have resources, to find joy whenever you need it.
Take care!

Thank you so much!

I just read some about Stockholm-Syndrome, and it's scary how accurate it is. I've never thought of it that way. I had never thought of that syndrome as being in the context of a relationship.

I have watched videos about Narcissism, because I've had friends suggest that, too. It's somewhere around that area that I start to get confused sometimes. I have this confusing line of thought where I wonder if I was the one at fault for most of the problems. He's told me I'm abusive several times, and sometimes I wonder if that's true, even though it's mentioned in everything that that's what they do, but if it were true that I am, then me saying he is would be fulfilling the criteria just as much as me saying that him saying I'm abusive makes him abusive... and at some point during the third year, he read a book about things I've been diagnosed with and whenever I was upset about something, would talk in some weird way he learned from the book, sorta like a therapist talking to a retarded person. The totality of everything has become confusing beyond explanation.

 

[Tom]

Its like you are a TV and he has the remote controlling you.

Not good. Time to dump this memory/person permanently. Progress to next level.

 

[Annanda]

The totality of everything has become confusing beyond explanation.

Oh yes! I truly know what you are speaking about! You are not alone in the world with this experience.

 

[tducey]

It's happened to me as well, unfortunately. Thing is to not become to obsessed with someone obviously. Still if you do talk it over with others and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

[Fino]

It's happened to me as well, unfortunately. Thing is to not become to obsessed with someone obviously. Still if you do talk it over with others and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Do you know of anything specific to prevent it from happening again?

Maybe just being more aware? I don't know.

 

[Nauti]

I totally relate. I'm obsessed with the guy I'm with now. Luckily, he's not abusive and actually told me to "go out, and get on with my life" earlier in the piece, so I did.
Also, luckily, he fell for me, equally as hard, in the long run and is on the spectrum, as well, so we are compatible.

I had a bad run, with a narcissistic guy for twenty years, before my present successful and healthy (for an auti) relationship, though.

I'm wondering, in your case, whether Dialectical Behavioural Therapy might be a good fit for you? As well as getting your head around co dependency and getting some support for that, because it does sound like you might have some symptoms similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, concurrent and comorbid with your ASD?
It, also, sounds like "trauma enmeshment" with this guy.
And maybe narcissistic "gaslighting"?

Anyway, after my toxic, abuse relationship of twenty years, not because I was obsessed with him so much, but he got me pregnant a bunch of times and I was a totally obsessed mother and he basically held me hostage because of my love and attachment for our children, he gaslit me a lot, and told me "If you ever leave, you won't get the children, because you are crazy". I believed him, didn't know he was gaslighting me all the time, didn't understand that it was narcissistic abuse, didn't even know I was on the spectrum, even though one of my children is moderate function Autistic and my dad is an Aspie.

The abuse ended up nearly ending me and I became obsessed with my new guy and left the abusive guy, so that I could survive and stil be around for my kids.

I think obsessing about people can be a very "normal" spectrum thing, especially, maybe, for females.

And we can be easily targeted and abused by narcissistic types, and have very limited capacity to get our heads around it and to end relationships.

You may have developed PTSD as well, as a result of the abuse. I know I did.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this guy. You deserve better.

I hope you can get some good, approprate support to make a permanent break. I know I needed a lot of that, and it's helped. Don't wait for it to grind you down and risk your life for this guy. He doesn't deserve you.

You can do better! That's what I told myself at the end of my toxic relationship and I did and I could! I believe you can too! Change is hard but it's also worth it.

 

[Fino]

@Nauti

Thank you so much for such a long, thorough, wonderful reply!

I was diagnosed with BPD at the end of the three years when I attempted suicide. Although I did have relatively similar issues before I met him, I've always felt that my relationship with him caused the BPD. Maybe I'm wrong, and it just illuminated it.

It wasn't a rigid DBT program, but my therapist from ages 14-16 utilized a lot of DBT and CBT for our therapy. Since then, I've never stayed in therapy longer than a few months. I've looked briefly into DBT programs, but they seem to be not insured and very expensive.

I've read a bit about codependency on several different occasions and remember concluding every time that it wasn't exactly the problem. Maybe I read the wrong things or took it too literally, because I remember it usually involving someone taking care of a sick person.

I've never actually heard of "trauma enmeshment". I just looked it up briefly, and, if I understand it correctly, it basically refers to a relationship where the two people have become so close, they've practically lost themselves as individuals? Well, that's "enmeshment," but you mean "trauma" as in the trauma from the experience of enmeshment? Otherwise, I can't find a reference to a term "trauma enmeshment".

Is it possible to gaslight someone without knowing it or intending it? How can we know for sure if they were being abusive or if we somehow were and then perceived their response as abuse to us? It might sound ridiculous, but I still have the feeling that it's possible I was wrong in every way, and he didn't actually do anything wrong.

Thanks again! You words are very encouraging!

 

[Kyou Nukui]

Sorry for this comment being late, I know the thread has moved on a bit, but I wanted to say Stockholm syndrome was debunked decades ago. It was victim blaming and it fails to acknowledge that everyone is both good and bad and normal people can do bad things without being "evil". Loving the good side of a person, or empathising with someone despite that they have done harm is not a syndrome.

 

[Fino]

Sorry for this comment being late, I know the thread has moved on a bit, but I wanted to say Stockholm syndrome was debunked decades ago. It was victim blaming and it fails to acknowledge that everyone is both good and bad and normal people can do bad things without being "evil". Loving the good side of a person, or empathising with someone despite that they have done harm is not a syndrome.

I can't find anything necessarily debunking it, but I can see that it's not scientifically supported and was never really.. "bunked" in the first place so that it could be debunked. It looks like the consensus is that PTSD covers any symptoms one might try to explain with Stockholm Syndrome.

Which made me wonder, if someone is diagnosed with PTSD around the age of 14 then something else traumatic happens about ten years later.. do you get PTSD again? Is it like it exists separately for each event? Or is it a continuous, single entity the way something like Bipolar is? Or is it more like it just wakes it up back up?

My head hurts!

 

[Nauti]

@Nauti

Thank you so much for such a long, thorough, wonderful reply!

I was diagnosed with BPD at the end of the three years when I attempted suicide. Although I did have relatively similar issues before I met him, I've always felt that my relationship with him caused the BPD. Maybe I'm wrong, and it just illuminated it.

It wasn't a rigid DBT program, but my therapist from ages 14-16 utilized a lot of DBT and CBT for our therapy. Since then, I've never stayed in therapy longer than a few months. I've looked briefly into DBT programs, but they seem to be not insured and very expensive.

I've read a bit about codependency on several different occasions and remember concluding every time that it wasn't exactly the problem. Maybe I read the wrong things or took it too literally, because I remember it usually involving someone taking care of a sick person.

I've never actually heard of "trauma enmeshment". I just looked it up briefly, and, if I understand it correctly, it basically refers to a relationship where the two people have become so close, they've practically lost themselves as individuals? Well, that's "enmeshment," but you mean "trauma" as in the trauma from the experience of enmeshment? Otherwise, I can't find a reference to a term "trauma enmeshment".

Is it possible to gaslight someone without knowing it or intending it? How can we know for sure if they were being abusive or if we somehow were and then perceived their response as abuse to us? It might sound ridiculous, but I still have the feeling that it's possible I was wrong in every way, and he didn't actually do anything wrong.

Thanks again! You words are very encouraging!

The way trauma enmeshment was explained to me, is that if you've gone through trauma with someone, it can bind you together in a very intense and hard-to-break way. Trauma can change your brain wiring and so people you've experienced trauma with you, are people you can form difficult-to-break bonds with. They aren't healthy bonds, (although maybe some can be), but they are very deeply impactful and engrained. Maybe if you look up "toxic enmeshment, or "trauma bonds" something will come up about that. I learnt about it on the ptsd forum I participate on.

My present partner went through a trauma bonded relationship like that. He actually got a very severe and nearly fatal brain injury (from being bashed in the head) from a home invasion he went through with a girlfriend, and although she was a very abusive person, both physically and emotionally, he felt extremely connected to her, to the point where he nearly got back in the relationship with her, after I had started going out with him. Although I do believe his Aspergers exaserbated it, I think the traumatic life- threatening experience they went through together, intensified their bond.

I've also heard of other people being very bonded through a traumatic or series of traumatic experiences, like vets who fought together and things like that.

Codependancy is that thing where you lose youself in the relationship. That's what my last relationship was like. It's where you try to get love and care from the other person, by trying to be what you think they want you to be, instead of learning to be yourself, to love and care for yourself and learning to responsibly meet your own needs and get your own needs met, so that you come from a place of "a full cup" emotionally and have a healthy sense of self, and then you relate to others in a far more empowered and mature and healthier place; where you have relationships where you know who you are, and, you take care of yourself and you can form relationships with others or another person, who loves you for who you are, and accepts you and doesn't try to manipulate you or condescend to you or try to get you to look after them in a too-dependant way.

Codependancy is very needy and manipulative, whereas healthy interdependancy is mature, honest, freeing and each one is able to meet their own needs independantly, as well as, share mutual and interconnected fullfillment.

I think people can gaslight without knowing they are doing it. Manipulative behaviour is not alway done from a place of self awareness. Sometimes, people are just trying to cover something up, or manipulate others into being dependant on them, or they are misinformed about mental illness and ASD and they treat us like we are "crazy" and really, they are projecting their own fears, control trips, ignorance, insecurities, and erroneous beliefs on the other person and it can be gaslighting in it's effect.

I get the second guessing of yourself. I think.It might be helpful to get back.into some kind of councelling to work through what was and is your part and what was and is, his. Having BPD or complex trauma or PTSD can really skew perception and throw in ASD, and it's a recipe for loads of confusion, defensiveness, paranoia, oversensitivity, emotional dysregulation and conflict.

I was misdiagnosed with BPD myself but all (well, most of) the symptoms have cleared up from lots of therapy and a lovely partner who gets me and is unconditionally kind, honest and supportive.

I still have a diagnosis of developmental and adult trauma-PTSD though, and I go and do three week, private psych hospital inpatients group therapy programs, equine therapy and get weekly councelling and it all helps.

 

[Nauti]

I can't find anything necessarily debunking it, but I can see that it's not scientifically supported and was never really. "bunked" in the first place so that it could be debunked. It looks like the consensus is that PTSD covers any symptoms one might try to explain with Stockholm Syndrome.

Which made me wonder, if someone is diagnosed with PTSD around the age of 14 then something else traumatic happens about ten years later.. do you get PTSD again? Is it like it exists separately for each event? Or is it a continuous, single entity the way something like Bipolar is? Or is it more like it just wakes it up back up?

My head hurts!

PTSD can develop into complex PTSD or CPTSD but that is a still-being-contested diagnostic name, as it hasn't been accepted by the latest DSM manual.yet, despite other diagnostic systems already accepting it (some European one, I think, but I don't remember the name) and people having written books and papers on it.

Generally it's referring to people who went through long term traumatic situations, like childhood abuse and neglect, violent relationships where a person was trapped, or concentration camp victims, sex slaves, that sort of thing.
Otherwise it's PTSD, which is, currently widely thought to be a permanent rewiring of the brain that has to be managed, can go into a kind of "remission", but can flair up through stressful, triggering or more traumatic circumstances.

Personally, I totally relate to the diagnosis of CPTSD and not to the BPD label, although the symptoms of CPTSD can certainly look like BPD when untreated or you're in a unhealthy and overly stressful situation or relationship.

 

[TheFreeCat]

I have to say this is a scary thread. .......I am watching all responses. Thank you for posting it, Fino.

 

[OkRad]

This post is haunting me. I do mean haunt. I share this with you, FIno, and share the terror it will be forever. I have had episodes like the in the past and they DID pass. This one? No. Even though I loathe the person. It's insane. I will tell you what I have concluded. Maybe it will help.

This was the person I have written about who kept touching me and telling me I was special, tracking me, etc. Long story. Anyway, this person is shallow, overly religion, selfish, obsessed with looks, deceiver, no quest to be noble, never even heard of Philosophy....in short someone I would never want to be with.

Yet , they got into my head and I still can't shake it . Now, it all about the wasted time, the mentally energy, the horror at my being duped in the middle of a brain injury, being preyed on, deceived, and being 100% powerless. So much wasted brain energy.

Here is what i have concluded.

The person is my Wilfred . Have you seen that show? A man is overly attached to the dog. It's horrifying. The dog becomes something other than the dog. Wilfred is mean and cruel, but also a friend. He leads Ryan astray yet brings him back again. He become part of Ryan's very mind in a way the dog never did....and so much so that even after the real Wilfred dies, Ryan still has his Wilfred in his head.

So this is my Wilfred. It's not even the person anymore. I have constructed a Wilfred....

I was reading Symposium (Plato) recently and came across the part where Diotima tells Socrates that we are continually forgetting. We THINK we are holding onto a smooth reality, when we are just recalling, over and over.

That means in the process of Recall, we may add things and change things so the memory alters.

This is good news! This means I am NOT obsessed with Wilfred, it means I just keep recalling the person to my mind, and that is key.

This means I must need a Wilfred for some reason. I don't know what purpose they are serving. Acceptance? Not really. A brain chemical I felt around them? Maybe, but now I only feel dread if I am even in the vicinity of where they work, which I must frequent.

Do my obsessions about this person stop me from obsessing about other things more scary. Maybe if Wilfred where not there, I would be thinking about all the things I am struggling with right now?

It's been two years. As I said, I do not even like this person anymore. I like other people much better, people who respect and care for me.

So I know that I will be able to "Recall" differently at some point, maybe when I am ready, or at least when my brain is ready. For whatever reason, right now it's not.

Try to see what purpose this continually recalled memory is serving. You may think it is no reason at all. I know. I still wake up at 2am in sweats thinking WHY am I thinking about that freak? Then I have to truly ask myself, "Yes, why are you? What are you not wanting to think about or feel ? What did this person do for you that you are able to do for yourself now? "

It was never love and the man who hurt you never loved you. It may have been oxytocin (love hormone) but you can buy that online.

I wish you well, Fino!! We can get through this together. Our Wilfreds do not have be lifelong companions.