Just curious

[Manulika Sharma]

Hi

I am a NT and I have a friend who I strongly suspect has Aspergers. What personalities in a women charm an aspie man?

every time I suggested Someone to him he said he doesn’t necessarily likes her personality

this confuses me.

 

[Bolletje]

There’s no typical Aspie. Everyone is different. Therefore we can’t tell you what charms an Aspie man. You’ll have to figure out what your friend likes. Have you asked him directly?

 

[Manulika Sharma]

I did but he never answered also what he says and what he does is different

 

[Bolletje]

Well, then you’ll have to stay in the dark until he tells you or he starts dating someone he likes. We can’t answer that question for you.

 

[Autistamatic]

I did but he never answered also what he says and what he does is different

Well that proves he's definitely human then. As already said - there's no such thing as a typical autistic man - we are as varied and unique to ourselves as any other segment of society. We often share some common experiences and traits, but they're distributed amongst us so no 2 of us are the same.

It's common for us to do and say what we mean, for instance, but if your friend is indeed autistic then he is clearly an exception to that broad rule as are some other autistics we know.

 

[Manulika Sharma]

When I say what he says and he does is different is based on spontaneity. Like he ll say let’s go eat dinner at this particular restaurant and then just end up going home. He once mentioned he loves girls with long hair but both his previous girlfriends had short hair. He says he wants to travel but never really does when the time comes

 

[Bolletje]

That’s probably just a personality trait of his, unrelated to him possibly being on the spectrum.

 

[Manulika Sharma]

To be frank I took a aspergers test on behalf of him(like I know this person in and out, how he reacts to situations, social awkwardness, social fatigue, numbers catch his attention, extreme liking for this one particular aspect) and the score was 44.

 

[Bolletje]

He could be on the spectrum, but online tests aren’t the same as a conclusive diagnosis. They’re indicative of possible autism, true, but take them with a grain of salt.
Is it important to you that he might be on the spectrum? I’m genuinely interested, by no means do I mean this as an attack.

 

[Manulika Sharma]

Me personally, I don’t care if he is on the spectrum or not. He is my friend and he will still be my friend irrespective. But if he is on the spectrum it will probably help me to understand or help him better

 

[Autistamatic]

When I say what he says and he does is different is based on spontaneity. Like he ll say let’s go eat dinner at this particular restaurant and then just end He once mentioned he loves girls with long hair but both his previous girlfriends had short hair. He says he wants to travel but never really does when the time comes

I was always attracted to short, dark, Mediterranean looking women but I've long been happily married to one who is tall, blonde and of Nordic appearance. It means very little. I was attracted to her mind, her heart long before I even knew what she looked like.

As to being able to understand your friend better if he is on the spectrum, it's really important to know if he is first. Any adjustments you try to make for his possible autism will be for nothing otherwise, and could easily damage your friendship.

You're not the first to come to a community like this with such questions, and it wouldn't be the first wrecked friendship if that happened either. The only way to get to know him better is directly. There isn't an autism guidebook that will allow you a deeper insight into his character if he is on the spectrum any more than if he's not. He is as unique a human being as you are. It's sweet that you would come here asking for advice, but alas there are no shortcuts here.

 

[Pats]

That's a personality based question. No different than asking what attracts an NT male. But I would venture to guess that honesty is an important quality. My second guess would be someone who accepts who they are and leaves it at that.

 

[Bolletje]

Honestly, I’m very much attracted to dark-haired, brown-eyed men with beards, but a lot of my boyfriends had blonde hair, blue eyes and a chin as smooth as a baby’s bottom. I was attracted to them for their personalities. I may notice looks first, but I date people for who they are, not what they look like.
Granted, I’ve been with my current dark-haired brown-eyed bearded boyfriend for over six years, and I was instantly attracted to him for his looks, but once again it was his personality that made me want to date him. His good looks are just a nice bonus.

 

[zurb]

He’d probably like someone with similar values and characteristics. If I may generalise for a moment, here’s some ideas from Tony Attwood’s Discovery of Aspie Criteria:

• peer relationships characterized by absolute loyalty and impeccable dependability
• ability to regard others at "face value"
• enthusiasm for unique interests and topics
• listening without continual judgement or assumption
• avoid ‘ritualistic small talk’ or socially trivial statements and superficial conversation.
• seeking sincere, positive, genuine friends with an unassuming sense of humour
• a determination to seek the truth
• conversation free of hidden meaning or agenda
• routines and a focused desire to maintain order and accuracy
• clarity of values/decision making unaltered by political or financial factors
• trusting optimism, steadfast in the belief of the possibility of genuine friendship

 

[Tom]

Playing Cupid with a (possibly) Aspie?

You might want to try something simpler first. Just to build up some experience. Like getting Pandas to mate in captivity.

But if you just have to, here's what you do. If he's an Aspie there is a good chance there is something, an interest, he especially likes. For example let's say it's Nature. So you go out and buy 10 different Nature magazines and lay 9 of them in a trail to follow to the designated target person. Then to place the 10th magazine in the target's hand. There is no guarantee of success of course. That is up to Nature.

 

[Bolletje]

But if you just have to, here's what you do. If he's an Aspie there is a good chance there is something, an interest, he especially likes. For example let's say it's Nature. So you go out and buy 10 different Nature magazines and lay 9 of them in a trail to follow to the designated target person. Then to place the 10th magazine in the target's hand. There is no guarantee of success of course. That is up to Nature.

I attract my potential mates this way. Only instead of Nature magazines, it’s shots of vodka.

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

What personalities in a women charm an aspie man?

Ones that are not typical to modern culture and especially to young girls - honest, understanding, caring, supportive, friendly etc.

Looks also matter for some.

He might be into LGBT, lots of Aspis's are not traditional since they find it tough to connect with NT's.

To be frank I took a aspergers test on behalf of him(like I know this person in and out, how he reacts to situations, social awkwardness, social fatigue, numbers catch his attention, extreme liking for this one particular aspect) and the score was 44.

Pretty obvious you want him to pick you as his GF.

 

[Tom]

I attract my potential mates this way. Only instead of Nature magazines, it’s shots of vodka.

Don't use too many, or they might veer off into hyperspace!

I was very easy/cheap to attract. Just some pretty rocks would do it.

 

[tducey]

For me I like partner to be friendly, like me for me and to have ambition. As has been said before tough every aspie is different.

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

For me I like partner to be friendly, like me for me and to have ambition. As has been said before tough every aspie is different.

A biggest turn off for me in people

1st someone who does not improve, can't learn on their mistakes to get better in life.

Its not about ambition even when it comes to minor habits.

Many people keep doing same mistake over and over throughout their entire life its very inefficient.

Guess they lack ability to admit "they make mistakes" even to themselves so they never change.

2nd Lack of natural curiosity about things, being like everyone else, narrow list of interests that dictated by what most people do.

3rd lack of independence in thinking, being like everyone else.

4th Not believing in yourself, cannot think further than finding job in diner or grocery store, slave mentality. Believing you are nothing more than a tiny part of the "system".

5th Having too much money or privileged job (doctors, law enforcement, courts etc) believing they are better than others. Being on power trip. Looking down on others.