"Just make friends!" Most unhelpful advice ever?

[Otenba]

For 20 years, I've seen people at work go out to lunch together and wondered how they decided to do that, and why I never get invited to lunch. Since being diagnosed, I now understand that there's some social thing I'm not doing. Of course, knowing that doesn't tell me how to do it.

My work colleagues currently are like the opposite. They invite me to things but won't help me be okay with going because I can't just go to things like a restaurant and eat without having to manage my health needs. Since they can't be bothered to listen to how to help me, I've stopped trying to explain how they can help me be involved and end up saying no all the time, which in turn, makes them seem more and more like they just tolerate me. They don't care if I go is what I've found; they've only asked to save their themselves from looking bad to others. None of it is genuine interest in being pals; it's all an arrangement of convenience so they don't have to go to places they want to go to alone. They don't think outside their narrow little world. Trying to get them to try doing something fun like bowling is like asking them to do a chore, especially if it doesn't involve alcohol. I feel sorry for them, while I also crave better people were around me.

When ever anyone gives me advice, I stop them and ask, "How?"

As soon as they say, "I don't know!"

Then I point out that I don't know, either.

If they are willing to sit there and map out a plan with me, to take into consideration all the reasons I cannot do what they think is so simple, and contingency planning, charts about what to do if A happens, or B happens, etc. etc.......ONLY THEN will I listen to them.

Otherwise I don't even hear what they are saying even if their mouth is moving.

As I've put above, people won't want to make the effort to help you join in. They'll invite you but don't actually care if you go or not, so if they won't help you in the way you're saying, they probably don't care if you go or not. Plus side to this is, you can quickly figure out who your friends are.

This isn't about malice, but rather a combination of ignorance and indifference.

This sums it all up very well.

If you're any form of different, people will usually walk away or keep away in the first place. People who genuinely want you around are incredibly rare.

I bet none of you lot give any cares that I'm signed up to this site or not; I'm just a passing voice in this discussion. It is like that from where they are standing.

The idea of the main problem being expectations is fair, but also unfair because we are not all equal and so not all expecting the same. We all deserve happiness; just seems we particularly need to get it more from ourselves than others, but that is unsurprising considering how things are. Confidence can also be a key factor into making ourselves appealing to others, and if you're able to be your own best friend, then it's likely that confidence will build.

Showing weakness or that you upset too easily can lose respect, possibly lead to bullying, but I have not yet manage to work out properly to what level you need to make yourself vulnerable in order to allow trust to build and therefore start a decent friendship (unless you're dealing with a manipulative person then it's a whole other challenge)... but I guess that's just part of the risk of giving someone the chance to be your friend.

Even a good or great friend will hurt you (you're going to disappointed a lot if you think they will never hurt you), and that's okay as long as you both acknowledge it, apologise if needed, and both continue to do your bests for the relationship.

If you feel like your needs are not being met, it is likely a one-sided friendship and sometimes that is what it will stay as. That is okay as long as you recognise this and don't keep pushing the boundaries they seem to have set up for their relationship with you. Pushing the boundaries often leads to pushing people away. Not everyone has the same boundaries, but I'm sure anyone here can appreciate that from the boundaries we feel we need for ourselves.

This is just a muddled jist of my understanding of how to make friendships work but none of it is fool proof. I've tried making friends at hobby things and found horrible spiteful people are even in those places; I was an outsider at school and even in classes I've attended as an adult; Every single work environment I've been in has meant social problems; This sort of thing is why I'm looking into getting an assessment for ASD.

I wish you all the best in your search for friends if you feel you want more in your life.

 

[Peter Morrison]

You can't pick your friends the way you shop for a new suit. Relationships develop naturally, and they are a two-way street. I think that most quality relationships include interests and intellect in common, plus the ability to hang out and do things together. Schedules and distance complicate matters even further.

I think that most people on the spectrum prefer conversation about something with a purpose. This is where interests and intellect are most important. I can't imagine anyone on the spectrum enjoying the company of a dullard who complains about everything and has nothing of value to say about the greater universe.

Don't be in a rush to make friends simply because that's what you are supposed to do. Cherish the ones you have. Life offers no promises, so don't have expectations. Quality over quantity.

 

[SunnyDay16]

You can't pick your friends the way you shop for a new suit. Relationships develop naturally, and they are a two-way street. I think that most quality relationships include interests and intellect in common, plus the ability to hang out and do things together. Schedules and distance complicate matters even further.

I think that most people on the spectrum prefer conversation about something with a purpose. This is where interests and intellect are most important. I can't imagine anyone on the spectrum enjoying the company of a dullard who complains about everything and has nothing of value to say about the greater universe.

Don't be in a rush to make friends simply because that's what you are supposed to do. Cherish the ones you have. Life offers no promises, so don't have expectations. Quality over quantity.

I disagree slightly with the bottom part. While life indeed doesn't offer any promises, I think it's good to have expectations for friendships. I think if you're too easygoing and lax with friendships, it's going to be hard to have deep, emotionally intimate ones. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, because not all of us want emotionally intense friendships, but if you do then having expectations are important I feel.

I expect my friends to tell me if I've hurt their feelings in some way or done something wrong, to follow through with plans we make when they are able to (and tell me when they can't make it), and to respect my boundaries. Anyone who doesn't meet those expectations are dropped from friend status pretty quickly.

Expectations should be realistic ones, though, because nobody is perfect. We all have our own imperfections and may be upset with a friend from time to time. You shouldn't just drop a friend because of a little disagreement or miscommunication. Sometimes we get annoyed with our friends or need a break from them, which is fine.

 

[DystopianDream]

I've gotten that advice before, but it really isn't so easy to just go out and do. I don't like going up to complete strangers and striking up a conversation; I'm terrified that I'll look completely stupid if I do, and that's the last thing I want.

 

[Cactus]

For 20 years, I've seen people at work go out to lunch together and wondered how they decided to do that, and why I never get invited to lunch. Since being diagnosed, I now understand that there's some social thing I'm not doing. Of course, knowing that doesn't tell me how to do it.

If you ever find out, please let me know!

 

[Cactus]

I've had three very close friends, two have died and one was from the Marine Corps so lost touch. I treasure those friendships, and I was devastated when they ended. Friendships are so rare for me. It doesn't help that most people I meet are not people I would want as friends. Knowing that it's not likely to change I have no expectations. That doesn't stop me from dreaming.

 

[Mathalamus]

i tend to make friends easily. here are some starting points:

1. first impressions matter. if you make a bad first impression, its gonna affect everything else.
2. be nice, kind and respectful, no matter what. exceptions exist if the person is nasty, or something.
3. it helps to share an interest or two. a hobby, or a sport, or even just the same or similar jobs.
4. sometimes a friendship will happen and you have no clue why. or how.

 

[Tesseract]

I find myself agreeing with just about everything that everyone here has written, which is unusual, but in this particular instance not at all surprising. I've had misguided (but well-meaning) people say the exact same thing to me: "Just make friends!" Oh, of course! Silly me, I never thought of ever doing that!
What can I say? Maybe and and sum up how I feel about their silly, misguided and unwanted "advice".

 

[SunnyDay16]

i tend to make friends easily. here are some starting points:

1. first impressions matter. if you make a bad first impression, its gonna affect everything else.
2. be nice, kind and respectful, no matter what. exceptions exist if the person is nasty, or something.
3. it helps to share an interest or two. a hobby, or a sport, or even just the same or similar jobs.
4. sometimes a friendship will happen and you have no clue why. or how.

Also to examine your expectations. Some people's expectations are too high. They expect their friend to be perfect and meet their needs all the time, but that just isn't possible. One person can't meet all your needs. You have to take the good with the bad when it comes to people, but obviously there has to be deal breakers, like a friend not respecting the boundaries you set or making fun of you behind your back.

 

[Mathalamus]

Also to examine your expectations. Some people's expectations are too high. They expect their friend to be perfect and meet their needs all the time, but that just isn't possible. One person can't meet all your needs. You have to take the good with the bad when it comes to people, but obviously there has to be deal breakers, like a friend not respecting the boundaries you set or making fun of you behind your back.

technically speaking, if you are well off enough already, you can afford to be picky about friends. you never, ever, have to take the bad aspects of people who are your friends. you deserve better than that. in addition, one person cannot meet your needs, so what do you do? get more friends. eventually, youll reach a point where all of your social needs are met.

 

[Tesseract]

i tend to make friends easily. here are some starting points:

1. first impressions matter. if you make a bad first impression, its gonna affect everything else.
2. be nice, kind and respectful, no matter what. exceptions exist if the person is nasty, or something.
3. it helps to share an interest or two. a hobby, or a sport, or even just the same or similar jobs.
4. sometimes a friendship will happen and you have no clue why. or how.

Useful (because it's practical) advice, but... you can do all this, and more, and still have "en-tees" pull an angry face and walk away being "offended" because of a comment, facial expression or other aspect of body language that you were not even aware of. You can do all you can possibly think of to be friendly and helpful, but then realise they never wanted to be friends anyway because they were just using you. Then there are the countless unwritten "rules" that constantly change and make no sense (or little sense), and the mindless rituals.

It's strange, but I now have more success in relating to others now that I simply no longer care about being anyone's friend. I gave up, because it was just too difficult, too much hard work for little (or no) reward. And there are too many narcissists out there anyway.

 

[SunnyDay16]

technically speaking, if you are well off enough already, you can afford to be picky about friends. you never, ever, have to take the bad aspects of people who are your friends. you deserve better than that. in addition, one person cannot meet your needs, so what do you do? get more friends. eventually, youll reach a point where all of your social needs are met.

Well, I don't mean accepting bad aspects that are actually harming you, such as a friend who is verbally abusive or one who likes to steal from you. I just mean accepting minor imperfections or inconveniences, like them being flaky or having a tendency to interrupt you during conversations. If you overall enjoy their friendship and who they are as people, it doesn't seem worth it to give up on them because of those minor flaws, since we're all human beings at the end of the day. That's what I was trying to say.

A lot of the people who have difficulty keeping friends are the people who give up too easily on people for not matching their overly high expectations. I'm not saying that's the case for everyone who has a hard time with friends, but it's the case for a lot of people. Some expectations just aren't reasonable, like expecting friends to never flake out or to always invite you to everything they do.

 

[Pats]

Actually it can be easier to talk to someone with no expectation of future friendship. Like the other day at Walmart this young man was looking at the Pioneer Woman dishes and I was looking for my daughter in law a Pioneer Woman cup set she wanted. I just asked the young man if his wife liked Pioneer Woman stuff, too. He said he was looking for dishes and stuff for himself. He picked up a cup and looking at the brim was saying he didn't think you could drink out of it. I showed him a copper cup and told him these were somewhat popular now and he started talking how his grandfather would shake ice cubes against a metal cup he had.
I don't often talk to someone out of the blue, but when I do, I'm not as concerned about it as I am someone that might possibly be a future friend. This guy, I knew the conversation would end as soon as we left that aisle and that would be the end. When it's someone I'm going to see again, it's harder for some reason.

 

[puzzlingbill]

Actually it can be easier to talk to someone with no expectation of future friendship. Like the other day at Walmart this young man was looking at the Pioneer Woman dishes and I was looking for my daughter in law a Pioneer Woman cup set she wanted. I just asked the young man if his wife liked Pioneer Woman stuff, too. He said he was looking for dishes and stuff for himself. He picked up a cup and looking at the brim was saying he didn't think you could drink out of it. I showed him a copper cup and told him these were somewhat popular now and he started talking how his grandfather would shake ice cubes against a metal cup he had.
I don't often talk to someone out of the blue, but when I do, I'm not as concerned about it as I am someone that might possibly be a future friend. This guy, I knew the conversation would end as soon as we left that aisle and that would be the end. When it's someone I'm going to see again, it's harder for some reason.

Agreed -- it's like practicing for when it really matters.

 

[Ezra]

It's quite simple really. "In order to have friends, you must first be a friend". There, problem solved. riiiiiight?

 

[Fino]

It's quite simple really. "In order to have friends, you must first be a friend". There, problem solved. riiiiiight?

That means the first thing you say to a person is, "We're friends, right?"

That reminds me, when I was a kid, I would say to say someone when I met, "Hello! Want to be friends?" which I think is normal when you're like five, but I'm pretty sure I did it until I was closer to twelve.

I also answered the phone, "Who is it?" for a long time, but that's not so related to this except that both are things I just thought about.

 

[Tom]

 

[Mathalamus]

A lot of the people who have difficulty keeping friends are the people who give up too easily on people for not matching their overly high expectations. I'm not saying that's the case for everyone who has a hard time with friends, but it's the case for a lot of people. Some expectations just aren't reasonable, like expecting friends to never flake out or to always invite you to everything they do.

my expectations for friends is fairly high, but its very few: be nice, be reliable and be a good friend. if you can do all three, you are good. and, note that i avoided saying what reliable means, or what being a good friend means, as there are no set standards there.

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

Call a friend, or some friends, is pretty common advice given on sites talking about dealing with depression. It's not particularly helpful advice even if you happen to have friends. In all likelihood, you will just find out how quickly they avoid you when you say you're depressed.

 

[Pats]

That means the first thing you say to a person is, "We're friends, right?"

That reminds me, when I was a kid, I would say to say someone when I met, "Hello! Want to be friends?" which I think is normal when you're like five, but I'm pretty sure I did it until I was closer to twelve.

I also answered the phone, "Who is it?" for a long time, but that's not so related to this except that both are things I just thought about.

I dare someone to try that. lol